Daily Archives: June 15, 2017

Toilet Gator – Chapter 99

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“Cole!” Sharon shouted. “Are you crazy?!”

Cole gripped the gator’s skin with every ounce of strength he had in him, holding on tight as Skippy pressed forward, bucking wildly to the left and right in a vain attempt to throw Cole off while he chased the Diablo.

A bullet whizzed past Cole’s head.

“Rusty, you asshole!” Cole screamed. “Cease fire!”

The skies opened and the rain poured down heavily. This made it even more difficult for Cole to hold on. Plus, the poor weather interfered with the group cell phone conversation. Cole could barely make out the words that were being spoken to him through the static.

“My bad,” Rusty said. “Bzztt bssshhhkktz…I was aiming at the gator.”

Cole pulled out a long, incredibly sharp combat knife with a jagged edge from a sheath clipped to his belt. He used his left hand to clutch the gator’s hide even harder, while he used his right hand to raise the blade high into the air and bring it down onto the gator’s head.

Snap! The blade broke off as soon as it hit the gator’s head, flew into the air and clattered on the highway below.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Cole said.

“Cole,” came the voice of Maude in Cole’s ear. “Are you ever gonna put on some pants or are you just gonna let your tucas flap in the breeze all day for the entire world to see?”

“Not exactly my top priority right now, Maude!” Cole said.

“Yeah, well, make it a priority to get off that gator,” Maude said. “How in the hell am I going to shove this big rig up his ass when you’re riding him like Seabiscuit?”

Cole turned to the right and looked at the giant, gator-sized dent in the trailer attached to the right Burt was driving. “Doesn’t look like it will work.”

“Won’t hurt to try,” Maude said.

Sharon and Rusty were ahead of Cole. Maude’s truck was to the left. Burt’s truck remained on the right. Behind him? A plethora of fast moving cars that were virtually certain to run him over if the gator didn’t find a way to mangle him first.

Cole spotted a bright, shiny grab bar next to the driver’s side door of Burt’s truck.

“Here goes nothing,” Cole said. With his one and only leg, he pushed off of Skippy’s back, narrowly missed being snapped between a set of gator jaws, and snagged hold of the grab bar with his right hand.
Burt rolled down his window. “Son, you must have a death wish!”

The old man kept one hand on the wheel of the big rig and offered Cole his left hand. Cole grabbed it, shimmied through the open window and into the passenger’s side of the cab.

“Oh God,” Cole said as he struggled to catch his breath. “Oh my God.”

“Looks like killing a toilet gator is harder than we thought,” Burt said.

“You think?” Cole asked.

The Diablo swerved and sideswiped Maude’s rig.

“Whoa,” Maude said. “Watch it there, girly!”

“This thing handles like shit in the rain!” Sharon said. “I’ve got to get off.”

“Take the next exit,” Cole said. “We’ll head downtown and box him in.”

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Best Pickup Lines – #175-200

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#175 – Picture it.  You and me on a deserted island.  Also, there’s a monkey playing a banjo.  The monkey serenades, then starts touching himself.  We want to look away but oddly enough, we cannot.  We then make hot passionate live while the monkey periscopes the entire affair.

#176 – I’m the other white meat.

#177 – Can I check you for stretch marks?

#178 – Can I check you for track marks?

#179 – Can I check the marks on your college transcript?  I don’t want to date a dummy.

#180 – Can I check the marks on your college transcript to make sure you did poorly?  I find that dummies make the best dates.

#181 – You’re so brave to go out in public, looking the way you do.

#182 – Nice dress.  Do you always shop at the curtain store?

#183 – I want to kiss you all over…but first…liquid courage!

#184 – Would you like to travel the world?  Would you also like to pay for all my tickets and travel expenses?

#185 – I’m a masseuse.  My foldable table is in my trunk.

#186 – Did you know that one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble?  God, I wish Chess would get the band back together again.

#187 – I can take off my underwear without removing my pants.  Care to see?

#188 – This hair is mine.  Seriously.  I have the receipt.

#189 – My back hair is thick and lush.  You’ll feel like you’re running your fingers through a luxurious shag carpet.

#190 – Are you a religious woman?  No?  Don’t worry, I’ll have you screaming “Oh God!” by the end of the night.

#191 – Can we divvy up this bar tab?  I had like one beer and you had a million rum and cokes.

#192 – All my past girlfriends are famous.  They always end up with their faces plastered all over milk cartons.

#193 – I’d say it’s love at first sight, but I’ve been staring at you through your bedroom window for years now.  Whoops!  I let the cat out of the bag.  Silly me.

#194 – I’m a male prostitute and I charge by the hour.  How many hours can I put you down for?

#195 – Let’s do this!  I just popped a viagra and I don’t want to waste it.  Do you have any idea how much those pills cost?

#196 – Girl, you so fine you blow my mind.

#197 – May I have this dance?  No?  Fine, who needs you anyway?

#198 – I floss.  My dentist tells me I have the gums of a thoroughbred race horse.

#199 – What would you do for a Klondike bar?  I’m just curious because I have a whole box of them at home.

#200 – I’m so lonely.

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BQB’s Writing Prompts Dropped to 99 Cents!

Ugh.  Look how low I’ve fallen, 3.5 readers.  The 99 cent bin already.

It was free for five days and in that time I gave away 120 free copies.  I thought that was a good start.

I think it is worth more.  It’s got a fabulous cover and some pretty funny content.  However, after two days without a sale at $2.99, I decided that it would be better for the long run to just concentrate, for now, on bringing in more fans and then the profits will come later.

So, I’ll get a whopping 35 cents per 99 cent copy I sell, which should earn me an astounding $1.23 if all 3.5 of you fine readers buy a copy.

Just don’t do it all at once.  I’m worried that extra $1.23 might move me into a higher tax bracket.

Buy my book here.

Bookshelf Q battlers for Amazon

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