Tag Archives: funny

Aug 26 2014
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Writing

The Writer’s Battle – Expression Challenge Continued

Just a few more, in no random order:

LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK’S BACK – Has anyone ever poured water on a duck to test this? Last I noticed, ducks still get wet. I’m not aware that ducks have a teflon coating.

I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS – Well, if the point is to convey you don’t care, then I suppose this would qualify. By saying this, you’re actually saying that you don’t care enough about something to even give the butt of a verminous rodent for it. Even so, I’m trying think when in our history were rat butts ever considered a form of currency.

IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE – Please, like rocket science is that hard. If you had a degree in rocket scientology, you could build those things all the time.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT – People usually say this right before they say something disrespectful. “With all due respect sir, you smell like the business end of an elephant on a hot August day.”

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU – Used to convey the message to people they should spend their money now because they can’t spend it when they’re gone, i.e. “you can’t take it with you.” Although, that’s not really accurate because Egyptian Pharaohs took their stuff with them all the time.

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Aug 25 2014
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TV Based on Books

Fangs for the Memories

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING

As wacky as True Blood became in recent years, the show wrapped up tonight with a fabulous finale. Loose ends were tied up. Fans were not left with any major unanswered questions. Sookie did not move to the Pacific Northwest to become a lumberjack ala Dexter. The screen did not fade to black and cut to Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. There were no stumbles. There were no cop-outs.

All in all, fans who invested the past several years on what is best described as a equal parts horror/drama/and extremely dark comedy were rewarded.

REPEAT- SPOILER WARNING

The Sookie/Bill romance came to er, uh…well, a bloody conclusion. Jason found a love that didn’t depend entirely on sex. Ghost Tara and her mom reconciled in a prior episode. Hoyt and Jessica tied the knot. And last but not least, Eric and Pam are TV infomercial pitchmen. Their product? New Blood – which apparently does not suck as bad as the previous synthesized blood substitute, “True Blood,” which was despised by many a vampire, causing them to wreak havoc in search of the real thing.

All in all (with Bill excluded) the cast of characters each end up with plausible happy endings of their own – in a world where for most of the series, happy endings seemed impossible.

True Blood what can I say about you? You tried to be as funny as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and as dark and exotic as Anne Rice’s L’estat novels and in the already chock full vampire genre, came up with something new that held our attention for six years.

When this show walked in, the air went out…

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Aug 25 2014
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TV Based on Books

Fangs for the Memories

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING

As wacky as True Blood became in recent years, the show wrapped up tonight with a fabulous finale. Loose ends were tied up. Fans were not left with any major unanswered questions. Sookie did not move to the Pacific Northwest to become a lumberjack ala Dexter. The screen did not fade to black and cut to Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. There were no stumbles. There were no cop-outs.

All in all, fans who invested the past several years on what is best described as a equal parts horror/drama/and extremely dark comedy were rewarded.

REPEAT- SPOILER WARNING

The Sookie/Bill romance came to er, uh…well, a bloody conclusion. Jason found a love that didn’t depend entirely on sex. Ghost Tara and her mom reconciled in a prior episode. Hoyt and Jessica tied the knot. And last but not least, Eric and Pam are TV infomercial pitchmen. Their product? New Blood – which apparently does not suck as bad as the previous synthesized blood substitute, “True Blood,” which was despised by many a vampire, causing them to wreak havoc in search of the real thing.

All in all (with Bill excluded) the cast of characters each end up with plausible happy endings of their own – in a world where for most of the series, happy endings seemed impossible.

True Blood what can I say about you? You tried to be as funny as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and as dark and exotic as Anne Rice’s L’estat novels and in the already chock full vampire genre, came up with something new that held our attention for six years.

When this show walked in, the air went out…

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Aug 24 2014
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Music

Lyrics to Tito Puente’s Senor Burns

As a comedy aficionado, I am really enjoying the “Every Simpsons Ever” Marathon on FXX. One of my favorite songs from the show is Tito Puente’s “Senor Burns.” The Setup – in the “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” episodes, oil is discovered at Springfield Elementary School, causing Principal Skinner to spend lavishly, including hiring Tito Puente as the school music teacher. But, when Mr. Burns blocks out the sun to force everyone to buy more energy from his nuclear power plant, everyone in town has a grudge against Mr. Burns, as well as a motive to shoot him. Tito is cleared as a suspect when it is learned that he chose to get his revenge on Mr. Burns, not with violence but through an insulting salsa song:

LYRICS TO SENOR BURNS BY TITO PUENTE
Wounds won’t last long, but an insulting song
Burns will always carry with him.
So I’ll settle my score, on the salsa floor
with this vengeful Latin rhythm.
Burns! Con el corazon de perro!
Senor Burns! El diablo con dinero!
It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you.
Please die and fry. In hell, you rotten
rich old wretch!
Adios viejo!

By the way, my Spanish is rusty but I believe the palabras en espanol translate roughly into “Burns you have the heart of a dog!” and “Mr. Burns you’re the devil with money!”

Literally, with no exaggeration, every few years, I’ll catch this episode on TV and end up singing the song for at least a year after. I haven’t even caught the episode on the marathon but it popped into my head and I can’t stop singing it.

Random thought – Are they going to show the Simpons Movie? They can’t really call it “Every Simpsons Ever” if they don’t show the Simpsons Movie, can they?

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Aug 23 2014
3 Comments
Writing

The Writer’s Battle – Expression Challenge – “It is what it is.”

EXPRESSION: It is what it is.

MEANING: A situation that is difficult yet must be accepted as is, for it is unchangeable.

EXAMPLE: MARGOT: Hi Becky. Just wanted to say I am sorry to hear that your lousy husband stole all your money, ran off with your sister to Paraguay, and started a folk music jazz fusion band together. Moreover, I was chagrined to hear that their new hit single, “Becky Sucks in Every Conceivable Way,” which is basically just a list of all of your faults set to a melody, has not only gone triple platinum but has had a Sirius XM channel devoted to playing it on a continuous loop 24/7.

BECKY: It is what it is.

COMMENTARY: I really despise this one. These days, I mostly see it posted all over facebook, social media, etc. People trying to be cool about a situation by saying the obvious – “It is what it is.” Of course it is! What else could it be? Unfortunately, we live in a society where everyone is so sensitive about every little thing that if you complain about something negative in your life people start to become amateur psychologists and try to diagnose you with depression. No one can just take two seconds to complain about a crappy situation without everyone getting all flustered. “Oww! I hate that I stubbed my toe! That really bugs me!” “Really? Sounds like you are well into the advanced stages of the early onset of clinical depression! Get ‘ye to an insane asylum posthaste!”

So to avoid people making a big deal about something, people just say “It is what it is.” It sounds negative without being negative. It lets someone complain without complaining.

ORIGINS: “It is what it is.” Surely, that has to be a grandiose philosophical statement of epic proportions. I can see Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato all sitting around in their togas, pondering the mysteries of this phrase.”

PLATO: What is it?

ARISTOTLE: It is something, surely. Something it must be.

SOCRATES: It is what it is.

ARISTOTLE AND PLATO: Whoa!

Over time, various philosophers and political movements got their grubby mitts on this expression and twisted it to suit their own ends:

COMMUNISM: If it’s yours, it should be ours!

FACISM: If it’s theirs, it should be ours!

CAPITALISM: Screw you! It’s mine!

EXISTENTIALISM: It is to the extent you believe it is.

NIETZCHEISM: There it is…enjoy it while it lasts.

MACHIAVELLIANISM: Make it yours before the other guy makes it his.

1960’s HIPPY-ISM: It is like whatever, man.

DARWINISM: If it is the best, it lasts longer than the rest.

PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN: That’s right. You heard me. I’m about to tilt the world’s philosophical axis, right here on a dorky book blog website. Check out my own flawless philosophy:

It is what it is.

If it is what it is, then —> Is it not what it is not?

BUT —> If it IS NOT what it IS NOT…

THEN—> IT MUST BE WHAT IT IS NOT!

AND THEREFORE:

The transitive property teaches us that IT is both what IT IS *AND* what it IS NOT!

I know! I should have told you to sit down for that one, right! Are your heads ok? Did they blow up? Did I just lose half my readership? Am I down to only six readers now? I’ll have to make it six more to make it an even dozen.

You may scoff, but if you think about it – is a person not defined by a) what he is and at the same time b) what he is not? Is a person who is a) a good person also b) not a bad person? Is a person who is a) a dentist also b) not a race car driver?

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Go tell it on the mountain! It’s the Expression Challenge now till Labor Day on bookshelfbattle.com where once in awhile, the proprietor actually does review a book!

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Aug 22 2014
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Books, Writing

The Writer’s Battle – Expressions

Expressions – you hear them all the time.  They’re those pesky figures of speech that everyone says but no one knows where they came from.  And sometimes, when you really sit there and think about them – they’re kind of weird.

Here’s some that are on my mind:

EXPRESSION:  “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

MEANING:  It is possible to achieve the same end through various means.

EXAMPLE:  “Hey Fred!”  Pete said.  “I ran out of glue and now I can’t finish my collage of 17th Century Prussian Warlords!  What the hell should I do know?”

Pete stroked his beard in a thoughtful manner and replied, “Why don’t you try some chewed up Grape Bubbalicious?  After all, there’s more than one way to skin a cat!”

COMMENTARY:  When you think about it, this expression is sick.  Apparently, based on the expression’s continued existence in the modern lexicon, there was at one point in the world’s history a booming cat skinning operation.  Whether people skinned cats for industrious profit or leisurely sport I am unaware.  Yet, cat skinning must have been prevalent at some point for people to have coined this expression.

GUESS AT HOW IT WAS INVENTED:  Two cat skinners, 1 and 2, were discussing a vexing problem in 1’s life.  2 suggested a variety of possible methods of solving 1’s problem, adding “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”  1, a veteran cat skinner, keenly aware of and experienced in a wide range of cat skinning techniques, devices, and methods, knew instantly that 2 was attempting to convey the message that there was more than one way to remedy his conundrum.  Thus, a new expression was born.

THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE EXPRESSION CHALLENGE – In an effort to motivate myself to engage in more bloggery, from now until Labor Day I will be consulting with Expression Scientists all over the globe to explain to you, the noble reader, not only how our most prevalent expressions were invented, but also, how they are pretty weird when you think about them.

Have an expression you’d like to see decompressed?  Post it in the comment section below.

As always, thank you for stopping by.  Stop by more often, will you?  I’ve seen cholesterol numbers higher than my stats. 

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Jul 26 2014
1 Comment
Game of Thrones

Comic Con – Game of Thrones Bloopers

Comic Con is underway in San Diego. Wish I was there. Here’s a look at the Game of Thrones Blooper real shown at the GoT panel:

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Jul 16 2014
5 Comments
Comedy, Writing

Writing Advice from Weird Al

Weird Al Yankovic is having the best week ever. He’s releasing a new parody video every day this week and so far he’s spot on. For all you writers out there, here’s “Word Crimes,” Weird Al’s parody of “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke:

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Jul 11 2014
2 Comments
Books, Comedy

Barely Political – Key of Awesome – The Anti List – Must Read Books for the Summer

I love the Key of Awesome. If you’ve yet to see it, it’s a hilarious youtube channel where the people over at barely political (which also has a youtube channel) produce some funny song parodies. They also do something called “The Anti List” where, well, they basically make funny lists. They just made one lampooning a bunch of bestselling books turned movies/tv. Check it out. While you’re at it, look for their video”Booty Jam” on youtube as that is, in my opinion, their funniest music parody video. Please support these guys, check them out on youtube, follow their channels, etc. They’re always hilarious and it’s great to see such funny independent comedy.

Here’s the Anti List on Books:

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