(Somber music plays as the camera fades in on a sparse studio, where a beautiful, large breasted woman sits behind the news desk. She wears a fur hat with a red star in the center and a red bikini featuring a hammer on one breast and a sickle on the other.)
Hello, comrades. Is I, your most trusted and revered anchorwoman, Katerina Dashenko, reporting for Nyetwork News One-ski, the most glorious and also only state approved television reporting service for the most wonderful Russian Federation, which, as we all know, is the greatest country on the face of the Earth and it will always make that vile cesspool known as America look like a pile of dog fecal matter crushed underneath the powerful boot heel of our most amazingly virile president, Anatoly Popov.
(Katerina shifts camera angles.)
In today’s news, our most fantastic President Popov has been voted the sexiest man in all of Russia for the 3000th day in a row. President Popov also coasted to victory over all of his challengers for the presidency, and would most likely done so if they had all not been coincidentally thrown off of rooftops onto sharp spikes and fed to dogs in a totally legitimate and non-suspicious manner. Congratulations to you, Mr. President, for most deserved victory.
And now it is time for the weather with our meteorologist, Boris Sokolov. Boris, how is the weather in Siberia today?
(Cut to a chubby man in a brown coat and fur hat standing in the middle of a blizzard.)
Is so fucking cold, Katerina.
This is your official approximation of the weather in Siberia, Boris? That it is so fucking cold?
Indeed, Katerina. Is so cold my dick froze off this morning. I am dick-less now.
Tell me something I don’t know, comrade. So sorry to hear it is so fucking cold in Siberia. I pity all of the poor fools who have been sent to work their in the completely volunteer, non-forced labor camps because that’s what they wanted to do and not because they criticized our most glorious President Popov.
(KATERINA turns to another camera.)
In sports news, President Popov is such a manly son of a bitch that he scored one thousand goals in today’s hockey match and further, in entertainment news, the one and only movie available at the box office is “The Road to Awesomeness: How Anatoly Popov Became the Best President of Russia Ever and Why All Vaginas in His General Vicinity Get Super Wet Whenever He Flexes His Muscles” has been made required viewing for all citizens.
In science news, are you aware that ten out of ten of our most highly intelligent Russian scientists have declared that waiting in line for toilet paper can strengthen your buttocks and slow the aging process? Send one of the fifty family members in your one room apartment to go stand in the toilet paper line and we’ll tell you more about this informative study after these state approved commercial messages.
ANNOUNCER: You’re watching Nyetwork News One-ski. The hottest babushkas! The biggest tatushkas! Oh da, and we always report the best news about most interesting and intelligent President Anatoly Popov.