3.5 readers, drop everything you are doing. Seriously, I don’t care if you’re in the middle of brain surgery, either performing it or having it performed on you.
Today, we are, once and for all, going to figure out who Mommy was kissing in the song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
The year was 1952. The baby boomers were booming and everyone liked Ike. Sock hops and malt shoppes were frequented by youngsters and every woman’s middle name was “Sue.” Becky Sue. Peggy Sue. Annie Sue. You get the picture.
A young lad by the name of Jimmy Boyd records a song written by Tommie Connor. The song is a hit and an instant Christmas classic. It is unlikely you’ll get through the holiday season without hearing it at least one time.
But forget all that. Is Mommy having an affair with Kris Kringle?
I’ve got to know.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom, fast asleep
Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.
#1 – Mommy Kissed the Kid’s Father, Who Was Dressed Like Santa Claus
Once in awhile a father will go the extra mile and don a Santa suit to surprise his stupid little children. So perhaps this kiss was innocent. Perhaps Mommy was kissing Daddy.
- “Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, underneath his beard so snowy white.”
Hmm…inconclusive. Maybe it was a fake white beard and Mommy tossed it up to give Daddy the old tickle action. Or then again, one would have to move Santa’s beard in order to tickle his belly. Who knows?
- “Oh, what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.”
This line is typically cited as evidence that that Daddy was just dressed up like Santa. The songwriter may be trying to give the listener a clue where the listener goes, “Oh OK this was just a stupid kid who saw something he didn’t understand and then basically accused his mother of being a whore under false pretenses.”
Personally, I can buy this, but I would like to know whether the husband was known to work late or be out late and whether or not the couple was having problems.
Were other holiday icons known to frequent the house late at night? Did the kid ever see his mother kissing the Easter Bunny or engage in lesbian kissing with the Tooth Fairy?
The song just doesn’t give me enough info.
#2 – Mommy Cheated on Daddy With Santa
So, the kid is pretty convinced this is Santa. Kids are stupid. I can’t condemn Mommy just on the word of a little kid. Yet, it is noteworthy that the kid does seem pretty sure. Yet, due to his youthfulness, he doesn’t appear to understand the gravity of the situation.
“Oh what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Clause last night.”
Ahh. So sad. The words of a little mush brained child who doesn’t understand how the world works. No, Daddy would not have laughed to learn that his wife was unfaithful.
I’d like to know if the kid told Daddy about this. If Daddy laughed then, ok. Daddy’s in on the joke. Daddy dressed up like Santa and he laughs because the kid didn’t realize what was going on.
If Daddy doesn’t laugh upon being told this information, then he’ll surely question Mommy as to who she was kissing.
#3 – Mommy Was Kissing a Random Obese Bearded Man (Or, Mommy Might Be a Biker Bitch)
The kid doesn’t say he saw a red suit or any reindeer. Sure, a long white beard and a fat stomach is Santa’s signature look, but it is also the look of your average, run-of-the mill, unfriendly neighborhood motorcycle gang.
Do we know for sure that while Daddy is out working to support the family, Mommy isn’t making out with random bikers who look like Santa in exchange for her meth fix?
I’m not saying this is happening, but I’d like to know more.
#4 – Mommy and Daddy Were Role Playing
Daddy dressed up as Santa, not to spread holiday cheer, but because Mommy and Daddy are perverts who work costumes into their perversions. Today Daddy dresses up like Santa and asks Mommy to sit on his lap. Tomorrow Mommy dresses up like an Amazon warrior princess and gives Daddy a spanking.
Huh. Now I know why the 1953 sequel, “I Saw Daddy Getting a Spanking From an Amazonian Warrior Princess” was a total flop.
#5 – The Kid’s a Liar
Maybe he’s just a little turd that was naughty so Mommy sent him to bed without supper and so the kid got his revenge by recording a hot track in which he falsely accuses his mother of infidelity.
#6 – Daddy’s a Cuckold
Daddy knows Mommy kisses Santa Claus. Daddy likes to hide in the closet and watch.
#7 – The Kid Dreamed It
Maybe the kid isn’t a liar per se but maybe he has a wild imagination. Maybe he ate too many cookies before bedtime and the sugar rotted his brain.
#8 – Mommy Kissed a Bearded Woman
I’d have to know if the circus was in town at the time to be sure, but Mommy may very well have been kissing a portly bearded woman.
#9 – Daddy Looks Like Santa Claus
Maybe Daddy is also fat and has a white beard. Maybe this is an older couple who had kids late in life or maybe Daddy is like Trump and Mommy is like Melania where you have a couple with a large age difference.
#10 – Mommy is Straight Up Kissing Santa Claus Behind Daddy’s Back
Maybe Mommy’s a shameless floozy. Maybe Daddy is a jerk and has been denying Mommy his affections so Mommy sought comfort elsewhere in the form of an obese, bearded holiday icon. Perhaps Daddy has been giving it to Mrs. Claus on the regular so Santa and Mommy conspired to seek revenge and this is the best they came up with.
All I know is the kid seems pretty sure about what he saw. That’s all I’m saying.
Who was Mommy kissing in the “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” song 3.5 readers?
Discuss in the comments!