Category Archives: Bookshelf Battle Log

Bookshelf Battle Log #5 – Searching for the Loch Ness Monster

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Hey 3.5 readers.

The job of a professional badass is never done and today I’m in Scotland, investigating rumors that the Loch Ness monster was not only seen, but she was seen using a hula hoop, playing a saxophone and ingesting large amounts of a white, powdery substance.  I’m going to assume it as pixy stix dust and not, well, you know, cocaine.  It’s been my experience that monsters really love cocaine though so you never know.

I don’t recommend taking cocaine, 3.5 readers and I also don’t recommend taking Bookshelfitol, but you should still read the commercial for it by clicking here.

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Bookshelf Battle Log #4 – Masterbating Goblins Are the Worst

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3.5 readers, I have to let you in on a piece of information that’s well known to the monster fighting community but is a virtual secret to the general public.

Goblins are chronic masterbaters.  Seriously, they are never NOT tossing the monkey, slapping the salami, bopping the baloney or what have you.

You know what’s worse?  They have these bright yellow, beady little eyes and while you’re trying to sleep, they just stare at you and fap, fap, fap away, tugging at their tiny, syphillis ridden goblin dongers.  Their faces are usually like, one to two inches away from yours.

You ask them to move, they just sort of go, “Ungh” and then fap faster.  And there’s never a release.  Like, what’s the point?

I know.  Disgusting.  I’m telling you this because I’m currently babysitting and/or protecting one such masterbating goblin.  Why would I want to do that?  I really don’t want to, but he’s a witness in a case being brought in an underground world.  He saw one masterbating goblin murder another masterbating goblin.  The masterbating goblin mafia was involved.

You know what?  I’ve said too much.  Long story short, the Council of Masterbating Goblin Justice asked me to protect the little guy until he can give his testimony…while masterbating.

Oddly enough, I’m honored to have been asked…though I really wish the little guy would stop masterbating…and also to stop staring at me with his face an inch away from mine.

Did I mention that if you do eventually succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep, the little asshole will start licking your toes?  Last night I feel asleep and when I woke up, my toes were like prunes…covered in spit.

God, I hope that was only spit.  I might have to double check and make sure they don’t release.  Stupid masterbating goblins.

Hey reader, this is the worst segway ever, but while I’m busy keeping an eye on this masterbating goblin, keep yourself entertained by checking out my movie reviews.  I watch more movies than I read books.  Ironically, I should have named myself “Moviescreen Q. Watcher” but I don’t have the energy to change my name now.

Down, masterbating goblin!  Down!  You’re bad masterbating goblin!  Bad, bad!

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Bookshelf Battlelog #3 – I Must Murder 1,000 Chupacabras

3.5 readers, it isn’t easy being BQB.  I have to murder vampires, zombies, werewolves, all of that.

But I must all destroy the lesser known freaks, like chupacabras.  Yes, chupacabras.  Have you heard of them?  Maybe yes, maybe no.

They aren’t as popular.  They literally suck the skin off goats, so you know, there’s not going to be a Twilight for chupacabras.  No one’s writing a chupacabra love story.  I mean, I could, because I’m that good a writer (and humble) but I’m busy.

Look, you don’t need the details.  Suffice to say, an evil warlock has threatened to magically turn the wife of every man in the greater Tri-state area into a clone of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Now, yeah, I’ll admit, for some dudes with hideous wives, that’ll be an improvement.  Plus, you might be like, “SJP is hot!” and like yeah, if you look at her from one angle, I’ll give you that, but then if you look at her from another angle, she’s got a horse face.  Like, she looks like a horse lady.  Like, I wouldn’t know whether to kiss or click my tongue three times and give her an apple and brush her coat.  It’s confusing.  Men don’t need that problem.

So, fear not.  I will murder 1,000 chupacabras and then the warlock will be on his way.

While you’re waiting for me to finish besting this goat suckers, why not read some of Search Engine Optimized Poet’s SEO Optimized Poetry?  Full of buzz words that are sure to rack up the clicks!

SEO POET’S POETRY – CLICK AWAY!

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Bookshelf Battle Log #2 – 11/01/17 – BQB vs. the Yakuza

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Hey 3.5 readers.

If you’ve read this blog for awhile, then you’re aware the Yakuza and I have never been fully simpatico.  A shame really because I am a fan of the martial arts and could teach them a thing or two if they would just be cool and listen.

Alas, they are always after my magic bookshelf.  So currently, I am in Japan, fighting dozens of Yakuza assassins, defeating them all as they come at me with swords, nunchaku, throwing darts, spears, sai, and yes even grenades and machine guns and all I have to fight them off with is my pinky finger and some chewed bubble gum that I didn’t even get to chew myself, go figure.

So, I’ll be at this for awhile.  While I figure out the Top Ten Ways to Defeat a Yakuza Assassin, why don’t you take a good look at my Top Ten Lists?  They are hilarious, if I say so myself, and you’ll be glad you did.  Or maybe you won’t be.  Maybe you’ll be sad you wasted so much time of your life.  Oh well.  Do it or don’t.  I don’t care.  I’m too busy fighting Yakuza assassins.

BQB’s Top Ten Lists

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