Daily Archives: February 15, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Parts 1-4

 

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Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-In-Chief

Bookshelf Q. Battler has locked himself away in BQB HQ, tapping away at the keyboard to write, “How the West Was Zombed” the first in what he hopes to be a lucrative series of “Zombie Western” novels, because he lives to make his 3.5 readers happy, and also because he wants to be paid.

But mostly, he’s doing this to satisfy the Mighty Potentate, the evil alien overlord who has charged BQB with writing novels awesome enough to convince the masses to abandon reality television, which the Mighty Potentate despises greatly.

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All Hail the Mighty Potentate.

If you like it or hate it, either way, give BQB your feedback.  Your comments help BQB improve his writing and we need BQB to become a better writer so that he can write a book that will save the world from a takeover by the Mighty Potentate.

PART 1 – The Stand

Marshal Rainier Slade, a genuine stoic who’d prefer to shoot a fella as soon as look at him, is the only man in Highwater willing to face the dastardly Buchanan Boys.  Reluctantly, he’s joined by his elderly deputy Gunther and the fast talking snake oil salesman Doctor Elias T. Faraday, who thinks the move would be good publicity.

When a misunderstanding occurs between Slade and Standing Eagle, Chief of a nearby Native American tribe, the Chief translates as his shaman, Wandering Snake, delivers an ominous curse.

Part 2 – Werewolves and Women

Miss Bonnie, owner, proprietor, and prostitute-in-charge of the Bonnie Lass, is the only woman, nay, the only person alive that Slade is willing to come out of his shell for.  The rest of the time, he puts on a raspy voice, angry faced persona to the world, figuring that’s the only way for a lawman to survive.

The Marshal fumbles a proposal but still makes it clear that he’d like a relationship with Miss Bonnie.  She declines, only to rethink that decision when Slade defends her honor.

Slade finds a new love interest in Sarah Farquhar, a widow who has just moved to town after purchasing a large stretch of farmland.  The Widow Farquhar doesn’t hesitate in pursuing Slade as Miss Bonnie did, but she’s not perfect.  Slade continues to yearn for Miss Bonnie and has concerns about the Widow’s bible thumping ways, her decree that all sexual activity occur through a hole in a bed sheet in particular.

The Marshal throws caution to the wind and successfully proposes to the Widow Farquhar, only to learn Miss Bonnie has the hots for him too late.

Meanwhile, former slave turned werewolf Joseph Freeman and his teenage son, Miles, also a werewolf, arrive in town.  Joseph is looking for work and takes a job assisting Slade and Gunther watch the Buchanan Boys until Judge Sampson arrives to conduct their trial.

All the while, strange reports of monsters are afoot.

Part 3 – The Trial

Judge Sampson, a by the book jurist who’d hang his own mother for stealing a piece of candy, is about to sentence the Buchanan Boys to their doom at the end of a rope when a newcomer arrives in his courtroom.

“Simple country lawyer” Henry Alan Blythe displays a supernatural ability to get people to submit to his will.  He convinces the Judge to let the Buchanan Boys off the hook.

Enraged at the injustice, Slade turns in his star.  Gunther does so as well out of loyalty, though less forcefully as concerns about ripping his vest get in the way.

Part 4 – History Repeats Itself

Joe Freeman’s past haunts him again and again and his longstanding feud with Blythe is about to come to a head.

Blythe, a villainous vampire/counsel for the Legion Corporation’s board of vampire directors, has dreamed up a scheme to conquer the United States with a zombie army that responds to his will.

But the board’s bureaucratic maneuvering threatens to throw his plan off the rails.  His bosses want him to toy with Slade and Freeman, rather than kill them outright.

 

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How the West Was Zombed – Part 4 – History Repeats Itself

Henry Alan Blythe is a bloodsucking lawyer and that’s not just redundant.  He serves an evil corporation and that’s not redundant either. As a vampire/chief advisor to the Legion Corporation’s board of vampire directors, he’s concocted a plan to overtake the United States with an army of zombies that obey his will.

But his bureaucratic bosses love to tangle everything up with blood red tape, demanding that he toy with werewolf Joe Freeman and Marshal Slade rather than kill them outright and remove the threat they pose.

Meanwhile, Lady Blackwood is open for a future “restructuring” of the board if Blythe’s zombie invasion plan pays off.

As for Freeman, a dark history has repeated itself twice and he’s not about to sit back as it unfolds for a third time.

Oh, and learn about the Hierarchy of Evil – #1 Vampire (Brains=Yes, Soul=No) #2 Werewolf (Brains = Yes, Soul=Yes) #3 Zombie (Brains=Technically but not really; Soul=no).

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Chapter 29           Chapter 30            Chapter 31

Chapter 32           Chapter 33             Chapter 34

Chapter 35           Chapter 36  

 

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 36

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Joe had let himself into Burt Townsend’s shop.  Luckily, Highwater’s premiere blacksmith didn’t have much of a work ethic, preferring to while away his time on a bar stool at the Bonnie Lass instead of doing anything productive. 

The fire had been stoked and above it sat an iron pot, filled with a piping hot, shiny syrupy gloop.  What had once been two candlesticks was now liquified silver.  Joe felt bad about taking them from the church without asking, but he did leave his seven dollars in their place and though he was sure that didn’t cover their cost, he was figured the higher cause they were being used for would balance everything out.

He gripped a bullet with a pair of tongs and dipped it into the silver, making sure to coat it all over.  He then laid it on a cloth next to the others.  Every piece of ammunition he had was ready.  He loaded up his pistol and rifle, then slipped the remaining silver coated bullets into a bandolier.

Joe doused the fire, packed everything up and walked out of town, all the way to the countryside.  There he found a tree, disrobed, and wolfed out under the moonlight.

“You never left did you?”

A minute passed before Joe heard his son’s reply, “No.”

You’re a man now,” Joe said.  “I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.  But if you won’t take my advice, then you’re responsible for the consequences of your choices.”

“I know,” Miles said.

“No you don’t,” Joe said.  “One way or another, this ends tomorrow night.  Preferably without you here, but even if you are.  You won’t like what happens.  You won’t like what you’ll see.  You won’t like what you’ll have to do.  I can guarantee you’ll wish you’d walked away.”

Pause.

“Are you going to talk forever?”  Miles asked.  “I’m trying to sleep.”

“Stubborn little prick,” Joe replied.

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The Walking Dead – Season 6, Episode 9 – “No Way Out”

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Hey 3.5 Readers.

The Walking Dead is back!

SPOILER ALERT!

Wow.  The general consensus is this is one of the best episodes of the series, perhaps the most emotional one.

We lost some recurring characters.  Jessie, Ron, Sam – the whole porch dick family is gone.

Rick’s Valentine’s Day was ruined.  He really wanted some Jessie action.

Carl’s eye is gone.  Poor Carl.

Father Gabriel had a redemption moment.

The Alexandrians had their stand.

Dale has replaced his crossbow with a rocket launcher.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 35

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The rail yard was a meandering catacombs of rusty, broken down train cars and junk parts.  Hewitt dug his claws into a locked door, expanded his arms left and right and created an entry way of his very own.

Inside, the car was filled with rotten food and tin cans.  Traveling hobos had been known to take refuge inside abandoned box cars.  Dust and spider webs filled with wrapped up insects added to the ambience.

Hewitt looked up as footsteps clanked across the roof.

Find anything?” Hewitt asked.

No,” Becker said.  “Caught his scent near the pig farm then it vanished.”

Hewitt bashed a new exit hole and stepped out just in time to see his partner land on the ground in front of him.

“That’s on the north side of town,” Hewitt said.  The little bastard could be half way to  Iowa by now.

“Damn it,” Becker said.  “You don’t think Blythe expects us to go all night with this do you?”

Hewitt split open the next box car as if it too were a tin can.  “You know how he is.  He’ll expect us to search for as long as it takes.”

Both werewolves jumped into the car and looked around.  Becker’s sniffer went to work.

“What is that?”

“Ugh,”  Hewitt said.  Some lowlife must have shit his pants in here.”

Hewitt cracked the opposite side of the box car open and jumped out.

“These things have doors you know,” Becker said.

“Not as fun,” Hewitt replied.  Come on.  We’ve got a long hunt ahead of us.”

The werewolves charged away on all fours into the night.

Back in the car, a pile of hay rustled.  Miles stuck his head out for a second to see if the coast was clear, then pulled it back in just to be safe.

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February 14, 2016 – The Nerdiest Valentine’s Day in History – Pris from Blade Runner, Ghostbusters 2

Hey 3.5 Readers,

Valentine’s Day this year was the nerdiest Valentine’s Day in history.

First, Ghostbusters 2, released in 1989, predicted that the world would come to an end on February 14, 2016.

Or at least a guest on Peter Venkman’s TV show did:

More on that from NY Daily News and link to the clip.  

Or just watch it here on Youtube in this video posted by ghostbusters.net

Remember, he had that lady on who said she was abducted by an alien and taken to his room at the Holiday Inn in Paramus, New Jersey?  Or that it might have been a room on the space ship designed to look like a room at the Holiday Inn?

Oh those sneaky aliens.

I saw Ghostbusters 2 in the theater when I was a kid.  I feel old as shit.

But wait, there’s more!  Pris, one of the replicants Harrison Ford chases in Blade Runner was created on February 14, 2016. She was played by Darryl Hannah.

Daryl reminded the Internet here and then the Nerdosphere went haywire:

So…in conclusion…

Happy Birthday Pris.  I’m glad the world didn’t come to an end so that you could be born, or I guess what’s it called when a replicant is born?  Incepted.  Today is Pris’ Inception Day.  Happy Inception Day.

Now that you’ve been incepted, please don’t kill William Sanderson and please don’t try to strangle Harrison Ford to death with your legs.

What a nerdy Valentine’s Day.  I’d like to thank the lonely nerds who spread word of these events for sticking true to their nerdyness and not spending the time on something crazy like, I don’t know, finding a date or something.

P.S. if that isn’t enough nerdy shit for you, The Walking Dead is back on the air and Deadpool tore it up at the box office.

 

 

 

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