Reporting live from East Randomtown, 3.5 readers.
Results thus far:
Uncle Hardass is expected to defeat Trump and Clinton in the surprise upset of the year.
The East Randomtown Mayor’s Race is too close to call but I will keep you updated.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: campaign 2016
Things that Really Frost My Ass – Uncle Hardass Continues to Run for President
E Pluribus Hardass
Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.
We meet again and I see you’re all still working on those writing careers.
In fact my incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler just informed me that November is “National Novel Writing Month” or “NaNoWriMo.”
You know what I call it? “LosersFindAnotherWayToNotWorkMo.”
Get a job, 3.5 readers. You people are an embarrassment to all 7 of your parents.
Moving on, the big presidential election is Tuesday, November 8.
You all laughed at me when I announced my bid earlier this year.
But now after you got to know the two frontrunners, suddenly old Uncle Hardass doesn’t seem like such a bad option, does he?
Sure, I’m old and I’ve never worked anywhere but the Salt Mines (which you should apply to) but I’ve never grabbed anyone by the pussy, that’s for damn sure.
Not only is that rude but it is also highly unsanitary. I’ll have you know my ex-wife, BQB’s Aunt Gertie, tried to get me touch her there all throughout our many years of marital bliss and my response was always, “No dice! Do you have any idea how many germs are on that thing?!”
Also, I’ve never had an e-mail scandal because I don’t e-mail, or use phones. Whenever I want someone to know something, I just should at them very loudly and wherever they are in the world, they hear it. I call it Uncle Hardass mail.
I don’t write crazy tweets because I think anyone who uses social media is an asshole, and that goes double for my lazy nephew, who you should not follow on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle
Seriously. Don’t follow him. You’ll just encourage him to keep this useless blog going and then he’ll never get a job at the salt mines.
Where was I? Oh right. Comparing myself to the candidates. Also, I don’t engage in pay for play or take big donations in exchange for favors.
That’s not because I don’t want the money but because I don’t do shit for anyone.
That’s right. Whatever you want done, you should do it yourself. Sure, I could do all your shit for you but then what would you learn? What would you get for it?
When I was a kid if I wanted a road I had to build a road.
If I wanted to go to school I had to build the school then teach myself.
If someone needed to be arrested I just arrested them.
If another country declared war, I had to fight the war single handed. I personally fought and won 29 wars all by myself and I’m damn proud of it.
So no, I’m not going to take your money to do a political favor for you. You keep your money and you get off your lazy ass and do whatever it is that needs doing.
Oh. BQB’s meddling attorney just handed me an envelope. “This blog is in no way encouraging people to undertake any kinds of official actions that they do not have the authority to do.”
For crying out loud. Ban all the lawyers! That’ll be the first thing I’ll do when I’m elected and then after that I’ll take a nap for a year.
In summation, here are more reasons why you should vote for me, Uncle Hardass, this Tuesday, November 8.
- I’m younger than both candidates. You wouldn’t think so but both are very, very, very old.
- I’m going to be championing a new jobs initiative entitled, “Jobs! You Should Get One, You Lazy Son of a Bitch.” No need to create any new laws or organizations or programs to get people jobs. I am just going to go on TV once a week and nag all of you unemployed people about how awful you are for not having jobs and then surely all those people will do anything to get a job rather than be around to listen to me on TV, because my speech will be on every channel.
- I will forego all wars and challenge opposing world leaders to an arm wrestling match instead. Before you scoff, just keep in mind it gets kind of lonely for an old man, so I’ve been known to keep myself busy by shaking hands with the old bishop, often for hours at a time because honestly, at this point its just like pulling taffy. Like it sort of wants to do something but not really.
Thank you, degenerate lazy 3.5 readers.
In conclusion of my summation, your writing ambitions are a waste of time and utterly pointless and also do something useful for a change and vote for me, Uncle Hardass.
Alternate Presidential Choices
Folks, just want to remind you do have options.
Uncle Hardass and the Mighty Potentate are also running.
Also, if you’re unfortunate enough to live in East Randomtown, please vote for me for mayor. Leo McKoy is a douche and I’m ninety-nine percent sure he’s also a robot.
Votentate – The Mighty Potentate for President
Standby for a Transmission from the Mighty Potentate…
…SCANNING….SCANNING…ACQUIRING CONTROL OF THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG…
Attention pitiful humans, for it is I, the Mightiest of Potentates.
I have taken control of this miserable excuse for a blog to address two points:
1) Bookshelf Q. Battler, the Chosen One, continues to dilly dally in his assignment to produce a novel so well-written that it convinces you all to abandon the most wretched of all human art forms, “reality television.” You must continue to pester him to no end to finish his novel or else Earth will be invaded and turned into an intergalactic drive-thru delicatessen.
2) It has come to my attention that this your country known as the United States of America is choosing its leader.
I have reviewed the candidates:
- Both are very, very old. Older than the deepest, darkest black hole in the entire universe. Entire empires have risen and fallen during their existences. Note that to my species, they are mere babes. But to humans, they are older than dirt. They roamed the Earth during the time of the dinosaurs, the beings that did a much better job of running your planet, in my opinion.
- One wears some type of wounded animal on his head. The other has enough pantsuits to fill a Lane Bryant warehouse. (What is a Lane Bryant warehouse? I do not know what this means. My advisor, Alien Jones, told me pitiful humans would find this amusing.)
- Both are very ego driven, as all Earth politicians are. Frankly, as all intergalactic politicians are. The male has built many tacky towers in his name. The female has siphoned enough money through her power and influence to choke a horse.
- As a pitiful human, you might argue that I, the Mighty Potentate, am ego driven. I am. I have built many monuments to myself. And if you had conquered and civilized as many systems as I have, you’d be able to build many monuments to yourself, Earth loser.
In short, neither candidate is suitable, and thus, as the ruler of all I survey, I command you to write in “The Mighty Potentate” on your pathetic ballots this November.
I understand you American Humans are a particularly inquisitive bunch, which is a concept I don’t fully grasp as I am not used to having to explain myself.
Just ask any alien under my command:
WHAT A POLITICAL DEBATE LOOKS LIKE IN THE WORLD OF THE MIGHTY POTENTATE:
The Mighty Potentate commands me to do X. Should I:
A) Do X and not be vaporized.
B) Do X and not be vaporized.
C) Refuse to do X and be vaporized (Report to the vaporization chamber immediately if you select this choice.)
But very well. I shall abide by your Earth customs and answer your questions about the issues:
QUESTION #1 Mighty Potentate, if elected president, how would you fix the economy?
Vaporization.
QUESTION #2 – What?
All must be useful and productive or be vaporized. Next question, pitiful human.
QUESTION #3 – Free trade has been brought up a great deal in this election. How would you secure the best trade deals to make America competitive in the global market?
Vaporization. Purchase our products at the prices of our choosing or become vapor.
QUESTION #4 – I’m beginning to see a pattern here. The possibility of a war is always a concern for the person who holds the oval office. As President, how would you avoid war?
Vaporization. Stop pitching so many softballs, pitiful human.
QUESTION #5 – Vaporization again?
Indeed. All will hail the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.
QUESTION # 6 – When you say “vaporize” what exactly do you mean?
I have conquered most of the Universe by perfecting vaporization technology. Through my various vaporization devices, I can turn anyone or anything into a fine mist that quickly dissipates into nothingness.
QUESTION 7 – Right. Moving on. Health care has been in the news lately…
Vaporize the sick. They only slow our operations down.
QUESTION 8 – Do I dare ask about crime?
All will obey the laws of the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.
QUESTION 9 – Taxes?
Everything belongs to the Mighty Potentate. Render it unto to me or…
QUESTION 10 – Be vaporized. We get it. What about free speech?
All are free to speak praises of the Mighty Potentate. It is mandatory to do so five times an hour or be vaporized.
QUESTION 11 – What if people don’t want to be vaporized?
Then they will be vaporized.
QUESTION 12 – But how can they protest being vaporized if they’ve been vaporized?
Person-who-wants-to-be-vaporized-says-what?
CONCLUSION:
There you have it, pitiful humans. I am the Mighty Potentate, the only candidate willing to harness the power of vaporization to solve all your problems.
Vote Potentate. Better yet, Votentate.
Paid for by the Committee to Elect the Mighty Potenate or Be Vaporized
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