Daily Archives: June 14, 2015

Jun 14 2015
5 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 6/14/15 – Intelligent Plant Life

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings, Earth Losers!  ‘Tis I, Alien Jones, here to once again shed some light on the questions that vex your dump of a planet.

No offense.  I meant that in a nice way.

Alien Jones took in a movie as

Alien Jones took in a movie as “research” for this column.

This week’s question comes from Connie Flanagan of the blog, “Everything Indie.”  She writes:

“Bookshelf Q. Battler, how very flattered you must feel to have been selected to be the human emissary of Alien Jones and the Mighty Potentate.”

Ah, of course BQB is touched to have been selected as the chosen one by the Mighty Potentate, aren’t you BQB?

BQB:  You know, I was at first, but now it’s just like, “What have these guys done for me lately?”  I mean, holy crap, I have the power of space aliens behind me and my blog is still less popular than that “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” video.  Back to you, AJ.

“It’s peanut butter jelly time!  Peanut butter jelly time!  Peanut butter jelly…peanut butter jelly!”  Wait?  What?  Blast! Now that infernal song is stuck in my head!

And don’t blame me for your failures, Bookshelf Q. Battler.  You know you could have skipped watching Spy last night and done some writing!

BQB:  It was for the blog!

Yeah yeah.  It’s always for the blog, isn’t it?  Anyway, Connie goes on:

My question is admittedly mundane, but it’s one I’ve been curious about for some time: As a vegetarian, I’ve become concerned that plant-life may also have intelligence and emotional lives. If so, do they resent being cultivated for human consumption and having the genetics of their offspring/offshoots altered?

Not a mundane question at all.  In fact, it’s a very astute one.

Bookshelf Q. Battler!  Do you recall the 2008 film The Happening by director M. Night Shyamalan?

BQB:  Oh my God!  So awful!  I’ve been complaining about it for years!  So basically, this was yet another attempt by Shyamalan to wow the audience with a twist at the end, but as usual, he just fails to recreate the success of his first film, The Sixth Sense.

What happens?  Should we be concerned about SPOILERS?

BQB:  You should be concerned with getting your money back if you waste your time on this piece of crap.  So here’s what happens.  Mark Wahlberg stars as a man protecting his family in the wake of a toxin that’s been released into the air that’s making people commit suicide.  The twist at the end of the film?  The toxin has been released by plants!  Yes, plants! They’re tired of mankind’s mistreatment of the planet and as it turns out, they’re the culprits who have poisoned humanity.

Well, here’s the deal.  The Happening isn’t just a horrible movie.  It’s also a documentary of what could potentially happen to your planet one day if people don’t start taking better care of the environment.

You see, M. Night Shyamalan is in fact, a space alien.  He hails from Planet Shamalama, a world once inhabited by humans until the plants got tired and released a toxin that convinced everyone to off themselves.  Shyamalan was one of a select few who were able to escape in time.

(Fun side note: Otis Day and the Knights are also from the same planet. They cashed in by becoming musical performers.  Their hit, “Shama Lama Ding Dong” is actually the national anthem of their homeland.)

Shamalama was once a pinnacle of technology and industry, with factories blowing smoke and churning out various products from an ever consuming populace.  When the plants got tired of it, they staged a revolution.

Today, the hierarchy of ruling classes on Shamalama are as follows:

SQUASH – The Gold Class – They make all important decisions.

STRAWBERRIES – The Silver Class – They work behind the scenes to manipulate all plant and vegetable matter to carry out the bidding of the Supreme Squash.

LEGUMES – The Bronze Class – The worker bees of the planet who carry out the lesser tasks.

Rose bushes, pine cones, cucumbers, rododendrons, grass – they all have their own tasks that I won’t bother with.  Suffice to say, the plants have that world running like a well oiled machine now and frankly, are doing a better job than the Shama Lama Ding Dongs ever did.

(That’s the actual name of the former residents of Shamalama.)

BQB:  AJ, Attorney Donnelly just called and she says she’s too busy to fend off any potential lawsuits that might be generated by referring to M. Knight Shyamalan and Otis Day and the Knights as Shama Lama Ding Dong aliens from Planet Shamalama.

Oh, will you stop?  Great Garbanax, this place has gotten less fun since that woman showed up.  “You can’t say this!  You can’t say that!”

You’re probably just trying to shamelessly plug your new series, “Pop Culture Mysteries.”

“Oh look at me!  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler!  Five more people read one of my stories than usual so I’m ready for my payday, Hollywood!”

Get over yourself, BQB.

And besides…M. “Knight” Shyamalan.  Otis Day and the “Knights.”  It’s not like they’re hiding it.  It’s fairly obvious that only the knights of Shamalama would have had access to escape pods when the plants took over.

Finally, Connie also writes:

Also–and please beg for tolerance from Alien Jones and the Mighty Potentate for my positing two questions rather than just one–is there anything digestible by humans that doesn’t resent being eaten and/or genetically modified?

I’m afraid not.  Garbanzo beans.  Wheat germ.  Carrots.  Rutabagas.  Turnips.  There literally is not one piece of food without a mind and a soul that isn’t shouting, “Ouch!” on the inside as soon as you bite into it.

But try not to let that get you down.  You’ve got to eat, right?

Try to focus on string beans.  Those guys are notorious a-holes and won’t be missed.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Attorney Donnelly feels the need to reiterate that M. Knight Shyamalan and Otis Day and the Knights are not space aliens.  

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Jun 14 2015
5 Comments
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Spy – 2015

It’s original.  It’s not a reboot of a remake of a sequel.  It’s the breakout success of the summer.  And it left BQB rolling in the aisles.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of the comedy/action film Spy.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING

Movie Trailer – Spy – 20th Century Fox

I have to admit going into this I wasn’t expecting much, so I love it when a movie leaves me pleasantly surprised and wanting more.

Melissa McCarthy’s great and all but for awhile I’ve felt her best performance was in Bridesmaids and everything else was just icing on the cake.

Until now.

McCarthy stars as Susan Cooper, a desk jockey CIA analyst who provides mission support for CIA agent Bradley Fine (Jude Law).

When the covers of the CIA’s top agents are blown, the situation calls for a real nobody to save the day, someone the enemy has never heard of before.

Or in other words, Susan Cooper.

Over the years, many films have tried to blend action with comedy with mixed results.  Sometimes there’s a focus on the comedy and the action is watered down or vice versa.  This film, on the other hand, provides the perfect mix of both.  I was slapping my knee uncontrollably at all the funny bits but at the same time, was blown away with visual effects and fight scenes that rival any of the other action blockbusters out this summer.

McCarthy’s stock will no doubt rise after this picture.  Not to give too much away, but she hilariously overcomes various lame cover identities to take control and bring down a scheme to sell a nuclear bomb.

What’s the key to a great comedy?  For me, it’s uncontrollable laughter.  Laughter is as real as it gets when it comes to emotional reaction.  You either laugh or you don’t and I can’t remember a movie that left me guffawing like an idiot the way this one did.

Jason Statham shows a new side of himself as he provides a parody of every tough guy he’s ever played in the form of Agent Rick Ford.  As a running joke in the film, Ford continuously regales Cooper with countless stories of dangers he’s encountered on the job.  He’s been shot, stabbed, set on fire, and ingested one-hundred and seven varieties of poison, just to name a few.

Statham with a sense of humor.  Who knew he had it in him?

As Rayna, the bad girl of the film, Rose Byrne proves that various dirty words said with a British accent become that much more hilarious.

British actress Miranda Hart plays Cooper’s sidekick Nancy, another CIA desk jockey who’s thrust into the thick of it without any prior field experience.  I’d never heard of her before but her performance left me hoping to see more of her in the future.

Ultimately, this movie pokes fun at the James Bond films and yet, not only does it do that well, it becomes something special all of its own.

As you might be aware, Director Paul Feig and McCarthy are a comedic duo.  Feig provides the film know how while McCarthy provides the laughs.

Up until now, the duo hadn’t provided a movie with intense action and special effects but if this film is an indication of what they are capable of, then this critic is resting a little easier knowing that the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot is in good hands.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.

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Jun 14 2015
4 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BREAKING NEWS: Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Real Name Revealed!

Bookshelf Q. Battler's real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein. Don't tell his enemies.

Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein. Don’t tell his enemies.

EAST RANDOMTOWN, USA – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers are plotzing like there’s no tomorrow over a major reveal on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, the real name of our illustrious blog host – Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.

“It wasn’t that big a reveal to me,” said Aunt Gertie, one of the 3.5.  “I’ve known my little Eduardo since I was changing his stinky diapers but if he prefers being referred to as Bookshelf Q. Battler, then who am I to argue?”

Alien Jones, a space traveler from a far away galaxy assigned by his ruler, the Mighty Potentate, to aid Bookshelf Q. Battler in his efforts to get a writing career off the ground in any way possible, said, “Well, that’s just ridiculous.  There’s no possible friggin’ way that I’m going to be able to get people to read a book written by a guy named, ‘Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.'”

When asked if that comment meant he that he was in disagreement with the Mighty Potentate, who has steadfastly maintained that BQB’s fabulous writing skills are the only thing keeping a new age of entertainment where reality television dominates over scripted media from sweeping across the universe, the Esteemed Brainy one replied, “Foolish Earth Loser!  That was just a joke!  Of course I concur with the wisdom of the Mightiest of Potentates, may his exuberance be known throughout the cosmos.  Eduardo Ricardo Papasomething or other…yes.  That’s a fine name.”

What are the chances of a man named Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein being published?  This reporter consulted with none other than Beatrix Carmoody of Carmoody and Associates Literary Agency.

“Look,” Ms. Carmoody said.  “I don’t care if the guy’s written a book that makes Shakespeare look like a circus monkey, with all the intrigue of Game of Thrones and all the epic wonder of Star Wars and Harry Potter combined.  If it’s got, “Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein” on the cover, then there’s no way anyone is buying that shit.”

Alien Jones was notified of this information.

Alien Jones in a rare display of emotion upon realizing his job just got 1,000 times harder.

Alien Jones in a rare display of emotion upon realizing his job just got 1,000 times harder.

“Ahh,”  said Mr. Jones.  “Well, I’ve read BQB’s work toward a novel and so far all he’s done is write out the lyrics to Baby’s Got Back a hundred times.  Oh and once in awhile he’ll type out, ‘I have no idea what to say so I’m going to go get a donut.’  He has about fifty pages of that.  Sooo, Shakespeare plus Star Wars plus Harry Potter and he still doesn’t have a chance because of his name?”

Alien Jones then excused himself and banged his head against a wall for fifteen minutes straight.  Upon his return, he stated to this reporter, “It’s no big deal.  If the Mighty Potentate says that BQB is the chosen one then who am I to argue with his Fabulous Potentositude? And I’m saying that because I truly believe in my mission and not out of an intense fear that the Mighty Potentate might vaporize me for disagreeing, as he has done with so, so many others.  All hail the Mighty Potentate.”

Bookshelf Q. Battledog, Head of Security for the Bookshelf Battle Compound, provided this insightful comment:

Woof.

Woof indeed, BQBD.  Woof indeed.  That says it all, doesn’t it?  But as Head of Security, is this cunning canine worried that his boss’s true moniker is out in the open?

Woof woof.

As always, a stoic security professional of few words.

One hundred pounds of badass in a five pound bag.

One hundred pounds of badass in a five pound bag.

What’s the significance of this big reveal?  This reporter went straight to the source.

“It’s not that big a deal,”  Bookshelf Q. Battler said.  “Sure, I comprised the security of the Bookshelf Battle Compound but, you know, it was for a hot nerd chick so whatever.  It’s not like anyone really reads this thing and I’m sure my 3.5 readers will be cool.  Things shouldn’t change at all and people should continue to call me by my codename, Bookshelf Q. Battler.  My real name can’t fall into the hands of my arch nemesis, the Yeti.”

The Yeti was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being trained by Fit Nerd as part of a new series, Fit Nerd Trains the Yeti.

Stupid Yeti

Stupid Yeti

3.5 readers are directed to not share BQB’s real name with anyone, especially any smelly yetis they may encounter.

“So I shouldn’t have told everyone at the bingo hall?”  Aunt Gertie asked.

No comment, Gertie.  No comment.

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Jun 14 2015
2 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 15 – BQB’s Real Name

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE

BQB dies.  Lives.  He must search for the meaning of life.

Read Parts 1-5

BQB and his bookshelf characters talk.  Holmes and Watson want to help.

Read Parts 6-13

BQB flies Air Third World on a mission to visit the war torn nation of Pango Tango, where the Great Guru lives. BQB hopes to ask him about the meaning of life  On the plane, BQB meets a nerdy female video game enthusiast.

Read Part 14

“And so, in Monster Nightmare, if you chop up a thousand monsters with your chainsaw, you get a distinguished chainsaw valor award,” the pretty she-nerd explained.

“Naturally,”  I replied.  “I wouldn’t want to chop up all of those monsters for nothing.”

Vicky shows Ed her video game awards.

Vicky shows Ed her video game awards.

We talked for an hour.  Actually, she talked.  I listened.  Occasionally, I tossed out a witty comment, but she had the floor.

“Listen to me babble on and on about video games,” the woman said.  “I haven’t even bothered to ask you your name.”

She reached out her hand.  I shook it.

“Book…”

I stopped myself.  She was a stranger.  Best to use my given name, not my chosen name.  The magic bookshelf was a source of great power.  Knowledge of its existence was not to be shared with just anyone.

“Eduardo,”  I said.

“Nice to meet you, Eduardo,”  the woman replied.  “I’m Victoria.”

Victoria popped a piece of gum into her mouth and offered me a piece.  I took it and chewed it.  I wasn’t a big gum chewer but it had been so long since I’d been in the company of a beautiful woman that I was ready to do anything she asked me.

“Is that your full name?”  Victoria asked.

I laughed.

“No,”  I said.  “My full name is a bit of a tongue twister.”

“Let’s hear it,”  Victoria said.

“I’d rather not.”

“Come on,”  Victoria said.  “It can’t be that bad.”

“Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.”

Victoria giggled.

“Yeah,”  I said.  “Book agents I queried laughed too.  ‘Good luck selling books with that moniker pasted on the cover!’ they said.”

“You’re a writer?”  Victoria asked.

“I was,”  I replied.  “I used to be.  I stopped.  I’d like to try it again.  It’s complicated.”

“Well, pleased to meet you Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein,”  Victoria said.  “I’m Victoria Gloria Somersby  Stratenhaus.”

“Seriously?”  I asked.

“Seriously,”  she replied.  “But you can call me Vicky.”

“OK,”  I said.  “And you can call me Ed.”

“So tell me, Ed, why did you stop writing?”

“Um,” I said.  “I’d rather hear about this video game fixation of yours.”

“Oh,” Vicky said.  “Long story short, I used to design video games.”

I felt my heart skip a beat – in a good way.  I was in the company of a fellow artist.

“That’s amazing,”  I said.

“Yeah,”  Vicky replied.  “Have you ever heard of Sweet Destroyer?”

“Of course,”  I said.  “I used to have a mild addiction to it.”

“Most people do,”  Vicky said.  “I had an entry level job inputting the code that made the sweets shift around.  It didn’t pay much, but at least I was working in the field I loved.”

“Why’d you leave?”  I asked.

“The guy I was dating at the time dumped me,” Vicky said.  “Said he wanted a woman who was more grounded, down to earth, not living with her head in the clouds.”

“He wanted a girl who preferred a bland life over daydreams about video games?”  I asked.

“Yeah,”  Vicky said.  “How’d you know?”

“Just a wild guess,”  I said.

“So I gave up on video games and went to business school,”  Victoria said.

I broke out in a cold sweat.  Vicky’s story was hitting too close to home.

“Got an MBA,”  Vicky continued.  “I figured there was so much competition in the video game industry that I might as well try my hand at a more practical career.”

“How’d that work out?”  I asked.

“The best I could do was a job at Drying Paint Media,”  Vicky said.  “America’s Number One Producer of Drying Paint Videos.”

This episode of BQB and the Meaning of Life brought to you by Drying Paint Media

This episode of BQB and the Meaning of Life brought to you by Drying Paint Media

“Drying Paint Videos are in high demand?”  I asked.

“Sure,”  Vicky replied.  “People who buy paint want to know how its going to look on their walls when it dries.  Pretty boring work though.”

“At least you’re producing videos,” I said.  “That has to involve some creativity, right?”

“No,”  Vicky said.  “I don’t even get to do that.  I’m just the assistant to the assistant of the vice-president for corporate assistance.”

I felt like I was going to faint.

“Are you alright, Ed?”  Vicky asked.

“Yes.”

“Your face just turned as white as a ghost,”  Vicky said.

“Yeah,”  I said.  “I’m….I’m not really a fan of air travel.”

“Me neither,”  Vicky said as she stood up.  “In fact, excuse me for a moment, I have to go powder my nose.”

I sat back in my seat.  I smiled.  I felt my heart burst.  

Finally, I met someone who could relate to what it was like to be me.

I was feeling euphoric.

And then that feeling came to a grinding halt when I heard two muffled British voices coming from inside my bag.

“Holmes, I don’t think this is a very good idea,”  one of the voices said.

“Watson, stop being such a ninny!”  the other voice replied.  “Simply grab a pair of headphones when Mr. Battler is not looking and then we can revel in the comedic genius that is Pootie-Tang!”

Wow.  A big reveal – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name.  A juicy piece of information that our hero’s enemies would love to get their hands on.  Thank God only 3.5 people read this damn thing.

Join us next time on BQB and the Meaning of Life!

Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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