Hello 3.5 losers. Zombie Trump here, doing Bookshelf Q. Battler one hell of a favor by making a special guest appearance on his pitiful excuse for a blog. Do you know that more people have read the ingredients on the back of those restaurant sugar packets than have read this lousy website?
I’ll tell you, BQB should be puckering up and smooching my rotten, undead derrière because getting me on this site is quite a get indeed.
OK, Battler. Get ready for the highest stats ever on this crap hole.
THIS IS GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEE!
So the gang is back and they’re broodier and angrier than ever.
Rick and Co. have spent the past five seasons surviving the zombie menace so at this point they’re all like “Look at us! We know how to live in the dirt and kill zombies and shit!”
Please. Who cares? What kind of a job is that going to allow you to acquire in today’s market?
Oh, by the way, I’m supposed to say SPOILERS ahead or else a bunch of you goons will whine I ruined your favorite show. Look. There’s no way to ruin this show. Zombies try to eat people. People fight back. Some of the people die occasionally. Other times they don’t. There you go.
So Rick’s crew reached Alexandria last season. Alexandria’s a settlement that has survived since the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, thanks to a local politician and her engineer husband WHO BUILT A WALL to keep out the zombies, thus allowing the survivors behind the wall to live productive, zombie free lives.
Hmmm, I wonder which other zombie candidate in the race for the office of President of All Zombies proposed building a wall? Walls work, people. Ask the Chinese. Have they been invaded by Mongolians lately? No. Thanks to the Great Wall. And Alexandria has been able to keep the zombies out thanks to their wall.
Anyway, rather than congratulate the Alexandrians on their foresight to build an anti-zombie wall, Rick and his hoodlums are all like “Waah waah waah, we fought zombies in the woods and wandered around Georgia for five years, blah blah blah, we know everything.”
Yeah clowns. Maybe you should have known to BUILD AN ANTI-ZOMBIE WALL. Stop demanding that others reward you for your own incompetence, losers.
This first episode was some kind of half black and white, half color Tarantino style nonsense where they jumped between the past and the future. I’m not going to lie. For the first half-hour, I thought my zombie television was on the fritz, but I knew that couldn’t be, because I reside at the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal, where everything is really classy.
The big problem the group faced is that there was some kind of ridiculous zombie dam that was about to break loose and send the zombies on a big charge towards Alexandria.
Zombies tend to have a herd mentality. Few are strong, independent forward thinking zombies like myself, who dare to pledge to make the Zombie Nation great again.
Rick’s big plan is to lead these zombies on a zombie parade, manipulating them down a path through sounds and (hey what do you know) WALLS designed to keep the undead from straying.
Wait a minute. So zombies are that easy to control? Just put a damn hill billy on a motorcycle and they’ll go anywhere you want them to? Doesn’t that kind of negate the last five seasons? Why doesn’t Daryl just lead all the undead off a cliff and save the world already then?
Seems like a big plot hole to this zombie. But then again, it is a show about people who fight zombies so I suppose you have to suspend disbelief a bit to enjoy it.
Just like how Bookshelf Q. Battler suspends disbelief about how sucktastic his blog is so he can bring himself to keep blogging anyway.
Enjoy your hits running off the rails, Battler. I’m off to dine on some first class brains at Chez Zombie Trump, the number one eatery in the world for zombies. It’s so extravagant it makes all other zombie eateries look like the Outback Steakhouse.
Zombie Trump out.