Standby for a Transmission from the Mighty Potentate…
…SCANNING….SCANNING…ACQUIRING CONTROL OF THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG…
Attention pitiful humans, for it is I, the Mightiest of Potentates.
I have taken control of this miserable excuse for a blog to address two points:
1) Bookshelf Q. Battler, the Chosen One, continues to dilly dally in his assignment to produce a novel so well-written that it convinces you all to abandon the most wretched of all human art forms, “reality television.” You must continue to pester him to no end to finish his novel or else Earth will be invaded and turned into an intergalactic drive-thru delicatessen.
2) It has come to my attention that this your country known as the United States of America is choosing its leader.
I have reviewed the candidates:
- Both are very, very old. Older than the deepest, darkest black hole in the entire universe. Entire empires have risen and fallen during their existences. Note that to my species, they are mere babes. But to humans, they are older than dirt. They roamed the Earth during the time of the dinosaurs, the beings that did a much better job of running your planet, in my opinion.
- One wears some type of wounded animal on his head. The other has enough pantsuits to fill a Lane Bryant warehouse. (What is a Lane Bryant warehouse? I do not know what this means. My advisor, Alien Jones, told me pitiful humans would find this amusing.)
- Both are very ego driven, as all Earth politicians are. Frankly, as all intergalactic politicians are. The male has built many tacky towers in his name. The female has siphoned enough money through her power and influence to choke a horse.
- As a pitiful human, you might argue that I, the Mighty Potentate, am ego driven. I am. I have built many monuments to myself. And if you had conquered and civilized as many systems as I have, you’d be able to build many monuments to yourself, Earth loser.
In short, neither candidate is suitable, and thus, as the ruler of all I survey, I command you to write in “The Mighty Potentate” on your pathetic ballots this November.
I understand you American Humans are a particularly inquisitive bunch, which is a concept I don’t fully grasp as I am not used to having to explain myself.
Just ask any alien under my command:
WHAT A POLITICAL DEBATE LOOKS LIKE IN THE WORLD OF THE MIGHTY POTENTATE:
The Mighty Potentate commands me to do X. Should I:
A) Do X and not be vaporized.
B) Do X and not be vaporized.
C) Refuse to do X and be vaporized (Report to the vaporization chamber immediately if you select this choice.)
But very well. I shall abide by your Earth customs and answer your questions about the issues:
QUESTION #1 Mighty Potentate, if elected president, how would you fix the economy?
QUESTION #2 – What?
All must be useful and productive or be vaporized. Next question, pitiful human.
QUESTION #3 – Free trade has been brought up a great deal in this election. How would you secure the best trade deals to make America competitive in the global market?
Vaporization. Purchase our products at the prices of our choosing or become vapor.
QUESTION #4 – I’m beginning to see a pattern here. The possibility of a war is always a concern for the person who holds the oval office. As President, how would you avoid war?
Vaporization. Stop pitching so many softballs, pitiful human.
QUESTION #5 – Vaporization again?
Indeed. All will hail the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.
QUESTION # 6 – When you say “vaporize” what exactly do you mean?
I have conquered most of the Universe by perfecting vaporization technology. Through my various vaporization devices, I can turn anyone or anything into a fine mist that quickly dissipates into nothingness.
QUESTION 7 – Right. Moving on. Health care has been in the news lately…
Vaporize the sick. They only slow our operations down.
QUESTION 8 – Do I dare ask about crime?
All will obey the laws of the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.
QUESTION 9 – Taxes?
Everything belongs to the Mighty Potentate. Render it unto to me or…
QUESTION 10 – Be vaporized. We get it. What about free speech?
All are free to speak praises of the Mighty Potentate. It is mandatory to do so five times an hour or be vaporized.
QUESTION 11 – What if people don’t want to be vaporized?
Then they will be vaporized.
QUESTION 12 – But how can they protest being vaporized if they’ve been vaporized?
There you have it, pitiful humans. I am the Mighty Potentate, the only candidate willing to harness the power of vaporization to solve all your problems.
Vote Potentate. Better yet, Votentate.
Paid for by the Committee to Elect the Mighty Potenate or Be Vaporized