Boobs! So many boobs! Did I mention the butts?
BQB here with a review of Baywatch.
It seems like every generation has a show that is terrible of terms of plot, yet beloved and watched anyway. And in the next generation, that show is destined to be parodied and adults who used to love the show will love the parody.
The Brady Bunch, for example, was one of the silliest shows on TV in Uncle Hardass’ day. By the time I was a young man, the show was lampooned in a series of films where the Brady Bunch keep acting like they’re in the 1960s but in modern times.
Add Baywatch to the list of TV shows turned movie parodies. Honestly, the premise of the original show was so silly that it’s hard to believe that it, in and of itself, was not a parody. David Hasselhoff of Knight Rider fame used to parade his pecs around a California beach while Pamela Andersen and a bevy of other scantily clad beauties would show off their personal flotation devices. (Psst! I’m talking about their knockers! Awooga!) Somehow, the lifeguards would end up fighting desperadoes and solving beach related crimes in between rescues.
In this reimagining of the show, The Rock flexes his ridiculously awesome muscles as the new Lt. Mitch Buchannon, leader of the plucky young Baywatch crew. Zac Efron, also packing some fab abs himself (which I noticed purely in a speculative way and not in a gay way although I’m told there’s nothing wrong with that anymore) is new recruit Brody, a once beloved Olympic swimmer who has since hit the skids after an embarrassing occurrence at the Rio games.
Mitch and Brodie but heads throughout the film. Brody thinks he’s the best swimmer ever and has nothing else to learn. Mitch points out that Brody has the swimming part down, but needs to work on teamwork and life saving skills.
Also, to Brody’s surprise, fighting crime. Yes, as the group’s newcomer, he’s shocked to learn that whenever the lifeguards see crimes they don’t just, you know, call the police. Instead, with no law enforcement training whatsoever, they take it upon themselves to follow leads, track down suspects, and bring down bad guys themselves. The running joke of the film is that Brody is the only one who finds this odd.
Additional new recruits include Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) and Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass.) To the film’s credit, Baywatch, whether in TV form or this version, has always been known for putting the hottest beach bodies on TV. This time, the crew adds Ronnie the tech nerd, the only lifeguard with a flabby physique that requires him to run through the sand with his shirt still on. Naturally, he’s the comic relief and butt of many jokes because, you know, a nerd could never be just, really awesome and a super important member of the team but hey, baby steps. They let a chubby guy get a role in a film for beautiful people so you got to start somewhere.
Meanwhile, Alexandra is hot while Kelly Rohrbach is an epic inducer of boners in her reprisal of Pam Anderson’s CJ Parker role. Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing!
Cameos by Pam and Hoff themselves. Pam’s is somewhat humorous. Hoff’s is as well, though it doesn’t make a lot of sense.
In fact, little of the film does. Much of it is slapped together simply so you can enjoy the beautiful beach scenery and all of the hot boobs and butts and wonder where you went so wrong that you didn’t hit the gym more and get your ass out to California while you could have.
Hell, if you’re still breathing maybe it’s not too late. Start working out now and invest in hair dye. Also, find Pam’s plastic surgeon. Sigh. Do you know I don’t think there was a single man in the 1990s who wasn’t tugging it to the Pamster 24/7? Ahh, memories, like the corners of my mind…
Did I mention there are a lot of boobs and butts? There’s also a…uh…well I’ll let you see it for yourself but suffice it to say, there is one scene that I was surprised didn’t earn the film a XXX porno rating.
STATUS: Split decision. If you came for humor, action, boobs and butts, it’s an A+. If you came for something serious, you picked the wrong movie. Personally, I find it shelf worthy due to the boobs and butts. FYI none of them are uncovered but you know, close enough.