Bookshelf Battle

A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal

A Six Part Book Series

AUTHOR:  Joel LL Torrow

PUBLISHER:  Drunken Elf Publishing Concern

YEARS OF PUBLICATION: 1985-Present

Character butcher.  Fantasy master.  Hat and vest enthusiast.  Santa Clause look alike.

Prolific writer Joel LL Torrow has been called these names and more, though “Fat Pay Cable Check Casher” would be more suitable if it weren’t for the fact that he refuses to allow his fame and fortune to go to his head, opting instead to live just a notch or two above an Amish person.

He still uses DOS.  He still utilizes an ancient blogging site.  And we’re fairly certain he churns his own butter, though we’venever seen him do it.

Joel LL Torrow, Author of the Dirge of Murder and Betrayal Series

Where other writers have crumpled up their pages, declared their work to be too farfetched and thrown it into the trash can, Torrow was the man who boldly declared, “I’m going to pen an elaborately complicated series of fantasy books geared toward adults even though children are typically the fantasy genre’s target audience, AND it’s going to involve over 928 main characters AND I’m going to kill them all off constantly in weird unexpected ways.”

Yup.  He said all that.  I heard him.

Modest to a fault yet always good to his fans, Torrow recently held a Q and A session with his biggest fan, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Queen Anara “Annie” Mistwake and her horse before it was transformed into a damn pegasus.

The following is the reading order of the series, along with a brief synopsis of each book:

Book 1 – A Match of Wits – All is well in the Kingdom of Wentzlendale.  The citizens prosper, the crops grow thick, and the various ruling clans get along famously.  Alas, peace is torn asunder when the dimwitted King Winkytiddles trips and falls down five hundred flights of stairs yet miraculously, manages to survive until he rolls out into a nearby pig farm and is eaten by ravenous swine, who leap on the chance for revenge against a Kingdom who has seen them as nothing but a source of bacon.

Weber and Sasha Prissypants, who respectively, hold the illustrious titles of Duke and Duchess of Shabadoo, believe their time has come.  Days before his passing, Winkytiddles drew up his last will and testament, which clearly states that the crown shall transfer to the Duke, since Winkytiddles had no heirs, as he had never married because all women found him hideous and weird and all the gold pieces in the royal treasury were not enough to compensate.

But the Cleric of Chutzington has something up his sleeve.  Tiddlywinks was, in secret, madly in love to a pillow he drew a face on, so much so that he pretended the pillow was his wife and even referred to three smaller throw pillows as their children.  The oldest, or rather, the pillow Windkytiddles had sewn first had a boy’s face drawn on it and thus, threw a series of backroom deals, the Cleric convinces the Holy Keepers of the Kingdom to declare pillows to be people, thus mandating by law that the crown passes to Prince Stuffy the First, the deceased King’s eldest pillow son.

BOOK 2 – In the Pillow King’s Name – Clan Prissypants declares this turn of events to be outrageous.  In a stirring speech, the Duke of Shabadoo declares, “It’s a f&*king pillow for f^%’s sake!”  Clans Sprankledank and Gibblegobble agree, and the three march toward Wentzenfort, the capital of Wentzlendale, prepared to sack the city and take control of the Kingdom.  They unite under a banner emblazoned with the motto that becomes the title of Book 3.

BOOK 3 – It’s a F&*KING PILLOW FOR F%*K’S SAKE! – Clans Dooradox, Schpratzenpatz and Donkenstein are all exceptionally religious, swearing undying loyalty to any proclamations made by the Holy Keepers, no matter how ridiculous, especially if they lead to a f%&king pillow being crowned King.  Their armies gather around Wentzenfort, prepared to protect the city at all costs.

BOOK 4 – A RAY OF SUN IN THE DARKNESS OF CLOUDS – Anara “Annie” Mistwake, abandoned in a gloomy forest as a child and raised by a band of drunken elves learns that she is the last member of Clan Zoovarin, the family who manufactured the pillow known as King Stuffy the First.  An interpretation of holy law suggests that the King Stuffy is therefore a descendant of the Zoovarin line and as the pillow’s elder sister, the crown is, by right, Annie’s.  The drunken elves are magical and use their powers to turn Annie’s horse into a damn pegasus.  Annie assembles a massive army of her drunken adopted elf relatives and prepares to march on Wentzenfort.

BOOK 5 – THE TOURNAMENT OF THE STAR QUARTER – The Pro and Anti King Stuffy sides agree to a momentary peace in the hopes that the question of who the crown belongs to can be solved in a tournament.  The Pro Stuffy side choose Burt Frederickson, a soldier revered for his bravery in battle.

The Anti Stuffy side selects Antagonizer Stabsmore, Legendary Stabsmith of the Stabsmore Isles, where the inhabitants are trained to be especially stabby from an early age.  Literally, all those people do is eat, drink and stab all day long.

In the tourney, Frederickson pummels Stabsmore within an inch of his life when the Duchess of Shabadoo breaks wind, thus distracting the would be champion and allowing Stabsmore to get the upper hand, which he uses to grind Frederickon’s face into a fine paste.

The Pro Stuffy side cry foul.  The Anti Stuffy side declare fair is fair.  All bets are off and the war carries on.

Book 6 – An End for Crying Out Loud Already – (coming soon this Fall) – Annie Mistwake flies over Wentzenfort, shouts, “Hey everybody!  Look over there!” and then watches as her drunken elves slaughter both sides, leaving her the throne, to the delight of her legions of loyal fans who buy Torrow’s books just to take in her adventures.

Surprisingly, Annie’s rule lasts less than five minutes.  Hungry from battle, she devours some expired cottage cheese and dies instantly.

King Stuffy the First is overthrown.  No seriously.  He is literally thrown into a trash can.  The peasants of the land abandon the monarchy form of government, install a democratic system and only proceed to elect rulers that make them yearn for King Winkytiddles.

Thanks to the magic bookshelf, a tiny version of Anara Mistwake has been known to fly around the BQB compound.  BQB has known her for years, yet she still insists on introducing herself and stating her multiple titles every time she sees him.

BQB’s attorney reminds readers this is a parody.