You’ve got a lot of work to do between now and the zombie apocalypse, my friend.
Noble readers, waiting until the Zombie Apocalypse begins to figure out how to save yourself from the undead hordes is a lot like waiting until you walk in on your girlfriend bumping uglies with your best buddy in your bedroom to confront them even though you know you saw them making googly eyes at each other at that raging kegger last Thursday.
Either way, the situation stinks (figuratively and literally) and someone’s getting screwed.
Do you kids still do keggers? I have no idea. Bill Clinton was chasing interns around the oval office with his pants around his ankles when I was in college.
At any rate, you get my point. A Zompoc may or may not be coming but if it does, then you’ll want to be like Bill Paxton in Twister and get ahead of that shit storm.
Sorry. There will be many 1990’s references throughout this guide. Be forewarned.
Take copious notes, students, because I’m going to break down what you need to do so that you will be ready when the undead start breaking down your door.
Way in advance of the Zombie Apocalypse you will need to:
- Get your body in the best physical condition possible.
- Zombie proof your home.
- Pack a bug-out bag in case you need to flee your home.
- Identify ideal places to flee to if you must flee your home.
Pay attention, Geekensteins, because there’s going to test on this later. And no it’s not going to be a multiple choice test. It’s going to be an “Oh my God a damn zombie is trying to eat my face so now I wish I had paid more attention to Bookshelf Q. Battler!” kind of a test.
That’s right. I’m going to save you from a zombie eating your face.
PREP STEP #1 – Get Your Body in the Best Physical Condition Possible
Cardio
In addition to being perhaps the best comedic film about zombies, Zombieland also provided the world with a great deal of useful information.
Jesse Eisenberg wasn’t kidding when he advised you to do lots of cardio. The longer you can run without breaking a sweat or getting tired, the less likely it is that a damn zombie will chase you.
Amongst the zombie expert community, there’s a difference of opinion about just how fast zombies are. Some say they are incredibly slow and dim-witted. Others say that they are very fast and dim-witted.
Everyone agrees that zombies are dumber than cacti, but personally, I don’t want to wait until a zombie’s teeth are clamping down on my vital organs to find out how fast they move.
No thank you. I’m going to assume that all zombies move like Jackie Joyner Kersey.
Jackie Joyner Kersey? Anyone? Anyone? Famous Olympian from the 1980s and 90s?
Shit I’m old. Maybe I ought to just give up and lie down and allow the zombies to have their filthy way with me.
No. I can’t. I have to think of you. There are so many lives I can still save with my anti-zombie knowledge.
Bottomline. I get it. Life is hard. You’re very busy. There’s always ten things you need to do that are more pressing than getting your butt on that treadmill in your spare room that you turned into a coat rack long ago.
But if the thought of running away from a pack of hungry zombies for a little bit until you keel over from exhaustion and get torn limb from limb won’t motivate you to jump on that treadmill and bump up the incline then I don’t know what will.
P.S. even if the zombie apocalypse never happens, all this working out is going to make you look fab-u-lous!
Strength Training
Cardio’s great but you’re also going to need to pump your pythons.
What…what are you doing? No. Stop. That wasn’t a masturbation euphemism.
I’m talking about lifting weights.
Now, I belong to a gym and like any gym in America, it’s filled with two things:
- Old dudes who feel a bizarre need to walk all over the locker room with their wrinkled as hell wangs flapping in the breeze on full display.
I’m not even kidding. They comb their hair while they’re naked, they shine their shoes while they’re naked, they tie their shoes, shave off their beards, trim their nose hairs, they do all of this nonsense while they’re naked. For Christ sake’s, old dudes, put on your pants then go through your entire bodily grooming regimen!
And before you say it, no, it’s not that I’m complaining because they’re old. I’d complain if a young dude this too. But young dudes don’t do this. Young dudes (whatever, just because I watched Friends while it was still on the air doesn’t mean I can’t call myself young so shut up) usually exercise discretion and keep their pants on.
Seriously. I don’t know what it is with old dudes in locker rooms. Maybe they figure they’re going to croak soon so they might as well take advantage of their last chance to be voyeuristic, or maybe at a certain age you run out of shits to give and don’t care if your naked walk abouts inspire off-topic rants in books about zombie apocalypse survival, but either way, I must move on.
2. Muscle Bound Dudes Offering You a Neverending Stream of Free, Unsolicited Advice
I don’t know about you but whenever I go to my gym, I can’t lift a bar bell more than three times without some jackass the size of an ox who looks like he’s straight out of Arnold Schwarzengger’s Pumping Iron sauntering up to me to say something like, “You’re doing it all wrong, bro.”
OK I get it. It’s very negative to automatically perceive someone’s attempt to help me as an insult. The guy could actually be trying to help me. Perhaps he knows some strength training techniques that could be of assistance. Maybe he was once a weak ass loser like me and wants to hook me up with some advice.
But frankly, I’ll look at myself in the mirror next to said muscle bound dude and I just feel like saying, “Ha. I get it, sir. Your much manlier than I am. You bang more chicks than I do and your penis probably puts mine to shame. Please now, allow me to struggle with this pink bar bell I stole from the Curves across the street in peace.”
Curves? You know. Women have all these gyms that are just for them so they don’t have to deal with men checking out their butts while they do their squat thrusts?
I’m not going to say we’re not checking out their butts, but you know, if a female butt happens to be in my line of sight while I’m throwing up my pink bar bell that’s not my fault.
OK. Let’s reign it in here. You’ll want to get as strong as you can because you’re going to have to lift a lot of heavy shit during the zombie apocalypse.
Maybe you’ll have to carry a big bag of supplies. Perhaps you’ll have to let your best friend lean on your shoulder for awhile until you reach a shelter.
Hell, you might even have to climb your ass up a tree to avoid a bunch of angry brain chompers.
And based solely on knowledge gained from watching the same zombie apocalypse themed movies and TV shows that you have, I know for a fact that you’re going to be bringing down machetes, baseball bats, tire irons, department store mannequin legs, and other assorted blunt instruments down on zombie heads all day long.
If you don’t pump your cannons, that shit will wear you out.
Put on that muscle so you’ll be ready to do the zombie hustle. But remember I only said to…
Get Yourself in the Best Physical Condition…Possible
Some of us are naturally born athletes and some of us aren’t. Some people can scarf down a whole pizza and never gain an ounce. Others can chew on a celery stalk and end up with an ass the size of a barcalounger.
We all come in different shapes and sizes.
Do the best you can but realize you’re not a miracle worker either. You have to make do with what God gave you.
There are simple steps you can take immediately. Quit smoking and drinking. Cut back on sugar, caffeine, and peanut butter cups. Stop lying. You’re eating a peanut butter cup right now. I know you are.
Yeah, you think you’re funny but you won’t be laughing breaks himself off a piece of your Kit Kat Bar.
Drink more water and get more fiber in your diet. Eat your vegetables. Eat that yogurt that helps ladies poop. Why don’t they have a yogurt that helps men poop? I feel discriminated against because I don’t have my own poop assistance yogurt. Someone get a civil rights attorney on the phone.
Start today and maybe if the zompoc takes its sweet time, you could end up being an Adonis by the time the biters come a-calling.
But if you’ve got a body that looks like you’ve been freebasing Twinkie cream since the second President Bush said, “Don’t Mess With Texas” and the zombie apocalypse starts tomorrow, then you, my friend, are going to have to rely on bribery to get yourself through the end of days.
You’ll need to bring a bevy of goodies to use as you purchase the assistance of survivors in better shape than you.
And you’ll need to keep these goodies in your bug-out bag.
Bookshelf Battle 