Lot of talk about Russian spies in the news lately, 3.5 readers. Is your lady an agent for the Kremlin?
Lot of talk about Russian spies in the news lately, 3.5 readers. Is your lady an agent for the Kremlin?
Is your boyfriend always polishing his wand? Does he know how to bring the magic to a relationship?
Most importantly, does he have a long ass gray beard and a pointy star hat?
Well ma’am, I hate to bring you bad news, but you may very well be dating a wizard.
Oh joyous Yuletide. This is the time of year for couples to take a moment to let each other know how they truly feel about one another.
But men, no matter how loudly your girlfriend may shout her lack of interest in material possessions, if you leave a junky gift under her tree on Christmas Eve, then your tree will be incredibly lonely in the new year.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas:
#10 – Blender, Mixer, Iron, Washing Machine, Other Household Appliances
Hmm. A dilly of a pickle here. If she’s actually expressed an interest in a particular appliance, then go for it but only, ONLY if you also get her something else awesome in addition to said appliance.
WOMAN: I love to bake! Baking is my life! I wish I had an electric mixer so I could make more cookies!
MAN: Here’s a mixer…
WOMAN: I hate you!
MAN: And a pair of ridiculously expensive earrings!
WOMAN: I don’t hate you as much now!
WOMAN: I never bake. What the hell is this mixer for? Are you trying to imply I should be a subservient kitchen slave, that my only purpose in life is to bake cookies to shove into your hideous, misogynistic caveman suckhole?!
MAN: Um, it was shiny and on sale?
WOMAN: Sleep on the floor forever!
Remember, in either case, and especially in the latter case, the household appliance should not be THE ONLY gift.
Come to think of it, even in the case where she REALLY wants that mixer (i.e. cooking/baking is her life and she keeps Rachel Ray on her DVR), you might want to wait until January just in case. Make it look like you were just being thoughtful and it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Actually, you know what, just get her a bag of diamonds and a pony and a tiara and then if she really wants you to get her a household appliance of any kind, tell her that she’s going to have to submit that request in the form of a signed, notarized in triplicate letter. Two impartial witnesses of upstanding moral character will also be required to confirm in a video that she asked for a household appliance.
#9 – That Damn Tub of Three Flavored Popcorn
It’s the ultimate gift you get when you get invited to a party held by someone you sort of like, but don’t really.
You know, I’m talking about that guy who you’re like, “Eh I’ve known him a long time so I don’t want to skip his Christmas party but if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow I’m not taking a day off for his funeral.”
Stores put these addictive snack canisters right out front over the holidays because they’re cheap and allow you to say that you cared enough to bring something to the party.
And yes, you did bring something to the party…THE GODDAMN HARBINGER OF THE EBOLA VIRUS!
People love popcorn. Especially the cheese corn. Or the caramel corn. Or maybe you’re a buttery traditionalist. Either way, by the end of that party, a minimum of five hundred and ninety seven hands are going to be shoved deep inside the bowels of that tub.
Statistically speaking, it will be highly unlikely that any of those hands will be washed, thus that three flavored tub of popcorn with Santa’s face on it will turn into a petri dish filled to the brim with bacteria, germs and contagion.
Bottomline – you don’t want to bring this tub to your worst enemy’s home, let alone your girlfriend’s humble abode. Also, since those tubs usually don’t cost more than five bucks if that, your babe is going to think you are a big time cheapskate (as soon as she’s done being treated for popcorn induced Ebola virus).
#8 – Gift Cards
Yeah, I get it. You realized this is all just one big giant mind game, so you flipped over the board, scattered the pieces all over the room and decided not to play anymore.
“Here babe. I pay just enough attention to know what your favorite stores are but not enough to know what you’d want.”
Essentially, this is borderline treating your gal like a prostitute. “Here’s a down payment on another year’s worth of nookie.”
I’ll just throw it out there though. If you are confident that the gift you actually put time and effort into selecting will pass muster, than tossing in a gift card might sweeten the pot enough that she might (I stress might) forgive you if the actual gift you got turns out to be all wrong.
(SPOILER ALERT: Your gift will no doubt be wrong no matter what).
At any rate, like that mixer you got your baker girlfriend, a gift card can’t be the only gift.
#7 – Perfume
This is a real roll of the dice. If she’s always raving about a fancy perfume, you might get her a bottle…but know how your girlfriend’s mind works (I know, that’s like asking a man to know how the atom is split or how the universe came into being, but give it your best guess).
Imagine yourself giving your girlfriend the perfume. If you honestly can’t imagine her taking this gift as a sign that you think she stinks like a back alley dumpster, then go ahead and get her that trendy bottle of Eau du Ooo la la.
Otherwise, you might want to just skip out on this one.
#6 – Fitness Equipment
Exercise bikes. Treadmills. Weights. Elliptical machines. Even if she is a fitness nut and a professional athlete, she’ll beat you within an inch of your life if she comes downstairs to find a gift shaped like a paper wrapped stationary bike under the tree.
Seriously dude. You might as well just hand her a card that reads, “I think you are a big fatty fat fatty so lose some weight or my magnificent junk and I are taking our business elsewhere, fatty.”
MEN: But BQB, she actually asked me for an exercise bike. She feels this would help her with her regular fitness routine. She’s even made a point of printing out information about her top bike choices for my perusal.
And I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you for a song, you big league sucker!
Do not buy your girlfriend fitness equipment, even with a signed, notarized in triplicate request letter, and even if she holds a gun to your head unless you want to be dumped like yesterday’s trash.
MEN: But BQB, if I don’t get her the exercise bike she asked for, she complain about it on Christmas.
“Honey, this diamond encrusted necklace is lovely but you forgot my exercise bike.”
Yes, she might hit you with that, but in that case, just tell her that you are an idiotic dumb ass man and all the various bells and whistles on the bikes were much too confusing so you got her a diamond encrusted necklace instead but you plan to take her to the bike store at her convenience so she can select her favorite one.
Why will you take this approach? Because you’ll never win with fitness equipment, even with specifically asked for fitness equipment, but you also won’t win by pointing out that she’d be mad about getting fitness equipment because (follow me here) in the moment when she does not get fitness equipment, she doesn’t realize she’d be mad if she got it. She would only actually get mad if she got it. Since she didn’t get it, she just assumes you are a buffoon that didn’t listen to her.
You’re not getting out of this without some kind of black mark on your boyfriend record, but trust me, “buffoon” is better than the beating you’ll take after all her girlfriends work her up when they have a cry-in session and burn effigies of you while they take turns cursing your name and your decision to buy her fitness equipment for Christmas.
But if she doesn’t bring it up, you don’t bring it up. (Just throwing it out there. That’s good advice on literally everything that will ever happen throughout your entire relationship).
#5 – Framed Photos of the Two of You
Adorable and says you really love the idea of the two of you together, but it can’t be the only gift. If you decide to get this as one of many gifts in order to show you’re a romantic or something, be sure to pick a photo of her that she likes. She must have said no less than three times that she likes the photo in question before having it printed and framed.
#4 – Electronic Equipment of Any Kind
Women don’t give a shit about giant TVs and HD TVs and HDMI cables and Xboxes and so on. (Well, my Video Game Rack Fighter does but she’s a rarity).
She will instantly see this for what it is…a gift for you.
#3 – Gifts That Are Really For You
Yes, it would be awesome to be the proud owner of an ATV or a jet ski or one of those frigging jet packs that you can take to a lake and user water to fly, but if you see yourself using it more than she will, then it is a gift for you and she will see through this.
Lingerie will also be considered a gift for you. Unless she’s a Cinemax actress (that joke worked better in the 1990s) she probably doesn’t walk around in lingerie all day or think that putting on a skimpy outfit that involves 900 straps and snaps is particularly comfortable and/or a benefit to her wardrobe.
#2 – Animals
Personally, I’ve noticed a lot of women like animals. Cats. Dogs. I’ve met a lot of women who are really into enormous, two-hundred pound dogs and whenever I meet such women I want to dress up like Dr. Freud and sit them down on my couch and get them to admit that they are really into enormous dogs because they see gigantic dogs as obedient men they can love and punish at will and on their own timetable.
Hmm. That theory actually deserves a post on its own. At any rate, don’t get your woman a pet.
First, maybe she doesn’t like pets. If you give a person who doesn’t like pets a pet, they’re going to think, “Well, why don’t you just take a giant dump on every square inch of my home and save me the trouble.”
I mean, if she really, really, really wants a pet then you could get her a pet but again, you’re going to need the notarized request letter. Otherwise, when the pet inevitably turns out to be a crazed, psychopathic furniture humping rug pooping nightmare beast, she will go on and on about “your brilliant idea” to buy a pet and all those times when she made googly eyes at that proverbial puppy in the window will be long forgotten.
In either case, whether she’s a pet lover or a pet hater, whether the pet was her idea or yours, you will be the asshole walking that furry little pooping machine at 3 a.m. in the middle of a rain storm so…just keep that shit in mind before you get that pet.
#1 – Jewelry, Flowers, or Anything, Really
You’d think jewelry or anything traditionally girly would be a safe bet but even this will most likely be frowned upon. It might be your safest bet, but she’ll just view you as lacking imagination.
Come to think of it, that brings me to…
BONUS SECTION: THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN WIN
Yup. There’s no way to win here.
Men are simple, logical creatures. Want to make us happy? Bake us a cookie and touch our disgusting nether regions once in a blue moon and we’ll be happy.
Sure, some of us like to rant and rave about how if only our current girlfriends weren’t holding us back, we could be with women who would bake us cookies and touch our disgusting nether regions 24/7 but literally only ten men in the entire world are handsome and/or wealthy and/or intelligent enough to actually make that shit happen in real life.
The rest of us have just given in to the grim reality that if we take enough abuse for long enough, our women might let us get a pity boob honk in once per presidential administration.
THE AVERAGE MALE EXPERIENCE:
1996: Bill Clinton – “I feel your pain.”
HUSBAND: Can we uh…
WIFE: (ROLLS EYES): Ugh, I guess so.
2000 – George W. Bush – “Strategery!”
HUSBAND: Think it might be time to uh…
WIFE: Ugh, just get it over with.
2004: George W. Bush – “Mission Accomplished!”
HUSBAND: Babe, isn’t it time to…
WIFE: Yeah, yeah just keep the light on so I can read my book.
2008: Barack Obama – “Hope and Change.”
HUSBAND: I hope to change that uh…
WIFE: Yeah, whatever.
2012: Barack Obama – “Look, here’s the deal.”
HUSBAND: Look, here’s my…
2016: Donald J. Trump – “Grab her by the…”
HUSBAND: What say I grab that…
WIFE: You’ve grabbed enough for twenty years, pervert!
At any rate, women are mysterious. They have no idea what they want but they feel you should. You can’t get them nothing. You have to get them something.
But just keep in mind that whatever you get will be wrong.
Get her a house? The shutters are the wrong color.
Get her a car? She wanted a different one.
Get her an island? She wanted an archipelago.
Damn women and their love of archipelagoes.
The point is that if you at least avoid the obvious pitfalls like fitness equipment, kitchen equipment and tubs of popcorn, then you have a small (very small) chance of preventing Christmas from turning into World War III.
Just do what I do every year. I just lie down under the tree and curl myself up into the fetal position and when Video Game Rack Fighter comes downstairs, I throw my wallet at her and shout, “Please! Please! Just get yourself something and free my mind from this virtual hell!”
It totally works…to an extent. Like I said, perfection is impossible and therefore should not be your goal. Just try to do as little damage to your ability to get your disgusting nether regions touched once every four years.
Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!
3.5 readers, do you have any ideas on what to get a woman for Christmas? Discuss in the comments.
In case you missed it, 3.5 readers, or in case you are worried that your girlfriend might be a zombie.
Oh, who am I kidding?
If you’re reading this blog you don’t have a girlfriend (Womp womp womp womp waaa).
Yes, your girlfriend is quite fetching.
One might even say if looks could kill…well, hold that thought.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Assassin.
10. Constantly wears a fully body leather cat suit everywhere, at all times…EXCEPT…when you want her to. When you want her to she just throws on those dumpy old smelly sweat pants you wish she’d throw away. Women.
9. All of her seemingly minor faux pas may in fact be attempts to assassinate you:
8. She has a closet full of sniper rifles and is constantly taking them apart and putting them back together. Always try to stay close to her…for at a long distance, she might assassinate you…through snipery!
7. You asked her if she is an assassin and she said no. She lies! Open your eyes, man! Of course an assassin wouldn’t openly admit to being an assassin.
6. Constantly striking poses that accentuate her assets while holding guns, knives, and other weapons. She puts the “ass” in assassin, that’s for sure.
5. Are you an important person? If so, she might be trying to get close to you in order to assassinate you. If not, then she still might kill you, but that would only be murder. Only rich, famous and powerful people get assassinated. Seriously, get your head out of the clouds and accept the fact that you’re not good enough to be assassinated.
4. You don’t really have a good story about how you met your girlfriend. It wasn’t at a park while you were both walking your dogs, or at the grocery store when you both reached for the last box of Captain Crunch and instantly bonded. Nope. She showed up in your bedroom one day with a bomb after one of your enemies put your photo and $100,000 in her secret drop box. Why are you so oblivious? Love is blinding you. Of course your girlfriend is an assassin if she has bombs and secret drop boxes!
3. She’s always sneaking up on you…but instead of giving you hugs…she tries to strangle you with garrote wire. Don’t buy her nonsense that this is just some kinky sex thing. She’s an assassin!
2. Your face is always sore when you wake up. Did you forget to rest your head on your pillow? Maybe…or maybe…your girlfriend was roundhouse kicking you in the face all night…because she is (wait for it) an assassin!
EDITORIAL NOTE: Because we live in a stupid world filled with big dummies, Attorney Donnelly advises me to state to you that this post is just humorous fun and in reality it is highly unlikely your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you. However, should you develop a reasonable belief that your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you, do not confront her about the situation directly. Rather, report the matter to the police or your nearest government authority in charge of disrupting the activities of assassins.
Don’t live your life based on jokes made on a dumb blog for 3.5 readers, weirdos.
Vampir. Children of the night. Demonic bloodsuckers.
Call them what you will but if your girlfriend is one of them, she might just call you lunch…and not in a good way.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs that Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire.
10. She’s the only girl you’ve ever dated who doesn’t spend a lot of time primping in front of the mirror.
9. Awkwardly works the word “bleah” into regular conversation.
8. Hypnotizes you through glamour techniques to get you to do her bidding. (This could be inconclusive as most women do this anyway.)
7. She totally sucks. Insert joke here.
6. You often wake up feeling woozy with two small holes in your neck. Calling her on it will do nothing as she’ll just shrug her shoulders, channel Shaggy and say “wasn’t me.”
5. Always has an excuse to get out of dates planned during the day. Long walks in the park or on the beach are out. Dive bars and rave clubs are in.
4. Seems a little too old mentally for her physical age. Swears she’s only twenty-five but get her drunk and she’ll tell you all about the dark ages.
3. Sometimes she seems a little cold. No, not emotionally cold. Whenever you hold her hand it’s like a damn popsicle.
2. Sleeps in a coffin. Swears its just because she’s a goth but you’re not convinced.
Well that was a short retirement.
What brought me back so quickly?
Was it the early dinners? Hell no. I love to eat at four p.m.
Was it the retiree fashions? Absolutely not. I walk around with my pants pulled up to my chin most of the time anyway.
It was you. My 3.5 readers.
You guys probably thought yesterday’s big announcement was an April Fool’s Day prank.
Had I wanted to make an April Fools Day joke I would have just announced that I’m pregnant, or gay, or gay and pregnant like every other mouth breathing nincompoop on my Facebook feed.
Nope. I was for real. I was calling it quits and taking myself out of the blogging game. It’s becoming too much of a rat race. All wheel and no cheese.
Plus, there’s a guy with a new blog in which he claims to be the caretaker of a magic musical CD carrying case, who fights vampires and chupacabras, and is best friends with a troll. Did I mention he is trying to become a writer in order to stave off an invasion from underground mole people?
Who can compete with that shit? Derivative much?
But my hits yesterday were much higher than usual. 104 visitors to be exact. While I come close often, I rarely break the 100 barrier so color me excited.
Write your heart out on a zombie cowboy novel? People shrug their shoulders. Whip out a few top ten lists about wacky girlfriends and people set their mouses (mice?) on fire with the clicketty clicks.
Fear not. The Zombie Western shall continue. But you’ve now also encouraged me to write more wacky girlfriend top ten lists so tell me, what else are you dudes worried that your girlfriend might be?
Ladies, get in the act. Your boyfriend could also something awful…more so than he obviously is now.
Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.
Let’s face it. For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.
Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:
10. You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.” Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.” This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”
9. You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.
8. She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked, opens up the freezer and then just stands there taking in the cold blast. You could question her about this, but she’ll just give you some bullshit excuse about it being some kind of weird sex fetish. In actuality, she does this because it reminds her of summertime in her native Siberia.
7. She can’t name a single player on the local baseball team. (Note for this to work you need to not be a nerd who doesn’t know a single player on your local baseball team.)
6. She has difficulty fitting in during social gatherings. You and your friends always want to talk about movies, music and popular culture whereas she just keeps randomly blurting out stuff like, “Religion is the opiate of the masses!” and “When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use!”
5. Ever since she got a look at your fully stocked bathroom she’s been willing to do horrible, unspeakable things in the boudoir in exchange for a roll of two-ply. “Pass the Charmin” has taken on an entirely new meaning.
4. You have compared notes with your male friends. When their girlfriends get mad at them, they get a lecture or the cold shoulder. When your girlfriend gets mad at you, she slams her shoe down on the counter and shouts, “We will bury you!”
3. Whenever you ask her where she wants to go on your next date, she invariably replies, “the Pentagon” then asks if you know whether or not they allow flash photography.
2. She regularly asks if that is a hammer or a sickle in your pants or are you just happy to see her.