Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers!
May your day be filled with fireworks, revelry, and delicious barbecued wieners.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here to kick the holiday off in style with a brief history of the American Revolution.
Frankly, kids these days, what with their addiction to the Interwebs and what not, have no idea how their country got started and it’s high time someone educated them.
HOW IT ALL STARTED
The colonials loved their tea. All day long, they’d sit around the hearth and say, “‘Ello guvna, I fancy a spot of tea I do!”
They found tea exceptionally delicious and drank that shit morning, noon and night. The only time when you’d never see a colonial with one tea cup in his hand is when he’d have two tea cups, one in each hand.
The King of England, a foppish nancy boy if there ever was one, hated the colonials and decided to get their goat good.
“I’ll tax the shit of the colonials’ tea!” he declared and tax the shit out of the colonials’ tea he did.
In fact, the original act began as follows:
A PROCLAMATION BY THE KING TO TAX THE SHIT OUT OF THE COLONIALS’ TEA
Be it hereby resolved that:
- The colonials love their tea.
- I hate the colonials because I’m the King and I’m a super sized a-hole.
- That the colonials should have to pay out the wazoo for their hot beverage of choice.
Riots ensued and British tea merchants were placed into cannons and shot into the stratosphere.
Finally, it all culminated in the Boston Tea Party, an event in which colonials dressed like Native Americans and hurled tea crates into the watery depths of Boston Harbor. So much tea was tossed into the harbor that even today at high tide passersby often are known to remark, “Holy shit this whole place smells like camomile!”
Yes, those colonials were so steadfast in their anti-tax beliefs that they were brazen enough to cause a great financial loss to the King’s tea merchant associates, yet still wanted to preserve the ability to say, “Hey, it wasn’t us! It was those damn Injuns!” if called on it by the Crown.
The Continental Congress
The Continental Congress is one of the oldest political institutions in America. Among the more relevant points deliberated:
- Jefferson or Franklin – who gets more French chicks?
- Should we call ourselves the Independent Republic of Suck it, King!
- Who will supply our wig powder if trade ties are cut with England?
- How serious are we about this “all men are created equal” hullabaloo?
- I mean, we’re just paying lip service to equality right?
- Should we actually make a list of all the people that should be treated equally or should we just allow subsequent generations to duke that shit out over the next several hundred years?
The Declaration of Independence
Our founding fathers, fed up with the King’s d-baggery, enlisted Thomas Jefferson to pen the Declaration of Independence. The first draft was nothing more than an engraving of a giant middle finger. The second draft simply stated, “Suck it, King!” (“Suck it King” was the unofficial companion slogan to the more well-known “Don’t Tread on Me.”
Here’s the third draft. It too was inevitably left on the cutting room floor:
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
Be it resolved that:
- The King has poopy pants.
- And further, that the King should suck the proverbial “it.”
- Seriously, we can’t stand that guy. He smells bad and he taxes our tea so that he can purchase elaborate coats and commission portraits of himself wearing them.
- All we’re trying to do is drink some reasonably priced tea and chill the F out without damn redcoats being quartered in our houses.
The American Revolution
As stated in the “Official British War Manual,” the rules for the Royal Army were as follows:
- All soldiers shall wear extremely bright red coats. If possible, please draw targets on them, or failing that, simply write the words “Shoot here” over the heart and various vital organ regions.
- When entering the field of battle, all men must march side by side in a straight line directly towards the source of the enemy gunfire, preferably in as conspicuous a manner as possible.
- It is required that a drummer boy shall bang constantly on the drum to announce the Royal Army’s arrival. If a drum is unavailable, shouting, “ATTENTION ENEMY! BE FOREWARNED THAT WE HAVE ARRIVED!” shall suffice.
Yes, since time immemorial, it had been a longstanding tradition for armies to march straight toward each another, announce, “WE’RE HERE!” and then shoot and hack each other to bits in an orderly fashion.
However, General George Washington, the Revolution’s keen military commander, advised his troops to deviate from typical strategy in two important ways:
1) Hide behind various trees, bushes, and shrubberies
2) Wear dark clothing that blends into the outdoor habitat
These changes led to the Redcoats’ having their clocks cleaned. One battlefield historian took notes on the British Army’s reaction:
REDCOAT #1 – I say! Their coats are dark in color and difficult to focus our fire upon! The nerve!
REDCOAT #2 – Quite right, quite right. And these scallywags aren’t even announcing their presence at all! Highly unsportsmanlike if you ask me!
The End of the War
The American Revolution came to an end when George Washington sailed all the way across the Atlantic Ocean, walked right up to the King’s palace and challenged George III to a best two out of three roundhouse kick to the face competition.
This announcement of the competition is located in the Museum of Fake History:
HEAR YE, HEAR YE!
Know all ye that:
GENERAL WASHINGTON, COMMANDER OF THE REVOLUTIONARY ARMY
HIS ROYAL MAJESTY, KING GEORGE III
To a Competition of Roundhouse Kicks to the Face.
Each party shall take turns in attempting to land a kick to the opposite party’s face. A point worthy hit shall only be noted by the judges if the kicker’s boot heel lands squarely in the middle of the kickee’s face.
Cheek or chin hits shall be registered as unacceptable.
Whoever reacheth two out of three kicks to the opposing face shall be declared the victor.
Should King George III win, he shall have the right to rule over the Colonies Across the Ocean and to Tax the Shit Out of their Tea Until the End of Time.
Should General Washington win, the Colonials shall obtain the right to start a new nation, one that they will likely screw up themselves anyway.
Yes, many minstrels and poets have memorialized in written verse the epic bravery displayed by George Washington when he planted not one but two round house kicks to the face of George III, who never landed one on his opponent.
America was set free and a capital city, a state, a monument, and a damn high school every hundred miles or so were named after Washington in honor of his badassery. His face (unkicked) was even emblazoned on our currency as a reminder to the British that our hero’s mug was left unscathed.
Gen. Washington’s roundhouse kick to the face victory would not be recreated until 2015, when Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Yeti met on the field of battle to resolve their a struggle over control of the Bookshelf Battle Compound. BQB totally beat that smelly yeti.
Having relieved itself of British oppression, America expanded westward. Many American leaders stated, “So much land, just ripe for the taking! Surely no one will notice!” To wit many Native Americans replied, “Dudes, we can totally hear you.”
Over two hundred and some odd years later, America, though it isn’t without its share of problems, is a land of opportunity, one where freedom of speech is protected, even if you’re a lowly nerd blogger with a pitiful showing of 3.5 readers.
Ironically, a nation that began as the result of a tea tax dispute has levied more taxes than King George ever could have dreamed up. You’ve got your Federal tax, State tax, property tax, estate tax, excise tax, tax tax (that’s when you get taxed on your tax), sales tax, gas tax, passing gas tax (a surcharge on your discharge, as it were), and last, but not least, a cornucopia of fees that you have to pay whenever you want the clerk at whatever government office you’re visiting to stamp whatever damn form you happen to be filing at the moment.
In a double twist of irony, tea is more reasonably priced than ever, but no one drinks that shit anymore.
In All Seriousness
There isn’t a country I’d rather live in than America. There are many reasons, but the top one is that I can post this diatribe without fear of reprisal.
(I mean, I could anyway, because it’s not like more than 3.5 people are reading, but still, it’s nice to have freedom of speech as well).
Happy 4th of July,
Bookshelf Q. Battler