The Real McCoy – Spooning with Bookshelf Q. Battler

By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Howdy doo, 3.5 readers.

Leo McCoy here with my first column for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  When Video Game Rack Fighter called and asked me to write for her, I immediately responded that I would check my schedule to see if I was busy.  Then I admitted I was lying because I haven’t been busy since 1998, on that glorious day when I delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

Oh how I remember it like it was yesterday.  Dawson’s Creek or “The Creek” as we 1990s people called, was the hottest show on the WB, next to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Oh, the WB was once a hot network filled with shows for 1990s era young people.

Although it was owned by Warner Brothers and thus they could have chosen any of the Looney Tunes characters to headline the channel (Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck, for example), they chose that damn racist frog.  You know the one.  “Hello my baby, hello my mammy, hello my rag time gal.”  Sorry, I can’t steal that joke.  That joke belongs to Dave Chapelle.

Anyway, I was a duly designated employee of a local delicatessen.  Got a call that a fella was looking for a Reuben sandwich, a bag of barbecue potato chips and a Dr. Pepper.  Diligent worker that I was, I ran it right over to the Random Motel, the number one spot for tourists to stay while they’re visiting East Randomtown and who should appear at the door but none other than James Van Der Beek himself.

Oh how handsome he was.  I’m not saying that in a gay way.  Any heterosexual man can surely appreciate the aesthetic features of a good looking man without wanting to touch his bits and pieces although, I can’t lie, the man was famous as all get out so had he asked, I’m not sure I would have been able to deny him.  Again, that’s not a gay statement.  It’s just a recognition of the power of celebrity.

What a golden haired Adonis he was, standing there with his flowing locks and flannel shirt.  Open with a white shirt underneath, as was the style of the day.  You weren’t anyone in the 1990s if you didn’t dress like Paul Bunyan.

“I’m sorry sir,” I said.  “But are you James Van Der Beek?”

“Maybe,” the man replied.  “What’s it to you?”

I then lifted up my shirt and handed the man a pen.

“Mr. Beek, sir,” I said.  “I’d be honored if you’d autograph my nipple.”

“Get lost, weirdo,” the man replied, before tossing the money he owed, taking the food, and slamming the door in my face.

Sigh.  My nipple remained unsigned, but I knew it was him.  I don’t blame Mr. Van Der Beek for wanting to lay low.  Had word gotten out that the world’s sexiest Dutchman was in town, he would have been swamped with fans and no one wants to sign the nipples of fans when they are hungry for deli food, let me tell you.

Ahh, on that day I knew life would never get any better.  I peaked so early that I quit my job at the deli and started waxing the stool of the Random Bar with my ass.  Same stool, same ass for nearly twenty years and I don’t regret a single day.  I accomplished what I was meant to do early in life and I’ve been waiting for the good Lord to take me ever since.

Now, as all 3.5 of you readers know, I have a rivalry with BQB.  People say Battler is the most famous man in East Randomtown because he started a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.

Oh, whoopee.  Anyone can start a blog on WordPress.  Sure, even less people get 3.5 people to read their blogs but still, it can be done.  Have any of you ever a man that you were ninety-nine percent sure was the infamous James Van Der Beek, star of the most popular show about a teenager just trying to make it in the 1990s as an aspiring filmmaker whilst trying to win the love of the precocious Joey Potter all the while maintaining his friendships with bad Pacy Whitter and town slut Jen Lindley?  I think not.

Anyway, I’d like to thank Video Game Rack Fighter for inviting me to be a columnist on this blog.  I gotta admit, I’m getting a kick out of the fact that I get to blog on BQB’s blog while BQB is no longer allowed to.

Oh, you may have noticed in the past my last name was spelled, “McKoy.”  Yeah, that’s because I always wanted to be a rebel but now that VGRF has promoted me from bit player to featured cast member, I figured I’d switch to the traditional spelling.

Also, I’d like all 3.5 of you to know that even though BQB has been my longtime enemy and I despise him from taking away my position as East Randomtown’s most famous citizen by starting his stupid blog, I am still a Christian and thus I have gladly opened my room at the Random Motel to him for his use.

BQB needs a place to stay as Video Game Rack Fighter has been awarded 99.99% of BQB’s paycheck from Beige Corp.  That’s gotta hurt.  Luckily, I never married.  Marriage never interested me after I got a close look at Mr. Van Der Beek’s angelic face.  No, that’s not a gay statement.  Can’t a man just appreciate the statuesque features of a living god without being accused of gayness?

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” as Jerry Seinfeld once said.  You know, I was ten percent sure that I once delivered a pastrami on rye to Jerry Seinfeld but then it just turned out to be a guy who just said, “What’s the deal” a lot.  Oh well.  I suppose no one could ever be blessed with meeting James Van Der Beek AND Jerry Seinfeld in one lifetime.

Let me end this column with some questions you no doubt have:

Q:  Are you and BQB staying at the same room James Van Der Beek once rented?

A:  Yes.  On the same day Mr. Der Beek checked out, I sold my house for pennies on the dollar and moved into the same room and have never left since.  Also, I have been snaking the bath tub drain for twenty years in search of errant golden locks, the DNA of which might prove to all haters and naysayers that I did, most assuredly, meet James Van Der Beek.

Q:  Is BQB a good roommate?

A:  No.  He cries into his pillow all night over losing his beloved blog to VGRF.  Also, he misses VGRF.  I offered to dress up like her and dance around to make him feel better.  He said that would be gay but frankly, I don’t see how.  Ungrateful homophobic bastard if you ask me.

Q.  Why do you and BQB spoon?

A.  Partially due to the fact that there’s only one bed and it is very small.  Partially because the furnace in the Random Motel has been broken for twenty years.  Rumor has it that when Mr. Der Beek left, the Random Motel’s owner smashed the furnace to pieces whilst shouting, “This place will never get any hotter now that James Van Der Beek has left!”

Q.  Are you sure the owner did that?  Kind of sounds like something you would do.

A.  No comment.

Q.  Where does the yeti sleep?

A.  On the floor.  He makes for a fine throw rug.  Occasionally I put a blonde wig on him and recreate my glory days, or rather, the glorious day when I delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

Q.  Do you have anything else to say?

A.  Yes.  “I don’t want to wait…for my life to be over…until you realize that I’m more famous in East Randomtown than BQB…”  Oh James Van Der Beek, you are a national treasure.

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