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Jun 11 2017
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The Real McCoy

The Real McCoy – “Oh Look At Me, I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I Have a New Book”

By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Howdy do, 3.5 readers.  Howdy do indeed.

Boy oh boy, Bookshelf Q. Battler sure is insufferable lately, isn’t he?  He’s walking around East Randomtown with his chest all puffed out like he’s the cock of the walk, telling everyone he sees, “Hey, I just published a book on Amazon and you should go download it for free this weekend.”  I bet the guy will even turn that last quote into a hyperlink.  Dang, BQB, you’re such a predictable tool bag.

Sure, it’s a big milestone for our favorite nerd but holy crap nuggets, you know what else is a big achievement?  Delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek but did I go around telling everyone about it?

OK.  Yes I did.  I told like thousands of people and still do to this very day.  But I didn’t write a book about it.  I tried to, but all the publishers I sent a pitch letter to rejected me on account of the fact they didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze more than a chapter out about my chance encounter with JVDB.  (That’s what we Van Der Beek Tweakers call ourselves.)

Joke’s on the traditional publishing industry.  They didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze out more than a chapter?  Hell, I’ve squeezed out an entire lifetime’s worth of satisfaction and happiness out of that one meeting.  Double hell, a freight train could collide with my face tomorrow and I’d shout, “I regret nothing, for I met James Van Der Beek!”

Oh la dee da, all the East Randomtownsfolk are up BQB’s butt with a coconut, peddling a bunch of trash talk about how BQB is now officially the most famous man in East Randomtown because he put up a book on Amazon and gave away a few free copies, which, let’s be honest here, because there’s no doubt in my mind that all the free copies BQB has given away so far are being downloaded by his Aunt Gertie.

Tarnation, I wish I had my own Aunt Gertie.  Maybe then I’d have the self-confidence I need to start my own blog and get my own 3.5 readers.  Nah, that doesn’t mean I’m jealous of BQB.  What’s there to be jealous of?  BQB never met James Van Der Beek.

Wait, do you think BQB will get to meet James Van Der Beek now that he’s a big time fancy pants Amazon Kindle author?  Son of a monkey stink, I better up my game.

I know what I got to do now.  I have got to deliver a sandwich to that kid who played Pacey.  Anyone remember his name?  Aw hell, who could remember anything when you’re mind is clouded with images of JVDB’s flaxen hair and steamy come hither eyes?

Not that I’m gay or nothin.’

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May 13 2017
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The Real McCoy

The Real McCoy – Do What You Were Meant to Do…NOW!

By:  Leo McCoy, The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Hello 3.5 readers.

Leo “The Real” McCoy here, back once more to bring this pitiful blog some much needed pizzazz, ambience, and an overall joie de vivre.  That’s some classy French talk I heard some fancy lady say once.  Impressed?  Yeah, I thought so.

Look at you people, going to your jobs, saving your pennies, day dreaming about your goals and aspirations.  You know what I call you people?  Slackers!  Utter failures!  Losers!

Sorry, but someone had to say it and we all know Bookshelf Q. Battler wasn’t going to.  “Oh I’m BQB and I love my 3.5 readers!”  Bleh.  Gag me with a slightly moist argyle sock worn a regular basis by an eighty-nine year old man.

You know I think you’re all chumps?  Because you should have accomplished your life’s work by now.  Stop working towards something and just do that something already.  The earlier the better.

Seriously.  Who knows for sure how much time we have?  You’ve got to treat every day like it’s your last and that means you have to achieve what you have been dreaming of TODAY. Not tomorrow.  Not next week.  Not next year.  TODAY!

Once you achieve what you’re after, you’ll be living on easy street.  Doesn’t matter how poor you are, how downtrodden you are, how crappy your life becomes.  You can hold your head up high and be happy because you did what you needed to do.  You achieved your life’s purpose and so you can now coast for the rest of your life.

But I get it.  Not everyone can be as lucky as me, Leo “The Real McCoy.  Not everyone gets the opportunity, at age 19, to deliver a reuben sandwich, a bag of barbecue chips and a bottle of Dr. Pepper to their idol, one Mr. James Van Der Beek, star of the late 1990s WB hit sensation, Dawson’s Creek.

The Beek on the Creek.  Wow.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  “Sir, here’s your order and might I say that when I look at you, it’s like I’m staring at the visage of a Greek god who was cast out of Mount Olympus and forced to mingle with us mere mortals for a time.”

His reply?  “Thank you.  Keep the change and go away please.”

Yes.  Go away, I did.  And at that young age, my life was complete.  I didn’t need to go to college, or become a doctor or a lawyer or get married or have kids or get a real job or quote unquote, “do something meaningful and productive with my life.”

Why?  Because before I reached age 20, I did what God intended me to do.  God put me on this planet to make sure that James Van Der Beek would not go hungry or thirsty on one day in particular so he could concentrate on entertaining the viewers of the Creek.

Twenty years later, I’m proud to say I did what you wanted me to do God.  I did all that you intended for me to do.  I’m so proud of myself for doing it.  In fact God, I’d love it if you could let me stay alive and well on this planet for at least another sixty some odd years or so, just so I can inspire others to reach their full potential and do what you put them here to do by regaling them with my inspiration tale of how I delivered James Van Der Beek his lunch.

What’s your sandwich, 3.5 readers?  Who is your James Van Der Beek?  What are you supposed to do?  Figure out why God put you here.  Determine what God was thinking when he put you here.  When he put me here, he said, “I need Leo ‘The Real’ McCoy to exist so that one day James Van Der Beek will not be hungry or parched.”  That’s what God say when he made me.

What did God say when he made you?  You don’t want to disappoint God, 3.5 readers.  When you get to the pearly gates and God asks, “Hey, did you do that thing you were supposed to do?”  You don’t want to throw God all kinds of lame excuses.  You don’t want to be all like, “No, sorry God, I was too busy playing Madden football on my X-Station or whatever it’s called.”

“Sorry God.  I didn’t reach my full potential because I was too busy feeding my cat, brushing my hair, eating tacos, braiding my toe hair, washing my testicles with a scrub brush, sleeping in late because my alarm broke and oh yeah I just didn’t give a shit because I was filled with massive amounts of ennui despite the wonderful, miraculous gift of life you gave me so uh, yeah I’ll just be in the corner now and you’ll have to make another person to do the shit that I was supposed to do.  Thanks.”

That was my impression of you.  That’s what you’ll sound like if you don’t get up off your butt and do what you’re supposed to do.

Think I’m worried about meeting God?  No.  When I meet him I can say, “No sweet, G-man.  Remember way back in 1998 when James Van Der Beek was hungry and thirsty?  I had it covered so uh, let me into heaven, man.  I want to check the scene, maybe tip back a few cold ones with Abraham Lincoln and snort some lines off of Marilyn Monroe’s knockers.”

Well.  Maybe I won’t mention that last part.  I mean, it’s Heaven so technically you ought to get to do what you want but, I’m pretty sure Heaven Marilyn is clean and sober now.

In conclusion, stop wasting time!  Go do what you were meant to do right now…like, RIGHT FREAKING NOW!

You’ll be so glad once you get it done because as soon as you do whatever it is, then you can just totally flog the monkey and watch cartoons and drink brewskis and eat nacho cheese chips for like the next 50-60 years.  Totally sweet.

Good luck doing what you are supposed to do, 3.5 readers and oh, if you see BQB, give him a kick in the old stink berries for me, Leo “The Real” McCoy.

You’re welcome for this amazing advice that you clearly do not deserve.

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Feb 08 2017
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The Real McCoy

The Real McCoy – Spooning with Bookshelf Q. Battler

By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Howdy doo, 3.5 readers.

Leo McCoy here with my first column for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  When Video Game Rack Fighter called and asked me to write for her, I immediately responded that I would check my schedule to see if I was busy.  Then I admitted I was lying because I haven’t been busy since 1998, on that glorious day when I delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

Oh how I remember it like it was yesterday.  Dawson’s Creek or “The Creek” as we 1990s people called, was the hottest show on the WB, next to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Oh, the WB was once a hot network filled with shows for 1990s era young people.

Although it was owned by Warner Brothers and thus they could have chosen any of the Looney Tunes characters to headline the channel (Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck, for example), they chose that damn racist frog.  You know the one.  “Hello my baby, hello my mammy, hello my rag time gal.”  Sorry, I can’t steal that joke.  That joke belongs to Dave Chapelle.

Anyway, I was a duly designated employee of a local delicatessen.  Got a call that a fella was looking for a Reuben sandwich, a bag of barbecue potato chips and a Dr. Pepper.  Diligent worker that I was, I ran it right over to the Random Motel, the number one spot for tourists to stay while they’re visiting East Randomtown and who should appear at the door but none other than James Van Der Beek himself.

Oh how handsome he was.  I’m not saying that in a gay way.  Any heterosexual man can surely appreciate the aesthetic features of a good looking man without wanting to touch his bits and pieces although, I can’t lie, the man was famous as all get out so had he asked, I’m not sure I would have been able to deny him.  Again, that’s not a gay statement.  It’s just a recognition of the power of celebrity.

What a golden haired Adonis he was, standing there with his flowing locks and flannel shirt.  Open with a white shirt underneath, as was the style of the day.  You weren’t anyone in the 1990s if you didn’t dress like Paul Bunyan.

“I’m sorry sir,” I said.  “But are you James Van Der Beek?”

“Maybe,” the man replied.  “What’s it to you?”

I then lifted up my shirt and handed the man a pen.

“Mr. Beek, sir,” I said.  “I’d be honored if you’d autograph my nipple.”

“Get lost, weirdo,” the man replied, before tossing the money he owed, taking the food, and slamming the door in my face.

Sigh.  My nipple remained unsigned, but I knew it was him.  I don’t blame Mr. Van Der Beek for wanting to lay low.  Had word gotten out that the world’s sexiest Dutchman was in town, he would have been swamped with fans and no one wants to sign the nipples of fans when they are hungry for deli food, let me tell you.

Ahh, on that day I knew life would never get any better.  I peaked so early that I quit my job at the deli and started waxing the stool of the Random Bar with my ass.  Same stool, same ass for nearly twenty years and I don’t regret a single day.  I accomplished what I was meant to do early in life and I’ve been waiting for the good Lord to take me ever since.

Now, as all 3.5 of you readers know, I have a rivalry with BQB.  People say Battler is the most famous man in East Randomtown because he started a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.

Oh, whoopee.  Anyone can start a blog on WordPress.  Sure, even less people get 3.5 people to read their blogs but still, it can be done.  Have any of you ever a man that you were ninety-nine percent sure was the infamous James Van Der Beek, star of the most popular show about a teenager just trying to make it in the 1990s as an aspiring filmmaker whilst trying to win the love of the precocious Joey Potter all the while maintaining his friendships with bad Pacy Whitter and town slut Jen Lindley?  I think not.

Anyway, I’d like to thank Video Game Rack Fighter for inviting me to be a columnist on this blog.  I gotta admit, I’m getting a kick out of the fact that I get to blog on BQB’s blog while BQB is no longer allowed to.

Oh, you may have noticed in the past my last name was spelled, “McKoy.”  Yeah, that’s because I always wanted to be a rebel but now that VGRF has promoted me from bit player to featured cast member, I figured I’d switch to the traditional spelling.

Also, I’d like all 3.5 of you to know that even though BQB has been my longtime enemy and I despise him from taking away my position as East Randomtown’s most famous citizen by starting his stupid blog, I am still a Christian and thus I have gladly opened my room at the Random Motel to him for his use.

BQB needs a place to stay as Video Game Rack Fighter has been awarded 99.99% of BQB’s paycheck from Beige Corp.  That’s gotta hurt.  Luckily, I never married.  Marriage never interested me after I got a close look at Mr. Van Der Beek’s angelic face.  No, that’s not a gay statement.  Can’t a man just appreciate the statuesque features of a living god without being accused of gayness?

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” as Jerry Seinfeld once said.  You know, I was ten percent sure that I once delivered a pastrami on rye to Jerry Seinfeld but then it just turned out to be a guy who just said, “What’s the deal” a lot.  Oh well.  I suppose no one could ever be blessed with meeting James Van Der Beek AND Jerry Seinfeld in one lifetime.

Let me end this column with some questions you no doubt have:

Q:  Are you and BQB staying at the same room James Van Der Beek once rented?

A:  Yes.  On the same day Mr. Der Beek checked out, I sold my house for pennies on the dollar and moved into the same room and have never left since.  Also, I have been snaking the bath tub drain for twenty years in search of errant golden locks, the DNA of which might prove to all haters and naysayers that I did, most assuredly, meet James Van Der Beek.

Q:  Is BQB a good roommate?

A:  No.  He cries into his pillow all night over losing his beloved blog to VGRF.  Also, he misses VGRF.  I offered to dress up like her and dance around to make him feel better.  He said that would be gay but frankly, I don’t see how.  Ungrateful homophobic bastard if you ask me.

Q.  Why do you and BQB spoon?

A.  Partially due to the fact that there’s only one bed and it is very small.  Partially because the furnace in the Random Motel has been broken for twenty years.  Rumor has it that when Mr. Der Beek left, the Random Motel’s owner smashed the furnace to pieces whilst shouting, “This place will never get any hotter now that James Van Der Beek has left!”

Q.  Are you sure the owner did that?  Kind of sounds like something you would do.

A.  No comment.

Q.  Where does the yeti sleep?

A.  On the floor.  He makes for a fine throw rug.  Occasionally I put a blonde wig on him and recreate my glory days, or rather, the glorious day when I delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

Q.  Do you have anything else to say?

A.  Yes.  “I don’t want to wait…for my life to be over…until you realize that I’m more famous in East Randomtown than BQB…”  Oh James Van Der Beek, you are a national treasure.

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