Daily Archives: June 28, 2017

Toilet Gator – Chapter 108



The chainsaw blade snapped against the toilet gator’s impervious skin. Feeling defeated, Cole tossed the saw into the water and rained his fists down on the alligator’s back.


Up on the roof, Sharon aimed her pistol at Skippy. A clear shot evaded as one second, there was an alligator in her field of view and the next, Cole, as man and beast thrashed about wildly in the overflowed street.

Down in the water, an exhausted Cole punched Skippy in the head repeatedly. “Die, damn you!”

Bonk. Cole felt a random object slap up against his head. As he looked up, he saw a rope ladder attached to…an Apache attack helicopter that just so happened to have fallen off the back of a truck.

The blades whipped around and around as the chopper hovered in a still formation, twenty feet above the ground.

“Come on, partner,” came the voice of Moses over the helicopter’s loudspeaker. “Ain’t no shame in retreating when you’re outmatched. Get on up here and live another day.”

Cole didn’t hesitate. He grabbed hold of the ladder and as he began to climb, the helicopter lifted into the air. As it did so, Cole narrowly avoided the gator’s snapping jaws as the monster jumped as far as he could out of the water before landing with a splash.

Moses spoke into the loudspeaker. “Hold on tight, boy! We’re going to strafe him!”

Cole held the ladder with a tight death grip as the helicopter moved forward for a bit. It then turned and pointed downward, giving Moses the angle he needed to turn the craft’s powerful, high caliber machine guns loose. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Skippy wasn’t phased i the least.

Moses made another turn and hurried back. This time, mounds of gooey, oozy, jellied gasoline dropped out of the helicopter, landing with a series of hot, fiery explosions all over Skippy’s back.

“Hoo-wee!” Moses shouted through the loudspeaker. “I love the smell of burnt toilet gator in the morning!”

“Did that napalm fall off the back of a truck?!” Cole shouted.

“Hell no,” Moses said through the loudspeaker. “Every God fearing American man knows how to make his own napalm. If we don’t educate ourselves on the basics of napalm preparation then the terrorists win.”
Meanwhile on the rooftop, the rest of the gang watched the helicopter in shock.

“Moses has broken over a thousand laws by bringing that thing here,” Sharon said.

“Yeah,” Rusty said. “But ain’t it cool?”

Sharon nodded. “Yes it is.”

As soon as the flames dissipated, Cole peered down at the water. Soon, he saw Skippy’s eyes poke out of the surface of the makeshift river.

“He’s still alive!” Cole shouted as he climbed the ladder.

“Aw hell,” Moses said. “Hold on, I’ll go in for another pass.”

“No!” Cole shouted. “Nothing can kill him! Just get us out of here!”

The chopper bucked through the air as the heavy rain and winds pelted it. The craft turned and Moses fired a barrage of rockets at Skippy. When the explosions ceased, the toilet gator was nowhere to be found.

Moses lowered the chopper closer towards the street river to get a look. “See anything?” he asked through the speaker.

Cole examined the water. “No…I think maybe…”

“RAARGA!” Skippy jumped out of the water and chomped down on the ladder, catching it in a mighty, steel-trap like grip. The enormous lizard was so heavy that he began to pull the chopper down.

Cole scrambled up the ladder. “Pull up!” he shouted. “Pull up!”

Up in the cockpit, Moses wrestled with the controls. “Can’t…he’s too…heavy!”

The helicopter went down…down…down. Suddenly, Moses could be heard arguing with someone over the loudspeaker. “Hello? Hell no professor, now’s not a good time…oh…hold on, I’ll put you on speaker…hey Cole! The Professor’s got something to say!”

Cole looked down to see Skippy’s big, angry yellow eyes staring up at him. “Now’s not really a good time…”

“Mr. Walker!” came Professor Elliot’s voice over the loudspeaker. “So glad I was able to catch up with you. Now then, I have been examining the footage of your fight with the alligator and I believe…”

“Skip to the good part!” Cole shouted.

“You must shoot him in a soft spot,” the Professor said.

“What?!” Cole asked.

“His impeccable genes have obviously provided him with skin that serves as high grade battle armor,” the Professor explained. “So, the solution is simple. Shoot him in an unprotected spot, like the mouth or the…”

“…eye,” Cole said.

“Why, yes, I suppose that would do,” the Professor said. “That would lead to a direct path to the brain.”

Cole held onto the ladder with one hand and drew his Angry Barracuda with the other. With only one shot left, he pointed the weapon at Skippy’s right eye. As he aimed, the helicopter drew precariously close to the water logged street below.

“See you in hell…toilet gator.”

POW! Skippy’s eye exploded. He opened his jaws to cry out in pain, releasing the ladder and allowing the chopper to rise in the process.

As the helicopter lifted up high into the air, Cole watched as Skippy’s limp carcass hit the water.

“Think we got him?” Moses asked through the speaker.

“God, I hope so,” Cole said.

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Mark Twain vs. Zombies – Vote for Your Favorite Cover

Yeah, so this happened.

Over the past year or so, I’ve been doing a running gag on this blog where I take Mark Twain quotes and add stuff about zombies to them…i.e. “When it comes to zombies, there are lies about zombies, damned lies about zombies and zombie statistics.”

I thought, hey, why not pack these all up and make a quick and easy quote book.

So I commissioned a cover contest thinking I can bang a quote book out really quick, but then after a a while, I began thinking about it, doing some Twain research, and I came up with a pretty sweet premise as to how Twain could have been a zombie hunter while he wasn’t busy writing.

So, downside, one more cover for a book I haven’t written yet.  But, oh well, I think my addiction is ok.  When I start giving hand jobs in the subway bathroom to pay for more book covers for books I haven’t written yet, then I will know I have a problem.

Vote for your favorite, 3.5 readers. 


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How are you, 3.5 readers?

You know how I am, but how are you?  Seriously, 3.5 readers.  We never talk anymore.