Bookshelf Battle Log #4 – Masterbating Goblins Are the Worst

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3.5 readers, I have to let you in on a piece of information that’s well known to the monster fighting community but is a virtual secret to the general public.

Goblins are chronic masterbaters.  Seriously, they are never NOT tossing the monkey, slapping the salami, bopping the baloney or what have you.

You know what’s worse?  They have these bright yellow, beady little eyes and while you’re trying to sleep, they just stare at you and fap, fap, fap away, tugging at their tiny, syphillis ridden goblin dongers.  Their faces are usually like, one to two inches away from yours.

You ask them to move, they just sort of go, “Ungh” and then fap faster.  And there’s never a release.  Like, what’s the point?

I know.  Disgusting.  I’m telling you this because I’m currently babysitting and/or protecting one such masterbating goblin.  Why would I want to do that?  I really don’t want to, but he’s a witness in a case being brought in an underground world.  He saw one masterbating goblin murder another masterbating goblin.  The masterbating goblin mafia was involved.

You know what?  I’ve said too much.  Long story short, the Council of Masterbating Goblin Justice asked me to protect the little guy until he can give his testimony…while masterbating.

Oddly enough, I’m honored to have been asked…though I really wish the little guy would stop masterbating…and also to stop staring at me with his face an inch away from mine.

Did I mention that if you do eventually succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep, the little asshole will start licking your toes?  Last night I feel asleep and when I woke up, my toes were like prunes…covered in spit.

God, I hope that was only spit.  I might have to double check and make sure they don’t release.  Stupid masterbating goblins.

Hey reader, this is the worst segway ever, but while I’m busy keeping an eye on this masterbating goblin, keep yourself entertained by checking out my movie reviews.  I watch more movies than I read books.  Ironically, I should have named myself “Moviescreen Q. Watcher” but I don’t have the energy to change my name now.

Down, masterbating goblin!  Down!  You’re bad masterbating goblin!  Bad, bad!

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