Tag Archives: pregnancy

The Alleged Man’s Dating Woes

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

You may have noticed there wasn’t much in the way of good writing on this website in July.

First of all, there has never been any good writing on this website so why you would expect any now is beyond me.

Second, my alter ego, the Alleged Man, supposedly the man pretending to be me, BQB, has been suffering in the dating scene and for some reason, when AM suffers, my writing suffers.  Are the two related?  Probably not.

Anyway, AM is, God help us, 38 years old.  Yes, his first car was a brontosaurus and Abe Lincoln was his next door neighbor.

AM scored a couple of dates with a nice woman his age, also 38.  She was nice, but she dropped during conversation in date 1 that she didn’t want kids and on date 2 she repeated it.

AM pressed a little on how serious she was about this.  Perhaps she’d just encountered a terrible kid that day and it was fresh on her mind.  Perhaps she never met a man that would be a good father.

She doubled down.  Nope.  I don’t want kids.

So then it was like AM woke up from a coma.  He’d been depressed since turning 35, his lifelong dream of knocking up a woman with his super potent man seed seemed like it was becoming less likely with each passing year.

It began to concern AM that he might have missed his kid having window.  AM is pretty ugly.  That’s not a joke.  He’s a very ugly man and his ugliness causes most vaginas in his general vicinity to dry up like the Great Mojave Desert.  One time AM walked by a woman and a damn tumbleweed popped out of her vagina.  That’s how ugly AM is.

Seriously.  Don’t assume AM is just being down on himself.  The dude is ugly.  And fat.  He has a hardcore pizza addiction.  Also, he’s bald and gray.  He went gray so early.  His pubes look like he’s got Gandalf in a leg lock.

So, anyway, AM began worrying – well, what if my window has past?  Sure, a 100 year old man can father a child but that 100 year old man still needs to find a willing younger female.  Only men as rich and famous as our 45th POTUS can pull off getting a younger babe.

So AM’s worry was that if he had missed his baby making window, he’d be very sad, but he must turn his attention to finding a nice female companion to hold his hand into death which, holy shit, is getting closer and closer because that dickwad is 38.

Miraculously, shortly thereafter, AM scored some dates with a 32 year old.  “Huzzah,” AM said.  “I had a problem where I was worried I can’t find a woman to impregnate with my ultra manly super seed and then low and behold, a younger woman falls from the sky.  Surely she will want my ultra manly seed.  Problem solved.  Literally, the fastest a problem has ever been solved in AM’s life.”

Sigh.  On date 3, the 32 year old informs AM she doesn’t want kids either.

Thus, AM is in a bind.  Two women like him.  Neither wants kids.  He wonders if he were to end up with one of them would he be able to charm them into having kids.

He feels like maybe both women were silly to mention such a thing so early…unless they really meant it in which case they did the right thing by being up front as a more devious woman might have waited a year to say she doesn’t want kids and by then the man is hooked.

So maybe he could try to talk one into having kids but…i mean, there’s the rub.  If a woman is up front about not wanting kids, then a year from now if she doesn’t want kids, that’s the AM’s fault for not listening up front.

AM is torn.  He has been alone for a very long time.  Many years of solitude.  He has no luck with babes and suddenly has luck.  He doesn’t want to be alone but he doesn’t want to give up on kids either.

On one hand he feels it is a lot to ask- i.e. you just meet a woman and she basically says, “Hi I’m a stranger.  Abandon all hope of fatherhood now to proceed.”

He fears he’ll grow bitter if he doesn’t have kids.  However, he also fears that if just goes back to the drawing board, (i.e. says thank you for the dates, ladies, but i’d like to see if there are any uteruses out there that are still open for business) he will end up alone.  He’ll end up 45, hopeless and alone, wishing he’d accepted defeat on the kid issue and just taken on of these ladies as a life companion.

Both women have their reasons.  38 year old is concerned of the health risks of having a baby as an older woman.  32 year old is a wacky feminist who believes that having a baby will keep her from “doing something important with her life.”  BQB didn’t have the heart to tell her that she didn’t appear to be splitting the atom or curing cancer or doing anything really groundbreaking that a baby would interrupt.  He knew that would go over like a lead balloon.

In short, AM’s choices are a) pick one of two women who don’t want kids and assume he will not change their minds b) go back to the drawing board.  Maybe that means a woman who can’t wait to pop a kid out of her cooter will come soon, though more likely, AM will end up a very sad, lonely old man.

Also, before you get after AM about going out with 2 women – a) he hasn’t talked to the first in awhile and b) it’s just been like dinners and movies and shit.  No horizontal mambo action.

Discuss.  Help solve the Alleged Man’s problems as he is apparently so distraught this illustrious blog and the publication of Toilet Gator are on hold until he figures out what to do.

 

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The Male Biological Clock is Real

Hey 3.5 readers.

My best buddy, “The Alleged Man” or the person everyone thinks is me but isn’t, has been pretty bummed as of late.

See, he’s 38, and since 35 the realization has been a slow trickle, now turning into a busted water faucet of a realization that his window to father children is getting narrower and narrower.

In theory, yes, if you can squeeze out some joy juice out of a one hundred year old man, you might be able to use it to knock up a chick.  However, that 100 year old still needs to get the go ahead from a young, fertile chick…because, you know, otherwise he’d be a centenarian rapist.

NOTE TO SELF:  “Centenarian Rapist” would be an awesome title for my next book.  TAGLINE: He raped his way through the Great Depression and two world wars, now he’s raping his way into the grave.  Begin plans for a 99 Design cover contest posthaste.

Back to the point.  Do things look grim for this stud muffin?  Should he just slap himself for not working harder to impregnate a chick in his early days, then forgive himself an accept his spawn-less existence?

I mean, our own 45th POTUS managed to knock up a hot younger woman at age 60 but, you know, he’s super rich and famous and also the POTUS and also has fantastic hair and I have heard rumors that he is often talked about on the news for some reason.

But do keep in mind AM not rich or famous or the POTUS.  That probably won’t happen until I release “Son of Toilet Gator” and then everyone will be all like “Oh AM you’re so super awesome, please impregnate all the women, yay.”

Yeah, yeah, forget pity and condolences about “Hey, Alleged Man, maybe you can adopt or maybe you’ll meet a babe with kids of her own and the Dad has skipped town.”

The Alleged Man is wondering about his chances of actually getting his swimmers past the fallopian goal line.

Sadly, the “Sell a Billion Copies of Toilet Gator and impregnate a gold digging supermodel” looks like it is still years away from coming to fruition.

Plus, AM recently read something about how the older you get, the worse your sperm gets.  AM is now highly concerned that a microscopic slide of his jism would bear a striking resemblance to a bunch of tiny tadpoles slapping each other around like the Three Stooges.  Nyuk nyuk.

Discuss.

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