Reporting live from East Randomtown, 3.5 readers.
Results thus far:
Uncle Hardass is expected to defeat Trump and Clinton in the surprise upset of the year.
The East Randomtown Mayor’s Race is too close to call but I will keep you updated.
Bookshelf Battle
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Tag Archives: election 2016
Douglas Adams Quote on Elections
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’ve written about this quote before but since Election Day is tomorrow, it made me think of it again.
I love Douglas Adams. With his Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and subsequent sequels, he is one of the great humorists.
Funny, if you read The Hitchhiker’s Guide, he also more or less predicted the invention of the iPad as the guide itself was this great computerized technological book.
What Douglas Adams says about elections and politicians in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe:
“The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.
To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
Accurate? Not accurate?
What say you, 3.5 readers?
OP-ED – I’m Still Convinced that Leo McKoy is a Robot and Also Lying About Delivering a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek
By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Acting Mayor of East Randomtown and Mayoral Candidate
3.5 readers, when the position for East Randomtown Mayor came up for election, I stood up, took a bold stand and said, “Ugh. Well, if there isn’t anyone who isn’t an asshole running then I guess I have to run even though it is a total inconvenience for me and is also as waste of time since everyone in this town is a big dumb dummy dumb face and no one will listen to me and everyone will just do whatever they want anyway.”
That’s the kind of decisive leadership this town needs and that’s the kind of leadership I can provide.
Sure, I could brag all day about having a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers, but I’d rather point out two things as this election season draws to a close.
First, whoever is running is not the real Leo McKoy. I saw Leo McKoy get eaten by zombies. So whoever this is, it must be a robot designed to look like Leo McKoy designed for the sole purpose of some sinister genius to gain control of East Randomtown.
Why would an evil genius do that? I have no idea. East Randomtown really sucks and it isn’t like controlling this garbage dump of a town provides anyone with any strategic advantage, so your guess is as good as mine, but at any rate, there is, as my spirit guide Shakespeare would say, “something rotten in the state of Denmark.”
Second, we only have Leo McKoy’s word that he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek. Sure, if he did deliver that sandwich then that makes him one of, and perhaps the most important, famous, successful and influential people this town has ever produced, because as you know, the standard to be considered a great person in this town is very, very, extremely very low.
But we only have Leo’s word. Do you think a highly successful James Van Der Beek would bother stepping foot in East Randomtown?
I don’t think so.
People, your only chance for this town to not get sucked into a giant pit of suck (as my motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio would say) is to vote for me, Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Or don’t. Honestly, if I lose I’d get more free time that I could use to attract more readers to my blog. Perhaps I could get as many as 17.9 people reading this thing and then I’d be in the big leagues.
So vote for me but if you don’t its cool because at least I can say I tried.
PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER THEN YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF BIG DUMB DUMMY DUMB FACE AND THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE BQB CAN DO OR SAY IF YOU’RE ALL HELLBENT ON BEING THAT DUMB.
East Randomtown Mayor’s Race – Vote for Bookshelf Q. Battler Because Leo McKoy is a Giant Schmuck Face and Also Probably a Robot Because BQB Saw Zombies Eat the Real Him
The following is a political advertisement…
Leo McKoy.
He likes to go on and on about how he once delivered a sandwich to Dawson’s Creek actor James Van Der Beek.
But did he?
Did he really?
Did any of you see Leo deliver a sandwich to James VDB?
Seems like there would have been at least one witness to corroborate the delivery of the aforementioned sandwich, but Bookshelf Q. Battler’s campaign staffers have not been able to find one single witness willing to testify that the sandwich in question was delivered or that James Van Der Beek ever even stepped foot into East Randomtown.
Why would a top notch actor like James Van Der Beek with a hit show on the WB, which was as good as it got in the 1990s, be bothered to with a chump burg like East Randomtown?
Further…can anyone even confirm that sandwiches exist?
If Leo McKoy would lie about sandwiches and delivering them to James Van Der Beek, then what else would he lie about?
Would he, for example….LIE ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE’S A DAMN ROBOT?
That’s right, 3.5 readers. Leo McKoy has to be a damn robot, most like constructed by some evil organization, to conquer East Randomtown and take advantage of all East Randomtownians because they are so stupid.
Bookshelf Q. Battler saw Leo McKoy get eaten by a pack of wild zombies during the zombie apocalypse that struck the town last year.
The real Leo McKoy was turned into zombie poop long ago.
Don’t vote for a damn robot.
PAID FOR THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A GIANT SCHMUCK FACE AND ALSO A DAMN ROBOT AND HE’S PROBABLY LYING ABOUT MEETING JAMES VAN DER BEEK AND/OR DELIVERING HIM A SANDWICH, IF SANDWICHES EVEN EXIST, BECAUSE WE’RE PRETTY SURE THEY DON’T.
Things that Really Frost My Ass – Uncle Hardass Continues to Run for President
E Pluribus Hardass
Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.
We meet again and I see you’re all still working on those writing careers.
In fact my incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler just informed me that November is “National Novel Writing Month” or “NaNoWriMo.”
You know what I call it? “LosersFindAnotherWayToNotWorkMo.”
Get a job, 3.5 readers. You people are an embarrassment to all 7 of your parents.
Moving on, the big presidential election is Tuesday, November 8.
You all laughed at me when I announced my bid earlier this year.
But now after you got to know the two frontrunners, suddenly old Uncle Hardass doesn’t seem like such a bad option, does he?
Sure, I’m old and I’ve never worked anywhere but the Salt Mines (which you should apply to) but I’ve never grabbed anyone by the pussy, that’s for damn sure.
Not only is that rude but it is also highly unsanitary. I’ll have you know my ex-wife, BQB’s Aunt Gertie, tried to get me touch her there all throughout our many years of marital bliss and my response was always, “No dice! Do you have any idea how many germs are on that thing?!”
Also, I’ve never had an e-mail scandal because I don’t e-mail, or use phones. Whenever I want someone to know something, I just should at them very loudly and wherever they are in the world, they hear it. I call it Uncle Hardass mail.
I don’t write crazy tweets because I think anyone who uses social media is an asshole, and that goes double for my lazy nephew, who you should not follow on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle
Seriously. Don’t follow him. You’ll just encourage him to keep this useless blog going and then he’ll never get a job at the salt mines.
Where was I? Oh right. Comparing myself to the candidates. Also, I don’t engage in pay for play or take big donations in exchange for favors.
That’s not because I don’t want the money but because I don’t do shit for anyone.
That’s right. Whatever you want done, you should do it yourself. Sure, I could do all your shit for you but then what would you learn? What would you get for it?
When I was a kid if I wanted a road I had to build a road.
If I wanted to go to school I had to build the school then teach myself.
If someone needed to be arrested I just arrested them.
If another country declared war, I had to fight the war single handed. I personally fought and won 29 wars all by myself and I’m damn proud of it.
So no, I’m not going to take your money to do a political favor for you. You keep your money and you get off your lazy ass and do whatever it is that needs doing.
Oh. BQB’s meddling attorney just handed me an envelope. “This blog is in no way encouraging people to undertake any kinds of official actions that they do not have the authority to do.”
For crying out loud. Ban all the lawyers! That’ll be the first thing I’ll do when I’m elected and then after that I’ll take a nap for a year.
In summation, here are more reasons why you should vote for me, Uncle Hardass, this Tuesday, November 8.
- I’m younger than both candidates. You wouldn’t think so but both are very, very, very old.
- I’m going to be championing a new jobs initiative entitled, “Jobs! You Should Get One, You Lazy Son of a Bitch.” No need to create any new laws or organizations or programs to get people jobs. I am just going to go on TV once a week and nag all of you unemployed people about how awful you are for not having jobs and then surely all those people will do anything to get a job rather than be around to listen to me on TV, because my speech will be on every channel.
- I will forego all wars and challenge opposing world leaders to an arm wrestling match instead. Before you scoff, just keep in mind it gets kind of lonely for an old man, so I’ve been known to keep myself busy by shaking hands with the old bishop, often for hours at a time because honestly, at this point its just like pulling taffy. Like it sort of wants to do something but not really.
Thank you, degenerate lazy 3.5 readers.
In conclusion of my summation, your writing ambitions are a waste of time and utterly pointless and also do something useful for a change and vote for me, Uncle Hardass.
POLL – Which Bookshelf Battle Blog Character Would You Like to See as President?
Official Poll.
Choose the BQB-a-verse character you’d like to see as America’s Chief Executive:
- Bookshelf Q. Battler
- Video Game Rack Fighter
- Bookshelf Q. Battledog
- Alien Jones
- The Mighty Potentate (all hail the Mighty Potentate)
- The Yeti
- Vinny Baggadouchio, Host of Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio
- Dr. Hugo Von Science
- The Many Characters who Live on BQB’s Shelf
- Uncle Hardass
- Aunt Gertie
- Nerdstradamus
- Search Engine Optimized Poet
- Professor Nannerpants
I’m sure I forgot someone but vote for your favorite in the comments.
A Thought on Campaign Funding, the Internet and Technology
Hello. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, noted ugly rights advocate, champion yeti fighter, proponent for a cure for Lightning Infused Toaster Paper Toilet Death (we must find the cure in our lifetime) and the owner of a website owned by 3.5 readers.
Blah blah blah, you know my spiel about not getting political.
But here’s a thought I wonder if everyone couldn’t consider. And I’ll say up front, I’m not sure how it could be carried out.
It just seems like it is becoming too much that people are able to cut a check to a candidate for huge amounts of money and then say with a straight face that this transaction doesn’t mean the candidate’s loyalty hasn’t been bought or that the donator is doing it solely on ideology and not expecting some kind of quid pro quo.
The problem has always been that the money has always been needed. You don’t take it, your opponent will, your opponent can then buy a lot of TV ads and attack you 24/7.
But look at the tech today.
First, it is easier to collect small donations from the little guy. Few people have the attention span to remember to write a check, address an envelope and mail it to the campaign of their choice.
However, if the laptop is already on your lap, burning your genitals while you’re watching Scandal Thursday nights on ABC, it doesn’t take much effort to send your candidate whatever you are willing to part with.
Should there be a cap? Hypothetically, yeah, if its limited to, say, a hundred dollars per person then I’m not sure the average politician would become beholden to someone for a hundred bucks.
In other words, its never been easier to collect small donations from the general public and those donations won’t necessarily lead to an unsavory phone call demanding that a politician engage in sketchy behavior.
Second, and here’s the big one – video and/or other content has never been easier to produce, create, and share.
Seriously. If some kid in his dorm can generate a million followers on YouTube by buying everything he needs at the local Best Buy, then surely the prospective leaders of the free world can.
Really – buy ad time? Seems like an outdated concept. Turn on your smart phone, say something controversial about your opponent, post it, and then the media will pick it up.
OLD WAY: Buy millions of dollars worth of ads to play a commercial about how your opponent is a butt face.
NEW WAY: Turn on cell phone camera. Say, “My opponent is a butt face.” Post. Wait for major networks to report that you called your opponent a butt face. Heck, your ardent followers will even spread your message to all their friends, informing them that you think your opponent is a butt face.
IN CONCLUSION:
- It’s never been easier to raise a lot of money from a lot of little people who don’t have the power call you at 3 a.m. to ask you to do something to compromise your integrity because of a $20 donation they made on your site.
- Content has never been cheaper to create or share.
AND THE BEST PART:
- The average person who is a semi-respectable, non-douche with good ideas but hasn’t spent a lifetime being a henchman/woman for people making giant donations might, just might, be able, with a few simple, affordable pieces of tech available at Best Buy, be able to spread meaningful content about his/her ideas that goes viral and becomes as formidable as content created through enormous donations, thereby allowing better, less douchy people to rise to the top.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Alternate Presidential Choices
Folks, just want to remind you do have options.
Uncle Hardass and the Mighty Potentate are also running.
Also, if you’re unfortunate enough to live in East Randomtown, please vote for me for mayor. Leo McKoy is a douche and I’m ninety-nine percent sure he’s also a robot.
Who won the Presidential Debate – Trump or Hillary?
Pbbht. Yeah, I’m not going to talk about that. I’m just putting the post out there in the name of shameless search engine optimization.
Come to me, my sweet, sweet, delicious clicks.
Talk about it if you like or if you prefer, what is your favorite kind of pizza? Personally, I like mine with a little ham, maybe some pineapple. Delicious.
Y’all been Rickrolled, baby. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, please buy my book if I ever get around to publishing one….
Things that Really Frost My Ass – Uncle Hardass for President
By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
In Hardass We Trust
Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.
Still working on your writing careers, I see. Insert joke about how you’re all lazy bastards who need to quit writing and get jobs at the salt mines here.
So the presidential election is in full swing and for awhile I thought I might dip a toe into the old wading pool of muck that this contest has become.
Then I said to myself, “No Hardassimo. You’re no spring chicken anymore. The kids want to see fresh faces with new ideas, not some wrinkled up old has been who has lost all hope after year after year of being put down by the man.”
But then I saw who you people are interested in. Donald Trump? Hillary Clinton? Bernie Sanders?
Holy shit. Is this an election or a cocktail party at the Golden Girls condo?
Somebody hit the music. “Thank you for being a friend. Travel round the road and back again….”
Oh sorry. My incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler informs me that if I sing any more of that song I’ll owe Betty White a hundo.
Anyway, seeing as how Methuselah-esque politicians are in style this year, allow me to announce my candidacy right here on a blog with 3.5 readers, which might make you laugh, but keep in mind that most news website proprietors would sell their kidneys to black market organ traffickers just to get 2.5 readers.
The following is a brief synopsis of my platform. You can like it or leave it, I really don’t give a crap. In fact, you should leave it because you won’t understand any of it because you’re all so stupid.
EDUCATION
That’s right. I said it. You’re all incredibly stupid.
Don’t blame yourselves. The public school system has failed you.
You know the Japanese kids get up at 3 a.m., go for a 50 mile jog, practice martial arts and break boards in half with their fists, feet and faces, study math, science, languages, quantum physics and so on and so forth until 2 a.m. the next day. Then they sleep for one hour and do it all over again.
Enough with the “high school is the best time of our lives” bullshit. Listen, if high school was the best time of your life, then you’re a loser.
No one likes high school. High school memories only become moderately interesting when you’re seventy-five years old and suddenly you’d gladly give your entire nut sack away just to be that young kid getting pelted in the back of the head with spitballs all day instead of a decrepit old bastard who has to get up five thousand times a night to pee.
In short, my education system is simple. Beat the Japanese.
Oh, and get a job between 2 and 3 a.m. you lazy bastards. You can sleep when you die.
WORLD PEACE
My plan here is two-fold.
First, all of the poor, shitty countries need a one-hundred percent increase in pornographic access.
Look, I’m sorry, but all of these people are blowing themselves up out of frustration.
Get them some Internet. Get them set up with some movies of some broads with gigantic knockers and you’ll see a 9,000 percent decrease in people being violent because they’ll all be too busy pounding the old flounder.
Why no one else has thought of this I don’t know but few will ever be as smart as I am.
Second, everyone needs to get jobs. When you have jobs, you have money coming in and therefore you don’t want to do shit that will stop the money from coming in (like blow yourself up for example.)
Moreover, when you have a job, you just don’t have enough time to worry about petty bullshit that makes you hate people enough to want to blow them up. “That guy doesn’t believe in the same god as I do. That guy doesn’t read the same holy book as I do…who gives a shit? I have to go to work tomorrow so I can get my ass paid, son.”
Porn. Jobs. Spread both around the world and pretty soon everyone will be joining their sticky hands together to sing a chorus of “kumbaya.”
THE ECONOMY
You. Right there. The dumb ass reading this.
My plan for you is simple.
Get a job!
What? You can’t find a job?
Get any job!
What? You can’t find anything?
Really? Have you tried:
- Volunteering and/or developing the skills necessary to turn yourself from a useless sack of crap into a productive member of society? As President, I will be opening a “Useless Sack of Crap Reeducation Center” in every state where you can go to learn how to not be a useless sack of crap.
- Have you sold your hair, teeth, and superfluous body parts? All will be considered currency under my regime.
- Have you sold your bodily orifices to complete strangers for pennies on the dollar? Prostitution will be legalized under my administration. Our criminal justice system is much too clogged as it is without having to worry about prosecuting women just for trying to make you holla for a dolla.
- Finally, and here’s the most important part. Get a job…AND…feel like a total dumbass until you secure the aforementioned job. Once you do have a job, you will join the ranks of the self-righteous and enjoy the tremendous feeling of chewing out useless layabouts who do not have jobs.
TRADE
When engaging in business deals with other nations, the two most important questions are, “Do you want this shit?” and “How much you got?”
The key, you see, is to find the countries that will a) want our shit and b) pay as much as or as close to the amount they got as possible.
By the way, I recently heard some news about child labor that is very disturbing.
We don’t have it here in America and I am very disturbed by that.
Seriously. You park your kids’ dumb asses in front of the TV for 18 years then wonder why they grow up to become self-absorbed douchebags who start shooting up the joint the first time someone tells them “no?”
I had my first job thirty seconds out of the womb and the only thing I am ashamed of is that it took me that long.
Put the kids to work assembling smart phones for ten cents an hour while some schmuck beats a drum to make sure they go at a steady pace. I’m telling you, they will grow up to become very productive, high performing, well adjusted adults like yours truly.
CRIME
Stop stealing shit and get a job. Professional stealer of shit is one of few jobs that will be deemed unacceptable.
CONCLUSIONS
These are the broad strokes of my platform thus far and I’ll be revising as the campaign moves forward.
If you forget this column, at least remember:
- I’m running for president so vote for me, dumb ass.
- Get a job.
- Seriously, quit your futile attempts at becoming a writer and get jobs, preferably at the salt mines, so that your parents can be proud of you for once.
Paid for by the Committee to Elect Uncle Hardass
Bookshelf Battle 