Tag Archives: the mighty potentate

Votentate – The Mighty Potentate for President

Standby for a Transmission from the Mighty Potentate…

…SCANNING….SCANNING…ACQUIRING CONTROL OF THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG…

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Attention pitiful humans, for it is I, the Mightiest of Potentates.

I have taken control of this miserable excuse for a blog to address two points:

1) Bookshelf Q. Battler, the Chosen One, continues to dilly dally in his assignment to produce a novel so well-written that it convinces you all to abandon the most wretched of all human art forms, “reality television.”  You must continue to pester him to no end to finish his novel or else Earth will be invaded and turned into an intergalactic drive-thru delicatessen.

2) It has come to my attention that this your country known as the United States of America is choosing its leader.

I have reviewed the candidates:

  • Both are very, very old. Older than the deepest, darkest black hole in the entire universe. Entire empires have risen and fallen during their existences. Note that to my species, they are mere babes. But to humans, they are older than dirt. They roamed the Earth during the time of the dinosaurs, the beings that did a much better job of running your planet, in my opinion.
  • One wears some type of wounded animal on his head. The other has enough pantsuits to fill a Lane Bryant warehouse. (What is a Lane Bryant warehouse? I do not know what this means. My advisor, Alien Jones, told me pitiful humans  would find this amusing.)
  • Both are very ego driven, as all Earth politicians are. Frankly, as all intergalactic politicians are. The male has built many tacky towers in his name. The female has siphoned enough money through her power and influence to choke a horse.
  • As a pitiful human, you might argue that I, the Mighty Potentate, am ego driven. I am. I have built many monuments to myself. And if you had conquered and civilized as many systems as I have, you’d be able to build many monuments to yourself, Earth loser.

In short, neither candidate is suitable, and thus, as the ruler of all I survey, I command you to write in “The Mighty Potentate” on your pathetic ballots this November.

I understand you American Humans are a particularly inquisitive bunch, which is a concept I don’t fully grasp as I am not used to having to explain myself.

Just ask any alien under my command:

WHAT A POLITICAL DEBATE LOOKS LIKE IN THE WORLD OF THE MIGHTY POTENTATE:

The Mighty Potentate commands me to do X.  Should I:

A) Do X and not be vaporized.

B) Do X and not be vaporized.

C) Refuse to do X and be vaporized (Report to the vaporization chamber immediately if you select this choice.)

But very well. I shall abide by your Earth customs and answer your questions about the issues:

QUESTION #1 Mighty Potentate, if elected president, how would you fix the economy?

Vaporization.

QUESTION #2 – What?

All must be useful and productive or be vaporized. Next question, pitiful human.

QUESTION #3 – Free trade has been brought up a great deal in this election.  How would you secure the best trade deals to make America competitive in the global market?

Vaporization. Purchase our products at the prices of our choosing or become vapor.

QUESTION #4 – I’m beginning to see a pattern here. The possibility of a war is always a concern for the person who holds the oval office. As President, how would you avoid war?

Vaporization. Stop pitching so many softballs, pitiful human.

QUESTION #5 – Vaporization again?

Indeed. All will hail the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.

QUESTION # 6 – When you say “vaporize” what exactly do you mean?

I have conquered most of the Universe by perfecting vaporization technology. Through my various vaporization devices, I can turn anyone or anything into a fine mist that quickly dissipates into nothingness.

QUESTION 7 – Right. Moving on. Health care has been in the news lately…

Vaporize the sick. They only slow our operations down.

QUESTION 8 – Do I dare ask about crime?

All will obey the laws of the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.

QUESTION 9 – Taxes?

Everything belongs to the Mighty Potentate. Render it unto to me or…

QUESTION 10 – Be vaporized. We get it.  What about free speech?

All are free to speak praises of the Mighty Potentate. It is mandatory to do so five times an hour or be vaporized.

QUESTION 11 – What if people don’t want to be vaporized?

Then they will be vaporized.

QUESTION 12 – But how can they protest being vaporized if they’ve been vaporized?

Person-who-wants-to-be-vaporized-says-what?

CONCLUSION:

There you have it, pitiful humans. I am the Mighty Potentate, the only candidate willing to harness the power of vaporization to solve all your problems.

Vote Potentate. Better yet, Votentate.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect the Mighty Potenate or Be Vaporized

 

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Character Profile – The Mighty Potentate

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REAL NAME: If he wanted you to know it, you’d know, pitiful human.

OFFICIAL TITLE: The Mighty Potentate

ALSO KNOWN AS: The Mightiest of Potentates, His Potentositude, His Potentosity, the Potent One

BIOGRAPHY: In the beginning, there was only the Vek.

HOW HE BECAME THE MIGHTY POTENTATE 

They began as gray beings, approximately five feet tall, with skinny bodies, oversized heads, and large eyes.

Billions of years ago, on their home world of Vekto, this species rose from the primordial ooze and remained in a dark age period for countless millennia until one Vek discovered and developed a dastardly and devastating technology:

VAPORIZATION.  The ability to turn a being into a misty cloud that eventually evaporates into nothingness.

Yes, with his vaporization cannon, this being declared himself the Supreme Overlord of Vekto.  He did so with the best of intentions, demanding that all must abandon violence, greed, and corruption seek peace and prosperity lest they be vaporized.

It would become to be known as the “peace through vaporization” initiative.

Indeed, Vekto became very peaceful when that being vaporized everyone, becoming the last vek in existence.

After languishing alone for thousands of years, this being grew lonely and thus turned his attention to developing a new species – clones similar to the original vek, except he made them green and two feet taller so that he could easily kick their asses should they get out of line.

He called them “Vek 2.0” and made one very important improvement over those surly Vek 1.0 beings.  He manipulated their genetic code to remove all genitalia and butts.

This being was a firm believer in the concept that sex had been the downfall of the Vek 1.0, that their constant wars were little more than chest puffery designed to attract quality mates.  Remove genitalia and remove all violence.

Thus, as the only Vek left with a wang, he embraced his title, “The Potent One” or “The Mighty Potentate.”

He wasn’t wrong about his new creations.  Without sex to confuse them, the Vek 2.0 embraced lives of education and higher learning, creating vast wonders unimaginable to the human brain.

They expanded past Vekto, contacting lesser species who, despite their primitive genitalia, were at least open minded and willing to learn the ways of peace and prosperity from the Vek 2.0.

Together, the Vek 2.0 and the new species they discovered united under the banner of “Rakan” a vek word that means “peace through vaporization.”

With over a hundred billion planets, citizens of the collective live highly productive lives, making new advancements in the arts and sciences daily, thanks to the fear that their ruler, the Mighty Potentate, will vaporize the shit out of them if they fail to do so.

But the Mighty Potentate is not without regrets. After vaporizing the Vek 1.0, he made a pact with himself that he’d never vaporize an entire species ever again, though he doesn’t let his subjects know that as he does not wish to lessen the power of his vaporization threats.

Still, this means that the Milky Way, Andromeda, and all points in close proximity thereto, are allowed to run wild, filled with the worse beings around, who do nothing but commit acts of violence and indecency all day long.

Referring to this section as “The Undesiredverse,” (i.e. the garbage planets he does not want), the Mighty Potentate does what he can to keep them contained and out of the Collective.

INVOLVEMENT WITH BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER

A fan of scripted media, the Mighty Potentate streams a lot of TV shows when he isn’t potentating.  In the late 1990’s, he noticed a horrifying trend, that the humans were embracing reality television – programs in which morons are followed around by cameras that record them acting like morons.

The Potent One decided this could not stand and for years, searched for a human writer whose writing skills were such that he (or she) could be counted upon to produce a novel of such high quality that humans would be convinced to abandon reality TV altogether.

When he accidentally clicked on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, the Mighty Potentate declared Bookshelf Q. Battler to be the “Chosen One” and dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to assist BQB in his blogging efforts.

Since you’re not a citizen of the Rakan Collective, you’re not required to shout, “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE” when you see the Potent One, but it could lessen your chances of getting vaporized.

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Free Promo Friday (With a Catch)

Attention Pitiful Humans,

Know ye, Earth creatures, that I, the Mighty Potentate, declare the following:

  • This Friday, July 31 and this Friday only…
  • You may plug whatever you want to plug in the comments section below.  Books.  Blogs.  Whatever.
  • Bookshelf Q. Battler reserves the right to not allow it, especially if you’re book is titled “Hooray for Hitler!”
  • Share a link to your books, blogs.  Share a blurb what it’s all about…

BUT – THE CATCH…

At the end of your comment, you must swear fealty to the Mighty Potentate.

A simple, “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!” shall suffice, but feel free to get creative.

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

For those 3.5 readers just tuning in, the Mighty Potentate is the Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of A Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax.

He of Great Potentostitude is the boss of Alien Jones, author of “Ask the Alien.”  The MP has declared Bookshelf Q. Battler to be the chosen one, the individual whose exceptional fiction writing skills will surely prevent reality television from sweeping across the universe.

Boy howdy, does the Mighty Potentate hate Reality TV.  Don’t even get him started.

Thus, the MP has assigned AJ to aid BQB in the promotion of his blog.  Alien Jones cannot rest until Bookshelf Q. Battler is a famous writer.

So go forth, promote your stuff in the comments below, and remember, you have to say, “All Hail the Mighty Potentate” or some reasonable facsimile thereof.

Remember, a column that plugs you as an author and your books and blogs is possible if you ask Alien Jones a question.

Image courtesy of openclipart.org

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All Hail the Mighty Potentate!

Pitiful Humans!

The Mighty Potentate, always so happy.

The Mighty Potentate, always so happy.

The Mighty Potentate here, commanding you to address your inquiries to my emissary, Alien Jones!

“What’s in it for me?”

Ah yes!  The first thing any human asks!  Right after, “Can I take a selfie?”

Ask the Alien a question, and if he likes it, he’ll plug your books and blogs in his answer on this most irreverent of sites, bookshelfbattle.com

BQB will tweet it with his @bookshelfbattle handle and on his Google Plus page.

18 authors assisted so far.

Will you be next?

Do not allow the vile forces of reality television to win!  Help Bookshelf Q. Battler push his and your fiction to keep all of our collective televisions free of absurdly produced, low quality unscripted programming such as:

1.  Tuba Wars – Have you got what it takes to be the best tuba player in the world?

2.  Falafel Truck Nightmares – A leading falafel vendor helps others bring their falafel businesses up to speed.

3.  Narwhal Makeover – The ugliest half-whale/half-unicorns (they really exist!) consult with beauty experts.

4.  Who Wants to Be a Chicken Wrangler? – Self explanatory.

5.  Cooking with Preppers – Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to make a stew out of a boot?  Find out.

Don’t be shy, lowly humans.  Ask the Alien a question today and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can be yours!

Image courtesy of openclipart.org

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