NATALIE BROCK: Witnesses on the scene reported that the ghost haunting the abandoned tuna fish factory was, in fact, an elderly real estate speculator engaged in elaborate scheme to drive down local real estate prices via an elaborate rouse. The suspect’s last words just before the police beat him senselessly and tazered him in all of his body cavities? “I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky kids and their dumb labradoodle.”
(Natalie shuffles some papers and turns to a different camera angle.)
NATALIE BROCK: In other news, the war in No-One-Can-Pronounce-This-Shitty-Country’s-Name-istan has come to an end, for now. Peace negotiators say that both sides have agreed to stay on their respective sides of the country and stop hacking each others’ taints up with machetes and to stop shooting rocket propelled grenades up each others’ butts. According to the newly elected prime minister, Buko Tuko A-doobie Doo, “No-One-Can-Pronounce-This-Shitty-Country’s-Name-istan will now and forever be a bastion of religious tolerance, a place where every man, woman, and child can worship God in whichever way they see fit, but seriously, everyone better start doing it my way quick if they don’t want to drown in their own tears and vomit as they watch all of their first born sons’ skulls get crushed underneath the powerful weight of my vast army’s tanks…Muah ha ha ha! Also, everyone keep voting for me or die. Thank you.”
(Natalie turns to a different camera.)
NATALIE BROCK: Good morning, USA. If you’re just tuning in, Kurt Manley, formerly America’s Favorite Anchorman, has retired from the news game to participate in an extensive, six month sex addiction rehab center, where we can only hope his testicles are snipped off and stored in the back of a high security vault where they can never annoy anyone ever again. I’m your new anchor, Natalie Brock.
(Natalie shuffles some papers.)
NATALIE BROCK: Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’m not the type of woman you are used to seeing on Network News One. I don’t have blonde hair. I don’t have big titties. I’m not even, quote unquote “hot.” I mean, I’m not so ugly that the mere sight of my face makes tiny school children cry, nor am I so attractive that you need to change your shorts every time you see me. I am, like most of you out there, average. That’s OK with me, and it should be OK for you, because I’m not here for you to fap to and yes, you sir, yes you, the man in Scranton, Pennsylvania with your hand down your pants. Yes, I’m talking to you. Put that thing down immediately.
(Natalie switches camera angles)
NATALIE BROCK: I’m not here to be fodder for your wet dream fantasy. I’m here to tell you what’s happening in the world, and to do that, you don’t need to be a hot ass blonde chick with big titties. You just need to be an experienced journalist with a nose for news and that, my dear friends, I am. Now, don’t get me wrong. We’re not getting rid of the Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties that you’ve all grown to love.
(A man off camera yells out, “Thank God!”)
NATALIE BROCK: Shut up, Dan. No, we aren’t getting rid of the Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties but in the name of diversity, I’m proud to announce that we will be adding Hot Ass Redheaded Chicks with Big Titties, Hot Ass Brunette Chicks with Big Titties, Hot Ass Black Chicks with Big Titties, Hot Ass Asian Chicks with Big Titties and yes, we will continue to add every color of Hot Ass Chicks with Big Titties imaginable until our network is one great big breasted rainbow.
(A man off camera yells out, “Dr. King’s dream is finally here!”)
NATALIE BROCK: Nobody likes you, Dan. No, viewers, we won’t take away the hot chicks with the big titties, but NN1 owner Roscoe Whipplethorpe has empowered me to make a few changes around here and so it is with great pride that I announce that this network will also be adding plenty of average women, women without big titties, women with average and yes, even below average looks, women who will be able to captivate you not with their looks but with their minds.
(A man off camera yells out, “Boo! Lame!” Natalie Brock points off stage.)
NATALIE BROCK: OK, you can go now, Dan! Yes, I said go! Go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
(Natalie looks at camera.)
NATALIE BROCK: I know it will take some getting used to, but after all, Network News One is America’s premiere source for news, information, and titties and as I told Mr. Whipplethorpe when he promoted me to this illustrious position, ‘Shouldn’t the titties attached to the women who bring you news and information on America’s premiere source for news, information and titties look like the diverse, melting pot of titties found throughout America on any given day?’ I think so.
(Camera pans out to show Walt sitting at the anchor desk next to a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.)
NATALIE BROCK: Coming up in the next hour, our very own NN1 cameraman Walter Kincaid will be interviewed by a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties about a book I co-authored with him about our award winning coverage of the toilet gator murders. I can hardly wait.
(Walter stares and drools all over the big titties.)
WALTER KINCAID: Me neither.
NATALIE BROCK: And you know what, while we’re making changes around here, I’m not going to make you wait through a bunch of crummy commercials, then sports and weather just to find out which one of the household products you use everyday is going to kill you, so here it is. Shoe polish makes your dick fall off. Don’t ask me how. A group of Canadian scientists have issued a study indicating that fumes from shoe polish can go up your nose and create a negative chemical reaction that literally makes your dick detach from your body, fall down your pants leg, and roll out onto the floor before coming to a full stop like a sad little lump of clay. Brubaker’s Magic Shoeshine Polish is the brand to avoid so if you want to keep your dick, stay away from Brubaker’s. Please enjoy these commercials and after that, we’ll be back with sports and weather. For NN1, I’m Natalie Brock, and I’m an average woman with medium sized titties.
ANNOUNCER: You’re watching Network News One. The hottest and also the smartest regular looking women whose titty size is none of your business! Oh yeah, and we’ll reporting the news and shit a lot more from here on.