Bookshelf Battle

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Journal – Day 20

10:00 a.m.

Delilah K. Donnelly, BQB’s Attorney

For the first time in twenty days, I felt comfortable enough to sleep in. VGRF was snuggled in close to me, her mouth wide open as she snored and blew a strand of her red hair up and down with each exhale and inhale.

There was someone I needed to check in with. I was way overdue.

I punched a number into the space phone and a few moments later, I found myself staring at a video feed of a blonde woman. She was all class and elegance. Her hair was such that it looked like she visited a salon daily. Her dress was one of the finest that the Beverly Hills boutiques had to offer.

She spoke with style and grace with an undertone of Old Hollywood glamour.

“Mr. Battler?”

“Hello Ms. Donnelly.”

It was my attorney, Delilah K. Donnelly, Official Lead Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog and my chief advisor on all legal matters.

“Are you quite alright?” Delilah asked. “I must say I haven’t heard from you in quite some time and after viewing the news reports regarding the tragedy in your hometown, I’ve grown dreadfully concerned.”

“I’m good for now,” I said. “But listen, I need your help.”

“Of course.”

“I’m being targeted by a crooked general, one Thomas Morganstern,” I explained. “He’s none too pleased that Jake spilled the beans about Operation Fuhrerpunschen and intends to use the zombie apocalypse as a cover to blow me up, thus shutting the Bookshelf Battle Blog down for good.”

“Good heavens,” Delilah said. “The 3.5 readers would be lost without you, sir. What ever shall we do?”

“Tell Jake he needs to write down a rough draft of everything he can remember about the mission he went on to punch Adolf Hitler in the face,” I said. “Then get it to a secure location. Let Morganstern know that if anything ever happens to me, no, to any of us, that the manuscript will be self-published.”

“Shall we price it at ninety-nine cents on Amazon?” Delilah asked.

“Jesus Christ, Delilah,” I said. “What am I, a teenage girl hocking her love poems? We’re talking about the scoop on a top secret government operation to punch history’s greatest monster in the face. Surely we can get at least 2.99 for it.”

“Of course. I shall recruit Detective Hatcher’s assistance immediately,” Delilah said. “I must say it won’t be easy, Mr. Battler. He remains invariably displeased that you continue to withhold the secret of his sixty year nap from him.”

“You sound like you have something to say,” I said.

Delilah lit up one of her long filtered cigarettes and took a puff. I could tell she was stalling.

“Do you think its fair?” she asked.

“That I string Jake along like a circus monkey, making him dance for the info he wants to know?” I asked. “No, not at all.”

“He views you as some type of absurd villain,” Delilah said. “Toying with him just to drive your site’s readership higher than 3.5.”

“Then let him think that,” I said. “I don’t know what else to do.”

Delilah flicked some ash into a ceramic tray on her desk.

“Tell him the truth?”

“What?” I asked. “That a maniacal alien despot is threatening to conquer Earth unless my writing career takes off and that running a website featuring regular posts from a hard boiled noir style detective full of stories of his exploits might just be the one thing that puts me over the top?”

“I suppose it does sound foolish when you put it that way.”

“You’ve got a bigger heart than you’re given credit for Delilah,” I said. “But you know for the Pop Culture Mysteries posts to work, we need to insulate Jake from aliens, the Yeti, Dr. Hugo, really all the ridiculous nonsense that happens in the Bookshelf Battle world.”

“Very well, Mr. Battler,” Delilah said. “I must say I fear that Detective Hatcher may be in for quite a letdown when he discovers how he ended up here.”

VGRF stirred, stretched and yawned.

“Did you feel letdown when I told you how you ended up here?” I asked.

Delilah’s large eyes looked down.

“At first, yes. And for quite some time thereafter.”

“And now?” I asked.

She looked up.

“I feel eternally grateful for the gift you’ve given me.”

“Jake will eventually share that feeling.”

Delilah scoffed.

“I doubt that indubitably. Detective Hatcher is hardly as open minded as I am.”

“Hi Delilah,” VGRF said.

“Good morning, Ms. Fighter,” my attorney said. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did.”

“I’m ever so glad to hear it,” Delilah said. “Will there be anything else, Mr. Battler?”

“Yes,” I replied. “Halloween is coming. Can you see if Jake will find out why the hero in a horror movie just clubs the bad guy one time and assumes victory, only to find that the baddie has just discovered his second wind and is ready to fight again? I’ll send you the details. Tell Jake there’s a cool fiver in it for him.”

“Ever the big spender,” Delilah said. “I’ll deliver your requests to Detective Hatcher right away. Good day Mr. Battler. Ms. Fighter.”

“Good day,” I replied.

I hanged up the phone.

“You’re lucky to have her,” VGRF said.

“The top lawyer in Hollywood representing a guy with a blog that caters to a mere 3.5 readers?” I asked. “Uh…yeah, I think so.”

“She’s very loyal,” VGRF said.

“True,” I said. “And if there’s one quality you can’t get enough of in the zombie apocalypse, it’s loyalty.”

I dialed another number on the space phone.

“That reminds me. Time to call another zombie author.”

Tagged Comedy, funny, history, humor, mysteries, pop culture, Pop Culture Mysteries, self publishing, selfpublishing, world war 2, zombie, zombies

Oct 19 2015

#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 19 Interview – Eric A. Shelman – It’s Never Too Late

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

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Today’s guest is Eric A. Shelman, author of the Dead Hunger series. Readers can follow the journey of Flex, his niece Trina, Gem, Hemp and Charlie as they make their way through a zombie infested world.

Eric’s first book was a non-fiction work. Co-authored with Dr. Stephen Lazoritz, Out of the Darkness: The Story of Mary Ellen Wilson tells the story of the first successful rescue of an abused child in America. Specifically, nine-year old Mary Ellen was saved from a terrible situation in 1874 by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, or ASPCA. The case shined a much needed light on the dangers children face and was the precursor to many of the child abuse prevention laws in place today.

Thanks for helping me out today, Eric.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=ERIC

Q. Zombies. They shuffle along. They groan and grunt. They eat brains. You’d think authors would have run out of ways to make them unique and original by now but sure enough, writers are always coming up with new spins on the zombie genre. How do they do it and what’s your secret?

A. Zombies can absolutely be shufflers and shamblers and have some new features, too. My Dead Hunger series has several interesting aspects to it; the very process that reanimated them also incorporated other chemical reactions within the zombies, which I suppose is to be expected. These reactions became abilities. This is even more true in my females who were pregnant when they turned. What in nature is created – no matter how it’s created – without any offensive or defensive skills? The lowly cow is even designed with its eyes on the sides of its head so that it has better peripheral vision to assist it in escaping predators before it’s too late. Birds have talons, sharp beaks and great eyesight. Most creatures are equipped for the task at hand. Why not zombies, too?

Q. My first observation about Dead Hunger is the collection of characters. People from different backgrounds working together for survival. There’s scientist/mechanical engineer Hemp, punk rocker Charlie, Flex the electrician and Gem the artist. What is it about a zombie apocalypse that brings people together? Would these folks have likely bothered with one another without a common threat facing them?

A. I believe in any apocalyptic situation, you’re going to encounter compatibles and non-compatibles. The latter you’ll just say hi and bye to, but the former you’ll try to get to come along. Sometimes the latter want to kill you and take your stuff! That’s when you’re forced to take them out. But with regard to Flex and Gem, of course they’d have been together … eventually. They were once together, after all. No, they would likely have never met the likes of Hemp and Charlie, and Hemp and Charlie would never have encountered one another, but that’s the beauty of a disaster, right? Giving strange bedfellows a chance to actually become “familiar bedfellows.” AND to find out that the other isn’t so strange after all.

Q. Hemp experiments on zombies in a mobile lab to figure out what makes them tick. While I don’t mean to ask for spoilers, do you have any general thoughts on zombie physiology? Are there any prevailing theories on what could, hypothetically speaking, cause a human to become zombified?

A. In Dead Hunger, each individual cell within the zombie’s body is converted into a meat-seeking entity. If you were to take a lil’ microscopic chunk of raw beef and insert it into the epidermis of a zombie, all the neighboring cells would zip right in and devour it. Because the eyes still work, and the senses that ramp up hunger, the muscles coordinate and move in the direction of sustenance. Yeah, that would be us … human meat. So … my zombies reanimate on a cellular level – whatever the hell that even means.

Q. On your author page, you mention that in 1999, after writing a 53,000 word book about witches and reincarnation, you couldn’t figure out how to finish it and ended up on a twelve year writing hiatus only to be inspired by reading about the success of other zombie authors on Facebook. It’s never to late to pick up a delayed dream, is it? For anyone who’s set a goal aside for awhile, what advice would you have to motivate him/her to pick it up, dust it off and give it another try?

A. I was a fool to have quit writing for so long. Imagine all the fiction I could’ve produced in that decade? I mean, I’ve got 15 books now, and 11 of them were written just since 2011. Just FOUR years! So yes – it’s never too late to start pursuing your dream of becoming whatever it is you want to become. It’s important to remember though, that in my early writing career, I sent out queries and did all the things you’re supposed to do. I never really had any success back then. All that rejection helped me hone and polish my skills, though, and I believe every writer has to do the work and experience that negative feedback in order to figure out where improvement is needed. As for me, I guess maybe I needed that additional dozen years for things to become easier for individuals, through programs and offerings such as CreateSpace, Kindle and ACX for audiobook production. They made it possible for me to kick the old guard to the curb and hatch my own creations. Some of what we indies put out are hits – others misses. I hope my readers feel I’ve given them more hits than otherwise.

Q. You’ve also written non-fiction with the case of Mary Ellen Wilson. What drew you into writing about this case?

A. Back in the mid-nineties, I was ready to write a novel. I was a big fan of horror, and had written several short horror stories, but found that the market for publication of these stories seemed to be shrinking. The logical next step was to go all out and finally just write a book. I discovered a book of what were deemed “amazing-but-true” stories, and thought I would take one of those “true” stories and use it as the basis for a horror novel. Within the book, I discovered the story of a little nine-year-old girl named Mary Ellen, who, in 1874, was rescued from her abusive home by the American Society for the Cruelty to Animals. (ASPCA) I immediately became interested, as it was essentially the story of the beginning of the child protection movement, but nobody had ever written about her before.

After researching her case, I began the book. With more research, I found the man who would eventually become my co-author, Dr. Stephen Lazoritz. He was a pediatrician who specialized in child abuse cases. Together, we made connections that allowed us to be the ONLY people in America to secure a copy of the court transcripts for the trial that prosecuted Mary Ellen’s foster mother, Mary Connolly. These transcripts also allowed us to complete the book, with all of the newfound knowledge the transcripts contained. The book was released in 1999, and since that time, thousands have been sold and both Stephen and I have spoken at national conferences and on CSPAN-2’s Book TV. (1999)

Q. For those interested in writing non-fiction, do you have any tips to share?

A. Find a compelling story that nobody’s written enough about – then write about it! Figure out how you want to impart the information, and have a LOT of people read it before you publish it.

Q. Eric, thanks for offering your expertise in light of my zombie infestation. Before I go, do you have any list minute words of wisdom that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

Get a good group of loyal people around you and get to a remote location where you don’t have far to go for food and water supplies. Develop defenses – spiked pits, anything that can get between you and them. Set up makeshift alarms in the woods – use cowbells. Zombies run into shit. So that’s pretty much it! Oh, yeah … try to figure out what caused it, because that might help you figure out how it can be stopped, at least on an individual basis.

Tagged amwriting, books, Fiction, indie publishing, non fiction, nonfiction, self publishing, selfpublishing, writers, writing, zombie apocalypse, zombies

Oct 19 2015

Bookshelf Q. Battledog’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 19

MEANWHILE AT BOOKSHELF BATTLE HEADQUARTERS…

Bookshelf Q. Battledog, Head of Security for BQB HQ

Woof. Woof woof. Woof.

TRANSLATION: Should I live to be a thousand years old I shall never and hopefully will never experience another happenstance as horrid as the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse. The dead arising from the grave, evil beasts in the form of once trusted humans now engaging in that most repulsive activities, namely, the most brutal consumption of human brains. Oh ye wicked cannibals, may you never know the wickedness of your heinous deeds lest ye weep until the end of time and forever more upon the grim realization of the atrocities you have committed as the result of your zombified condition most foul.

Woof woof. Woof woof. Woof! Woof? Woof woof woof woof woof.

TRANSLATION: Truly, an unenviable task is my charge, that of course being the safety and security of the Bookshelf Battle Headquarters, the menacing structure which houses a) BQB’s blogging operations b) his action figure collection and c) most importantly, his magic bookshelf. The latter item provides the most difficult challenge, as surely there are many unscrupulous individuals in the world who yearn to get their unclean hands on a bookshelf that contains great power. ‘Tis a burden I would not wish on my greatest enemy, a lowly cat, let alone myself.

WOOF!

TRANSLATION: Outside, hideous zombies claw at the walls, trying to gain entry into BQB HQ. As a layperson or rather, a laydog, I am uncertain of the science of it all. If a zombie should bite me, will I become a zombie dog? If a zombie bites Video Game Rack Fighter Cat, will he become a zombie cat? If a zombie bites another zombie, does that zombie become a zombie zombie? Fi, oh mine miserable mind, thou surely produceth questions of the utmost import and yet they go unanswered. Despair, thy name is Bookshelf Q. Battledog and yet I must retain my composure and project forth a demeanor of intrepid fortitude for if those who call BQB HQ home learn that even their noble Head of Security is in doubt, then morale shall suffer greatly and all shall be lost.

Nay zombies, move on I say, move on! For as the great Winston Churchill said, “We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the air, we shall fight them in the streets, we shall never give up, we shall never surrender!” and while those wise words were made in relation to the Nazi scourge I for one argue that they are equally germane to the zombie menace lurking outside these fortified walls.

Woof.

TRANSLATION: And thus, I must bring this post to an end, for parting is such sweet sorrow. Bookshelf Q. Battler fear not, for thy HQ is in good paws – paws of a canine who pledge to do all within his power to protect your compound and especially your magic bookshelf from the zombified masses.

Godspeed, good sir, for it is now time for you to contact another zombie author.

Woof woof.

TRANSLATION: P.S. I pooped on your bed.

Tagged amwriting, Comedy, dogs, funny, Halloween, humor, pets, stories, zombies

Oct 18 2015

#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 18 Interview – Deirdre Gould – Maine Prepping and Self-Publishing

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon Website

Twitter

My guest today is Deirdre Gould, who has strategically placed herself in Maine, where cold temperatures make the zombies run slower and remote isolation means zombifying viruses take longer to spread. Better yet, harsh storms make it so no one thinks Deirdre’s crazy for prepping.

In other words, she finds it to be a primo spot for writing the After the Cure series, which chronicles a world in which “the December Plague” has turned humans into violent, bloodthirsty, cannibalistic monsters.

I just hope they don’t eat me. I taste awful.

Let me see if I can Deirdre on the space phone.

Q. Hello Deirdre. Are you a prepper and if so, I’ll ask the question I’ve posed to other prepper authors this month. Why? Are we all doomed or is it just a better safe and sorry thing?

A. Hello BQB, things are getting pretty dodgy for you and your comrades! I hope I can help! Am I a prepper? Well, yes and no. What lots of folks forget about Maine is that most of it is very, very rural. And in the winter, when the tourists go home, even the cities are kind of rural. There are some places, like my home town, that first got electricity within my lifetime (and I’m in my 30s). Not only was a significant portion of my childhood spent without running water or electricity, but even after we got put on the grid, it wasn’t reliable. For a long time, it wasn’t unusual for the power to go out at least once a week. It’s still pretty normal for it to go down once a month or so. And although our power workers are truly the best, it’s a big state (landwise) and once the power goes out, it could be out for a few hours or several days.

As recently as the 1998 ice storm, my family spent two full weeks with no power and no running water. And winter up here is no joke. You know that Stephen King book. The Storm of the Century? Yeah, we have one of those at least every year. Really. Had to turn one of the kids over to Linoge like six years ago. So almost everyone has a wood stove, most rural places still have an old hand pump well (and someone that lives there knows how to prime it and is constantly reminding people not to fall in), and lots of us have pantries stocked full at any given moment. Especially because we can our own goods. And because for many people, the closest grocery store is forty five minutes to an hour away (everything is very spread out here). Solar panels are big here, when people can afford them. Homemade windmills too.

But I don’t know anyone who has a bunker, unless it’s been turned into a root cellar after the Soviet Union collapsed. Or a gun unless it’s for deer hunting. While a packed pantry is good, I try not to store more than about six months worth of anything, it’s just not practical for my particular family. And while Mainers have a reputation for being curt or crotchety, we really do take care of our neighbors instead of try to hide what we’ve got from them. And I know there are lots of very generous preppers out there who do the same, but I’ve also heard stories about secret storehouses and guarded water sources. But probably somewhere in the back of almost every Mainer’s mind is the memory of someone helping them out when they most needed it. Whether it was being rescued from an icy accident, sharing water with each other during the ice storm, or that emergency delivery of wood or oil in the worst part of February, we’ve all got them. Even in this modern world, we wouldn’t survive out here without each other. Besides, having the neighbors over is an excuse for a party. I like to think of us more as the Hobbits of the Prepper world. We do it because it makes good sense, and because we are always expecting company. Not because we’re all doomed.

Q. Soap. Water. Tacos. iPads. Netflix. Showers. All these great inventions become lost in a zombie apocalypse. Why do zombie fans fantasize about a world where all these things we take for granted are lost?

A. I think it’s that old urge to pit man against nature. We want to imagine that we are tough enough to measure up without our crutches. We’ve conquered every bit of this old earth (there’s even a litter problem on Everest and tourists in Antarctica), so there’s no place left for those that feel that drive to explore, to prove that rugged individualistic streak. Much of apocalyptic fiction is concerned with the end of civilization, of course, but why? Is it because there is something inherently wrong with showers and readily available bacon? For the majority of these stories, no. It’s not really about damning our current way of life (though lots of these stories contain “warnings”), it’s about wanting to do better. About wanting to be better. But we all know we are creatures of habit. We won’t stop what we like unless we’re forced to. We won’t make a better world until the one we live in is destroyed. These stories aren’t about losing technology and history and massive portions of the population. That’s just a byproduct. The real story is about the people that emerge when they are forced to do without. To do without modern implements, without the convenience and interconnectedness of society, even to do without the most basic and precious commodity we have, other humans and their brain power (cause it’s being snacked on). It’s about being alone in an unfamiliar world and not only surviving, but making that world a better place. Starting fresh. That’s what we all really want to do. Start fresh.

Q. You provide your readers with an interesting spin on the zompoc genre, namely, your series begins “after the cure” has been found. This cure turns the Infected back to normal, regular humans but alas, they have to live with the realization of all the horrible things they’ve done.

I hate to ask for spoilers, but here’s the question that pops into my mind. A zombie turns back to normal. Should we blame him for eating other humans or should we be all like, “It’s cool, man. You were a zombie.”

A. No worries, that’s not really a spoiler, that’s one of the biggest questions of the series and why I started writing it in the first place. Remember that the non-zombies aren’t totally innocent either. They would have had to kill to survive as well. In the world of After the Cure, some of the Immunes killed even when they didn’t have to. But they didn’t know that the zombies would be cured. Should we blame them too? How does a society function when everyone is a killer? You’d think that it would just fall apart. But we know, from our own human history, that it happens. We don’t have zombies, but we do have war and atrocity and cruelty. But when the war is over, when the conflict is resolved, people still have to go home. Maybe their neighbor was on the opposing side. Maybe their boss at work betrayed them to the opposing side. Maybe their grocer was their prison camp guard. But somehow, life goes on, people still interact, even when it seems incomprehensible. So that’s a running theme throughout the series. Who is guilty? Who is evil? How do people live not only with their neighbors, but with their own memories?

Q. In the first book of the series, a court psychologist and a defense attorney work to bring those responsible for the virus to justice. I could be wrong here, but I can’t think of another zombie apocalypse series where the reader actually gets to see a zombie apocalypse end and people turn their attention towards rebuilding society. How did you come up with the idea for this?

A. Actually, it was from reading truckloads of zombie books! I love them, I can’t get enough of them, even the ones that fall into a sort of formula. But after tome number gazillion and one, I realized that the causes of zombieism were always kind of limited. For the most part, it was either a deadly virus or some chemical spill that caused zombies (with an occasional voodoo spell or electrical malfunction thrown in). But I’d never seen a zombie story where a bacteria was involved. That’s it, that was where it started. I started to wonder why nobody ever used a bacteria, and I realized that it was because a bacteria had the potential for an antibiotic, a cure, where a virus didn’t. It violated one of the most cherished rules of zombieism: They can’t be cured, so all you can do is kill them. It’s part of the “fun” of zombie fiction. There is no moral quandary about killing them because they can’t come back. They aren’t “people” anymore. Zombies who can’t be cured might as well be a tornado or locusts or a volcano, just a natural disaster to be avoided or beaten. But what if that rule changed? What if people discovered that not only could the zombies be cured, but that once they were cured, they could remember everything that had happened while they were sick? And what if they found out late? Really, really late.

If they were anything like us, the first thing they’d do is try to find someone or something to blame for what had happened. Something to excuse their own guilt. That’s why the trial became the initial frame for this world. But are the defendants really guilty or just convenient scapegoats?

Q. What motivated you to start writing?

A. I’m one of those weird people who never wanted to start doing this for real. I mean, I’ve enjoyed writing since I was a little girl, but I never wanted to be a writer. I went to school for something very different, but when I was in college my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I took a year and a half off from school to help her. It meant many, many really long days of driving and sitting in doctor’s offices and hospitals (remember, everything is far away in Maine!). So to amuse myself, I started writing a novel. I didn’t finish it and set it aside for a long time, but I thought about it often and I’d add a bit here and there. Finally, the year my oldest child was born, I heard about Nanowrimo and decided I was going to finish this book (I think it had been about 7 years since I started it at that point). At the end of November I had a draft and put it away. Three years later, I’d been laid off from my copywriting job and struggling to find something else and honestly just couldn’t find anything. So I sat down and worked on the book for another year. I pretended it was just going to be for me, that I didn’t care about anyone reading it, but I started reading all these sites by agents anyway. Finishing the book made me more confident and I started working on other things, just for fun. I submitted a few pieces but everything I was reading on the agent sites convinced me that I shouldn’t even bother trying. Nobody ever took on new writers any more. I had a better chance of winning the lottery as being picked up by even an agent, let alone a publisher. And then I heard about KDP. I decided I had nothing to lose, and posted one of my finished novels, just to see what would happen. It was addictive. I got sucked in. I still considered it a hobby, something for my spare time, pretty much until last year when I started hearing from readers. Then it started to get serious, because someone besides me actually cared what happened to my characters. I’m now firmly entrenched and I actually sometimes feel guilty because I enjoy doing this so much, it feels like I’m goofing off instead of working a “real” job.

Q. Thanks for talking with me today. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice for my friends and I that might help us survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A. Well, you are a couple of weeks in now, you’ve probably got some nicks and scrapes by now. You are going to want to keep any wounds clean and free from infection. In a world where antibiotics will be hard to find, you are going to need some easy alternatives or else that blister on your foot could mean amputation in a few weeks, or worse. Honey is a great topical antibiotic. It can be rubbed directly onto small wounds to fight off infection before you bandage them. For internal or systemic bacteria (like listeria from that bad deli meat you ate from the mall after the coolers lost power), if you have a silver dollar or a piece of real silverware, some water, and a battery, you can make some colloidal silver to fight that nasty bug off. Use too muc, though and your skin will turn a lovely shade of blue, permanently. If you listened to Sarah Lyons Fleming on day one, you probably have some baby wipes to clean yourself, but what are you doing about those nasty blood spattered weapons? Those things are crawling with zombie virus. Washing them won’t completely kill the germs, so you’ll need to find some copper. The pipes in your building probably aren’t doing much good now, if the electricity is off. Hack off a length of copper pipe. At night (or whenever you stop to flop down, exhausted from the near constant run/slaughter/run combo) place your pipe over the weapons. In two hours or so, almost all the germs will be gone, even a foot away from the actual copper! Here’s hoping you make it to day 19!

Tagged 31zombieauthors, amwriting, authors, bacteria, bookbloggers, books, horror, horror writer, horror writers, indie authors, indie books, indie publishing, maine, preppers, prepping, science, self publishing, selfpublishing, stephen king, viruses, writers, zombie, zombie apocalypse, zombies

Oct 18 2015

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 18

“Deputy Mayor Battler! Deputy Mayor Battler!”

As I strolled through the gym, my constituents peppered me with questions.

“We’re running low on gas.”

“People are eating too much.”

“I can’t find my shoes.”

“Ration, ration, and they’re on your feet,” were my immediate answers.

“BQB,” VGRF said. “Is it me or are you more decisive lately?”

“Well, I have been taking alpha male lessons from Gillian Zane, so could be.”

The DiStefano brothers found me.

Carl showed me his cell phone. On it, there was a video of a large group of people wearing gas masks and toting assault rifles walking past the security fence.

“We scoped this guys near the north perimeter,” Carl said. “What do you make of it?”

“Are they military?” I asked.

“I don’t think so,” Carl replied. “Shit, they’re all in plain clothes.”

“Huh,” I said. “Did they see you?”

“Yup.”

“And they didn’t interact?”

“Nope they just moved on.”

“Weird,” I said. “Could be someone trying to make a move on us. Could be just another group of survivors passing by. Keep an eye on it and let me know if anything happens.”

“Sure thing, Deputy Mayor.”

The DiStefanos walked away.

I sat on the bleachers with VGRF. We gabbed it up for awhile until Mario Guzman found me.

Before the fall of humanity, Mario had been an accountant. Today, he used his CPA skills to keep a running inventory of all our supplies.

“Deputy Mayor, can I show you something?”

“Sure.”

VGRF and I followed Mario to the rec center’s storage room. It was full of boxed and canned food, nothing tasty of course, but everything was chock full of preservatives and guaranteed to last a long time.

Mario closed the door behind us.

“We’re being robbed.”

“What?” I asked.

“There’s a thief in our midst,” Mario said as he showed me a clip board.

“I have no idea what these numbers mean,” I said. “I hate math.”

“I’ve been keeping a daily count of everything we have since our community began,” Mario said. “So far, the numbers have added up but a few days ago, I noticed we’ve been consistently down ten percent of everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything!” Mario replied. “Look. Powdered milk -10%. Toilet paper -10%. Bottled water – 10%. Cereal -10% Rice – 10%. If it was just one or two items I wouldn’t be worried but someone is pilfering our stuff regularly.”

“Who has access to this room?” I asked.

“Just Hauser and his inner circle of advisors,” Mario said.

“Let’s change that,” I said. “Put a trustworthy guard in charge of this room. Anyone who enters has to sign themselves in and out and note what they’re taking. The guard will keep an eye on people while they’re in here to make sure no funny business transpires.”

“You’ve got it,” Mario said as he exited the room.

VGRF and I were alone. My girlfriend rubbed her hands on my chest and leaned in.

“I think I’m going to like this new you.”

“Yeah well, get used to it, baby. I’m alpha nerd all the way now.”

VGRF leaned in for a kiss.

“Is that a space phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“It’s a space phone,” I replied. “Speaking of, there’s a zombie author I’d better call.”

Tagged amwriting, Comedy, funny, Halloween, horror, humor, stories, writing, zombies

#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 17 Interview – Jeremy Laszlo – The E-Mail That Launched a Self-Publishing Career

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

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Today’s guest is Jeremy Laszlo, the best-selling author of over thirty novels, including the Left Alive series, which chronicles the journey of Charles as he strives to make good on a promise to his dying wife to deliver their children to safety in the midst of a zombie infested nightmare of a world.

Jeremy’s works have broken the top ten of over ninety Amazon lists by genre, at times reaching the top ten of all books on Amazon.

Our noble scribe resides in Louisiana, where threats to his well-being include alligators, oversized mosquitos, and scorching temperatures. Luckily, he avoids all that by chilling out in his air conditioned workspace, where he spends most of his time either writing or being boxed by children wearing cartoonishly large Hulk hands.

A pleasure to speak with you, Jeremy.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=JEREMY

Q. When it comes to a good zombie apocalypse novel, how much do the zombies actually matter? Is it the zombies themselves that attract readers or the threat of a lawless, no holds barred post-society world that said zombies represent? Would it be possible to replace the zombies with hurricanes, tornadoes, plagues, or locusts and achieve the same result?

A. First, thanks for having me. I think the notion of zombies really pulls from a deeper, darker, cruder portion of the human psyche. There is a part of everyone that craves chaos, especially in a world such as ours where there are rules and limitations enforced on every aspect of our lives. Zombies simply play into that less evolved portion of who we are. In a story, they don’t need to be the driving force, they certainly aren’t in my LEFT ALIVE series. But that element of devolved, cannibalistic people adds a dark edge to any story that readers can really associate with.

Q. You’ve written so many novels. Where do you get the ideas from? For those of us who whine about writer’s block or a lack of inspiration, do you have any advice?

A. I do write a lot. I’m actually shooting for 4 more releases before the end of the year, including another zombie trilogy. Ideas come from everywhere. My family and life experiences are a great source of inspiration. Truthfully though, most of my books start with a ‘What if’ scenario. It is really the building block for all of my novels, and a concept I explain in detail in my ‘Kindle Fiction Mastery’ book aimed to help struggling writers. For the LEFT ALIVE series, I simply asked myself what would happen if a strain of genetically modified fertilizer had unintended mutations and ruined the world’s ecosystem killing all plants on Earth. You can see how that alone could be an entire series of apocalyptic books (Coming soon), but what if coming into contact with the infected soil had consequences as well? What if it deteriorated neurons and brain tissue? That is how my zombies were born.

Q. I read an interview on “The Bearded Scribe” in which you discuss how an errant email convinced you to go the self-publishing route. Specifically, you submitted your work to a traditional publishing house only to receive an e-mail from a pair of interns joking about how one of them had just batch rejected 600 authors. (Note to readers – watch out for that ‘Reply All’ button!)

Could you explain how this experience convinced you to take control of your own destiny as a writer?

A. Ah yes… the intern. He will end up a character in one of my novels, eventually. I simply haven’t decided how to kill him yet.

What can I say? It was not only a direct blow to my own confidence as a writer, but also an eye-opening moment about the REAL state of the publishing industry.

The old model of publishing doesn’t care an ounce about writers. They actually artificially control supply and demand by doing precisely what was done to me, and batch rejecting the vast majority of writers without so much as reading the first word of their work. By limiting the number of books published, they can create a false sense of limited choices, and herd readers like cattle to purchase what they produce, simply because it was all that was available. They controlled trends in genres. They controlled the prices of books. They controlled who and what got published, and in many cases it was more about who you knew, rather than how well you wrote.

The intern laughing about rejecting my work without even reading it, along with nearly 600 others, was just the final straw. There was really no reason to wait around while agent after agent and publisher after publisher form rejected my work (even though some showed interest).

There was another option, and I went all in. Since then, I’ve met a ton of wonderful authors and a great community of people built around those authors. I’ve self-taught myself in graphic design to create the majority of my covers. I’ve spent countless hours learning the secrets of writing, publishing, marketing and promotion. There really isn’t anything writers can’t do for themselves. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t entertain a publishing contract from a large publishing house. I certainly would. But they’d better have some respect, and understand that I can do it on my own.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Yes! Viva la revolucion!

Q. One of my 3.5 readers is a big orc fan and I noticed you’re also the author of the Orc Destiny series which follows the adventures of Orc warrior Gnak.

For me, this begs a question for the ages. Orcs vs. zombies – who wins in that scenario?

A. That is a tough question, but one that is sort of answered in the Orc Destiny trilogy. Orcs actually fight the undead in the series! That said, Orcs win. Hands down. Every time. Why? Because Orcs, that’s why. They’re big, hulking warriors. They fear nothing and kill everything. I’m a big fan myself.

Q. You’re a marine. Thank you for your service. How does that experience come into play with your writing?

A. You’re welcome…? That’s always been awkward for me. I appreciate your appreciation, truly.

Being a Marine is hard to explain. It isn’t just a way of life, it becomes a part of who and what you are. I suppose the obvious would be to say that my battle and fight scenes are probably a tad more graphic than many writers. I don’t shy away from the gore and the real emotion of the battlefield. But it goes further than that. Marines are known around the world for being determined and focused. We don’t surrender. Ever. The same goes with my writing. I knew I could do it, and I refused to let a few rejections deter me. I have the focus and stamina of a Marine, which allows me to sit and write until a story is finished. The third novel of my Blood and Brotherhood Saga, The Changing, is 87,000 words long and I wrote it in three days. I don’t intend to quit. Not even when my name is known in every household around the world.

Q. Your books have topped various Amazon charts. What’s your secret?

A. Determination. Experimentation. Research. Commitment. That’s what it really boils down to. If you want to be a writer, first and foremost you have to write and keep writing. No matter what. Then you have to learn the business side of being an Author. It isn’t a part time job. If you write as a hobby, it will always be a hobby. If you want success, you have to earn it toiling away countless hours learning the ins and outs of the industry. Or, of course, you could read my Fiction Masters series, which details much of what I’ve learned these past years and how to employ my secrets and strategies.

Q. Jeremy, thanks for your help. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A. If the media tells us anything, it’s be a redneck with a crossbow. Not only will you be a badass, but troves of women will follow you anywhere. If you’re going to survive the apocalypse, if might be nice to have a lot of… um… company.

If you can’t be a redneck, use bait. Use your brain, and be evil… it’s an advantage. I suggest driving an iron rod deep into the ground in the middle of your yard. Place a ring of cars around the rod, leaving a clearing between them about twenty feet wide. Then, go find a young guy. A healthy one. One that acts like he was probably an asshat before the apocalypse. Befriend him. Team up with him. When he’s sleeping, tie him up and cut off one of his feet. Don’t forget a tourniquet just above the ankle so he doesn’t bleed out. Then chain him to the stake in the middle of the cars. Now you have your bait.

He’ll scream, which will attract the zombies, but that’s ok, because you’re going to move off a safe distance and pick off the zombies as they struggle to get over the ring of cars. It’s not only entertainment, but it will also help to clean up the neighborhood. And don’t worry about whether or not it is humane. It is a kill or be killed world, and you’ll certainly be thought of as a hero, which leads us back to having lots of company.

Oh, and food… nah, never mind the food. Just put a sign up that says “Cellphones work here” with an arrow pointing towards the ring of cars. The idiots will likely have food. Let the zombies handle the idiots, you can collect their food later. After all, you have company to entertain.

Aside from that, if you have any questions about the apocalypse or zombies you can get in touch through my website at www.jeremylaszlo.com

Or Facebook at www.facebook.com/bloodandbrotherhood

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Well, I’ve got to hand it to you, Jeremy. You sure put a lot of thought into that last question. Thanks for stopping by!

Tagged 31zombieauthors, amwriting, author interviews, bookbloggers, books, horror, indie authors, indie book discovery, indie books be seen, indie publishing, indie writers, marines, publishing, self publishing, selfpublishing, traditional publishing, writers, writing, writingtips, zombie apocalypse, zombies

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 17

Fort Hauser aka the new name for the East Randomtown Park/Rec Center, ran like a finely tuned precision race car.

Everyone had their job and despite the chaos brewing outside the fence, people worked hard to do what they could to make life on the inside better.

Doug and his squad went on daily scavenger missions. I wanted to help but I knew that Morganstern would, as promised, launch a cruise missile up my ass as soon as he spotted me through one of his surveillance drones.

Technically, that made no sense. Wouldn’t Morganstern, if anything, shove a missile “down my throat?” Because if a missile is coming from the sky, it would have to come downward to get me. It wouldn’t come down and then go up my ass.

You know what? Forget it. Let’s not quibble about semantics.

Besides, Doug insisted I stay on the premises to provide leadership as Deputy Mayor in his stead.

Since all the residents were so well disciplined, the job was mostly ceremonial, and thus I was left with plenty of time to write.

And that was good, since Alien Jones’ boss, the Mighty Potentate, had threatened to conquer the Earth in the event that I die before delivering a novel written well enough to inspire the masses to abandon reality television.

The Mighty Potentate – Earth’s new ruler if BQB doesn’t write the best novel ever before he dies. So yeah, sorry Earth.

Talk about pressure.

I sat in the computer lab and clicked away:

The Amazing Adventures of Johnny Gunhands

“No,” I said. “It needs to be catchier.”

Alien Jones, having nothing better to do, sat in a chair next to me and acted as an instant critic to every word I typed.

“The Mighty Potentate will demand more gusto.”

I retyped the title.

Johnny Gunhands: A Farewell to Hands

“I don’t get it,” Alien Jones said. “And I get everything as I hail from a genius species.”

“It’s a play on Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms,” I explained. “This will be the first part of the series, the origin story in which we learn how Johnny not only lost his hands, but how they were replaced with guns.”

“First part of a series?” AJ asked. “You mean you intend to write MORE of this schlock?”

“Every writer always intends to write more of their schlock now,” I said. “Build a good fanbase and you can keep your stories going on forever.”

“I just don’t see much of a market for Johnny Gunhands,” AJ replied.

“Well, if you have another idea for a book that will ween the masses off of reality television, I’m all ears,” I said.

“As a matter of fact, I do!”

Alien Jones pulled the keyboard away from me and typed out the following synopsis:

Ms. Humphrey’s Way

Riddled with disease, desperation and despair, drug addict Vanessa Humphrey wages an uphill battle to get clean and sober. Rather than continue to ignore the personal demons that drove her to such a lowly state, she faces them and in doing so, overcomes them.

Years later, Vanessa has turned her life around and is now well-respected English teacher, Ms. Humphrey, who uses lessons from Shakespeare’s plays to convince troubled inner city youth to better themselves.

Ms. Humphrey takes a particular interest in one of her pupils, the depressed yet talented Arnold Baker. Arnold’s short story has the potential to win him a four year college scholarship, but he’ll need Ms. Humphrey’s assistance to see the project through.

Along the way, Ms. Humphrey discovers that Arnold is in fact the child she gave up for adoption years before in her addict days.

Is the learning disability that makes it difficult for Arnold to record his ideas into written form Vanessa’s fault for hitting the crack pipe hard while she was pregnant?

Is it possible for a woman to change her life so dramatically so as to become completely unrecognizable to her former self? Should society blame people for past sins forever?

And will it ever be possible for Vanessa to forgive herself?

All these questions and more will be answered as Ms. Humphrey must make a crucial decision:

Should she reveal to Arnold that she is his real mother or should she leave well enough alone?

“That’s all yours if you want it,” Alien Jones said as he handed the keyboard back to me.

I read his synopsis.

The Esteemed Literary One

“This is poignant,” I said. “Breathtaking. Brilliant. It will win every major literary award and will surely be turned into an Academy Award winning film…”

“Why thank you,” Alien Jones said.

“…that only 3.5 people will bother to see! Get your head out of your ass!”

“I don’t have an ass!”

“Well get one and get your head out of it,” I said. “No more schmaltzy awards bait! Action and explosions are the only things that put asses into seats! Johnny Gunhands it is!”

“As if you’ll ever fling that turd past the traditional publishing goalie,” Alien Jones said. “The traditional publishing world is nothing if not a community of high standards.”

“Four words for you,” I said as I typed them out onto the screen:

Christian Grey flavored popsicle.

“OK you’ve got me there,” Alien Jones said. “Still, you shouldn’t cut off any options. Consider self-publishing your Johnny Gunhands nonsense if no one in the traditional world bites.”

“Good idea,” I said. “I better consult a zombie author about this.”

Tagged aliens, books, digital publishing, horror, publishing, Science Fiction, scifi, self publishing, selfpublishing, writers, writing, zombie apocalypse, zombies

WANTED FOR QUESTIONING IN THE EAST RANDOMTOWN ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE – AN NN1 SPECIAL REPORT

A NETWORK NEWS ONE SPECIAL REPORT

Dr. Hugo Von Science, a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, is wanted for questioning in connection to the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.

A source close to the investigation informs NN1’s Hot Ass Blonde Chick Reporter that Dr. Von Science has not been named an official suspect at this time, but it is believed he may have information as to how the undead outbreak occurred.

Dr. Von Science’s distinguishing characteristics include:

Lab coat and blackout goggles – he never leaves home without them.
Refers to everyone as, “mein leipshin.”
Often seen carrying around beakers of suspicious fluid. Some claim they contain highly corrosive acid. Others believe he just likes to drink soda out of beakers.

Authorities advise you to not approach Dr. Hugo Von Science if you see him, as he is believed to have approximately 3-5 “Incredible Exploding Chinchillas” on his person at all times and isn’t afraid to use them.

Next up on Network News One…which brand of lunch meat is giving you syphilis? Put that sandwich down until after these commercial messages, sports, and weather…

Tagged amwriting, Comedy, funny, humor, science, Science Fiction, scifi, You Can't Argue with Science, zombies