Tag Archives: self promotion

My Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is Free All Week!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.  My big book of Badass Writing Prompts is free all this week on Amazon.

Free.  Gratis.  You pay zilch, zero, nada.  So, if you want to help keep the lights on around here, all you need do is go and download a copy, for free, and that’s it.  Leave a review and you’d be helping a lot but otherwise, just give me a download to add to my states.

Thanks, 3.5:

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Vote for Your Favorite Cover – How the West Was Zombed

Hey 3.5 readers.

How the West Was Zombed was my first finished book draft, the one that started it all.

Finally, I’m getting it a cover.

So, vote for your favorite.

https://99designs.com/contests/poll/e821zg

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Ask the Alien – The Mighty Potentate Speaks, Love Advice

A MEMO FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE (Alien Jones’ Boss)

RE:  Insignificant Humans Who Dare Bask in My Presence

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

Alien Jones!  A human has dared speak to me, the Supreme Overlord of our planet, the name of which I forbid Earthlings to hear, lest they molest my eye receptacles with their hideous reality programming.  Dispatch my answers to his inquiries posthaste!

WIKZI writes:

Dear Mighty Potentate: Although I am one of the puny humans you so despise, I thought you might want to know that, A) I have never participated in, nor plan on participating in, the creation and/or distribution of reality television programs, earth-based or otherwise.

MIGHTY POTENTATE:  You are one of the good ones.  However, the key question is not “have you” but “would you?”  If given a low budget and a time slot on the public airwaves, would you fill it with “Trashy Housewives of Atlanta” or “Monkey Doctor Adventures?”  What about “Supermodel Mudwrestling 4 Cash” or “Plumber Intervention.”

It’s nice that you have not nor plan to, but hopefully you KNOW you never will have anything to do with reality television.

WIKZI: B) as I am now following this blog, your 3.5-person readership has now been upgraded to 4.5 (who the hell is the .5 anyway, I feel sorry for him/her/it. What a loser!). No idea why you chose to grace my insignificant little corner o’ the blogosphere with your August Presence, but know this: I WILL BE WATCHING YOU. Please continue checking my blog at https://graylog.wordpress.com/ for more stories, some related to aliens and some, urm, not. Thank you!

MIGHTY POTENTATE:  Confused human!  I have no need for bloggery.  If I want my thoughts to be in your mind, I’ll just beam them there and make you think you thought them.  But thank you for following Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog.  I have identified him as the one human whose wit and wisdom can save the universe from the scourge of reality television, thus dispatching my lackey, Alien Jones, to assist him.

As the ruler of PLANET NAME REDACTED, I order all puny humans to visit Wikzi’s Blog. (The Graylog)

ALIEN JONES here.  Thank you, oh Mightiest of Potentates, for gracing us with your presence.  The next human to make inquiries was Gary Henry aka @LiteraryGary:

So is the Alien actually going to offer advice to the lovelorn and confused?

Sir, I am under direct orders from the Mighty Potentate to answer all questions posed using the infinite knowledge of my highly evolved brain.  That being said, if you check out this file photo of yours truly, you’ll realize I’m missing something that one would need to be considered an expert on love:

shutterstock_120849016

I meant there’s no ring on my finger.  What were you thinking of?  Weirdo.

Having said that, I’ve generally found that most inter-human love quarrels can be solved by the male nodding at the female at regular intervals, throwing out the occasional, “Oh no she did-ent!” or “Girl, you so right!”

Meanwhile, statements such as “Madam, you are incorrect and the following is a logical and highly rational argument as to why” will result in the female attacking with the force of a rabid wolverine upon being cornered.

Apparently, I’m not the only one in the indie blog Q+A game. Henry’s blog, “Honest Indie Book Reviews” features a column called “Ask Vlad the Impaler.”

Perhaps not so surprisingly, most of Vlad’s advice involves someone getting impaled.  Old “One Track Mind” Vlad.

Oh, and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s attorney demands I note that the Bookshelf Battle Blog does not endorse impalement.

Good Ole Henry – the indie world needs more supporters like this human.

On that note, I must take my leave, for I am attending a gala on Ronosplat 15.  It’s so fancy it requires pants.

Pretentious, if you ask me.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Ask The Alien – 4/12/15

ALIEN JONES:  I really don’t want to do this.

BQB:  Will you just shut up and put on your suit of armor and helmet?

ALIEN JONES:  No.  I hail from the most intelligent species in the universe.  We cured cancer, heart disease, and excessive gastrointestinal distress.  I’m not going to walk around like I’m in a damn Renaissance Faire.

BQB:  Please?  It’ll spike my readership from 3.5 to 10.12.

ALIEN JONES:  Sigh.  Fine.

Sigil of House Jones

Sigil of House Jones

Verily, forsooth and so forth.  It is I, Lord Alien of House Jones.

ALIEN JONES:  Lord Alien of House Jones?  Seriously?

BQB:  Will you?  Please?  OK?  Seriously.

Sigh.  Fine.  Lord Alien of House Jones here, taking your questions in my ongoing effort to raise your planet out of its exceptionally stupid status.

Apologies that my column has been out of commission for a couple of weeks.  Luckily, my memory receptors have not forgotten who asked what.

Kim Magennis of the blog Whimsy had two questions:

1)  Was Nikola Tesla one of yours?

No.  He was just a random Serbian guy who was hijacked by rogue aliens.  He managed to escape and passed off the knowledge he saw on their ship as his own.

Many human inventors have done the same.  That guy that made the Sham-wow?  Totally an alien invention.  You really think a human made cloth can suck up an entire gallon of milk?  Please.

2) Another question for Alien Jones: out of place artifacts (like that hammer in made from an alloy of iron which was found inside a “100 million” year old rock and the 100,000 Years Old Stone Embedded With A Three-Pronged Plug) are they pranks or the real thing?

(Read more) 

Three possibilities:

1)  Some of it is just human junk that got mixed into ancient rocks due to human incompetence.  For example, that plug was just left there by an archaeologist trying to find a place to charge his Kindle Fire.

2)  Some of it is alien junk.  Many aliens are slobs and just chuck their trash wherever they please.

3)  Some of the items were left as pranks.  Young aliens especially have been known to go out on a Friday night, flying around the Cosmos with a bottle of space hooch and a bag of screws, dropping them all over primitive planets, only to laugh about it thousands of years later when scientists print longwinded papers about them.

BQB:  Lord Alien of House Jones!  Behold!  A raven brings a tweet from the land of Twitter!

ALIEN JONES:  Are we really going to do this crap for all of Game of Thrones Season 5?

BQB: Tara Ellis, Author of Bloodline:  Forgotten Origins Trilogy, now available on Amazon, tweeted:

BQB:  March 27 that tweet came in and here you are responding to it on April 10.

ALIEN JONES:  Need I remind you I was hit by a space bus?

BQB:  Oh yeah.  How are you doing?

ALIEN JONES:  I’m fine.  You should see the bus!  :::rimshot:::

BQB:  AJ, Tara’s book is about alien viruses.  Can you elaborate on the subject?

ALIEN JONES:  Why?  Do I look like a dirty virus carrying alien or something?

BQB:  No I just thought…

ALIEN:  Yeah, yeah…you “thought.”  Just because some aliens have viruses we must all have viruses!  That’s some backward thinking man.

This book seems like a fine tale worth a download.  In the opening paragraph, Ellis lets the reader know a) the narrator’s father had something bad happen to him whilst in Egypt and b)  said father wasn’t the type to go down easily, thus a mystery ensues!

Thank you Kim and Tara for your interest in #AskTheAlien.  Lord Alien of House Jones signing off now, taking a break from what will be apparently a long season of dealing with GOT fanboy Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Alien Jones Taking Your Questions

BEHOLD!  The mighty brainy one, taking your questions and plugging your work!

BEHOLD! The Mighty Brainy One, taking your questions and plugging your work!

Alien Jones!  He knows all and is taking your questions!  Inside his genius alien brain lies the secrets of the cosmos, the mysteries of the universe, and the answer to all multiple choice questions (it’s B).

Moreover, bribery is not beneath him!  Ask him a question and he might plug your book, blog, or other project in his answer.

Notice how I said “might.”  In other words, if your book is called, “I Heart Nazis!” or some other such nonsense, then no, he won’t plug it.  He has standards.  Otherwise, he’ll do his best to send the Bookshelf Battle’s 3.5 readers your way.

How did aliens master space flight?  Who are the most powerful aliens? Which restaurant makes the best chocolate chip pancakes?  Why was the Dexter series finale so godawful?

Your questions can be serious and thoughtful or funny and snarky.  In fact, he prefers the latter.

By the way, He of the Amazing Gray Matter, posed the following question to me today:

ALIEN JONES:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, does it occur to you that maybe people are leery to have their works promoted on a blog operated by an anonymous blogger with a penchant for sarcasm?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: It does.  That’s why we have a guarantee.  If you don’t like Alien Jones’ plug for your work, he’ll pull it.  No questions asked.  No hard feelings.  Nothing to lose.  3.5 readers (eh, maybe a bit more even) to gain.  Just sent a private message to Bookshelf Battle on Twitter asking for Alien Jones to take your plug down.

Doesn’t get any more awesome than that, folks!  Submit your questions by midnight Friday to get your question in Sunday’s column.

Alien graphic courtesy of Marauder on openclipart.org

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