Tag Archives: movie reviews

Jan 28 2017
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Movie Review – A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Canine reincarnation.  Animal acting controversy.  Pooch Hall in a 1980s Jerry curl.

BQB here with a review of the sappy schmaltz fest that is, A Dog’s Life.

Before I venture into this review, I suppose I should discuss the elephant in the room.  This film was expected to get more play as an ode to man’s best friend, but all that was cast aside when video surfaced of a trainer struggling to get a German Shepherd to enter a turbulent pool of water, followed by the dog later ending up submerged a little longer than anyone would like to see.

More on that from the LA Times.

Honestly, I don’t know.  I watched the video.  The dog isn’t beaten or anything, though that shouldn’t necessarily be the low bar that is set for dog treatment.  The dog is scared.  The trainer tries to get him to go into the pool anyway.  Eventually the dog is in the pool and he goes underwater for a bit.  At the end of the day, he’s safe.

Animal activists are all over the movie like stink on a monkey, raising the question of whether or not animals should be made to appear/perform in movies at all.

On the other hand, W. Bruce Cameron, author of the book the film is based on, released this letter to USA Today, which, if you read it, seems reasonable.

I don’t want to put words into the man’s mouth but my takeaway was, “We goofed.  We’re sorry.  I love dogs.  The movie is meant as a love song to the relationship between man and dog.”

I’ll let you decide.  Personally, I think it might be one of those lessons where everything worked out, the dog’s fine and there was a lesson learned.  Movie dog trainers are now on notice to not force dogs to do things they aren’t cool with.  Yes, it’s a teachable moment for the PETA crowd to express their views, but then again, in today’s knee jerk to become outraged within 30 seconds Internet/social media culture, the folks behind the movie are being treated as if they are collectively Satan…and I don’t sense a vibe that they are Satan.

Moving on to the film itself, Bailey, voiced by Josh Gad, begins his journey as a golden retriever owned by young Ethan.  Time moves on.  As in any life, there are happy times and sad times, proud times and profoundly disappointing times.

Long story short, the pooch buys the farm and is reincarnated as a different dog over and over again, each time to a different owner in a different time period.

Each owner has his/her backstory and it’s up to Bailey to help each human with their personal problems as best he can.  Some owners are kind.  Some owners are douches.

Morals laid down by the tale:

  • Your dog’s life is in your hands and ultimately, he/she ends up being as happy as you are.  If you’re a douche and you treat your dog in a douche-like manner, your dog will be unhappy.  If you rise above whatever it is that is dragging you down, you’ll find happiness if you remember to treat your dog right.
  • Your dog has thoughts.  No, a dog’s inner voice probably doesn’t sound like Josh Gad, but dogs get the gist.  They know if you are mad at them or happy with them.  They know what it is like to be treated well and they know what it is like to be treated like crap.
  • Give your dog a break.  Sure, they occasionally poop on your rug, but if you wouldn’t cast out a family member for making a mistake then give your dog the same courtesy.
  • Dogs are a lot of work.  Being a dog owner is a big commitment.  Think about whether or not you are up for it.  Being chained up in the back yard with occasional feedings and waterings whenever you feel like it is no life for a dog.
  • Ultimately, your dog is a source of unconditional love.  Your dog won’t leave you a Dear John letter or tell you to get lost.  Though you’ll often go to work, go out into the world and leave your dog alone, he/she is like a friend that’s always there waiting for you when you get home.

I hate to admit it, but the film was a real tearjerker.  I mean, not to spoil it, but as a viewer, you’re forced to witness a dog die over and over and over again and that’s before you even scrape the surface of the emotional pain his various owners are in.  Oh and time flashes by at a lightning pace and entire decades have come and gone before you realize it, so try to make the most of it before it is too late.

It sucks that the controversy derailed this film.  I sympathize with the people that are mad.  I sympathize with the people behind this film.

All and all, I’d say give the movie a chance.  There’s a definite love of all things furry behind it.

STATUS: Shelf worthy.  Woof.

 

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Jan 23 2017
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Movie Review – Sing (2016)

Singing animals.  A koala bear hustler.  A mouse who can channel Sinatra.

BQB here with a review of Sing.

Non-Disney animation studios have always been at a disadvantage.  They’ve put out some great, funny films over the years, but rarely do they ever churn out something that could be called a “classic.”

Disney’s got the schmaltzy, heart string tugging formula down and it doesn’t hurt that they have a couple of parks to indoctrinate kids into their universe at a young age either.

I think Illumination, the studio who gave us those pesky minions, have brought us an instant classic with Sing.

Matthew (“Aw right, aw right, aw right”) McConaughey voices producer/down on his luck charlatan Buster Moon, a koala bear desperately trying to save the theater his father helped him build.  He thinks an American Idol-esque singing contest will do the trick, but alas, a typo on the advertising flyers courtesy of his incompetent secretary/iguana Miss Crawly lands him in hot water.

Finalists include:

  • Rosita (Reese Witherspoon) – A pig/stay at home mom who feels her vocal talents are being wasted in a life spent washing clothes and grocery shopping.
  • Mike (Seth MacFarlane) – A mouse who sings like Frank Sinatra with a gambling program that has left him in hock to a bunch of angry bears.
  • Ash (Scarlett Johansson) – A punk rocker porcupine, or “punkupine” if you will, trying to decide whether or not to stick with her loser boyfriend/bandmate or strike out on her own.
  • Johnny (Taron Egerton) – A gorilla forced into a life of crime by his bank robbing father.
  • Meena (Tori Kelly) – A shy elephant who would be a great singer if she can just get up the nerve.

Along the way, there are frogs who appropriately sing Van Halen’s Jump, bunnies who pay tribute to Sir Mix-a-Lot, and an alligator who sings the Humpty Dance.

Each character has his/her own reasons for wanting to win the contest and by the end of the film you find yourself rooting for all of them.  The kids will enjoy it but you will too.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.

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Jan 21 2017
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Movie Review – Colossal (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.

I caught a glimpse of this trailer today and it looks pretty cool.

Anne Hathaway is upset that a giant monster has started destroying the city.  After awhile, she realizes, for some bizarre, unexplained reason, that the monster mimics her movements and is essentially under her control.

What say you, 3.5?

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Jan 16 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Patriots Day (2016)

Wacky Boston accents.  Explosions.  Mark Wahlberg wants you to say hello to your mother for him.

BQB here with a review of Patriots Day.

It’s not easy to make a movie about real, tragic events.  First, there’s the possibility that people might be offended by the idea of Hollywood making a buck off of other people’s misery.

Second, real life often does not provide cookie cutter storylines.  Thus, movies like these often come across as well-acted documentaries instead of an actual cinematic story.

Mark “I’m From Boston So I Have to Be in All of the Boston Movies that Ben Affleck Isn’t In, Kid” Wahlberg leads the cast as Sgt.Tommy Saunders, a chronic pain sufferer forced to work crowd control on the Boston Marathon as a punishment.  Saunders is in the dog house with the department for unspecified reasons, but he’s assured this assignment will return him to good standing.

What begins as a fun event quickly turns tragic when bombs go off.  Scenes of mayhem, carnage, responders assisting people who have lost limbs, blood, body parts etc.  Personally, I could have done without seeing that, though I understand the overall goal was to explain to the viewer the pain, both physical and mental, that people experienced due to this attack.

Throughout the film, we are introduced to various people from all walks of life, from a young studious couple who end up losing their legs, to the poor unfortunate MIT police officer who is in the wrong place at the wrong time, to the dude who’s just checking his text messages when he gets kidnapped by a pair of terrorists and forced to go on a scary ride as their hostage.

Things get more interesting as the hunt for bombers/terrorist brothers Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev gets underway.  Kevin Bacon and John Goodman are among the actors who play the assorted suits in charge.

One part that caught my attention was how technology made a big impact on the investigation.  Officers collected cell phones from the scene and were flooded with emails from citizens who had been recording footage.  Based on all that data, the authorities were able to find images of the two suspects.

It all concludes in a frightening chase/stand-off in Watertown, where the Tsarnaevs shoot at and hurl homemade bombs at police officers.  The scenes rival any action packed summer blockbuster.  Intriguing to watch until you realize…this actually happened.  Dun dun dun.

Overall, I felt the film treated the event with respect, though there has been some controversy.  For example, there have been some reports that Dennis Simmonds, a black police officer who was injured during the Watertown shootout, then died a year later from his wounds, was not granted any screen time.  Way to go, Hollywood.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  It runs long.  You could wait to rent it, though the Watertown shoot out scene is pretty intense on the big screen.  Again, I do say that reluctantly, as this stuff actually happened.

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Jan 16 2017
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Movies

Movie Review: Live By Night (2017)

Tommy guns!  Dizzy dames!  Ben Affleck in a white suit mumbling incoherently.

Youse guys better check out this movie if youse know what’s good for youse, see?

BQB here with the 1930s period piece/screen adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s historical crime novel, Live By Night.

Ben “Look At Me, I’m From Boston So I Have to Be in All the Boston Movies, Kid” Affleck stars as stick up man Joe Coughlin, a petty thug/World War I veteran who, despite being Irish, rises up through the ranks of the Italian mob on a mission of vengeance against the rival mobster who killed the maul he loved.

It’s a great premise.  It’s fun to see the past brought to life on the big screen.  Historic films rarely do well at the box office anymore, so it’s great to see Hollywood sticking up for them anyway.

Further, we’ve seen gangster era New York on screen, but its rare to see somewhere like Boston in the thirties.

My main complaint is the film tends to wander.  The whole point of the film is Joe seeking revenge, but he takes a roundabout zig zag approach to it instead of a straight line.  Halfway through the film you start to forget what Joe is up to.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Probably the best you’re going to see on screen in January.

 

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Jan 08 2017
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Movie Review – Way of the Dragon (1972)

I love it when I can watch movies related to a project I’m working on and call it research.

Bruce Lee’s signature film, a super hairy Chuck Norris and a whole helluva lot of kung fu.

BQB here with a review of Way of the Dragon.

I have to be honest.  This film is considered to be the quintessential martial arts film but when I look through it via a modern frame of mind then…well, yeah, it kind of stinks.

It’s basically one step above being a high school AV club project.  The plot is goofy.  In Rome, a  mafia don wants a restaurant owned by Uncle Wang and, I guess his relative of some sort, maybe his daughter or some shit I don’t know because it’s hard to understand, so what the hell, we’ll just call her his daughter, Chen Ching Hua (Nora Miao).

Chen’s other uncle from Hong Kong sends a friend, Tang Lung (Bruce Lee), to Rome to help protect the restaurant and beat up some motherfuckers with his kung fu skills.

Throughout the film, there are cheesy jokes aplenty.  For example, Tang Lung arrives at the airport and an old lady stares at him, unsure what to make of him.  He then orders soup at an airport restaurant but his elderly waitress is confused as to what he wants.  He points to soup on the menu a bunch of times, so she brings him like twenty bowls of soup.

Being a gentlemen, Tang Lung eats it all and then throughout the first part of the film it becomes a running joke that he needs to keep asking for a bathroom because he has the soupy shits.

Meanwhile, the don’s top henchman is a flamboyantly gay, scarf clad stereotype, so outlandish in fact that I’d love to get Ken Jeong on the phone just to ask if he based Mr. Chow in The Hangover films on this character.

Blah, blah, blah, there are a lot of jokes, a lot of fights, a lot of squabbling over what is going to happen to the restaurant and then, wham!  There’s the big finish in which the don hires American martial artist Colt (aka Chuck Fucking Norris) to take down Tang Lung, because apparently, he really wants that fucking restaurant.

Add to the list of the movie’s plot holes a lack of an explanation as to why this restaurant is so important.  The don goes through like nine-hundred henchmen just to get his hands on this joint.  Is gold buried under the floor boards?  Is it prime real estate that can be sold at a high markup?  What the hell is going on here?  Oh well.  Nobody knows.

And I also digress.  This film was Chuck Norris’ big screen debut and holy shit, was he a sight to behold in his youthful, pre-mustache glory.  The man had a bear-like mange of chest hair, so luxurious that Bruce tears a hunk out of it during the final fight scene.

The man’s back was even hairy.  That shit just wouldn’t fly today.  If you want to be on screen then you have to be waxed, but they didn’t care about that shit in the 1970s.  Hell, hairiness was a sign of virility.  The hairier you were, the more poon you got and let me tell you, by the look of his back, young Chuck Norris was swimming in strange.

Can you believe I once had a girlfriend who complained about my hairy back?  Shit.  I bet young Chuck Norris didn’t have to put up with uppity broads trying to rub Nair all over his shoulder blades.

I have digressed again.  Look, the film is on Netflix so you should check it out.  Don’t shit on the film as I have but rather, keep in mind that it was a 1970s flick, made at a time when martial arts films were just getting started.  Ignore the cheesiness, the silly jokes, and the terrible English voiceover dubbing.

The final fight scene is intense.  Bruce and Chuck never speak to each other but it is clear they are both professionals.  They silently taunt one another but they also fight with honor and respect.

Come for the movie.  Stay until the end for the epic final showdown between Bruce and Chuck, two titans in all of their glory.  Sadly, the world lost Bruce way, way too young, but at least Chuck stuck around long enough to grow a sweet mustache, appear in a shit ton of B movies and become an Internet meme.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Invent a time machine and bring me back to the 1970s, a time when men were men and the only limit to the amount of chicks they could bag was measured by the amount of bear-like fur on their manly chests and backs.

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Jan 07 2017
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Movie Trailer – Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2

Loving this trailer, 3.5 readers.  The Guardians of the Galaxy are back with humor, action, 1970s songs and Baby Groot.

What say you, 3.5?

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Dec 31 2016
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Movie Review – Why Him? (2016)

Why him?  Ugh…why me?

The things I do for my 3.5 readers, like bothering to review this movie.

BQB here with a review of Why Him?

So, at the outset, the premise sounds like a pretty standard Christmas comedy.  Dad does not like the man his daughter he is dating but powers through it and realizes that the guy isn’t that bad.

Problem is that there’s a big age difference between the couple and uh, well, it’s creepy.

Bryan Cranston is businessman Ned Fleming, who has been asked by his daughter Stephanie (Zoey Deutch) to come out to California to spend the holidays and meet her new boyfriend, Laird (James Franco).

Problem is Stephanie is 22, Laird is 32 (although if you’re a movie buff like me, then you know that Franco is closer to 40 which just makes the whole thing odd).

Laird isn’t just an eccentric weirdo, he’s also an Internet millionaire app developer, which is apparently the only way anyone came become a millionaire these days, but don’t get me started on the economy.  That’s a whole other article altogether.

Where was I?  Cranston is put with the paces, cashing in on a big holiday film after breaking through with Breaking Bad.  Laird is into all sorts of oddball things and Cranston goes through all of them to comedic effect.

I can’t lie.  There are parts of the movie that are hysterical.  It was nice to see Megan Mullally with a big film part as Cranston’s wife/Stephanie’s mother as she is overdue.

Griffin Gluck is funny as the goofy little brother.  Cedric the Entertainer is great as Cranston’s second-in-command at the office.  Keegan Michael-Key is a riot as Laird’s estate manager Gustav.

Kaley Cuoco (Penny from The Big Bang Theory) actually steals the show as the voice of Laird’s home AI.  It’s fun to hear Penny say naughty things.

All in all, it’s got all the great trappings of a fun holiday comedy/date movie but…eh…maybe it’s my #OscarsSoPretty activism but I just couldn’t over the age difference between the Stephanie and Laird.

The age difference is addressed in the film, Laird comes across as a good dude that’ll do right by her and everything but let’s be honest:

Rich guy 40 year old dates your 22 year old daughter – you’ll probably be cool with it.  It’ll be weird at first but he’s rich and shit.

Ugly broke 40 year old dates your 22 year old daughter – you’ll be reaching for your shotgun.

It’s funny.  It’s actually a decent film as throw away comedies that you’ll never watch again go but…eh, the age difference weirded me out.

STATUS:  Borderline shelf-worthy.  No need to rush to the theater.  Worth a rental.

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Dec 30 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – Assassin’s Creed (2016)

By: Special Guest Reviewer Video Game Rack Fighter

I’m just going to say it.  It’s unfair that I only get to review video game based films because nine times out of ten they suck so bad even Vinny Baggadouchio can’t cure them.

Ha.  Inside humor.

Video Game Rack Fighter here with a review of Assassin’s Creed.

While we’re on the subject of films that suck, is it me or did this whole holiday season lineup kind of blow turds?  Other than Rogue One and Passengers, Hollywood shit the bed this year.

Anyway, this video game based film didn’t suck as much as you might expect, though there was a certain amount of suckage.  Maybe 60 non-suck and 40 suck if I’m feeling generous.

Why do video game movies usually suck?  Because video games are usually written with a player in mind, not a viewer.

Case in point – in Assassin’s Creed, you, the player, are put into a machine that allows you, through advances in DNA science, to travel back in time in your mind and control the actions of your ancestor who shares the same DNA.

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In other words, as a video game player, you might relate more to controlling a 15th century assassin than you would actually being a 15th century assassin.  After all, what do you know about being a 15th century assassin?  (Then again, what do you know about controlling one?)

It’s an idea that works well in the game, but not so much in the film.  The story keeps switching between present day Cal (Michael Fassbender), a convict under the thumb of Sofia (Marion Cotillard) and Aguilar, Cal’s 15th century assassin ancestor (also played by Michael Fassbender).

Ultimately, there are two worlds and two plots, neither of which were fully explored within the movie’s timeframe.  In fact, I dare say they spent too much time on the present day stuff and not enough time on the past stuff, where the best action in the game occurs.  (The present day controlling your ancestor bit is basically just something that moves the game along).

The effects are great, the ancient fight scenes are awesome, but as video games so often do, it left me feeling “meh.”

If they ever do a sequel, and sadly given the ending it looks like they will, they’d be well-informed to know that the ancient assassin being controlled is the main attraction and the person doing the controlling is just a side show.  I came for Michael Fassbender in a murdering people in a cloak.  I got a little bit of that and a lot of Michael Fassbender being moody and grunting angrily, as he does in most of his films.

Funny, when this game came out years ago, I was excited for it as it promised to be Splinter Cell in ancient times.  If you’ve never played Splinter Cell, you play as a secret agent who doesn’t win by shooting but by stealth.  You have to sneak into a building, crawl around on the ceiling, through vents, up elevator shafts and subdue enemies without any one knowing.

Alas, the original Assassin’s Creed, wasn’t that well-developed.  Missions called for you to be sneaky but the program was a little too sensitive as you’d inevitably be discovered and have to go on a stabbing spree just to get away.

The games did get better over the years, with games taking place on pirate ships and during the American Revolutionary War.

STATUS:  Moderately shelf-worthy.  Not worth seeing in the theater.  Worth a rental.

 

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Dec 26 2016
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Movie Review – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Full, Spoilery Review) (2016)

Hey 3.5 Jedis.

“I am one with the force and the force is with me.”

But if you read on, the SPOILERS will be with you.

So seriously.  If you haven’t seen this movie yet, then a) you aren’t a true nerd and b) stop reading so the movie isn’t ruined for you.

This is a review for people who have seen the movie and want to talk about it.

I’m serious, 3.5 scruffy looking nerf herders.  This is your last chance to avoid SPOILERS.

OK, now that the true nerds are here, let’s talk.  This isn’t so much a review as it is a list of observations:

#1 – The Opening Crawl and the Usual Theme Song Weren’t Used

This is the franchise’s first foray outside of the saga, i.e. the ongoing plot line in which the Skywalker family’s petty bullshit spills over into the galaxy and ruins everything.  Stupid Skywalkers.

Even so, I missed the opening crawl and the theme song.  There was a variation of the theme song but it wasn’t the same.  I assume someone made a decision that the crawl must be reserved for the saga only.

At least they split the difference by throwing, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” up there.

Nerds must be satisfied.

#2 – It was the best Star Wars Movie I’ve Seen in a Long Time

Last year’s The Force Awakens was OK, but let’s be honest, it was basically just a retelling of Episode IV except Luke is a girl now.

Rogue One has guts, grit, and best of all, an interesting plot, which brings us to…

#3 – The Hollywood suits didn’t do business as usual with this one and it paid off.

Think about the decisions that were made in this film:

  • Jyn Erso isn’t a role model – Jyn (Felicity Jones) is a space convict who has committed crimes.  While, given her back story, those crimes are understandable, she probably wouldn’t be a Hollywood suit’s first choice when it comes to merchandising.  Squeaky clean Rey is the poster girl for lunch boxes, shirts, and yes, even posters.  I mean, I haven’t been paying attention so maybe there is Jyn merchandise but all in all, “space convict” wouldn’t be a suit’s first choice and yet her being a space convict made the story more interesting.
  • The Rebels don’t come across as total angels – Yes, for seven films now we’ve heard of the bravery of the Rebel Alliance but low and behold, now we learn they have done some nasty shit.  It is unavoidable in war.  The concept of how far a side should go in the name of a cause they believe in is explored.  Saw Gerrera (Forrest Whittaker) even commits acts of terrorism against the Empire that are so bad he has been denounced by the Rebels.  I can hear the suits worrying that toy sales might drop if the Rebels are shown to have a bad side but hey, it made the movie better.
  • Everyone dies at the end – Sorry, but I did tell you this review would be spoilery.  Yes!  Everyone freaking dies at the end!  Hollywood suits surely worry about shit like this.  “Why would kids buy action figures based on characters who are dead?  How can the kids act out new stories if the characters have bought the farm?”  The suits were ignored.  Everyone dies and repeat after me, “the movie was better for it.”

#4 – Chirrut Imwe is the first non-Jedi follower of the Force religion we’ve seen (that I know of) – I’m sure there are nerds who would be willing to tell me that I’m wrong, but Chirrut (Donnie Yen) is a martial artist as well as a big believer in the Force, but at no time in the movie does he actually use the Force.  Come to think of it, that was also a big deviation from the saga.  The Force isn’t used much (by any one good, anyway) and there are no light saber duels.  There is a light saber bitch slap session conducted by a certain dark helmet wearing fellow, but we will get to that.

#5 – The space battle was awesome – It really was, and in keeping with my #OscarsSoPretty activism, it is good to know that ugly actors always have a home in the cockpit of an X-Wing.  X-Wing pilots can spend their time primping in front of a mirror, or they can practice their flight skills, but they can’t do both.  And a banzai style ramming of a Star Destroyer?  Yes, please.

#6 – K-2SO – The droid voiced by Alan Tudyk was the films much needed comic relief.  That’s all I have to say about him.

#7 – Reviving old characters through CGI – Princess Leia and Grand Moff Tarken both make CGI aided appearances.  Usually, I think this move does not end well (it totally sucked with Jeff Bridges in the latest Tron fiasco) but it worked well here.  They looked very real.

#8 -It’s a one and done – Really.  They all die at the end.  No sequels.  The box office totals have been great, but the money that can be made off of these characters is limited.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They could always do something like, “Jyn Erso: The Early Years” or “Fun Times with Saw Gerrerra.”

#9 – Darth Vader is a F*%King Badass and It’s About F*%King Time – Remember all those prequels that promised to tell the life story of Darth Vader, the man who became Space Hitler?  Remember how they turned out to be glorified children’s cartoons geared toward toy merchandising?  Yes.  Very disappointing.  Pod racing was the last thing that was on Darth’s mind when he was slicing, dicing, and julienning those rebels and, I’ll say it again, “the movie was better for it.”

Speaking of…

#10 – The Ending Was BRILLIANT – I’ve read some critics who are pooping all over the ending.  These critics are idiots.  This movie perfectly lines up with Star Wars IV: A New Hope.  Remember, IV begins with Darth Vader being totally rip shit over missing Death Star plans and he ends up tearing ass all throughout the Rebel fleet, giving light saber enemas to anyone who stands between him and the plans.  We are then told that some rebels died in order to get these plans to Princess Leia.  Ergo, this film is the story of how those rebels got their grubby mitts on those plans.  It really is the best story of how a vent in a giant planet killing machine was found.

Was Darth Vader brutally violent as he begins his search for the plans at the end of this film?  Yes.  But I’ve been waiting for him to kick ass again for a long time and Disney finally gave me what I wanted.  You can now watch Rogue One before watching IV and plot wise, the films line up perfectly.

Do I care that your kid might get nightmares of Darth Vader going on a lightsaber slashing spree?  Yes, but that just means you should leave your kid at home because I should be able to enjoy Darth’s lightsaber slashing spree.

Darth Vader is Space Hitler.  Darth Vader chokes bitches who do him wrong out with the Force.  Darth Vader will not hesitate to cut a bitch with his red lightsaber.  I’m sorry that in the late nineties and early 2000s, George Lucas led your child to believe that Darth was “Ani,” the little boy who pod raced, had Jar Jar as a side kick and fell in love with a space queen over a space picnic.  Ani is gone.  Darth Vader remains.  Darth Vader will Force choke a rebel bitch.  Darth Vader will even Force choke his own people.  You might call that workplace harassment but Darth calls it employee motivation.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  See it on the big screen.  The best Star Wars film since Empire.  (Although I do like Return of the Jedi even though many nerds don’t).

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