Daily Archives: June 10, 2017

Toilet Gator – Chapter 90


The gang gathered around Cole’s kitchen table, finalizing their plans for the next day as they stared at a map of Sitwell.

“Everyone know where they’re supposed to be?” Cole asked.

“Yeah,” Maude said. “I should be on a beach in Hawaii with a Mai Tai in my hand. I’m too old for this.”

Burt, though still a Grover County Sheriff’s deputy, had joined in. “Me too.”

“What if the gator doesn’t take the bait?” Rusty asked.

“I think he will,” Natalie said. “When this all began, Buford sent me a text that stuck with me. ‘I am not in control.’ I’m not sure he ever was.”

“The alligator sounded like he was the boss when I caught them arguing,” Rusty said.

“And I think the alligator was making him text me,” Natalie said. “He loves the limelight.”

“Shit,” Rusty said. “It’s the Kim Kardashian of alligators.”

“Animals get smarter with every generation,” Professor Lambert said. “And yet humans continue to be so arrogant as to assume we are the only intelligent life on earth.”

Moses chugged a beer and burped. “I don’t know about y’all but I think the most intelligent thing to do now is to get some sleep.”

“Agreed,” Cole said. “Everyone rest up. It’s a big day tomorrow.”

The gang milled about Cole’s house as Cole retired to his bedroom. He removed his pants, sat on the edge of his bed, then detached his prosthetic leg. He rubbed his stump and closed his eyes, only to open them when Sharon entered the room.

“Oh,” Cole said. “Sorry, I should take the couch and you can sleep in here.”

Sharon pressed her finger up to her lips. “Shh,” she said as she sat down next to her ex-husband.

Cole reached for his prosthetic only to have his hand pulled back by Sharon. “Leave it.”

“But I…”

“It doesn’t bother me,” Sharon said.

“It bothers me,” Cole replied.

“It shouldn’t,” Sharon said.
Sharon and Cole stared into each others’ eyes for a spell before they shared a deep, passionate kiss.

“We shouldn’t,” Cole said.

Sharon grabbed the back of Cole’s head and pulled it closer to hers. “We should.”

“No,” Cole said as he pulled back. “What’s done is done.”

Sharon sighed. “Why do you think I left you?”

“This isn’t the time to get into this,” Cole said.

“It’s the perfect time,” Sharon said. “If something happens to one of us tomorrow…”

“It won’t,” Cole said.

“But if it does…”

Cole flopped back on the bed. “Fine. What do you want me to say, Sharon? ‘I’m sorry I decided to be the big hero.’ Is that what you want me to say? Do you need me to say our divorce was my fault so you’ll feel better? Fine. It was my fault.”

“I never thought it was your fault,” Sharon said.

“It was,” Cole said. “You married a strapping young man and you didn’t sign on for a gimp with a fake leg. I put myself in danger. I got my leg bitten off by the dog from hell. You didn’t sign on to take care of a cripple for the rest of your life so the second you heard about what happened to me, you ran. I don’t blame you. I blame myself.”

“That’s what you think happened?” Sharon asked.

“I know it’s what happened,” Cole said.

“You don’t know anything,” Sharon said.

“I know had the situation been reversed I wouldn’t have left you,” Cole said. “You could have gotten mangled in a car accident and ended up as nothing more than a talking head and I would have stayed with you for the rest of your life.”

“That’s…gross…and sweet at the same time,” Sharon said. “But mostly gross.”

“I’d of put your head in a duffel bag,” Cole said. “Taken you on long walks across the beach, bought you fresh tomatoes at the farmer’s market.”

Sharon plopped back in the bed next to Cole. “Oh my God. It’s been so long since we’ve been to the farmer’s market.”

“I would have waxed your head,” Cole said. “Propped it up in front of the television…”
Sharon chuckled. “Stop.”

“I would have gotten your head a special pillow…”

Sharon turned serious. “Cole I didn’t leave you because you lost your leg. I didn’t even find out about it until a month later when I read about it in the newspaper – that story about the benefit that Sitwell PD threw to raise money for your medical bills. You ever wonder who donated that five grand?”

Cole’s eyes widened. “That was you? I always thought it was Chief Haskell.”

Sharon nodded.

“Whatever,” Cole said. “Like that makes things better.”

“I put in my application with the FBI during my first year in law school,” Sharon said. “I never heard back from them until a week before I left. They contacted me out of the blue and told me to report to Quantico for training and that there was an appointment to the Miami field office in store for me. I kept trying to work up the courage to tell you but I knew in my heart you love this stupid hillbilly town and there was no way you’d be happy in Miami.”

“Bullshit,” Cole said. “Even if that’s true, you had no right to make that decision for me. I would have followed you.”

“And you would have been miserable,” Sharon said.

“You don’t know that,” Cole said.

“I know it because I’m miserable,” Sharon said. “Bright lights. Big city. Adventure. Excitement. I thought I wanted it all, Cole, but now that I’m forty I’m…”

“Tired?” Cole asked.

“Tired as fuck,” Sharon answered. “I just want those days back where we used to wake up late on Sunday mornings and go to the farmer’s market to buy fresh tomatoes, blueberries, oranges, strawberries and shit.”

Cole laughed.

“I’m not joking,” Sharon said. “Every day I go to work and there’s a new disaster waiting for me. There’s a new killer on the loose, or some psychopath threatening to blow up a building with all the people inside, or a kidnapping, or a big bank heist. I go to sleep every night and dream about opening up our own booth at the farmer’s market like we talked about.”

“We said that we’d do that when we’re older,” Cole said.

Sharon rubbed her hand against Cole’s cheek. “Newsflash dummy. We’re older.”

Cole rolled over onto his side. “I’m sorry you feel bad about leaving. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make you feel better, and I can say you shouldn’t have done it until I turn blue and pass out but that wouldn’t make me feel better.”

Sharon rolled over on her side and draped her arm over Cole, spooning him. Cole sighed. He enjoyed it but at the same time, he didn’t. He feared the excitement would fizzle and lead to nothing.

“There was another reason why I left,” Sharon said.

“Oh God,” Cole said. “I can’t wait to hear it.”

“I can’t get pregnant,” Sharon blurted out.

Cole rolled over on his back and faced Sharon. “What?”

“I had a physical a month before I left,” Sharon said. “Turns out I can’t have children.”

“And,” Cole said. “So…what?”

“I knew you wanted children,” Sharon said. “Hell, I wanted children, but I knew you’d be disappointed.”

“I…I wouldn’t have…”

“I know you wouldn’t have,” Sharon said. “I felt like if I stayed I’d be holding you back. If I left, then I could be the bad guy in your mind and you’d be none the wiser. I assumed you’d bounce back quick and find someone else, someone who could give you what you wanted. I never knew you’d…”

“Wallow all alone in a cesspool of my own self-pity for a decade?” Cole asked.

“You said,” Sharon said. “Not me. Cole, you need to believe me, when I left that morning, I had no idea what was going to happen to you that day and after I found out I just…”

“What?” Cole asked.

“It didn’t change anything,” Sharon said. “I still wanted the fast paced FBI lifestyle. I still couldn’t have kids. I figured even without the leg you’d still have no trouble finding someone but…”

Cole brushed his hand through Sharon’s hair. “…but she wouldn’t have been you.”

On that note, Cole and Sharon embraced and kissed wildly, filling themselves up on what they had been missing out on for so long. Sharon removed her shirt and began unhooking her bra when Cole threw out a question. “What about Gordon?”

“What about him?” Sharon asked.

“Is it right for us to…you know…so soon after his death?” Cole asked.

“Why not?” Sharon asked.

“Because,” Cole said. “You know…you two were…”

“We were what?” Sharon asked.

“Intimate,” Cole said. “Why are you making me spell it out?”

Sharon laughed.

“Doesn’t seem like an appropriate thing to make light of,” Cole said.

“Cole,” Sharon said. “Gordon was gay.”

“What?” Cole asked.

“Gordon was gay,” Sharon repeated.

“What?” Cole asked. “No, but he was…”

“Doing naked pushups in the motel room?” Sharon asked. “Yeah, I know. One of his more disgusting habits but hell, he put up with me clipping my toenails and leaving the clippings everywhere. I always meant to pick up later then I’d always forget. He’d step on them, make a big deal out of it.”

“But the wine?” Cole asked.

“I like a little wine in the evening,” Sharon said. “Big deal.”

“You called him studmuffin,” Cole said.

“Because he had a suitor who used to call him studmuffin,” Sharon said. “He used to call Gordon ‘studmuffin’ in front of everyone. It became a nickname.”

“So you two weren’t…”

“No,” Sharon said. “I don’t know, Cole. You know how it is when you have a partner. Sooner or later you spend so much time together you just end up feeling comfortable doing everything and front of each other. You and Rusty are the same way.”

“I would pop a cap in Rusty’s ass if he ever did naked pushups in front of me,” Cole said.

“It’s 2017, Cole,” Sharon said. “Naked pushups are nothing to feel ashamed of anymore.”

Cole seized his love and kissed her. “Maybe it’s time for me to do some naked pushups…”
Sharon giggled. “Oh, Mr. Walker…I thought you’d never ask…”

Cole’s phone was on the nightstand. It began to ring. He grabbed it. “Hello?”

“Cole,” Rusty said. “Callin’ from the other room.”

“I’m busy,” Cole said.

“Yeah,” Rusty said. “Check it, man. I’ve been meaning to tell you, Gordon was gay. I think you’ve still got an in with Sharon.”

“Shut up, Rusty,” Cole said as he flipped his phone shut and hurled it to the floor.

Cole and Sharon engaged in some foreplay for a while before Cole spoke up. “Leg on or off?”

“Off,” Sharon said.

“Fine,” Cole said. “But either you’re going to have to get on top or we’re going to need a big mound of pillows to prop me up baby.”

“That’s the hottest thing I’ve ever heard,” Sharon said.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 89


Night fell over Sitwell as Moses led Cole into the hanger bay of a small, regional airport on the outskirts of town.

Cole looked around. He was surrounded by boxes filled with guns, ammo, and various vehicles covered with tarps. The walls were lined with shelves filled with bottles of protein powder, boxes of energy bars and meals ready to eat.

“How could you possibly afford to rent a place like this?” Cole asked.

“Cole,” Moses said. “I’ve never poked my nose into your personal business before and I’d appreciate it if you’d extend me the same courtesy.”

“I’m just surprised is all,” Cole said.

“Let’s just say I did a lot of shit in my day,” Moses said. “While Uncle Sam had me globe trotting all over the world doing his grunt work, I came up with all sorts of creative ways to cut me off a slice of the pie while no one was looking. People may think I’m crazy for being a doomsday prepper but I only keep this stuff in the event of a rainy day and brother, that toilet gator is making it pour.”

“Well,” Cole said. “What have you got?”

“I haven’t got a handgun that can match the awesome power of your Angry Barracuda, but…”

Moses fished around inside a crate and pulled out a rather menacing looking grenade launcher. “They call it the six-pack. It can launch up to a half-dozen grenades at the pull of a trigger.”

Cole took the weapon and examined it. “Nice.”

“You feed one of those to our scaly friend and he’ll end up with a bad case of heartburn, let me tell you,” Moses said. “I once saw one of those vaporize a man. Like, the dude was a man one second and the next, he was like a mist of soupy blood and guts falling to the ground.”

“Sounds like he was liquified then,” Cole said.

“Don’t play word games with me Cole,” Moses said. “Your fancy two-year associate’s degree from SCC means nothing to me.”

“Sorry,” Cole said. “Where’d you get it?”

Moses smirked. “Let’s just say it fell off the back of a truck.”

“Gotcha,” Cole said.

Moses pulled out a large machine gun. “The M249 Squad Automatic Weapon, better known as the ‘SAW.’ They call it that because it cuts through the enemy like a chainsaw through a piece of rotten wood. You point this at that alligator and it will spit hot lead at that big green prick like hellfire screaming out of the belly of the devil himself.”

“Did that fall off the back of a truck too?” Cole asked.

“You know it,” Moses said.

The doomsday prepper opened up a large metal box. Cole marveled at the site of what appeared to be a large bazooka.

“The Javelin,” Moses said. “The most powerful anti-tank missile capable of being fired from the shoulder of a human. Whoever’s doing the firing needs to line the target up but once it has locked on, God help whatever poor son of a bitch gets in its way.”

“Truck?” Cole asked.

“Truck,” Moses answered.

“Military truck drivers sure are sloppy,” Cole said.

“That they are,” Moses said.

Moses opened up a box to reveal a brick of a white, clay-like substance wrapped in clear cellophane.

“C4,” Moses said. “Plastic explosive. Insert the detonator, blow it up on your terms at a time of your choosing. Fell off the back of a…”

“…truck,” Cole said. “I got it. Everything in here just fell of the back of a truck.”

“I did not steal any of this,” Moses said. “I’m just keeping it all safe until the military realizes they lost it and asks for it back. Not my fault if they’re taking forever to realize its gone.”

In the center of the room, a large object was covered by a tarp. Cole lifted it up a tad to reveal a piece of camouflaged color metal with the word, “APACHE” stamped on it.

“You’re kidding me,” Cole said.

“Nope,” Moses said.

“Don’t tell me that fell off the back of a truck,” Cole said.

“I can’t tell you that it did not, not fall of the back of a truck,” Moses replied.

Cole let the tarp fall back over the metal object and pondered what he had just seen. “Hmm.”

“What?” Moses asked.

“Nothing,” Cole said. “It’s just, that’d be too much, right?”

“Definitely,” Moses said. “Hell, if I take it out of this hanger I’d be breaking about a thousand different laws.”

“Exactly,” Cole said.

“Hell,” Moses said. “I’m in hot water just for having it here.”

“Yeah,” Cole said as he stared at the tarp covered object.

“Yup,” Moses added.

“Let’s forget we ever considered it,” Cole said.

“Entirely forgotten,” Moses said.


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Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #8


Network News One Transcript #8

KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene report the bank robbers took off all their clothes and had a menage a trios right there in the vault with nothing but their socks and ski masks on. Authorities had no idea whether to break the orgy up or let it run its course so they just hanged back and pretended to not notice anything was going on until it was all over. Legal experts say it’ll be quite some time before the bandits will be eligible for parole. In other news, Schmo Tech just released a brand new version of the Schmo Phone. Dubbed the Schmo Phone 12, it promises all sorts of advanced apps and features to justify the price hike. One of NN1’s Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties interviewed the legion of nerds camped outside the Big Apple’s Schmo Store, waiting to be one of the first geeks to get their hands on the device.

(Cut to a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, interviewing a nerd outside the Schmo Store in Times Square.)

RANDOM NERD: I’ve been a Schmo my whole life. I’ll always be a Schmo. Schmo Tech rules.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: But didn’t the Schmo Phone 11.9 just come out last Tuesday?

RANDOM NERD: Yes and it was awesome. I loved it.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: So why spend your money on a new version today?

RANDOM NERD: Because the Schmo Phone 11.9 is now an obsolete piece of garbage ready for the landfill. Schmo Phone 12 is where it’s at.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: But it’s only been about a week or so.

RANDOM NERD: Ugh. Don’t remind me. No one should ever be stuck with the same phone for more than a week. I mean, serious, what are we, cave people?

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Do you think there might be some profiteering involved? For example, this new Schmo Phone requires the user to buy a brand new charger and a brand new set of ear phones. Was it really necessary for these accessory ports to change?

RANDOM NERD: Of course. I totally trust the good people of Schmo Tech with all of my technology needs, and my personal information and the details of everything I’m searching the web for and the data behind everyone I’m calling and talking to and my daily schedule and all of my movements, where I’m going, what I’m doing, etc. There’s no way anyone at Schmo Tech would ever betray the trust that I have placed in them so blindly and carelessly.

(The Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties turns to the camera.)

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Well, there you have it, Kurt. Schmo Tech loves nerds and nerds love Schmo Tech.

KURT MANLEY: Thanks, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Don’t forget to grab one of those phones for me.

(Kurt turns to a different camera.)

KURT MANLEY: Back to our main story, the humongous toilet gator who has every man, woman and child in the free world scared literally shitless. Have you all recovered since seeing that footage of the Mayor of Sitwell, Florida being devoured by a vicious lizard of gargantuan proportions? I have to admit, that sight made your favorite anchor’s stomach just a tad queasy. Meanwhile, you all might be too scared to shit, but the politicians are never too afraid to talk shit. President Vinny Stugotz and Florida Governor Brian Graysmith held a joint press conference in Tallahassee to address the toilet gator situation.

(Camera cuts to Governor Brian Graysmith behind a podium as a gaggle of reporters wave their hands about, looking to have their questions answered.)

GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: Calm down, everyone. Calm down. Again, I’d like to remind you all that the one and only reason we are here today is to discuss the massive alligator that is currently on the loose, most likely on the run in our state’s sewer system and could very well be plotting to eat you and your loved ones while you defecate on the toilet. The President is a very busy man and I thank him for being here in Florida’s time of need. This is truly the darkest time period in our state’s history since we learned our chads were hanging. So please, limit your questions to the toilet gator and only the toilet gator and do not ask any questions about the ridiculous number of prostitutes I hired because if you do, you will be ignored. Yes, you! What’s your question?

RANDOM REPORTER #1: Governor, can you address allegations that you used public funds to pay for the ridiculous amount of hookers found in your hotel suite?

GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: You will be ignored! Next question.

RANDOM REPORTER #2 – Governor, should everyone run around screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs, panicking like a bunch of escaped insane asylum lunatics until the toilet gator is subdued?

GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: Yes, I think that would be…

(PRESIDENT STUGOTZ pushes Governor Graysmith aside and takes the podium.)

PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: OK, that’s enough out of you, lightweight. I’m sorry, I know, everyone tells me I should try to be nicer but I just couldn’t take it anymore. Governor Graysmith is a nice guy but believe me, he’s a total low energy loser and a big time hack. Believe me, OK? Believe me. Let’s talk about the toilet gator, OK? All you big losers in the media, you purveyors of fake news love to run around, stirring the public up, saying “What’s President Stugotz doing about the toilet gator?” and “Oh, shouldn’t President Stugotz have caught the toilet gator by now?” Listen. When it comes to catching toilet gators, no one is better at catching toilet gators than me, OK? Believe me. I’ve got a broad coalition of federal, state, and local officials combing the sewer system as we speak and we will find this toilet gator and bring his scaly hide to justice, that I can guarantee you. You are all so lucky to have my as president right now, OK, because believe me, anyone else would be quaking in their boots in fear of this toilet gator. Alright, I guess I’ll acknowledge you people in the media who are, quite frankly, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, a bunch of degenerate, scum sucking pigs. You’re all pigs. That’s all there is to it. Which one of you pigs has a question?

RANDOM REPORTER #3 – Mr. President, when you speak about the toilet gator in such unflattering terms, do you realize you’re insulting the entire community of alligators at large, many of whom are peaceful and law abiding?

PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: You’re a pig. Seriously. Take your underpants, pull them up over your back and attach them to your face because you deserve an atomic wedgie. Seriously. That’s what you deserve. Big time. Am I against all alligators? No. But for all the alligators out there, here’s the deal. You want to be an alligator in this country? You’ve got to play by the rules and act the way you’re supposed to. That means if you’re an alligator, you hang out in the swamp, maybe you eat a rat or frog or worst case scenario, a small child that wandered off from a campsite, just to teach the kid’s parents a costly lesson about responsibility. Maybe you can join the circus or a traveling carnival and do tricks but that’s all we want out of our alligators and if you behave yourselves, then you’ll have no problem from me. But, if you think you’re going to eat a bunch of God fearing Americans while they’re exercising their God given right to shit, no, not on my watch, bucko.

RANDOM REPORTER #4 – Mr. President, do you think it is possible to contain such an enormous beast?

PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: Listen up, pencil dick, and by the way, I don’t say that to be mean, I’m just stating a fact, that you have a tiny weenus, whereas mine is thick, long and girthy and if you don’t believe me, you can ask my supermodel wife, who is way hotter than your wife. That’s just a fact. It’s true. It’s totally true. Big time truth, here. And yes, you lowlife, I believe it is possible to capture the toilet gator because as long as I am president, anything is possible, OK? Keep in mind that all law enforcement officials have been instructed to kill the toilet gator on sight. However, if it ends up that the toilet gator is taken into custody, then I will be left with no choice but to build a wall around the toilet gator and make the toilet gator pay for it.

(The reporters wave their hands around, shouting out questions.)

PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: That’s enough questions for today. Remember, you’re all horrible people who should go home, take a long look in the mirror, and think about the many ways in which you have disappointed yourselves, your country, and your president. Stugotz out!

(Back to Kurt in studio).

KURT MANLEY: Some tough words for the toilet gator from President Stugotz. We take you now to Sitwell, Florida, where one of our Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties is standing by with Cole Walker, the former police chief of Sitwell.

(Cut to Natalie Brock standing with Cole Walker outside the Sitwell Community College Library.)

KURT MANLEY: I understand it’s been a rough day in Sitwell, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.

NATALIE BROCK: Indeed, Kurt. Earlier today, a joint task force raided the home of Mayor Beaumont Dufresne, the man seen earlier being eaten alive by the toilet gator in a live television commercial. Authorities were hoping to take the Mayor’s son, Buford Dufresne, into custody as he was suspecting of aiding and abetting the toilet gator.

KURT MANLEY: Get out of town. Are you telling me the toilet gator had a human accomplice?

NATALIE BROCK: It looks that way, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: This case is nuttier than a jar of chunky peanut butter.

NATALIE BROCK: Unfortunately, before the suspect could be apprehended, the toilet gator quite literally bursted onto the scene and gobbled up his conspirator as well as the entire task force.

KURT MANLEY: Holy flaming shitballs. That’s gotta be scary when the last thing you see in this life is the jaws of a hungry toilet gator coming at you.

NATALIE BROCK: Indeed. Meanwhile, the situation on the ground is getting intense, as citizens the National Guard has been deployed to enforce martial laws. Despite the increased military presence in the area, citizens continue to panic in a disorderly, reckless manner.

(Cut to a riot scene in downtown Sitwell. Looters run out of grocery store carrying stolen boxes of diapers. An angry rioter throws a trash can through the window of another store, then runs toward the camera with his arms flailing to and fro.)

ANGRY RIOTER: I’m panicking in a disorderly, reckless manner! ARRGH!

(NATALIE BROCK returns to screen).

NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, I’m joined by ex-police Chief Cole Walker, who has asked to speak to the toilet gator directly.

KURT MANLEY: Have at it, Mr. Walker.

(Natalie stares at Cole, who blinks at the camera.)



(Cole appears nervous. His hand trembles as he pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket, unfolds it and begins to read it.)

COLE WALKER: I’m sorry. I’ve never been on TV before.

KURT MANLEY: Relax, fella. You’re doing fine. If a bunch of dumb blonde bimbos with big racks can do it, then it’ll be a cinch for you, right Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties?


(Cole reads his note in a monotone voice, devoid of feeling.)

COLE WALKER: Attention, toilet gator. You have eaten a lot of private citizens who had no idea you were coming, as well as a joint task force who didn’t have any idea how to handle you. I have a question. Do you think you can take on an experienced hunter like me, a man who has faced some of the toughest animals in nature and is still here? I doubt you’d last long against me. In fact, I’m willing to bet you have a tiny alligator penis and my human penis is way bigger than yours. You wouldn’t last three seconds against me, but if you want to prove me wrong, meet me in the men’s restroom of the Sitwell Park Mall and we’ll finish this once and for all. Man vs. Alligator, mano a mano, human vs. reptile combat. Fail to show, and I will return to the airwaves to tell the world that you are little more than a giant green pussy with teeth.

(Cole looks up from his note.)

COLE WALKER: Thank you. That is all.

KURT MANLEY: Wow. “A giant green pussy with teeth.” Sounds like the third Mrs. Manley. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The toilet gator has been called out. Will he rise to the challenge? Man vs. Beast. Stick with NN1 to find out who wins. That’s it for now. Coming up in the next hour, is there a brand of butter that can turn an English muffin into a hot flaming disc of death? Better stop eating that muffin for now and we’ll tell you which brand of butter that is in the next hour, right after sports and weather. Stay tuned for these commercial messages.

ANNOUNCER: Network News One! The hottest blonde chicks! The biggest titties! Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit.




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Writing Choices – Orange is the New Black and Polarizing Social Issues

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here with another installment of “Writing Choices.”

If you’re like me, you look forward to OITNB’s return in June every year on Netflix.  It’s been a guilty pleasure for me for a long time now.  Hard to believe the fifth season started streaming yesterday.

I have only watched the first episode of the fifth season so I can’t give you any new spoilers and would appreciate you not giving me any.

That’s ok because I actually want to talk about the last episode of Season 4.

Police shootings and/or fatalities in police custody have been in the news a lot lately in the past few years.  This topic is often polarizing.  One side usually says something like, “There’s no excuse when people die in police custody so throw the cops in jail!”  and then the other side is all like, “You have no idea how hard it is to be a police officer, what with the split second, life or death decisions that they have to make every day.  You could never do it yourself so stop being so hard on the police.”

Is it possible that there are times when an accident happens and no one is at fault?

Case in point, and LOOK AWAY BECAUSE A BIG SPOILER IS COMING, at the end of Season 4, dies while being pinned to the floor by CO Bayley.  We’re never really given a clear explanation as to how the death happened.  Basically, he holds her down and after a short time, she’s not moving or breathing anymore.

Tragic.  Sad.  The public demands someone to blame.  The company that oversees the prison immediately wants a scapegoat to present to the public.  At first, they demand Warden Caputo get on TV and portray Poussey in a negative light, that she was a bad egg, out of control, etc.

Caputo won’t do that so then the company shifts gears and demands that Caputo throw Bayley under the bus.  They find an old photo of Bayley dressed up as Rambo for Halloween and want to portray him as some kind of violent, militaristic nut job.

Caputo refuses to do that either.  Instead, he goes on TV and gives his take – that the prison is overcrowded, understaffed, and that a young officer who was barely trained was thrown into a situation he had no idea what to do with and a tragic accident happened.

Caputo’s explanation satisfies no one, especially a public that tends to see issues as black and white and demands that a villain be strung up anytime something goes wrong, but he is convinced he made the right call.

In a flashback episode, we see CO Bayley and Poussey at an earlier time, before they ended up at Litchfield as an officer and an inmate, respectively.  Bayley is a recent high school graduate and a total doofus who has just been fired from an ice cream parlor job for giving free ice cream to girls he likes.  Poussey is young and care free as well.

Bayley and his buddies and Poussey and her friends go on an outing to New York City.  In one fleeting scene, Bayley and Poussey pass each other on the street, neither noticing the other because they had yet to meet and had no reason to recognize each other but the point was clear – life may seem great now but you never know when it will take a turn for the worse.  You’re out there today, trying to live your life, trying to make the most of it but then, wham, it could all come crashing down in an instant.

But the other meaning behind this scene – they were both young, dumb kids.  Poussey was doing her best until she made a mistake that landed her in prison.  Bayley was trying to do his best, getting a job at a prison in the hopes of supporting himself, restraining an inmate as he was ordered to do except he did it wrong…life is good, until you screw up, and then it isn’t.

Poussey never set out to become a convict.  Bayley’s life long dream wasn’t to kill someone.  Somehow, shitty things just happen and shitty results happen.

Overall, I felt Season 4 of OITNB handled this very polarizing issue in a way that was fair to all sides.  Perhaps there are times when a tragedy happens and there isn’t someone who can be clearly pointed to as the villain.

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My Book is Free This Weekend!

Hey 3.5 readers.

I know.  I’ve become “that guy.”

The guy that repeatedly tries to give away his book instead of coming up with something new and interesting to say.

I can’t help it.  I’m like a proud father and this book is my baby.  So, just reminding you all it is free this weekend – totally FREE, so download your copy today and check it out.

That’s it.  I’ll zip my lip about it for a while.  Well, I might remind you tomorrow, possibly Monday, but that’s it.  Scout’s honor.


Bookshelf Q battlers for Amazon




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The Greatest Anti-Zombie Quotes in American History – The American Revolution

“It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, “Make peace with the zombies of Great Britain!” but there is no peace. The anti-zombie war is actually begun! The next undead gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms, arms that will no doubt be used to rip the brains right out of our skulls so that they may be feasted upon. Our brethren are already in the field! Many have been devoured whole by wretched zombies!  Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Will you give your brains to a filthy limey zombie for it?  Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give my brains to a zombie!”

  • Patrick Henry

“These are the times that try men’s brains.”

  • Thomas Paine

“We must all hang together or, assuredly, we shall all hang separately.  Also, our corpses will be fed to zombies.”

  • Benjamin Franklin

“I have not yet begun to fight zombies.”

  • John Paul Jones

“Don’t fire until you see the whites of the zombies’ eyes.”

  • Israel Putnam