Tag Archives: ninja

In Case You Missed It…Is Your Girlfriend a Ninja?

Lady ninjas.  They’re everywhere and men, they’re probably in your sex life.  Sure, your girlfriend pretends that she works in some normal occupation by day but rest assured, she’s a ninja by night.

Not convinced?  From April 2016, here’s a list of warning signs to look out for.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja

Female-Ninja-Silhouette-800px Ninjutsu.  The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.

If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.

But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:

10.  Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move.  Don’t worry.  That’s just ninja foreplay.

9.  You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher.  It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.

8.  Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around, then disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  You’re left confused yet strangely satisfied and in need of a cigarette.

7.  You wish she could be like most women and leave your “Honey-Do” list of chores on the kitchen table.  Instead, you’ve grown accustomed to walking down the hall, minding your own business, only to have a damn throwing knife sail past your eyes.  It ends up pinned to the wall with a note attached that reads, “Take out the trash.  You forgot to last week and it is starting to stink.  Also be a lamb and get my dry cleaning.”

6.  She wins every argument by shooting you in the neck with a blow dart.

5.  Her closet has more black outfits hanging in it than Johnny Cash ever owned.

4.  As a joke, you told her that her butt looks big in those black pants.  As her foot connected to your face in a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, you realized this joke was ill advised.

3.  She runs up the sides of buildings.  You get winded running a mile down the road.

2.  Brings her katana blade on every date.  Refuses to explain why.  You try your best to make small talk but you can still see the handle peaking over her shoulder as it sits in the sheath strapped to her back.

  1. She offered to neutralize your enemies.  You explain to her that you’re a peacenik and not really big on “neutralization” but thank her anyway.  It’s the thought that counts.
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Movie Review – Chappie – (2015)

Sigh.  I really wanted to like this one.

Director Neil Blomkamp hit a home run his first time at bat with 2009’s District 9, attracting a rare Oscar nomination for a Sci-Fi flick.  Critics weren’t big on his follow-up Elysium with Matt Damon but this blogger thought it was actually pretty decent.

So when I saw previews about a movie starring a bad ass police robot with Hugh Jackman as the villain, I was all like, “Sign me up!”

But after seeing it?  Ugh.  Where do I start?

OK.  If you want no SPOILERS leave now.

“Suck” is a strong word.  It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen and it did have its up moments.  “Suck” is often in the eye of the beholder.  And an ongoing theme of this blog is that I cheer on artists of all kinds in the hopes that said art will find a home in the hearts of people who will appreciate it.

So, I only use the word “suck” in correlation to what I was expected and what I received.

I was expecting an off brand Robo-cop.  What I got was a  robot with a childish brain spending most of the movie waxing philosophically about the meaning of its existence.

I can’t really explain it without digging into the plot, so here goes.

Deion (Dev Patel) is an engineer for a corporation that builds police robots for the South African government.  One day, he develops a program for a true AI, an intelligence that will allow a robot to be able to think like a human (more so, actually).

The CEO, played by Sigourney Weaver, is not interested and orders Deion not to use company equipment to experiment with his AI program.  Odd that the head of a for-profit company would balk at an idea that would revolutionize the robotics industry but, ok.

Against orders, Deion implants his program into a broken down police robot headed for the scrap pile.

Oh, I forgot to mention, he does this after he is kidnapped by Ninja and Yolandi, two gangster criminals who cook up a scheme to kidnap the engineer in the hopes that he can provide them with a remote control they can use to shut the police robots off and commit crimes with reckless abandon.  The gangsters abandon the remote control idea and Ninja wants to use the robot, which they name Chappie, to help with a heist that will be used to repay money owed to an even worse criminal.

Here’s where things start to get odd.  Deion goes along with it and ok…what choice does he have?  They’re criminals with guns and shit.

But then – from time to time, Deion just comes back to the criminals lair to talk to Chappie and help him with his development.

Well ok – Deion has stolen a company owned robot against orders so that’s understandable he doesn’t want to call the cops on Ninja and Yolandi.

But then – Ninja and Yolandi just kind of like, let Deion come and go as he pleases.  I feel like most gangsters probably would have just shot him.

Chappie was born the instant his AI program was switched on so there’s a learning curve.  He’s basically a kid in a robot body and everything in the world is new to him.  There are some funny moments when Ninja teaches him how to swear and act like a gangster but other than that…eh, it’s…I don’t know.  “Eh” is the best word I can use to describe it.

Ok…so its a goofy set up.  It gets better right?  Nah…while there are some good action scenes, a great deal of the film is spent on Chappie learning about morals, the soul, the purpose of being alive, how people should treat one another, and so on.

Maybe that’s good.  Maybe there are people who will enjoy that.  Maybe Sci-Fi should make you think and maybe it doesn’t always have to be mindless special effects.

But me personally? I came into this film expecting a 2 hour bad ass police robot film and instead I got Chappie in bed with Yolandi (who he believes is his mother) reading Ba Ba Black Sheep to him:

Chappie and Yolandi  - Sony Pictures

Chappie and Yolandi – Sony Pictures

Stop reading, Chappie.  I know.  I’m a book blogger.  But seriously, stop reading.  Stop painting.  Stop philosophizing.  Be a badass already.

Fun fact that I didn’t realize until I went home and Googled the film – Ninja and Yolandi are actually two members of the South African rap group Die Antwoord.  I’d never heard of them before, probably because I’m not South African.  Their rap names are actually Ninja and Yolandi and they play fictional versions of themselves in the movie.

After finding that out, I felt like the movie was one big joke that Blomkamp didn’t let me in on because I’m not South African and had never heard of Die Antwoord before.

Imagine if they made a movie where Nicki Minaj and Kanye West became the parents of a robot with a childish brain.  That’d be kind of hilarious.  Had I known who Ninja and Yolandi were prior to going into the movie, I might have found the whole thing a laugh riot (though I’m not sure a comedy was the director’s intent).

Admittedly, I might be broadcasting my lameness since these guys are apparently tearing up the inter webs.

If South African rap interests you, their vids are on youtube.  They’re a bit…well…”out there.”  No offense, I think I’ll stick with good old traditional Ludacris and Fiddy regaling me with tales about their trips to the club, their love of Cristal, spinning rims and so on.

That’s not a knock on Ninja and Yolandi though – they may be the only redeeming part of the movie, if there is one.

In conclusion – I gave it a solid C.  Probably not something you want to rush out to the theater for but you might give it a rental in the hopes that Neil Blomkamp can be encouraged to bring us another project of District 9 proportions.

That grade was hard for me to give.  My regular 3.5 readers know I hate to criticize and there may very well be people who love this movie and I’m glad for them but…meh…I think it is the first bit of media I’ve reviewed thus far that will not find its way on my shelf.

PS:  What constitutes good science fiction is often debated.  Some think that a sci fi flick should just be mindless laser blasting, space opera, and little else.  Am I therefore being one of these people by criticizing Chappie?  I suppose so, though it’s not my intention.  I didn’t like it, but I can see why others might.

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