Monthly Archives: September 2015

Help Me Cure Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death – FAQ

Hello.

Earlier this year, this came out of my butt. I survived, but many won't be so lucky until we find a cure for LITPTD.

Earlier this year, this came out of my butt. I survived, but many won’t be so lucky until we find a cure for LITPTD.

I’m mildly famous Internet celebrity, Bookshelf Q. Battler, host of a website that reaches a broad swath of 3.5 readers.

On this blog, I’ve discussed in extensive detail my dream of becoming a published writer.

But I also have a second dream, one that I’m ashamed to say I haven’t talked about enough.

I yearn for a day when the medical community discovers a cure to Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.

I know.  You have questions.  I’ve taken the liberty of a FAQ.

WHAT IS LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTERY TOILET DEATH?

It happens when:

  • You plug way too many electrical devices and/or appliances into an overburdened wall socket.
  • A terrible storm occurs.
  • In the middle of the storm, you get hungry and pop a toaster pastry into a toaster.
  • At the precise moment when your pastry pops out of the toaster, a bolt of lighting strikes your home, enters the socket, flows out through the toaster and jumps into your pastry.
  • The lightning becomes “infused” with the pastry, bonding with the snack’s molecules, causing it to grow ten feet long.
  • You, being a fatty fat fatty, don’t give a shit and eat it anyway.
  • An hour later, you experience terrible stomach pains and an overwhelming urge to run to the bathroom.
  • What comes in must go out and on the way out, the blast is so powerful that it steals your life force.

SO THIS IS A FATAL ILLNESS?

Indeed.  If you ever see a lightning infused toaster pastry, run away!

THEN HOW ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Good question, noble reader.  In the epic tale, BQB and the Meaning of Lifewhich sadly, I have yet to finish as I’m a lazy sack of crap, I detail how I died on the toilet whilst passing a lightning bolt I consumed in the form of a toaster pastry.

Luckily, in death, I met William Shakespeare, the greatest writer of all time.  He gave me a second chance at life, urging me to search for the meaning of our existence.

I should really get around to finishing that story.  I mean, shit, it involves the meaning of life.  That’s probably good for a site click or two.

I don’t know.  You tell me.  If you were to log onto Facebook and see:

  • NEWS STORY #1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler discovers the meaning of life!

OR

  • NEWS STORY #2 – Kim Kardashian’s Butt Elected as Prime Minister of Lichtenstein, which one would you choose?

I know.  I know.  Kim’s butt.  It’s ok.

Toilets should be a welcome place for release, not a crime scene.

Toilets should be a welcome place for release, not a crime scene.

IS THIS DANGEROUS TO OTHERS?

Indeed.  The Institute for Fake Research has identified the following cases:

  • Myra Schlangley of Boise, Idaho, gave into temptation and devoured a lightning infused toaster pastry.  She then went to bed and in the middle of the night, not only met her demise whilst passing the trapped lightning bolt, but also zapped her husband Norman with her butt just as the Emperor zapped Luke Skywalker with his lightning hands.  The Schlangleys were well respected in their community of potato growers and will be missed.
  • Calculus Teacher Barney Snodgrass of French Lick, Indiana, was in his break period, correcting test papers when he succumbed to the wiles of a lightning infused toaster pastry.  An hour later, his afternoon class began and was in the middle of lecturing his students on their poor performance.  Specifically, he said, “If one of you dummies ever bothers to study, I’ll be so surprised that lightning will shoot out of my butt!”  Needless to say, it did, but luckily, all the students were able to steer clear.  Sadly, Mr. Snodgrass did not survive the ordeal, but reports are that his students were so impressed that they redoubled their efforts and are now all considered world class mathematicians.
  • Dr. Hugo Von Science, esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, is currently researching a project to harness the power of butt lightning for commercial electricity purposes.  Specifically, a test group of seven chimpanzees with cast iron butt implants have been able to consume lightning infused toaster pastries with reckless abandon.  The lightning harnesses from their butts has been enough to power a small city.  Not a good one mind you, but one of those tiny burgs with a minor league team that pretends like they’re hot shit and what not.  At any rate, unless you have a cast iron butt, this malady will prove fatal.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF MY LOVED ONE HAS CONSUMED A LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY?

DO NOT be a hero.  Run.  Your friend or relative is doomed.  Don’t go out in a butt lightning zap.

If you insist on staying, be sure to steer clear of the blast radius.  If you can see the butt in question, you’re standing in the wrong spot.

WHAT PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE TOWARD A CURE?

Scientists are currently working on the following methods:

  • Hypnosis to train the mind to stay away from lightning infused toaster pastries.
  • A “Post Consumption Pill” to be taken that would absorb the lightning, breaking it down into a series of small sparks that will fly out of the afflicted’s butt, causing minor distress.
  • Dr. Hugo believes that his cast iron monkey butts will be applied toward human butts by the year 2050.

CAN THIS HAPPEN WITH ANY OTHER BREAKFAST FOOD AND/OR WEATHER RELATED DISASTER?

Indeed.  Lightning can enter a delicious toaster pastry.

However, it can also enter a blueberry muffin, a cheese danish, a glazed, sprinkled, or otherwise decorated donut, a pancake, or anything else you might normally stick in your maw between the hours of 6-11 a.m.  (though it can happen at any time of the day.  My incident happened at night.)

Further, lightning is not the only type of weather event that can enter a breakfast food.

For example, my girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter, aka Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus, died on the toilet after consuming a hurricane infused jelly donut.

This occurred after a hurricane entered a microwave she was using to warm her donut, because she likes hot jelly, and no I’m trying to make a bad pun.

Other noted cases discovered by the Fake Institute:

  • Three years ago, John Hotchkiss of Lexington, KY consumed a tornado infused bowl of Grape Nuts Cereal.  Reports indicate he is still spinning around by his butt today.
  • Bob Fendersnuff of Austin, TX devoured a wind infused bear claw one fateful morning.  His corpse was found in Sri Lanka.
  • In one of the worst cases ever seen, Violet Cremmelhorn of Albuquerque, NM, ate a monsoon laden bagel covered with a hail storm infused cream cheese spread.  In the wake of this horrifying incident, authorities declared the building this happened in to be so messy that it had to be condemned, as cleaning was an impossibility.

WHY ARE YOU ONLY FOCUSING ON LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH THEN?

We have to start somewhere.  Let’s cure this affliction one type of breakfast food infused with one type of weather event at a time.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?

Spread the word.  It’s always possible to find another treat, but you can’t find another life.

Be strong.  Put down the weather infused breakfast food and run.

Not everyone is lucky enough to be given the second chance that VGRF and I were given.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Thanks for taking a minute to talk about this very special issue near and dear to my heart and butt.

Together, we can cure Lightning Infused Toilet Pastry Toilet Death

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Storytelling Interview Series

3.5 readers, I think I might have invented something.

“The Storytelling Interview Series.”

As I’ve discussed ad nauseam, this October there will be an interview series on this site called “#31ZombieAuthors.”

Once a day in October, I’ll be interviewing a different zombie author.

I’ll be doing it in a fun way.

A zombie apocalypse will strike East Randomtown and it will be up to me to save the day.

Every day will feature an excerpt from my Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal, followed by the zombie author interview of the day.

I will actually take a break from the action to “call” authors using Alien Jones’ space phone.

It’s very tongue in cheek.  At times, various characters will comment on my incompetence for calling authors when I should be fighting the apocalypse.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my 3.5 readers will receive this well.

The zombie authors have gotten a kick out of it so far, and these are all people who’ve successfully published, so they know a thing or two.

At the very least, no one’s told me, “This idea sucks!  Get lost, loser!”

So that’s always a plus in my world.

Perhaps it might be too early to be thinking about the future.  I should wait and see how #31ZombieAuthors goes.

BUT – it has recently crossed my mind that if all goes well, I could start applying this concept to other genres.

So you tell me, 3.5, which of these concepts would you like to see next?

YETI HEAT – THRILLER AUTHORS

Stupid Yeti

Stupid Yeti

BQB’s nemesis, the Yeti, devises some type of hilarious crime.  BQB and Alien Jones get deputized as Jack Bauer style agents and have to unravel the furry snow beast’s plot before all is lost.  Along the way, they stop to interview thriller authors.

CAPT. BATTLER’S CURIOUSLY FUNKY FLYING CONTRAPTION – STEAMPUNK AUTHORS

shutterstock_248751778 copy

       Capt. Battler

A contingent of steampunks crash their airship in East Randomtown.  Their Captain has been murdered by a ne’er-do-well who has captured their city in the sky, forcing them to go on the run.  The steampunks recruit BQB to become their new Captain and Alien Jones as his first mate.  They go on a mission to oust the baddie and along the way, you guessed it, authors of steampunk books are interviewed.

UNTITLED BQB/VGRF ROM COM – ROMANCE AND/OR ROMANTIC COMEDY AUTHORS

WOMAN:  Sniff.  I hope BQB and VGRF get back together. MAN:  I wish I was watching Yeti Heat.

WOMAN: Sniff. I hope BQB and VGRF get back together.
MAN: I wish I was watching Yeti Heat.

BQB and Video Game Rack Fighter split up in a comical manner.  It’s BQB’s fault because, well, it’s always the man’s fault, isn’t it?  If you disagree, ask the woman.  BQB goes through a series of hurdles to win back his lady love.  In the meantime, romance authors are interviewed.

JONESING FOR THE COSMOS – SCI FI AUTHORS

The Esteemed Brainy One in a rare pants wearing moment.

The Esteemed Brainy One in a rare pants wearing moment.

Alien Jones recounts the tale of how he first met Bookshelf Q. Battler, as a result of being ordered by his ruler, the Mighty Potentate, to become a columnist for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  From time to time, AJ takes a break to interview a sci-fi author.

THOUGHTS

  • I have a few other ideas, but these are the most formulated so far.
  • I’m leaning toward Steampunk first because in my mind, that story has the most concrete outline.
  • I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to do these.  I love doing them but I’d also like to get a book or two out next year so I guess I’ll have to make a choice.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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All International Talk Like a Pirate Day Posts

By:  Bonnie Lass, Special Guest Pirateshutterstock_299589737 copy

Ahoy me buckos!

Talk Like a Pirate Day isn’t just a National Holiday.  It’s an INTERNATIONAL holiday.

Aye, from the streets of London, to the colonies in the Americas and ARRR all the way to the Isle of Tortuga, ye need to be talkin’ like a pirate on this fine day matey, arr.

Here be a collection of the Talk Like a Pirate Tutorials brought to ye by Capt. Deathbeard’s crew:

Talk Like a Pirate at the Office 

Talk Like a Pirate at a Restaurant

Talk Like a Pirate While Babysitting 

Talk Like a Pirate While Driving 

Talk Like a Pirate – Idle Chatter 

Commonly Used Pirate Phrases

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Happy National Talk Like a Pirate Day!

By:  Capt. Deathbeard, Special Guest Pirateshutterstock_102600596 copy

ARRRR!  Avast ye bilge rats!  I hope ye have enjoyed this week of pirate talk lessons.

Today be the big day so make sure ye be talkin’ in the language of piracy from the dawning of the sun to the witching hour.  ARR.

Here be some last minute commonly used pirate phrases for ye perusal:

ARR – Umm or catchall phrase.

AVAST – Hey

AHOY – Hello

SHIVER ME TIMBERS – That’s surprising.

ME HEARTIES – My friends.

WALK THE PLANK – Typical pirate solution to any and all problems.

LAND HO – There is the land.

LILLY LIVERED – Easily frightened person.

POOP DECK – The part of the ship where the magic happens.

SCURVY – An ancient ailment, usually caused by a lack of good nutrition and/or fruit.

SCURVY DOG – Commonly used insult, drawing an inference that a person is a canine suffering from an ailment caused by a lack of fruit.

SCALLY WAG – Jerkface.

DAVEY JONES’ LOCKER – Alternate solution to all pirate problems if the plank is already booked.

LAND LUBBER – Insult that implies a person who doesn’t embrace a life of sailing the seven seas and robbing ships is a jerkface.

AYE AYE – Yes.

GROG – Alcohol.  Margaritas, cosmos, and other fancy drinks weren’t available to pirates.  Instead, they’d mash up some crap, let it liquefy, use it to brew up some inebriating slop and have at it.

MISEN MAST – The part of the ship that holds a sail.  Alternatively, the pirate’s junk.  (i.e. ahoy me lady, ye surely rise me misen mast, ARR!)

BRITCHES – pants

BRINEY DEEP – Where Davey Jones’ locker is located.

Enjoy National Talk Like a Pirate Day, mateys!

For more info, check out the site of original Talk Like a Pirate Day inventors John Baur and Mark Summers.

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Movie Review – Black Mass (2015)

All is forgiven for Mortdecai, Johnny.  All is forgiven.

I’d announce SPOILERS though all this stuff actually happened!  BQB here with a review of Black Mass.

“If nobody sees it, then it didn’t happen.”

So goes the advice of infamous Irish mobster James “Whitey” Bulger to his young son after he got in trouble for punching another kid at school.  It’s a line delivered so eerily that it sets the whole tone of the movie.

It gives the viewer insight into just the kind of guy Whitey is.  Most parents would tell their kid not to punch anyone.  Whitey tells his to just make sure no one’s looking before he punches someone the next time.

Step aside Tony Soprano, as this true crime gangster flick shows  Whitey as one cold, calculating sociopathic serial killer, leaving a trail of bodies in his wake during his tenure as the boss of an organized crime family known as the Winter Hill Gang in South Boston from the 1970s to the 1990’s.

I was a fan of The Sopranos and the ongoing theme of that show was that Tony often felt bad about his crimes.  Of course, that didn’t stop him from being a murderer, but after the dirty deed, he’d feel bad, overeat, not sleep and walk around in his bathrobe and get so depressed that he’d need to go spill his guts to his confidant/ shrink Dr. Melfi.

Whitey, on the other hand – SPOILER – is able to strangle a hooker then take a nap and have dinner afterwards.

In one of the saddest turn of events in modern law enforcement history, FBI agent John Connolly struck a deal to use Bulger as an informant, but as we see in the movie, John becomes less concerned about justice and more about helping Whitey, his childhood friend, not to mention getting some extra gifts on the side.

Meanwhile, Whitey plays the FBI like a fiddle.  He gives them info needed to take down a rival Italian crime family moving in on his turf, but after that, pretty much feeds them bupkis.

If this sounds familiar, you might recall 2006’s The Departed, which was somewhat based on Whitey’s reign of terror.

I’ve always felt The Departed was one of the best gangster flicks I’ve ever seen and this one does meet it.

Johnny Depp solidifies his reputation as an actor who can become anyone.  He plays the ruthless yet somewhat quiet Whitey to a T and is barely recognizable on screen.

To complicate matters, Whitey’s brother was William Bulger, President of the Massachusetts Senate.

Benedict Cumberbatch plays the South Boston politician well, delivering a powerful speech about how he’ll drive crime out of South Boston just as St. Patrick drove the Romans and British out of Ireland.

Ironic, given who his brother was.

What did William know about his brother, when, and what was his involvement?  Those are questions left on the table, though the film takes the standpoint that Billy basically suffered from being tied to a degenerate brother.

Can’t pick your family I guess.

Joel Edgerton turns in an excellent performance as Connolly, the fast talking Fed who always has a comeback ready to explain to his boss (played by Kevin Bacon) as to why Whitey’s being allowed to jerk the FBI around for his own personal gain.

Jesse Plemons (aka Creepy Todd from Breaking Bad) plays another creep, Whitey’s associate Kevin Weeks.  Poor Jesse’s stuck playing creeps I guess.

Adam Scott (known for comedic roles such as his part as Leslie Knope’s husband, Ben Wyatt on Parks and Rec) makes his first notable foray into drama as a Fed who’s suspicious of Connolly.

Overall, it’s a solid cast.  I could go into more detail, but I’d end up giving the rest of the story away.

Did Whitey win?  If you’re a news watcher, you know he went on the lam in the 1990’s after being tipped off by Connolly to an impending arrest, only to be caught in Santa Monica in 2011.

You might say justice was finally found.  Then again, Whitey was in his 80’s when he was nabbed so, he did get to live out his retirement years.

This is one of the first major Oscar contenders of the year and cements Depp as one of the greatest actors of our time.

If he takes home a gold statue for this, he will have earned it.

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The Writer’s Battle: How Many Books Should an Author Write Per Year?

Hey 3.5 readers.shutterstock_197378663 copy

So the fracas all began with this article in the Huffington Post.

Lorraine Devon Wilke argues, “Dear Self-Published Author: Do NOT Write Four Books a Year.”

At the outset, the premise reeks of establishment anti-self publishing flair, doesn’t it?

But in Wilke’s defense, she writes:

Unless they’re four gorgeously written, painstakingly molded, amazingly rendered and undeniably memorable books. If you can pull off four of those a year, more power to you. But most can’t. I’d go so far as to say no one can, the qualifier being good books.

I don’t want to stick words into someone’s mouth but the message I carried away was, “Don’t write four books a year unless you can put out four good books.”

That’s fair.

Further, she has self-published so I can’t accuse her of being an agent of “The Man” i.e. traditional publishing.

Wilke noted recent Pulitizer Prize winners who spent a great many years on their masterpieces.  Donna Tartt, for example, spent eleven years on The Goldfinch while Anthony Doerr took years to craft his tale.

It’s about quality over catalogue, and Doerr only had four books to his credit before his prize winner, while Harper Lee only put out one book, To Kill a Mockingbird.

Larry Correia, author of the Monster Hunter series of books (and a dude who got his start in self publishing) had this to say on his blog, Monster Hunter Nation:

If it takes you ten years to write a book—which doesn’t win the biggest most famous award in all of literature—and you make $15,000 (I’m being generous), that means you made $1,500 for each YEAR of labor. Let’s say all that diligent proofing, unhurried imagining, and turd polishing only took up 500 hours a year. Congratulations. You would have made more money waiting tables at Applebees… before tips.

I don’t know about you guys, but A. I can’t bank on getting a major motion picture staring Gregory Peck and become mandatory reading for all high school students. B. I’m probably not ever going to win a Pulitzer Prize. And C. I like making a hundred bucks an hour a lot more than I like making $3 an hour.

NOTE:  If you read Larry’s entire response, you’ll see he is in no way bashing Tartt or Doerr and he gives them due credit for publishing high quality award worthy works.

His point is that those authors’ experiences are atypical.  As an aspiring author, the likelihood of you winning a prestigious award is small.

I don’t want to put words in Larry’s mouth either but the message I took was that one can spend years on one book for the small, unlikely chance of winning a prestigious award, or one could publish more books and earn more compensation.

WHAT SAY YOU, BQB?

Here’s how all this applies to your favorite nerd, 3.5 readers.

I’m not old.

But I’m not young either.

Over the years, I’ve discovered the following to be unassailably true:

Life does not give a shit about your plans.

Disaster does not wait until you’re ready.  Chaos does not take a powder until you’ve completed a goal.

Shit happens with a vengeance.  I know because I’ve been there.

I know what it’s like to be plugging away on a dream only to receive bad news one day and all of a sudden, said dream becomes deferred.

I have dreams of being a writer.

But I am also a human being with basic needs like food, water, clothes, shelter, utilities etc.

So I need to work a day job.

Then at night and on the weekend, I have to perform a variety of life sustaining activities.  Chores if you will.

I have to maintain my humble BQB HQ.  I need to iron my pants.

And damn it, someone needs to take Bookshelf Q. Battledog for a walk.

So after all that’s done, there’s not a lot of time to write.

I try to make up for it.  I stay up later.  Get up earlier.

Given such a schedule, I could probably put out one or two books a year.

I don’t know.  I haven’t tried it yet.

Here’s what I’m getting at:

Money is nothing to sneeze at, avoid, or to be treated as bad when it comes to publishing.

Sorry, but it’s true.

As a man who’s been browbeaten repeatedly by life, I know that the next ass kicking life has in store for me is just around the corner.

What could it be?  I hate to think about it.

What I know is that whatever said disaster is, I’ll keep working because the need to sustain life isn’t going away.

THEREFORE – If I can find a way to make enough money from writing so as to be able to turn writing into my day job, then I know the next disaster life throws my way will not stop me from writing because writing is my job.

BUT – I am at the point where I realize if life tosses me a disaster before I’ve gotten a writing career off the ground, then that’s that.  I’ll keep working.  I’ll come home.  Deal with whatever the disaster is in my spare time and then that will be life.

ERGO – I don’t have eleven years.  Sorry life, I don’t trust you.  I know at some point in the next eleven years, you’re going to deliver me a whopper, some problem I’ll have to face while continuing to work and earn a living.

We all have our own thresholds.  Personally, I can probably sustain this for five years without a profit but shit, if 2020 rolls around and I’ve yet to see dollar one, I’m going to start taking it easier and watch some more TV and play some more video games in my spare time.

CONCLUSIONS

The confusing part for me is I don’t think either writer said anything wrong.

Wilkes basically said don’t write four books a year…unless you can.  So if you can, go for it.  Many people can’t.

Larry’s saying your number one goal needs to be to get paid, but if you read on in his article, he notes clearly you can’t sacrifice quality.  Putting out a crap novel will irk your audience and therefore take away from your profits.

What say me, BQB?  People shouldn’t judge a book by the amount of time that was spent on it.  That’s not to say don’t applaud a writer who dared to hold onto a dream for 11 years and see it through to amazing results.

But on the other hand, if someone is so talented they were able to churn out a decent novel in a relatively short amount of time, there’s no need to discredit said individual either.

Further, we often talk about “how many years” but we don’t talk about hour counts.

Bookshelf Q. Battledog

Bookshelf Q. Battledog

Someone who writes full time for a living i.e. who wakes up, puts on the coffee, then clacks on the keys until the end of the day, could probably, in theory, put out more books in a year than say, a jerk face like me who’s trying to squeeze in some time to write between work, mowing the lawn, ironing my pants and walking my killer attack papillon.

Say I put one hour a day into a novel for 365 days?

Meanwhile, the established professional writer puts in a standard 40 hour work week, and after 9 weeks (and roughly 365 hours), has completed a comparable novel.

Does that mean I care more because “my novel took a year” while the other guy’s took “nine weeks?”

Thus, I guess in my typical BQB happy go lucky manner, I’ll say both authors are right.

What you can turn out in a year is a matter of a) your talent b) your situation in life c) your ability to be honest with yourself and determine whether or not your product is ready to go or crap that needs more work and therefore more time.  For that, you’re going to need professional help.  (An editor, not a shrink, though a little time on the black couch never hurt anyone.)

In short, if you’ve got the talent, don’t hold yourself back.  On the other hand, if you put out crap, your readers will run.  Only you (and your professional writing help i.e. editor) can determine whether your work’s good to go or if it needs more time in the oven.

All I know is I need to get my writing career off the ground before life delivers me that crushing blow that convinces me to say, “F it.  Bring me my Cheetos, it’s time to watch TV.  Writing, schmiting.”

What say you, 3.5?

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How to Talk Like a Pirate #5 – Idle Chatter

By:  Special Guest Pirate Parrot Polly

Polly the Pirate Parrot

Polly the Pirate Parrot

BAWK!  Shiver me timbers!  Have ye ever been around a bunch of salty sea dogs that ye got nothin’ in common with, but the urge to fill the creepy silence beckons?

So what do ye do?  Engage in useless chatter, aye?

ARRR mateys, fer the price of one cracker, I’ll educate ye spineless jellyfish on how to talk when tharrr’s nothin to talk about.

Sesame seed preferred.  Arr.

TRANSLATION #1

Lovely weather we’re having.

Avast!  The sun lies on its belly across the sky, nary a desire to rise and scorch our hides or hide and chill our bones!

TRANSLATION #2

How’s about that local sports team?

Arrr matey!  Did ye observe yon ridiculously paid mercenaries earn their gold by delivering a ball from one side of the deck to the other?  And they call US pirates!  YARRR!

TRANSLATION #3

How are you?

Arr.  Why would you give the backside of a smelly barnacle?  An inquiry into another’s feelings has no translation in the pirate’s tongue.  ARRR.

TRANSLATION #4

Can I offer you a drink?

Ahoy matey!  What manner of grog do ye wish to toss down ye nasty gullet to wash the horrid memories of your vile misdeeds from your odious soul?

TRANSLATION #5

Ummm….

ARRRR!!!!

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Why I Hope You’ll Check Out #31ZombieAuthors (Even If You Don’t Like Zombies)

This will be me in October. And I'll still take a break for zombie author interviews!

This will be me in October. And I’ll still take a break for zombie author interviews!

First off, if you do like zombies, you’re in for one hell of a ride come October.

I’m holding off on the full list of participating authors, but so many great writers have agreed to participate.

As you can imagine, for a guy who writes a blog under the name “Bookshelf Q. Battler” and claims to a) own a magic bookshelf and b) be friends with an alien, that’s very humbling.

There’s a fabulous online community of scribes and more often than not, help is usually just a polite question away.

So even if you have no interest in the zombie genre, I hope you’ll stop by anyway.

Why?  Because I’ll be interviewing thirty-one authors who have successfully published and put their works out to the masses.

Maybe you prefer comedy, or romance, or some other genre.  Even so, if you’re an aspiring writer, and I know a lot of you out there are, you’ll pick up some know-how from folks who have achieved what so far many of us have only dreamed of.

And hopefully, you’ll have some laughs along the way because of the unique way this interview series is being presented.

Every day, BQB (that’s me) will update his “Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.”  East Randomtown will be overrun by the undead, and it’s up to  BQB, Alien Jones, and Video Game Rack Fighter to save the day.

And once a day, our hero will take a break from the action to “call” a writer on Alien Jones’ space phone.

In a zombie-fied world where phone service is down, only a plutonium powered alien communications device will do.

How can you help?

3.5 readers, this year has been all about building a blog audience.  One post a day for 365 days.  Next year, I need to turn my focus to writing books of my own.

I love writing and don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I’m abandoning the blog next year, though I believe I will have to slow down the pace.

But as much I love writing, I have to admit, in the long run, with all that the world tends to throw at us, writing is generally difficult to sustain unless it’s bringing in money.

Have you seen Field of Dreams? 

“If you build it, they will come.”

This blog is my dream.  A platform on which to build a writing career.  I’m building it and I need people to come.

So this effort represents one last great big push to raise this blog’s stats, followers, hits, and corresponding Twitter, Google Plus etc followers.

All fine folks who liked something they saw here enough to click the follow button and hopefully one day I’ll be able to convince you all to invest in the BQB brand by buying a BQB novel.

Once I get it written, of course.

Not to beg, but if you could do anything to help, that’d be great.

Tell your readers about it.  Heck, share the shenanigans of Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian, on your favorite time wasting social media outlet.

Want an interview with Bookshelf Q. Battler?  You got it.  My 3.5 readers are your 3.5 readers.

Most importantly, all of these authors have been so generous with their time, that anything you could do to spread the word about them would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for all your help, 3.5.  This has been the most work I’ve put in to this blog all year, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will pay off.

 

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Things That Really Frost My Ass – People In My Way at the Store

If stats are any indication, Uncle Hardass’s “Things That Really Frost My Ass” is one of the most popular posts on this blog.

Maybe I should just let the old geezer take over.

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

Hello 3.5 Readers.

“Things That Really Frost My Ass” with Uncle Hardass

Uncle Hardass here, reporting from the afterlife.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written on my good for nothing nephew’s blog.  I don’t want to encourage him with this writing horse shit.

You’re a writer, BQB?  Woopitty doo.  You can string together words and sentences.  GUESS WHAT?  You’re not special!  Get a job!!!  The salt mines are always hiring!

Anyway, where was I?  You know what really frosts my ass?

When you go to a store and you need to get one thing.  Just one little thing.  It’s all you need.  The trip should be quick and simple.

But when you get to the store there’s some goddamn jackass right in the way of the product you need.

And it’s never something that a lot of people need thus it makes sense that someone’s there.

It never happens when I…

View original post 885 more words

Steve Rannazzisi is an Epic Douche

Hey 3.5.

BQB here.

Very rarely do I ever get political or controversial on this site.

Actually, I think this would be the first time.

If you haven’t heard yet, Steve Rannazzisi, the comedian who plays Kevin MacArthur on FX’s The League, admitted to lying about being in the World Trade Center on 9/11.

According to news reports, he has, over the years, told a story during interviews that he worked in WTC, was jostled by the plane impact, and was able to leave the building in time to save himself.  That “experience” he said, motivated him to decide “life is too short” and to quit his job and head out to LA to pursue his dream of acting.

In his public apology, he claims that he began telling this story as a young man, that his was something stupid he did due to his youth and has long felt bad about it.

This makes me sad for a number of reasons, one of them being, I love The League.  

If you’ve never seen the show, it follows a group of friends in a fantasy football league who bring visit all manner of torture upon one another in the name of getting a leg up on their make believe sports game.

I’ll watch the final season because at this point, I’m invested in the show.  I’ve always found it to be unique and creative in a sea of just the same.

But after this, I fail to see how Rannazzisi ever works again.  Personally, I think lying about being involved in 9/11 is unforgivable but even if more open minded folk than I give him a break, I still fail to see how anyone could watch him in another show or movie and not think, “There’s the douche that lied about 9/11.”

So I’ll be very surprised if his career isn’t over.

Be honest, folks.  Lying has always been wrong, and in today’s information age, it’s easier to be caught in a whopper than ever.

More on this story from The New York Times.

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