And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…
Come forth, 3.5 readers and bask in my all seeing glory for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus, shall open your eyes so that you might peer deep into the future of nerd-dom:
- Acclaimed film director Quentin Tarantino, who gained critical acclaim with his 1990s gangster flicks (“Pulp Fiction” and “Reservoir Dogs”) which featured snappy, witty, back and forth dialogue, shall wow sci-fi nerds with a foray into a “Star Trek” film. It will be three hours long, two hours of which will be spent on Capt. Kirk asking Mr. Spock how many dicks Madonna might have been referring to when she sang the 1980s pop hit, “Like a Version.” Then, some klingons will break in, spew multiple 1970s references and then the Enterprise will travel through time and crash into a meeting of Nazis and 1800s slave masters, both groups having also come together to plot dastardly deeds via space travel. The final fifteen minutes will be an obscenity laden blood bath. You’ll wish Quentin had done better, but you’ll hand it to him that he made two awesome movies in the 1990s (three if you count “Jackie Brown” though many don’t although they really should) and now he just gets to have a lot of fun.
- Internet sensation Grumpy Cat will be accused of sexually molesting a hamster and will be pilloried by the #metoo movement. The hamster will appear on multiple talk shows to discuss the harrowing ordeal that grumpy feline put him through.
- China will continue to clone adorable monkeys. This is how “The Planet of the Apes” begins. Stockpile bananas now, for they will prove to be valuable currency later. Also, they’re a good source of potassium, so really, it’s just common sense.
- Bill and Hillary Clinton will appear on a special edition of the Maury Povich show. They will drop their pants and reveal that Bill had the vagina all along, while Hillary was packing the penis. Further, Maury will reveal lab tests indicating that Hillary is Chelsea’s father.
- Hobos will become the next sex symbols. Dousing yourself with trash and inviting your date to dine on a can of beans that you light up by rubbing the business end of a 99-cent cigarette lighter of the bottom of the can will be the one and only way to get laid.
- Bit coin will be popular until it is replace with X-coin. X-coin will be replaced with Giga coin. Giga coin will collapse, taking the dollar and even gold with it. For the first time ever, gold will be worth zero. Farts will become the only acceptable form of currency. To pay for anything, one will be required to fart in a merchant’s specially designed fart storage receptacle. Fat, gassy people will finally have their chance to be millionaires. Alas, 99 percent of the world’s fart wealth shall reside in the colons of the wealthiest 1 percent of refried bean can owners.
- Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog will be studied in a 2175 writing seminar entitled, “How to Not Blog.”
Share your predictions of the nerdy future in the comments below. Alas, if you do, I prognosticate that you will be alone with nothing but a rubber woman and extreme sadness every Saturday night for the next three years. You will then buy a house plant and your abode won’t feel so lonely.