Because I am feeling uninspired today…
1) waffles
2) cereal
3) pancakes
4) donuts
5) French toast
6) toast
7) eggs
8) bacon
9) sausage
10) home fries
In conclusion, I hate Yetis.
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Tag Archives: one post a day challenge
Can’t Stop the One Post a Day Challenge
And it continues…
QUESTION: Cthulhu
ANSWER: Cthuwhatwho?
QUESTION: Cthulhu. A mythical monster, akin to bigfoot, but it is large and has a squiddy tentacle face.
ANSWER: Why would a cthulhu want to stop me from posting once a day?
QUESTION: Because you dared to post about them. You’re doing it right now. They want to keep their existence a secret.
ANSWER: Then I’ll stop posting about them. And if that doesn’t satisfy them, then I will zap them with my eyeball lasers.
QUESTION: You have eyeball lasers?
ANSWER: Doesn’t everybody?
QUESTION: Narwhals.
ANSWER: Nar-whats?
QUESTION: Narwhals. Whales with large pointy tusks on their heads.
ANSWER: What, like a unicorn whale? Please, let’s try to keep this to the realm of possibility.
QUESTION: They exist!
ANSWER: Seriously? We can’t have horned horses but they have horned whales?
QUESTION: I know. Hardly seems fair. But you’re in a boat, trying to post on your blog, and one of them is coming at you with its mighty tusk, ready to poke a hole through the side of your ship.
ANSWER: Two words. Giant cork.
QUESTION: Excuse me?
ANSWER: With expert precision, I toss a giant cork onto the narwhal’s mighty tusk, rendering it useless.
QUESTION: Why do you carry a giant cork around with you?
ANSWER: Doesn’t everybody?
QUESTION: Lochness monster.
ANSWER: I’m not in Scotland.
QUESTION: Ninjas kidnap you and transport you to Scotland.
ANSWER: Damn it. Your scenarios are impeccable. Still, Nessie is a champion of free speech. She’s cool. She won’t try to stop the blog.
QUESTION: She’s a jerk in this scenario.
ANSWER: That’s sad. But really, all I have to do is try to take a picture of her and she’ll swim away, leaving me with but a mere blurry image on my camera.
QUESTION: You’ve rejected Katy Perry and Katee Sackhoff in the name of your one post a day challenge. What if we throw Charlize Theron into the mix?
ANSWER: Damn you, Hypothetical Questioner.
QUESTION: Charlize Q. Battler has a nice ring to it.
ANSWER: It does, but I refuse to disappoint my 3.5 regular readers. No dice!
Additional Scenarios – Will They Stop the One Day a Post Challenge?
As my 3.5 regular followers know, I’m doing a one post a day challenge.
The other day, I discussed some scenarios and explained how they will not prevent me from following through on my commitment to post once a day.
I’ve considered some further scenarios:
QUESTION – The zombie apocalypse breaks out. A walker is sitting in your office chair, using your computer, surfing the net and playing Candy Crush. Surely you will concede that it would not be worth it to risk your life in order to make a post?
ANSWER – I concede nothing. I will grab one of the action figures on my bookshelf, jam it into the zombie’s brain, and will not only clear a path to my computer, but also vindicate myself for being a grown man who collects action figures. Two birds with one stone.
QUESTION: You are put into a straight jacket, tied up with ropes and chains, dangled upside down by your feet in an iron safe, and tossed off a helicopter into the ocean.
ANSWER: You’re talking about a typical Tuesday for me, son. First, I dislocate my shoulder ala Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon. I too have a shoulder injury from Vietnam. Sidenote: Do not go to Vietnamese Disneyworld, they have zero ride safety. At least I think it was Vietnamese Disneyworld. Maybe it was just a guy in a mouse suit with a couple of lousy rides.
Anyway. The shoulder trick allows me to slide out of the strait jacket. I then either pick the locks attached to the ropes and chains, or I just flex my muscles and bust them all off. I’m pretty sure I’ll go with the latter.
Finally, I roundhouse kick the safe door open, swim to the surface, then fist fight a shark until I force him into a state of submission, from which point I ride him like an aquatic horse back to the mainland, where I find an Internet cafe and post.
QUESTION: Terrible snow storm. Power is knocked out. We’re talking fifty feet of snow.
ANSWER: I keep a set of skis at the ready for just this situation. Like a prairie dog or other burrowing rodent, I will dig my way to the surface, dragging the skis behind me as they will be tied to my belt. I will then ski hundreds of miles if necessary until I find a computerized device that will allow me to post.
QUESTION: You are hit by a bus and put into a full body cast. Every inch of your body is completely and hopelessly immobilized.
ANSWER: I’ve already discussed this situation with area hospitals. I will hold a pencil in my mouth, and a nurse will move an iPad around, poking the letters I desire up against the pencil. Those posts will be poorly edited and grossly misspelled, but they will still count.
QUESTION: A gypsy curses you. The curse? If you post, you will drop dead. Therefore, by posting, you in effect, will ruin the rest of your challenge, because you’ll be dead, and ergo, won’t be able to post for the rest of the year.
ANSWER: Damn, you’re good. First, I’ve scribbled a year’s worth of posts down. I wrote them with lemon juice so they aren’t visible unless run under a black light. I have left instructions to my team of attorneys to hire an intern who will continue to post on my behalf for the rest of the year.
Alternatively, I will apologize to the gypsy for whatever slight I made in her direction, for gypsies usually don’t curse people for shits and giggles. My charm and wit will surely get me off the hook, leaving me fit as a fiddle and able to post for the rest of the year.
QUESTION: You have failed to post…
ANSWER: Impossible!
QUESTION: Just concede for purposes of this hypothetical that you failed to post.
ANSWER: I concede nothing.
QUESTION: It is a given that you did not post on a day. That’s it. You’re done. There’s no way to undo that.
ANSWER: I’ve already thought of it. First, I will have my body cryogenically preserved, leaving strict instructions that I am only to be thawed out on the day time travel is invented. I will then use said time traveling invention to return to the day in question and enter a post.
QUESTION: Even if doing so changes the very fabric of space and time? Suppose, for example, it was predestined that you would not post. Maybe you post something that infuriates one of your 3.5 readers to the point that they become a mad scientist and turn us all into a race of hybrid mutant half-people, half horses.
ANSWER: Then we spend all eternity as centaurs, man! I MADE A PROMISE TO MY 3.5 READERS!
FYI
For your information…I just wanted to make my 3.5 regular readers aware that I am so dedicated to them that I trudged through 571 miles of arctic tundra and punched a Yeti in the face just to get to a computer in time to complete the latest installment of the one post a day for 2015 challenge.
So please keep this in mind when you’re choosing which blogs to follow. Many bloggers are great. Few are willing to punch Yetis in the face for their 3.5 regular readers’ benefit.
Asked and Anticipated Questions Re: One Post a Day Challenge
Blogger/Author Tommy Muncie posed this comment, so finely crafted, that I felt it merited an entire post:
Respect to you for doing this…I couldn’t write a short post if I tried (you’ve probably noticed) and trying one per day would probably give me an aneurysm. On that note, I reckon you’ll achieve the goal but I’m wondering how you’ll get past the day you get sick, as in the kind of sick where you’re bedridden and narcoleptic and running the kind of temperature the Sahara Dessert would be jealous of and thinking ‘Must…get…to….wordpress!’ and then your body knocks you out when you try. I read your random questions post tonight as well, so here’s a question: could you get past a day like that and still post?
– Tommy Muncie
ANSWER – I’ve been scheduling posts in advance, in the hopes of avoiding this very scenario. However, should I fall violently ill, I will use my last bit of energy to make a post. It won’t be anything fancy or spectacular, it will just be “post” or I’ll just bang on the keys and click “post” just to meet the once a day requirement.
Further, if, say, I am hit by a bus or otherwise left incapacitated, I have engaged a team of individuals to post in my stead, mimicking my subtle nuances and character, so that you will not even notice I am gone.
Actually, I haven’t done that, but now that I’m worried about illnesses and bus attacks on my person, I will have to do so.
Thanks a lot, Muncie!
Now that I’ve answered that question, here some others I anticipate you, my audience of three readers, may have:
QUESTION: Suppose you are cornered by a team of robot ninjas who stand between you and your computer, preventing you from making a post? Will you yield on your promise to us, the readers, to make one post a day?
ANSWER: Absolutely not. I scoff in the face of danger. Few are aware of this, but I was trained in the martial arts by Chuck Norris. I payed it forward by training Steven Seagal, teaching him all the moves he displayed in his movies from the 1980’s and 90’s, though I take no credit from his later films where he got fat and teamed up with Tom Arnold.
QUESTION: An asteroid is careening towards Earth. You have one minute to save the world and you have not yet posted on this particular day. What do you do?
ANSWER: I make a quick post, then I frighten the asteroid back into space with a glare so fearsome that it clearly communicates to the asteroid my disapproval of its tiresome behavior.
QUESTION: A grizzly bear demands to fist fight you in a steel cage UFC championship bout. The prize? Your computer. If you win, you get to post. If you loose, the bear eats your computer.
ANSWER: My post will be a selfie of me wearing the bear’s oily hide as a coat.
QUESTION: Aliens invade. They detonate an electromagnetic pulse that renders all electronic equipment useless.
ANSWER: It’s fine. I scheduled an advance post.
QUESTION: You didn’t. You were too busy watching Game of Thrones, that show that Tommy Muncie is not impressed with. Blasphemy, I say.
ANSWER: I did post.
QUESTION: You didn’t.
ANSWER: Well, if your computer is taken out too, then how can you be sure I didn’t?
QUESTION: Well played, sir. Well played.
QUESTION: You are kidnapped by Russians, who want your blog down because it is too awesome. They throw you, your computer, and a parachute out of a plane, but separately, not together.
ANSWER: I dive myself to the computer, post, then put on the parachute. Note that my first instinct was to post, not to save myself.
QUESTION: Katy Perry and Katee Sackhoff, two of your favorite Katies in the entire world, barge into your domicile, each wearing their customary garb. Perry is in her California Girls video costume, while Sackhoff is in her Battlestar Galactica pilot gear. They offer to have their way with you, but the price? You must not post for one day.
ANSWER: Define “have their way with me.” I understand the classical connotation, but it is an open ended term that can be taken a variety of ways. Thus far, in my experience, a woman “having her way with me” means she sucks up all my money, provides me with a longwinded speech about how we should just be friends, and then said friendship inevitably requires that I console her while she, with a cat in one hand and a pint of ice cream in the other, whines to me about how the men she wants to be more than friends with aren’t nice to her. I feel such a situation would not be worth sacrificing the respect of my three readers for.
QUESTION: The classical connotation.
ANSWER: Ah. Wow. That is a tough one. They won’t even allow me to post just so I can brag about it?
QUESTION: No.
ANSWER: Well, I made a promise to all three of my fans, so I would invite the Katies in for a rousing game of Parcheesi, perhaps build a few jigsaw puzzles with them, then send them on their way in time to make a post. That’s just what a selfless man who has made a commitment does.
QUESTION: Would you resent us forever for it?
ANSWER: Yes.
Do you have questions about what I would do in a potential scenario that would make it difficult for me to post? Ask away in the comments.
Bookshelf Battle 