World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking all the suck out of the world in order to make it a suck-free place for a new generation of non-suckers.
Perhaps you recognize me from one of my fine anti-suck books:
You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker
I Once Was Sucked But Now I’m Found
Get Outta My Life and Into My Suck
The No-Suck Zone
Suck Warriors, Come Out to Play (But Don’t Come Out to Suck)
Mad Suck: Beyond Suckterdome
I Can’t Fight This Sucky Feeling Anymore
One Sucky Day at a Time
Non-Suckadoon: My Dream of a Suck-Free Utopia
Get Your Sucky Hands Off Me, You Damn Dirty Sucker!
A Low Down Dirty Suck
3.5 readers, if you suck, I want to know about it.
In fact, here’s a message I received from one of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s readers just the other day.
Dear Vinny,
I have been a giant, economy sized suck bucket my entire life.
However, I recently started reading your anti-suck books and I immediately developed a desire to suck the suck right out of my life and join the world again as a productive, non-sucking member of society.
Alas, I just can’t find the motivation. I have sucked since Hillary Clinton was basically the president the first go around. We all know Bill was her unwitting pawn.
That’s a long time to suck and I just can’t wrap my mind around the possibility that there’s a suck free existence out there waiting for me.
Even though I don’t want to suck anymore, I can’t stop sucking. Every morning, I wake up, fully intending to cease my sucky habits, but sure enough, by noon time, I’m sucking up a storm.
What should I do? I don’t want to suck anymore!
Sincerely,
Trapped in a Suck Rut
Wow Trapped. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. That really sucks.
And honestly, I understand. Rome wasn’t built in a day and one simply doesn’t stop sucking overnight either.
You’ve been a sucker for decades. That’s a whole lot of suck to shake off.
I have three important words for you:
STOP…SUCKING…GRADUALLY!
I’m a very inspirational anti-suck advocate. What can I say? It’s a gift.
But what happens is someone reads one of my anti-suck books and instantly they want to purge all the suckyness out of their system pronto.
Can’t be done. Your body feeds off the suck now. The suck is in your blood.
Thus, if you try to quit all your sucky activities all at once, you’ll be back to sucking in no time flat. You’ll go into suck withdrawal and end up sucking far worse than you did before, you big dumb sucker you.
What you need to do is pick one sucky activity, drop that, and then once you feel like you no longer need to perform that sucky action anymore, you can move on to dropping the next sucky activity.
EXAMPLE:
I had a client once who:
Cheated on his wife by having sex with other men’s wives.
Cheated on his dog by petting other men’s dogs.
Cheated on his cat by petting every other cat in the neighborhood but his own cat.
Picked his nose at work and planted the boogers underneath his co-worker’s desk.
Tore tags off of his pillows and mattresses and set the tags on fire.
Spent all his free time writing Firefly fan fiction.
Posted his dumb opinions about the quality of his lunch on social media.
Farted in public with reckless abandon. Also posted about it on social media.
So, I was just all like, “Look, Client. You need to pick one of these sucky behaviors and drop it today.”
And I’m proud to say he did.
My client no longer writes Firefly fan fiction.
He still does all of that other sucktastic nonsense, but he’s been Firefly fan fiction free for a hundred days and counting.
I think he might just kick the Firefly fan fiction habit entirely.
In fact, when he’s up to two hundred days, I’m going to suggest that he start flicking his boogers into a trash can.
He can do it and I’m confident by the end of next year, I’ll get him to stop talking about his lunch and/or farts on social media.
We’ll get him to be loyal to his wife, dog and cat by the end of the decade.
De-sucking yourself is a slow, gradual process, Trapped.
But think about it this way: you didn’t suck yourself overnight, so you certainly won’t fully de-suckify yourself overnight either.
Be patient. All good things come to those who wait to not suck.
And while you’re waiting to not suck, don’t forget to check out my anti-suck books, available now at a bookstore near you that doesn’t suck.
Bookshelf Battle 