Did you know that Nic Cage, despite coming off as kind of a loon today, was perhaps one of the most bankable action film stars of the 1990s?
Yes. And as I do some house cleaning here at BQB HQ, I’m letting his hits run in the background. First, The Rock, which is really a great movie and next Con Air which isn’t as good but is still pretty good. Face/Off is also great but I actually watched that recently so I probably won’t watch it again anytime soon.
Those are his big three. He did National Treasure in the 2000s but that’s more of like a family friendly Disney action film whereas his 1990s work is grittier.
You know what movie of his I never saw? Leaving Las Vegas. Not an action film but I might check it out sometime.
Anyway, I felt it important to advise you all of my Nic Cage watching activities.
When I was in my late teens, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson was a gangbuster comedy and a rare funny movie that got Oscar love.
The story follows a cranky old novelist Melvin who gets irate if every little thing in his life isn’t exactly perfect. When his usual waitress (Helen Hunt) takes sick leave to care for her ill son, Melvin goes bonkers because no other waitress is able to handle all of his unusual little requests and quirks and demands.
He finds the waitress and hires a great doctor to cure the boy. Waitress and Melvin become unlikely friends and they take Melvin’s neighbor (Greg Kinnear) on a road trip. Greg is an artist who is attacked and robbed and he has to suck it up and ask his estranged parents who don’t approve of his gay lifestyle for a loan to keep him afloat as he has lost so much money due to the attack and medical bills etc.
At some point in the film, Melvin realizes he will never not be pissed off all the time. Helen Hunt will always be an unappreciated single mom. Greg will probably keep letting the wrong people into his life who do bad things to him (the robbery and attack were from a former boyfriend).
Melvin says, “What if this is as good as it gets?”
In other words, a point comes where we realize we have peaked and it is unlikely that life will ever get any better. If anything, it’s just a steep decline until death from hereon out.
As I reach 40, I realize the time to get things done is when you are young. Unfortunately, I spent my best years making a lot of dumb decisions and I thought my youth made me Superman, “Eh, I’ll fix my life tomorrow for I have plenty of time. Today, I will eat cookies and play video games.”
It would have been nice to have gotten a sequel. Maybe Jack and Helen get married and Jack becomes less dickish since he has love and Helen can breathe a little easier if Jack is helping with the kid.
Maybe Greg will find a love that won’t break into his house and beat him up and steal his stuff.
I don’t know. But I’ll tell you I didn’t get that line when I was younger but now that I’m older, I understand it. What if this is as good as it gets?
Sigh.
P.S. – One of my favorite quotes. A female fan asks novelist Jack “How do you write women so well?” He responds, “I think of a man and then I take away reason and accountability.”
So much of this movie probably wouldn’t fly today even though the movie was fairly “woke” for its time. Jack was a cranky prick who made fun of Greg for being gay but when the chips were down, he cared enough about his neighbor to lend a hand. Jack’s obviously been jilted in the past so that he doesn’t have a lot of respect for women but Helen’s kindness helps him find it. Actually, that’s another great line. “You make me want to be a better man.”
Today, in a reboot everyone would have to be nice and get a long but maybe the point is we’ll all never see eye to eye since our experiences have been different but can we count on each other when the chips are down is the question.
OH, I SHOULD MAKE A POINT: The point is, I wish I had understood when I saw this movie in my late teens that life eventually does peak, so when I was young, I should have climbed a much higher mountain so I could have a much better view for a while in my 40s and possibly 50s before I start tumbling down the hill in my 60s (if I get that far, hopefully, knock on wood.) So, if you’re a younger member of the 3.5 reader club, start climbing now, bitch.
Sears got its milkshake drank. Will yours be next?
Ahh, Sears. Back in the day, no trip to the mall was complete without a trip to this anchor store and let me tell you, my Aunt Gertie used to get Sears catalogs in the mail all the time.
They were big ass tomes the size of 10 bibles that weighed at least 10 pounds and oh, as a kid I’d turn through the pages and dream. I want that toy, I want that toy, and oh my, why do these bra models give me a tingly feeling?
Jeez. I think I might have a few of those catalogs lying around. I wonder if they’re worth anything. I’d go fap to the bra models but I won’t out of respect, given that all those models are probably either dead or super old and in nursing homes now. Sigh. Oh time, you cruel bitch, you.
For the uninitiated, Mr. Sears, way back in the 1800s was the first businessman to realize that since there were parts of America that didn’t have any stores, he could make bank by sending out catalogs and taking orders for goods by mail. As the years went on, Sears stores became the pinnacle of every mall and as credit cards came into style, they dominated the catalog sales market. Shit, Aunt Gertie ordered all my clothes as a kid from Sears. You think that was why I was so unpopular? Oh well. Water under the bridge.
So, I guess I don’t get it. The Internet came into great popularity in the 1990s and Jeff Bezos, blessed be his most revered name (and I’m not just saying that because he has the power to snuff out my self-publishing dreams) saw the potential of the Internet to sell stuff.
Wal-Mart saw the potential too and though I don’t believe it has reached Amazon lengths, it does a brisk online sales business.
JC Penney, Sears’ longtime rival in the box store/catalog game has kept afloat by doing online sales as well.
So, to repeat, I don’t get it. Sears basically invented the whole concept of taking pictures of products, organizing them into catalogs and giving them descriptions, product numbers, listing the prices, making it easy for people to call on the phone, read off the products they wanted to an operator who took their order, credit card number and address and they even mastered how to complete orders through the mail.
Why didn’t anyone at Sears have the vision, the foresight to say, “Hey, I think this Internet thing is here to stay and we should take our catalog…and hold on…think about it here…put it online!”
Now, I don’t know. I believe they did. To what extent I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps it wasn’t so much the lack of putting it online so much as getting you anything you want the way Amazon can. I mean, there are so many times when I think something like, “I would like a can of farts excreted by an East Peruvian Water Buffalo in July” and then go to Amazon and do a search and get, “Here are twenty choices for farts excreted by East Peruvian Water Buffalos in July.”
I don’t know. I’m not sure what Sears’ downfall was. Either they didn’t get into online sales early enough, or maybe they didn’t make online shopping as cool as Amazon did. Maybe they didn’t think of nifty little ways to grab your cash the way Amazon does. Shit, Amazon thinks of new ways to get your money all the time. You can get a little button to stick in your kitchen and push it when you’re out of toilet paper, chips, insert household staple here and they will put it on your tab and send it to you. You can get Alexa and say, “Hey Alexa order me a can of East Peruvian Water Buffalo Farts” and she’ll order it for you. Maybe it was that. Maybe Sears just didn’t think of enough ways to be cool.
I know Blockbuster could have gotten into the streaming game earlier and could still be around in an online form today. Borders could have embraced e-books earlier and still be in the fight today.
So, let’s apply this to you (because I never apply good lessons to me, I just continue to do the same dumb things and let them blow up in my face over and over again and never learn anything like Wile E. Coyote.)
What is something that you could begin doing today that will be hard, will require hard work and sacrifice, will unlikely yield results in the short term, but in 5 years, you’ll be glad you did it?
I bet the people in charge of Sears wish that 5 years ago, they might have made their website cooler. Maybe they might have gotten more exclusive product deals available only on their site. Maybe they could have come up with a little robot that sits on your desk and speaks in a British accent, like your robot butler who says, “Pip, pip, cheerio, you want me to order you some more raisin bran, fuck face?” I don’t know. All I know is they didn’t do it, and now much like in that film, There Will Be Blood, Bezos is drinking Sears’ milkshake. “I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!!”
Back to the point. Maybe you’re a fat fuck. Maybe in five years you’d like to be a skinny fuck so you can run, jump, hop, skip, do fun activities and if you’re looking good you might just score yourself some bomb ass pussy (or ladies, you might acquire some bomb ass peen.)
Maybe you’re having financial woes. Maybe if you start a plan of cutting spending and perhaps get a little side gig or a part time job, you’ll get those debts tackled in five years.
Shit. Take some piano lessons today and maybe you’ll be tickling the ivories in a concert hall in five years.
Hell, I spent the last two years writing a book about an alligator that eats people on the toilet. I hope to have it self-published next year. When I’m swimming in mad cash and bomb ass pussy thanks to all the fame and fortune I get when this book about a toilet gator goes gangbusters, I’ll be glad I put the time in on this fine book. I’ll be laughing at the other me in the alternate time line who will be a fucking loser because instead of writing a book about a toilet gator he did some weak ass shit like working extra hard on his cardio or volunteering to read to impoverished blind children or building hospitals in Ecuador or some shit.
Anyway, 3.5 readers. The takeaway? Right now, I know there is something you have wanted to happen for a long time. You never did it, but you know in your heart if you put the work in, you’ll have it in five years. Do you want to be like Sears? Do you want to be the hollow shell, the desolate remains of a once thriving business that was the brain child of a wise 1800’s business tycoon? Or, do you want to be like Supreme Overlord Bezos, violating the spent carcass of yet another fallen, wasted competitor over and over again?
If you don’t identify what you want and start acting on it today, then I guarantee you in five years, someone else will be getting it. You’ll still be fat and some other skinny person will be partying with the bomb ass pussy or peen, whatever your preference. Someone else will be playing the piano you were going to play. Someone else will be enjoying a debt free life while you’ll be giving handjobs in bus station bathrooms just to pay off the minimum payment on your credit cards. (You’ll be giving handjobs forever at that rate!)
The next five years will go by fast…in the blink of an eye. You can drink some other schmuck’s milkshake, or you can get yours drunk up. What’s it going to be?
(Note. Let’s all return to this post in five years and trade notes on how this all worked out.)
ADDITIONAL NOTE: It dawns on me that not all 3.5 of you have seen There Will Be Blood and I don’t advise it, because once you see a man get beaten to death with a bowling pin by a man enjoying a brownie, you can’t unsee that shit. Long story short, “I drink your milkshake!” comes from this scene where Daniel Day Lewis plays an oil baron who is bragging to a preacher about how he screwed him over in an oil deal.
So, to really motivate yourself, you need to a) picture what you want and then b) work on getting it for fear that in five years, if you don’t get what you want, Daniel Day Lewis will get what you wanted because he worked for it harder and he will ridicule you by laughing at you, telling you he got what you wanted because you’re a weak, pathetic loser and he was really strong and cunning and then he will beat the shit out of you with a bowling pin and eat a brownie.
If that doesn’t make you work hard on your goals then I don’t know what will.
Ahh, Venom. That misunderstood anti-hero/villain who Hollywood will never understand. He made an appearance in “Spiderman 3” and was a dud then. Here, the effort is better but…well…it’s not quite as awesome as you might hope.
Tom Hardy plays way, way, way against type as down on his luck loser journalist Eddie Brock. Blah, blah, blah, hijinx ensue and he ends up sharing his body with the alien entity known as Venom. Basically, it’s a modern day Jeykll and Hyde tale.
Venom takes control and Brock is along for the ride, frightened and humorously terrified as the alien makes him murder bad guys indiscriminately and even, yes, eat them. You’d think this kind of “OMG what’s going on I’m just a nerd!” role would go to a more comedic actor rather than Hardy, who is known for being a stoic who broods who barely speaks.
Still, I can’t knock a guy for trying something different, just as I can’t knock Michelle Williams for starring as Brock’s girlfriend. The role seems beneath Williams though I understand why she took it – i.e. appearing in a super hero movie is like the gold standard now.
Is it fun? Yes. Is it worth your time? Yes. Is it being all it could be? No. Alas, I don’t think fans will ever get that long awaited Venom vs. Spidey movie we’ve all been waiting for.
I can’t tell if I hated it or just found it mildly passable. I didn’t love it, that’s for sure. At any rate, I’ll be collecting my thoughts about this movie for a while but in the meantime, here’s my review of “The Predator.”
The original “Predator” with Arnold Schwarzenegger was sublime. As action/horror movies go, perfection. In 1987, Arnie had spent the past decade flattening baddies with his pinky finger, such that he needed a real challenge, and an intergalactic big game hunter who traveled to earth to hunt humans was it.
The sequel with Danny Glover was…OK. It’s watchable. It’s acceptable.
Other than that, there have been sequels that have been lame, forgettable and don’t even get me started on the Alien vs. Predator movies.
I wanted to hate this sequel a lot. It’s lame. It focuses more on humor and gives a lot of screen time to the humans and not so much to the Predator. Sequels have never been able to capture the magic of the original (plus that film starred two future governors.)
I will give this sequel this: since Predator 2, it’s the least shitty of a series of shitty sequels. (To clarify, P2 is better than this.)
The humor is 1980s style camp that you don’t see much of anymore. It made me nostalgic to watch, though at the same time, it’s not something I needed to see in a Predator movie either.
The plot is that a special ops sniper (Boyd Holbrook) happens upon a Predator landing, steals his equipment and his own government decides to throw him in prison to shut him up.
While being transported with a gaggle of other Army burn outs dubbed “the loonies,” he convinces them to break out to fight the Predator. Loonies include Trevante Rhodes, Alfie Allen (Game of Thrones), Key of Key and Peele who mostly provides comic relief and to my surprise, ex-Punisher Thomas Jane. Olivia Munn rounds out the cast as a sexy vet (the animal doctor kind) recruited to analyze a captive predator.
Sterling K. Brown stars as a government agent hunting the loonies and as a nice touch, Holbrook’s son has Aspberger’s syndrome which makes him bullied at school yet his “special” brain makes him the only one who can figure out how to use predator tech.
The movie is filled with plot holes, stupidity and it kinda makes you want to puke until people my age realize that many 1980s action flicks were like this but people took them seriously because they didn’t know better…so I suppose as an homage to the films that made Arnie a star, I can let the foolishness slide.
STATUS: I think it is possible to make a sequel that isn’t stupid. But I suppose they can do all the cash grabs they want without affecting Arnie’s original. Not worth a movie ticket or a rental. Feel free to stream it on cable. It is very stupid and silly and only becomes redeemable when you realize it’s on purpose as a 1980s action flick parody…which would be fine except I think that under-utilizes the predator.
Holy crap, 3.5 readers. Holy freaking crap. This was such a good movie. It’s so cool when you go into a movie, not having heard much about it and it turns out to be a real nail biter. I really recommend it. Go see it now.
Let’s get into it.
Anna Kendrick is Stephanie, a super mom. She bakes those cupcakes. She does all those volunteer jobs for her son’s school. She even has her own mommy vlog where she records videos full of tips to help mothers become the best mothers they can possibly be.
Meanwhile, Blake Lively is Emily, a rich, powerful business woman, an expert at making money but at mothering? Not so much.
Long story short, the moms meet when their boys have a play date and become unlikely friends. Stephanie is an awkward goody two shoes. Emily swears and drinks like a sailor. Somehow they put their differences aside and compliment each other.
Alas, chaos ensues when Emily asks Stephanie for a simple favor. She asks Stephanie to pick up her son at school and babysit him for the evening because she is swamped at work…and then she never comes back.
Thus, it’s up to Stephanie to solve the mystery of her friend’s disappearance.
If this is a spoiler, then so be it. I’ll shout it out now. SPOILER! Look away.
The cool thing about this movie is for the most part, it is a heart pounding mystery thriller, somewhat in the style of “Gone Girl.” Where’s the girl? What happened to her?
Then, at some points, it moves from seriousness and provides laugh out loud humor. Much of this is at the expense of Anna Kendrick, who is often featured in comedies as the sweet, naïve type and she excels at this here as a fish out of water, a super mom who just wanted to make a friend and now she’s thrust into a world of murder and intrigue. She engages in a lot of self deprecating humor to get her through.
Meanwhile, we see an evil side of Blake and her evil comes out in scary ways but also in funny ways.
I have no idea how to explain it other than picture a movie that goes from being an edge of your seat mystery to all of a sudden it’s like something you’d see on SNL and then it’s back to being a serious mystery again.
Doesn’t make sense? You’ll just have to go see it and get back to me. I’ll give it this. It’s very original and I give Hollywood kudos for greenlighting a movie that doesn’t make sense on paper but scores points in the execution.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Not gonna lie. Blake and Anna have both provided me with many a boner over the years, so much so that I’ll probably buy this movie when it comes out on demand just so I can use it as fapping material. Sorry. I just ruined my review but hey, it’s scary, it’s mysterious, it’s funny, and you can also fap to it.
FUN SIDE NOTE: While I was in the theater, there’s a part where the Blakester is going full out evil scary mode and at the same time, a woman in the theater roughly the same size and shape as Blake tripped and fell (not really fell but sort of stumbled down the stairs) and it scared the crap out of me and a bunch of other movie watchers as I think we all thought it was some kind of scary interactive shit or something.
BQB here with a review of Burt Reynolds’ most critically acclaimed drama (as opposed to his many car chase movies), Deliverance.
It’s every straight man’s worst nightmare – getting forcibly butt blasted against his well by a pair of drunken redneck perverts.
Yes indeed, Hollywood has created a number of monsters over the years. However, if you’re a straight, red blooded American male who dreams of titties and vag 24/7, the scariest, most unimaginable nightmare you can possibly think of is to be forced to “squeal like a pig” as what happened to Ned Beatty in a scene that is, frankly, hard to watch. Honestly, you might want to fast forward through it. I watched this movie years ago and would watch it again but for that scene that I never want to see again.
Four friends and city slickers (Burt Reynolds, Jon Voigt, Ronny Cox and Ned Beatty) go on a canoe trip to explore the great outdoors. When they reach town, they have a banjo duel with a creepy local boy, setting the eerie tone of what is about to transpire.
At first, it’s fun. Beer, canoeing and fishing. Burt’s character, Lewis, is actually an experienced outdoorsman who carries the rest of the crew on his back and his scenes where he shoots bad dudes with his bow and arrow are iconic.
Long story short, one canoe gets lost. Ned and Jon are accosted by dirty mountain man perverts who attack Ned’s tucas while Jon is forced to watch. Lewis saves the day by shooting one of the rapists in the heart with an arrow.
Alas, the other perv escapes and stocksthe rest of the canoers as they try to make it down the river to civilization. Ergo, the city slickers must band together to protect their lives and more importantly, their butts. Yes. These are manly men who will fight to the death to protect their butts from illicit invasions.
I doubt Hollywood would make this movie today. First, it implies the South is an awful place….eh, that’s probably a debate for another post, though Hollywood has never been shy about dumping on the South. But the main reason they wouldn’t make it again is because they’d be afraid people would assume that all homosexuals are looking to rape straight men’s butts which really is far from the truth. Just because these particular homosexuals were butt attackers doesn’t mean all are and surely audiences can be trusted to direct their disdain at these two outliers who deviated from the field containing the vast majority of homosexuals who only engage in consensual butt related activities.
Anyway, it’s a loaded subject matter. No, straight dudes shouldn’t fear gay dudes. But yes, straight dudes are going to fight like hell to protect their butts when in the presence of the very occasional, not representative of the norm, gay rapist because to a straight man, getting your butt invaded by another dude is a fate worse than death.
Hollywood, if they were to remake it today, would probably have Ned Beatty’s character be scared of butt activity only for him to decide he quite enjoys it and then he celebrates the butt invasion and then he moves to the country and opens up a bed and breakfast with his attackers.
Not gonna lie. Even by 1970s standards, the film’s a little freaky. They probably could have just made the rednecks a couple of crazed, homicidal murderers who like to kill people and the audience would have been given the requisite sense of dread without adding the butt attack scene which really, you’ll feel like you have to bleach your brain just to forget that terrible, terrible scene.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but I’ll never watch it again. Cool as Burt is with his bow and arrow, I just can’t watch Ned get butt attacked again. Frankly, Ned should have gotten an Academy Award just for having the courage to play, as far as I know, the first male on male rape victim caught on film. That’s some shit that even Daniel Day Lewis won’t do.
BQB here with a review of Burt Reynolds’ greatest movie.
It’s the late 1970s. The Bandit (Reynolds) is a notorious driver, known along the open road by truckers as an awesome dude.
The fabulously wealthy (and eccentric) father/son duo, Big and Little Enos get their kicks off of betting drivers that they won’t be able to transport booze across state lines within a certain time period. Although alcohol is legal, transporting it in large quantities across state lines without the proper permits is considered illegal bootlegging.
Bandit takes the bet, agreeing to move 400 cases of Coors from Texas to Georgia within 28 hours. He runs blocker car in a badass Trans-Am, while his buddy, Cledus (Jerry Reed) drives the rig full of beer with his hound dog Fred in the passenger seat.
Along the way, Bandit picks-up hitchhiker Carrie (Sally Field), and this infuriates Texas Sheriff Buford T. Justice (Jackie Gleason aka the Smokey) as Carrie was about to marry his son until she got cold feet and ran.
It’s obvious that Gleason loved playing this character. Outside of playing bus driver Ralph on “The Honeymooners” this role is the one other role that he’ll be remembered for. Buford’s character essentially invented the movie stereotype of the fat Southern Sheriff who thinks a little too highly of himself and lives to persecute unsuspecting motorists….except in this instance, Bandit probably deserves it yet you root for him anyway.
The movie is essentially a series of skits and stunts strung together as drivers throughout the country get on their CB radios to cheer Bandit on and pull of schemes to get in Justice’s way so its smooth sailing for Bandit. There’s one cool scene in which a series of rigs coordinate to hide Bandit from the Smokey.
Anyway…it’s cool. It’s funny. And Burt was allowed to play Bandit as a man…a manly man…a dude who likes beer and fast cars and he doesn’t get the girl by crying or being a metrosexual or sharing his feelings. He gets her by being a manly mustache wearing stud who occasionally offers a witty remark or funny one liner.
God, I hope Hollywood never remakes this. They’ll probably make a female Bandit or something.
Hey 3.5 readers. Do me a favor. If any of you are in Detroit, MOVE ok?
BQB here with a review of “White Boy Rick.”
Based on a true story, it’s the 1980s and Rick Wershe Sr. (Matthew McConaughey) is a small time gun runner, doing illicit arms sales on the sly in the hopes of raising enough money to pull his family out of poverty. His wife has left him. His son, Rick Jr. (Richie Merritt) is going nowhere and his daughter, Dawn (Bel Powley) is a junkie. Oh, and his parents (Piper Laurie and Bruce Dern) live next door and pull no punches in letting Rick know how disappointed they are in him.
Blah, blah, blah, I won’t give away too much but suffice to say that Rick Sr.’s petty dabbling in crooked schemes gives his 15 year old son a taste for the criminal underworld. Alas, Rick Jr. is a better crook than his old man ever could be and is quickly welcomed into a black gang who affectionately dub their new recruit as “White Boy Rick.”
Yadda, yadda, yadda. Chaos ensues. The FBI (Jennifer Jason Leigh in a potential comeback role) sets up Rick with the “product” he needs to get in deep and become a major player, allowing him to keep his profits while he informs on kingpins.
After awhile, it all gets confusing and it is hard to keep track of who is playing who. Rick Jr. is portrayed well by Merritt, who plays the character as a dope who doesn’t really understand the gravity of the situation he’s in and sort of just lucks his way into a life of crime, “luck” being a dubious word as the money is nice for awhile until the luck runs out and the shit hits the fan as it always does.
McConaughey turns in a great performance as Rick Sr. who truly loves his kids but…maybe it’s out of desperation, maybe out of stupidity, maybe out of a need to be somebody, goes along with Rick Jr.’s schemes and is tortured as to what is right and wrong. Is it right to stand by while his son gets deeper into a life of crime? Is it right to try to make him stop when all he has to offer is a life of poverty?
SPOILER: There’s a scene where Matthew really exercises his acting chops, caring for his daughter while she’s coming down off of drugs. She screams at him. Curses him. Fights him. Pukes all over. Matthew just takes it with the face of a father showing his kid unconditional love. Now that’s acting.
I have mixed feelings because while Rick Sr. and Jr. are portrayed as poor folk who fall prey to lack of economic opportunity, desperation to get ahead, and being duped by the criminal justice system. In many ways I feel for them because yeah, holy shit, it’s tough out there and perhaps Rick got a raw deal given that, according to this movie, the Feds basically pushed the kid into a life of crime and if they hadn’t he probably would have just been a regular poor teen staring at the ceiling of his bedroom.
On the other hand, you know, they did sell guns and drugs and in doing so most likely got a lot of people hurt…I don’t know. It’s not up to me to moralize. Overall, a good film, good story….interesting subtext that White Boy Rick is instantly taken in not just by a black gang, loved and treated as one of their. Not exactly sure this was Dr. King’s dream when he said he wanted black and white people to come together in peace and harmony but hey, it’s a movie.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Didn’t really get what Rick’s stoner accent was all about. Possible Oscar bait. Matthew’s already got one but he really brought the “I just don’t want my kids to think I’m a loser dad anymore” game. Bruce has got one too and although he’s not in it for long, he does steal a few scenes as the irate grampa trying to teach his son and grandson a thing or two.
“What I wouldn’t have given to smell his finger.” – Noted Blogger Bookshelf Q. Battler on the crushing loss of the notorious ladies’ man, Burt Reynolds.
Hey 3.5 readers.
As all 3.5 of you know, I am in a funk most of the time. But one of the things that legitimately has me bummed lately is the death of noted tough guy actor and legendary poonsmith Burt Reynolds, tragically dead too young at the age of 81. Oh, what more great movies he could have made. Oh, what more foxy ladies he could have pleasured. Why God, why? Surely he deserved to live to be 100.
Now, I don’t know the exact figures, but here are some rough estimates of some BR related figures:
Number of Ladies He Pleasured: 9,091 (that’s just with his mustache when he gave free stache rides. Most mathematicians are in agreement that the amount of vag he got busy with is incalculable by modern metrics.)
Number of Honest to God Legit Roles That Could Have Gotten Him An Oscar That He Turned Down to Do More Car Race Movies – 10,025. Well, probably not that many. OK, that’s a little high. I only know of one. He turned down the Jack Nicholson role to do “Stroker Ace” about a NASCAR driver and Jack went on to win the Oscar but damn it, Burt loved him some car chase movies.
Number of Car Chase Movies He Made – Roughly 40 million.
Anyway, like most artists, you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone and damn it, Burt was a macho, manly son of a bitch that you just don’t see around anymore, thank you, feminists. Thanks a lot. Shit. I’m going to grow out a feather duster on my lip right now in protest of Amazonian masterhood.
Whenever I get a chance, I’m going to wow you with some Burt posts and when I have some free time to relax, I’m going to watch some of Burt’s greatest hits and review them for you, because, and listen men, I really men this, we have got to get our balls out of the mason jars that the womenfolk have put them in and be manly men again.
Do you have a favorite Burt movie? Discuss in the comments.
Bookshelf Battle 
