Tag Archives: novels

Literary Quotes – Catch-22 – Joseph Heller

“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

“That’s some catch, that Catch-22,” he observed.

“It’s the best there is,” Doc Daneeka agreed.

– Joseph Heller, Catch-22

Catch-22 is one of my favorite novels.  If I had to think about it, it might even be my number one favorite of all time.

Few writers are able to say they coined a phrase.  Joseph Heller did.  “Catch-22” has become shorthand for “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

As in the WWII pilots in this novel found out – if you’re sane, you have to fly.  Yet, to not want to fly a dangerous mission…in an airplane…high above the Earth…being shot at by the enemy….and you could easily be shot out of the sky and die at any second….to NOT want to fly such a mission is the sanest thing you could ever do.  Alas, if you’re sane, you’re cleared for take off.  But if you’re insane, well, of course insane people who actually want to be in dangerous combat aren’t going to be turned down.

Heller was able to weave humor with serious topics and create a novel that was both light hearted and rough at the same time.

 

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Nicholas Sparks Divorce

The Master of the Romance Novel is getting a divorce.  Naturally, the Twittasphere is aghast, with tasteless comments about the irony of a romance writer’s marriage falling apart.  Hell, even this jerk face felt the need to say something snarky:

Personally, I say we give the guy a break.  I hate to break it to people, but here goes:

Authors make up stuff for a living.

The real world is never as perfect as the fantasy worlds that an author can create.  In a make believe world, dudes climb up the sides of Ferris Wheels to impress their lady loves.  In the real world, yours truly would not climb up the side of a Ferris Wheel, even if the trifecta of Scarlett Johannson, Charlize Theron, and Katy Perry where waiting for me.  I’d totally climb a Merry-Go-Round for them but a Ferris Wheel?  Fahgeddabout it.

In fact, here’s an early draft of The Notebook where I was originally considered for Gosling’s part:

RACHEL MCADAMS:  Climb up this Ferris Wheel to see me, my love!

ME:  Um, no thank you.

RACHEL MCADAMS:  But it will be a great expression of your love for me!

ME:  That looks pretty high.  I can love you just as well from down here.

RACHEL MCADAMS:  If I hook up with another man, will you pine half your life away for me until I see your picture in the newspaper and find you again?

ME:  Um…Jesus, that sounds like a lot of work.  No, no, probably not.  You’re cool and all, but you know…other fish in the sea and everything.

See?  Real life is never as good as the fantasy that an author can create.  And we WANT those authors to create fantasy worlds to distract us from the drab realties of the world.

So before people gang up on Sparks, consider the following:

1)  George Lucas is not really a Jedi.

2)  Stephanie Meyer and Anne Rice are not vampires.

3)  John Grisham has never been an attorney in the wrong place at the wrong time who accidentally discovers the wrong file and now all the bad guys are chasing him.

4)  Michael Crichton never made a dinosaur.

5)  Shakespeare was never the Prince of Denmark.

6)  Suzanne Collins never fought in a futuristic, no-holds barred kid vs. kid reality show.

7)  Hugh Howey doesn’t live in an underground silo.

8) Steven King never went insane while working as the Winter caretaker of a haunted inn.

9) Charles Dickens was never visited by three Christmas ghosts.

10)  Pierce Brown has never lived on Mars.

11)  James Patterson has never been an African American Detective

12)  George RR Martin is not a knight in an enchanted land of magic and wonder

13)  Orson Scott Card has never fought an intergalactic race of bug aliens

14)  Thomas Harris is not a cannibal

15)  Ray Bradbury was not a Martian.

So honestly, folks – if writers have to limit their writing to things they have done, then we won’t have much to read, will we?

Sure, there’s plenty of irony and room to make jokes, but when I see the comments people are making like “I can’t trust his romance novels again” etc. – I mean, come on…the guy just lost his marriage, people, you don’t need to attack his career too.

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“To a Lady Who Said It Was Sinful to Read Novels” – Christian Milne

Just a quick post today.  The gist?  Reading a novel isn’t a waste of time, because more than likely, the reader would just do something more ill-advised anyway:

TO A LADY WHO SAID IT WAS SINFUL TO READ NOVELS

BY:  CHRISTIAN MILNE

To love these books, and harmless tea,
Has always been my foible,
Yet will I ne’er forgetful be
To read my Psalms and Bible.

Travels I like, and history too,
Or entertaining fiction;
Novels and plays I’d have a few,
If sense and proper diction.

I love a natural harmless song,
But I cannot sing like Handel;
Deprived of such resource, the tongue
Is sure employed — in scandal.

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Frozen NaNoWriMo

I edited my work last night.  Stop judging me.  I realized I had made an error that if left unfixed it would have been pointless to press forward.

“That’s what everybody does!  Just write anyway!”

I know.  But the error was such that anything written beyond said error would have become meaningless jibber jabber.

“It all starts out as meaningless jibber jabber!”

I know.

Anyway, here are my tweets of the NanoWriMo Edition of “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?”

And here is “Let it Go” – NanoWriMo Edition:

I know.  I know.  I’ve spent the past year wishing these songs would go away and now I’ve made a small contribution towards keeping them going.  I am a hypocrite.

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National Novel Writing Month – or #NanoWriMo

Are you participating in National Novel Writing Month?

If you’ve never heard of it, the two-cent summary is that it is a challenge to write a novel of at least 50,000 words by the end of November.  It doesn’t have to be a good one.  The end result does not even have to make sense.  Don’t bother editing.  Participants will be quick to remind you to write first, edit later.

Write first, edit later?  Seriously?  “That novel will be a bunch of garbledeegook!” you might say.  And you would not be wrong for saying that.  The thing to remember about NanoWriMo is – every novel starts out as a pile of garbledeegook.

Take any classic novel, film, TV episode, whatever.  They all started out in the brain of a writer and said writer had to mix the thoughts around in his brain for awhile before he got things right.  Consider these recently discovered entries from Shakespeare’s personal notebook:

DAY 1 – The title of my next play?  Romeo and Hildegard!  Two lovers who meet, fall in love, enjoy a delightful wedding ceremony, and take part in many years of bliss all the while their respective familes go out of their way to display their acceptance of the situation.

DAY 2 – What was I thinking who would pay 2 shillings to watch such tripe!  I must think of a way to liven things up!

DAY 3 – Romeo and Hildegard?  Hildegard?  Really?  I have to think of a new name for the female lead.  Jessica? Janet?

DAY 4 – Romeo and Juliet!  They meet!  They fall in love!  Their families despise one another and they send Romeo and Juliet a sternly worded letter that they disapprove of their union!  The End!

DAY 5 – Rubbish, Shakespeare.  Rubbish.  Quit writing and get a job at your father’s used horse dealership while you still can.

DAY 6 – Romeo and Juliet!  Their families are the Montagues and the Capulets and they have a longstanding feud!  Perhaps representatives of the respective families engage in quarrelsome activities that doom the lovers’ union!

DAY 7 – Mercutio gets run over by a horse.  No, he gets brained with a frying pan.  No!  Stabbed by Tybalt!  And his dying words are, “I am very offended to have been stabbed!”

DAY 8 – No, he says, “A Plague on both your houses!”  Yes, thus illustrating how petty feuds often pull unsuspecting bystanders into the fray.

DAY 9 – Romeo and Juliet run away from Verona.  They live till a ripe old age and have many babies.

DAY 10 – No, we must have a sad ending.  Romeo and Juliet attempt to sneak out of Verona.  However, the city is protected by a mighty dragon who eats Romeo.  Distressed, Juliet’s rage gives her magical powers that she uses to burn Verona to the ground.

DAY 11 – Preposterous!  Wait, I’ve got it!  Juliet attempts to get away from her family by taking a drug that makes her look dead but actually only causes her to go into a deep sleep for 2 days.  She sends a message to Romeo to meet her at the tomb.  Romeo fails to receive the message due to the incompetence of the Verona Postal Service.

DAY 12 – Romeo meets her at the tomb.  The drug has turned Juliet into a zombie.  She feasts on Romeo’s brains.

DAY 13 – Juliet wakes up.  Romeo is overjoyed.  They run away, live a long, happy life and have many babies.

DAY 14 – Not sad enough.  At the end of their long happy life together, an underlying residual effect of the drug turns Juliet into a zombie.  Now Romeo has his brains eaten.

DAY 15 – That’s too outlandish.  Romeo gets to the tomb.  Paris is there.  He thinks Juliet is dead and mourns her.  Romeo makes a move to stab Paris.  Paris, positioned just in front of Juliet, dodges to one side to avoid the oncoming sword.  At that moment, Juliet sits up, stretches and yawns and says, “Oh wow, I can’t believe I slept that long!  Oh hey Romeo!  ACK!  Why did you stab me?”

DAY 16 – Romeo then stabs himself because he is distraught over stabbing Juliet by accident.

DAY 17 – OK I like the idea that the lovers kill themselves at the end, but this part where Romeo stabs Juliet by accident is ridiculous.

DAY 18 – Alright, check this out.  Juliet is sleeping in her tomb.  Romeo goes to see her, unaware that she is sleeping, he thinks she is actually dead.  He confronts Paris, kills him, then distraught over Juliet’s apparent death, drinks poison.  Juliet wakes up, sees Romeo dead, gets so upset that she stabs herself with a dagger.  Cut.  Print.

DAY 19 – It still needs a little flourish at the end.  Howsabout this?  The Prince and represenatives of the families come to the tomb, see all the bodies, and says, “You know guys, this is some ridiculous bullshit.  Y’all f’d up royally with this one.”  The End.

DAY 20 – I’ve got it!  The Prince says, “For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.”  Done!  Time for chili cheese fries!”

Yes, readers.  Those are the exact, unaltered entries in Shakespeare’s personal notebook.  I am surprised as you are that they had chili cheese fries in his day.

OK, so maybe I made this whole thing up.  The point is that sometimes writers get so bogged down in criticizing themselves that they never write anything.  Meanwhile, those who actually begin the writing with lesser ideas in place eventually find a way to rework those ideas and build them into something better.

So to all you NanoWriMo Participants out there, good luck!  And as a shameless plug for this writer’s work:  check out bookshelfbattle.com and follow @bookshelfbattle on twitter!

(C) Bookshelfbattle.com  – All rights reserved

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Author Douglas Adams on Elections and Voting

Happy Election Day!

We here at bookshelfbattle.com (and by “we” I haven’t decided whether I am referring to the royal “we” or to the mouse in my pocket) are non-political.  Whether you are Republican, Democrat, Independent, or if you belong to one of those odd parties that believes we should turn the government over to space aliens and/or robots, all we want to do is to discuss something that transcends party lines – the written word.  Also, we want your clicks – your sweet, sweet web page clicks.  So while you’re already here, don’t be a slacker – click on an extra button or two.

Have you ever read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams?  It is by far one of the funniest novels ever written, and it is a fairly short and easy read, so there’s no excuse to not check it out.  Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself for not reading it already.  Go read it.  I won’t bother to get into the plot because I intend to have a review of this book coming soon.

Adams wrote a number of sequels set in the Hitchhiker universe.  Here’s a quote from one of them that provides some proverbial food for thought:

“The major problem-one of the major problems, for there are several – one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather who manages to get people to let them do it to them.  To summarize:  it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.  To summarize the summary:  anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”  – Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

Of course, Adams was discussing the intergalactic politics of his fictional universe, but it still applies to today’s politics.  In my opinion, today’s political contests have basically become glorified beauty contests where the person who talks the fastest, promises the most, or looks the best wins.  Abraham Lincoln would never win an election today because the media would be all like, “Who cares if he’s the Great Emancipator?  Have you seen his craggy face?!”

Sure, there are many politicians who run because they want to do good deeds and believe their ideas are just and true.  On the other hand, there are a lot of politicians who just want to see their names on signs and get lots of fame and applause.

There are many intelligent people who would be great leaders who shy away from the entire process because their intelligence tells them that they might as well ignore politics altogether rather than get involved and have the media pepper them with questions like, “How many times did you pick your nose in third grade?  Nose-picker Gate!  Film at Eleven!”

In conclusion, whether you are a Republican, Democrat, Independent, or Friends of the Space Aliens Party – enjoy watching tonight’s election results.  May the candidates that suit your personal agendas be victorious and as always, may you crack open a book and share your literary wisdom on bookshelfbattle.com

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Full Text of “The Masque of the Red Death” by Edgar Allan Poe

Bookshelfbattle.com ‘s Halloween Literature Extravaganza continues with the Full Text of Edgar Allan Poe’s 1842 short story – “The Masque of the Red Death” below.

When I have more time, I hope to provide some analysis of this, The Tell-Tale Heart and of course, The Raven.  Seeing that West Africa is currently suffering from an Ebola crisis that has the rest of the world experiencing anxiety, the story below is chillingly apropos.

Bonus points for using “apropos” in a sentence.

THE MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH

BY: EDGAR ALLAN POE

FIRST PUBLISHED – 1842

The “Red Death” had long devastated the country. No pestilence had ever been so fatal, or so hideous. Blood was its Avatar and its seal –the redness and the horror of blood. There were sharp pains, and sudden dizziness, and then profuse bleeding at the pores, with dissolution. The scarlet stains upon the body and especially upon the face of the victim, were the pest ban which shut him out from the aid and from the sympathy of his fellow-men. And the whole seizure, progress and termination of the disease, were the incidents of half an hour.

But the Prince Prospero was happy and dauntless and sagacious. When his dominions were half depopulated, he summoned to his presence a thousand hale and light-hearted friends from among the knights and dames of his court, and with these retired to the deep seclusion of one of his castellated abbeys. This was an extensive and magnificent structure, the creation of the prince’s own eccentric yet august taste. A strong and lofty wall girdled it in. This wall had gates of iron. The courtiers, having entered, brought furnaces and massy hammers and welded the bolts. They resolved to leave means neither of ingress or egress to the sudden impulses of despair or of frenzy from within. The abbey was amply provisioned. With such precautions the courtiers might bid defiance to contagion. The external world could take care of itself. In the meantime it was folly to grieve, or to think. The prince had provided all the appliances of pleasure. There were buffoons, there were improvisatori, there were ballet-dancers, there were musicians, there was Beauty, there was wine. All these and security were within. Without was the “Red Death.”

It was toward the close of the fifth or sixth month of his seclusion, and while the pestilence raged most furiously abroad, that the Prince Prospero entertained his thousand friends at a masked ball of the most unusual magnificence.

It was a voluptuous scene, that masquerade. But first let me tell of the rooms in which it was held. There were seven –an imperial suite. In many palaces, however, such suites form a long and straight vista, while the folding doors slide back nearly to the walls on either hand, so that the view of the whole extent is scarcely impeded. Here the case was very different; as might have been expected from the duke’s love of the bizarre. The apartments were so irregularly disposed that the vision embraced but little more than one at a time. There was a sharp turn at every twenty or thirty yards, and at each turn a novel effect. To the right and left, in the middle of each wall, a tall and narrow Gothic window looked out upon a closed corridor which pursued the windings of the suite. These windows were of stained glass whose color varied in accordance with the prevailing hue of the decorations of the chamber into which it opened. That at the eastern extremity was hung, for example, in blue –and vividly blue were its windows. The second chamber was purple in its ornaments and tapestries, and here the panes were purple. The third was green throughout, and so were the casements. The fourth was furnished and lighted with orange –the fifth with white –the sixth with violet. The seventh apartment was closely shrouded in black velvet tapestries that hung all over the ceiling and down the walls, falling in heavy folds upon a carpet of the same material and hue. But in this chamber only, the color of the windows failed to correspond with the decorations. The panes here were scarlet –a deep blood color. Now in no one of the seven apartments was there any lamp or candelabrum, amid the profusion of golden ornaments that lay scattered to and fro or depended from the roof. There was no light of any kind emanating from lamp or candle within the suite of chambers. But in the corridors that followed the suite, there stood, opposite to each window, a heavy tripod, bearing a brazier of fire that protected its rays through the tinted glass and so glaringly illumined the room. And thus were produced a multitude of gaudy and fantastic appearances. But in the western or black chamber the effect of the fire-light that streamed upon the dark hangings through the blood-tinted panes, was ghastly in the extreme, and produced so wild a look upon the countenances of those who entered, that there were few of the company bold enough to set foot within its precincts at all.

It was in this apartment, also, that there stood against the western wall, a gigantic clock of ebony. Its pendulum swung to and fro with a dull, heavy, monotonous clang; and when the minute-hand made the circuit of the face, and the hour was to be stricken, there came from the brazen lungs of the clock a sound which was clear and loud and deep and exceedingly musical, but of so peculiar a note and emphasis that, at each lapse of an hour, the musicians of the orchestra were constrained to pause, momentarily, in their performance, to hearken to the sound; and thus the waltzers perforce ceased their evolutions; and there was a brief disconcert of the whole gay company; and, while the chimes of the clock yet rang, it was observed that the giddiest grew pale, and the more aged and sedate passed their hands over their brows as if in confused reverie or meditation. But when the echoes had fully ceased, a light laughter at once pervaded the assembly; the musicians looked at each other and smiled as if at their own nervousness and folly, and made whispering vows, each to the other, that the next chiming of the clock should produce in them no similar emotion; and then, after the lapse of sixty minutes, (which embrace three thousand and six hundred seconds of the Time that flies,) there came yet another chiming of the clock, and then were the same disconcert and tremulousness and meditation as before.

But, in spite of these things, it was a gay and magnificent revel. The tastes of the duke were peculiar. He had a fine eye for colors and effects. He disregarded the decora of mere fashion. His plans were bold and fiery, and his conceptions glowed with barbaric lustre. There are some who would have thought him mad. His followers felt that he was not. It was necessary to hear and see and touch him to be sure that he was not.

He had directed, in great part, the movable embellishments of the seven chambers, upon occasion of this great fete; and it was his own guiding taste which had given character to the masqueraders. Be sure they were grotesque. There were much glare and glitter and piquancy and phantasm –much of what has been since seen in “Hernani.” There were arabesque figures with unsuited limbs and appointments. There were delirious fancies such as the madman fashions. There was much of the beautiful, much of the wanton, much of the bizarre, something of the terrible, and not a little of that which might have excited disgust. To and fro in the seven chambers there stalked, in fact, a multitude of dreams. And these –the dreams –writhed in and about, taking hue from the rooms, and causing the wild music of the orchestra to seem as the echo of their steps. And, anon, there strikes the ebony clock which stands in the hall of the velvet. And then, for a moment, all is still, and all is silent save the voice of the clock. The dreams are stiff-frozen as they stand. But the echoes of the chime die away –they have endured but an instant –and a light, half-subdued laughter floats after them as they depart. And now again the music swells, and the dreams live, and writhe to and fro more merrily than ever, taking hue from the many-tinted windows through which stream the rays from the tripods. But to the chamber which lies most westwardly of the seven, there are now none of the maskers who venture; for the night is waning away; and there flows a ruddier light through the blood-colored panes; and the blackness of the sable drapery appals; and to him whose foot falls upon the sable carpet, there comes from the near clock of ebony a muffled peal more solemnly emphatic than any which reaches their ears who indulge in the more remote gaieties of the other apartments.

But these other apartments were densely crowded, and in them beat feverishly the heart of life. And the revel went whirlingly on, until at length there commenced the sounding of midnight upon the clock. And then the music ceased, as I have told; and the evolutions of the waltzers were quieted; and there was an uneasy cessation of all things as before. But now there were twelve strokes to be sounded by the bell of the clock; and thus it happened, perhaps, that more of thought crept, with more of time, into the meditations of the thoughtful among those who revelled. And thus, too, it happened, perhaps, that before the last echoes of the last chime had utterly sunk into silence, there were many individuals in the crowd who had found leisure to become aware of the presence of a masked figure which had arrested the attention of no single individual before. And the rumor of this new presence having spread itself whisperingly around, there arose at length from the whole company a buzz, or murmur, expressive of disapprobation and surprise –then, finally, of terror, of horror, and of disgust.

In an assembly of phantasms such as I have painted, it may well be supposed that no ordinary appearance could have excited such sensation. In truth the masquerade license of the night was nearly unlimited; but the figure in question had out-Heroded Herod, and gone beyond the bounds of even the prince’s indefinite decorum. There are chords in the hearts of the most reckless which cannot be touched without emotion. Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made. The whole company, indeed, seemed now deeply to feel that in the costume and bearing of the stranger neither wit nor propriety existed. The figure was tall and gaunt, and shrouded from head to foot in the habiliments of the grave. The mask which concealed the visage was made so nearly to resemble the countenance of a stiffened corpse that the closest scrutiny must have had difficulty in detecting the cheat. And yet all this might have been endured, if not approved, by the mad revellers around. But the mummer had gone so far as to assume the type of the Red Death. His vesture was dabbled in blood –and his broad brow, with all the features of the face, was besprinkled with the scarlet horror.

When the eyes of Prince Prospero fell upon this spectral image (which with a slow and solemn movement, as if more fully to sustain its role, stalked to and fro among the waltzers) he was seen to be convulsed, in the first moment with a strong shudder either of terror or distaste; but, in the next, his brow reddened with rage.

“Who dares?” he demanded hoarsely of the courtiers who stood near him –“who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? Seize him and unmask him –that we may know whom we have to hang at sunrise, from the battlements!”

It was in the eastern or blue chamber in which stood the Prince Prospero as he uttered these words. They rang throughout the seven rooms loudly and clearly –for the prince was a bold and robust man, and the music had become hushed at the waving of his hand.

It was in the blue room where stood the prince, with a group of pale courtiers by his side. At first, as he spoke, there was a slight rushing movement of this group in the direction of the intruder, who at the moment was also near at hand, and now, with deliberate and stately step, made closer approach to the speaker. But from a certain nameless awe with which the mad assumptions of the mummer had inspired the whole party, there were found none who put forth hand to seize him; so that, unimpeded, he passed within a yard of the prince’s person; and, while the vast assembly, as if with one impulse, shrank from the centres of the rooms to the walls, he made his way uninterruptedly, but with the same solemn and measured step which had distinguished him from the first, through the blue chamber to the purple –through the purple to the green –through the green to the orange –through this again to the white –and even thence to the violet, ere a decided movement had been made to arrest him. It was then, however, that the Prince Prospero, maddening with rage and the shame of his own momentary cowardice, rushed hurriedly through the six chambers, while none followed him on account of a deadly terror that had seized upon all. He bore aloft a drawn dagger, and had approached, in rapid impetuosity, to within three or four feet of the retreating figure, when the latter, having attained the extremity of the velvet apartment, turned suddenly and confronted his pursuer. There was a sharp cry –and the dagger dropped gleaming upon the sable carpet, upon which, instantly afterwards, fell prostrate in death the Prince Prospero. Then, summoning the wild courage of despair, a throng of the revellers at once threw themselves into the black apartment, and, seizing the mummer, whose tall figure stood erect and motionless within the shadow of the ebony clock, gasped in unutterable horror at finding the grave-cerements and corpse-like mask which they handled with so violent a rudeness, untenanted by any tangible form.

And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the revellers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the ebony clock went out with that of the last of the gay. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.

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A Partial List of Steven King’s Scariest Works

Needless to say, bookshelfbattle.com ‘s month long celebration of Halloweenish Literature would not be complete without adding Steven King, the Master of Modern Horror Fiction, into the mix.  In no particular order, here are five of what I believe to be the prolific author’s scariest works:

1)  The Shining – Am I wrong or can everyone agree that this is King’s central masterpiece?  The movie version, in which a stir-crazy Jack Nicholson shouts, “Here’s Johnny!” as he puts his face up to a hole in a door he just wacked open with an axe has to be one of the scariest scenes Hollywood has ever produced.  King recently came out with a sequel, Doctor Sleep.  I haven’t read it but reviews have been positive.  In conclusion – all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  Redrum!  Redrum!

2)  Misery – I put this one high up on the list for a reason.  Most of King’s works have a supernatural element.  Danny Torrance, the little boy from The Shining, for example, had special powers that saved the day when his father lost his marbles.  The plot of Misery on the other hand, has no otherworldly occurrences and though unlikely, could possibly happen.  A famous author drives has a car accident due to snowy road conditions.  “His number one fan,”  Annie the Nurse, finds him, drags him home, and nurses him back to health.  Sounds nice, right?  Wrong.  Turns out Annie’s psychotic and she holds the writer hostage, doing everything she can to keep him from leaving.  She drugs him, and at one point even hobbles him.  Forget every CGI fake special effects laden movie monster you have ever seen.  One of the scariest moments of movie history is when Kathy Bates (who plays Annie in the film version opposite James Caan who plays the writer) hobbles her “guest” by putting a wooden block between his ankles and striking his feet with a sledge hammer.  “Cock-a-doody-poopy!”

3) Carrie – Awkward girl abused by crazy mother gets made fun of one too many times.  When the cool kids dump a bucket of pigs’ blood on her at the prom, she loses all control of her eerie superpowers and unleashes them.  Yeah, I suppose everyone has experienced abuse at the hand of a bully at one point or another while growing up, but maybe Carrie could have just let them off easy and used her powers to give them all wedgies?  There have been two remakes as far as I recall but none beats the original film version starring Sissy Spacek.

4) Christine – Car gets possessed by a ghost.  Teenage car owner goes crazy.  Disturbing shenanigans ensue.  Moral of the story- always check the Carfax.

5) Cujo – Again, like Misery, I put this in King’s “scarier because it could potentially happen” column.  As scary as Christine may be, it is highly unlikely that your used car is possessed by a ghost.  It may be possessed by a million petrified french fries under the back seat, but not a malevolent spirit.  The plot of Cujo, on the other hand, is entirely possible – actually, more possible than Misery.  The whole story centers around a mechanic’s rabid dog, Cujo.  Donna Trenton and her son, Tad, go to the home of local mechanic Joe looking for some car repairs.  Cujo, once a mild-mannered St. Bernard, has developed a nasty case of rabies from a bat bite, and much to the Trentons’ chagrin, has killed Joe.  Cujo traps Donna and Tad in their car, which fails to start (it was there for repairs, after all!) and the majority of the novel centers around Donna protecting Tad while they are trapped in the car and essentially held hostage by a ravenous canine.  Say what you want, but rabid dogs do exist and to me, they’re a hundred times scarier than say, non-existent zombies that drag their feet and go, “Ergh!” and “Argh!”

Did I miss one of your favorite Steven King novels?  Feel free to post it below:

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Labor Day Reads

We here at the Bookshelf Battle Institute for Excellence in Learning How to Read English Good believe that you should spend this Labor Day Weekend basking in those last few precious moments of sun before the Fall rolls around and Mother Nature makes you get out your sweaters and jackets again.  Save the reading for when the snow is piled up ten feet outside your window this Winter.

But – supposedly this is a holiday dedicated to celebrating those who labor, and has nothing to do with getting in one last day off before the weather goes South, so here are, in no particular order, some books to read if you want to learn more about the plight of the downtrodden working man:

1)  Hard Times by Charles Dickens – Oppression of the masses!  Factory workers in love!  The rich get richer!  The poor get poorer!  Workers get covered with soot and talk in cockney accents!  That’s pretty much every Charles Dickens’ novel ever written  but the plight of the poor is especially prevalent in this one.  Arguably, it’s not Dickens’ most memorable work, nor is it his best, but it’s a good piece of literature and, well – I don’t know if you need to give a SPOILER WARNING for a book that was printed in the 1800’s (I mean really, you had your chance to read it already, sheesh!) but suffice to say, Mr. Gradgrind forces all of the wit, whimsy, and dreams out of his kids, forcing them to focus on the practical.  “Stop dreaming and start making some money!” is pretty much the speech that every parent gives to a youngster sooner or later.  And it’s not necessarily bad advice (dreams are great, but paying your bills and being able to eat is good too) but Gradgrind goes a bit overboard and his son ends up a loser while his daughter ends up married to an old man twice her age.  In short, try to find a decent living and keep your dreams intact at the same time.

2) Of Mice and Men – Many of John Steinbeck’s novels are about the plight of the working man.  In this one, George and Lenny are migrant farm hands in California.  They move from farm to farm, the bumbling, dim-witted Lenny usually makes some mistake that enrages the local farm folk, forcing them to pack up and wander off to in search of a new gig.  They make it to another farm where they meet an old man and together, the three of them cook up a dream to save up their money and buy a small patch of land which would allow them to become their own bosses.  It almost pans out until – well, hey listen I’ll let you read it but take a note ladies, don’t allow enormous, musclebound dummies who don’t know their own strength to stroke your hair.  Really, it’s just common sense.

3)  Les Miserables – Victor Hugo’s epic novel turned Broadway Musical turned movie tells the tale of Jean Valjean, who stole a loaf of bread, did hard time for it, and had to take on a new identity just to get away from the shame of it.  He prospers as a town Mayor and factory owner, but when Fantine is forced out of her job at his factory due to gossiping old biddies, he goes on a quest to save her daughter, Cosette and is always just moments away from being nabbed by the obsessed Police Inspector Javert.

Surely you’ve all heard this little diddy:

THE CONFRONTATION LYRICS – LES MISERABLES

JAVERT:

Valjean, at last!  We see each other plain.  Monsieur le Mayor.  You’ll wear a different chain!

VALJEAN:

Before you say another word, Javert!  Before you chain me up like a slave again!  Listen to me!  There is something I must do.  This woman leaves behind a suffering child.  There is none but me who can intercede.  In Mercy’s name three days are all I need.  Then I’ll return.  I pledge my word.  Then I’ll return…

JAVERT:

You must think me mad! I’ve hunted you across the years!  Men like you can never change.  A man…such as you!

It’s funny, people get mad when Valjean doesn’t give Javert the three days, but when you think about it, a police offer can’t really be all like, “Oh sure man, no problem, take all the time you need and I’ll just arrest you whenever it’s convenient for you.”

4) Death of a Salesman – Depressed and old and little to show for a life of being a salesman, Willy Loman commits suicide.  Maybe don’t read this one actually, it’ll just bring you down.  Your high school English teacher probably made you read it anyway.

So, let’s recap:  We have four novels dedicated to the downtrodden working poor and they’re all about the characters either killing themselves, killing each other, or otherwise dying miserably.  Apparently there are no novels where someone just gets a job and enjoys punching a time card everyday.  Kind of sad really.  Work=death according to the most popular books about the lower class.  How about a  book just about the Labor Day holiday itself?

 

5) Labor Day – Joyce Maynard’s novel turned movie about a depressed mother and her awkward son.  They’re taken hostage by an escaped convict.  Wrongfully accused, they rally around the man and almost run away with him until the police catch on and haul him back to the slammer for a long, long time.

 

OK I give up.  It looks like there are no happy, uplifting books about the subject of labor or Labor Day itself.  This list was a total waste!  Have a nice weekend anyway, I’m off to go grill some burgers.

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Fourth of July Reads

Happy 4th of July from bookshelfbattle.com!

While you’re waiting for those hamburgers to cook, here are some patriotic book suggestions:

1. 1776, John Adams or pretty much anything by author David McCullough. In fact, if you’re too tipsy from knocking back cold ones at the barbecue, you could always watch John Adams on demand on HBO.

2. Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose – also available as a series on HBO.

3. Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell – Check out my review here.

4. No Easy Day: The Firsthand Account of the Mission That Killed Osama Bin Laden by Mark Owen. Again, if you’re still groggy from multiple cold one consumption, you can just watch Zero Dark Thirty Both provide interesting portrayals of the hunt for America’s most wanted and despised terrorist.

5. The Red Badge of Courage – Stephen Crane

6. The Green Berets by Robin Moore. Beer? Yeah, that’s ok. They made an awesome classic movie based on the book starring John Wayne.

7. Anything by the late Tom Clancy, though if I had to choose one, it would be The Hunt for Red October Yes, there is a movie starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin, but ok, you might have a drinking problem.

8. The Fort by Bernard Cornwell – set during the American Revolution

9. 1775 by Kevin Phillips – about the year leading up to the American Revolution.

10. Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln by Doris Kearns Goodwin, which provided the basis for the Lincoln movie starring Daniel Day Lewis.

These are just some of my recommendations, but is not an exhaustive list by any means. Did I miss one of your favorites? Feel free to share it in the comments below. Happy 4th!

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