I might cave to the pancake lobby and switch my allegiance from waffles to pancakes.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Author Archives: bookshelfbattle
BOOK REVIEW – LOCK-IN – John Scalzi
Woo hoo! An honest to God book review on bookshelfbattle.com! It’s about time!
Threeps are now walking around on my bookshelf. They can hold their own in the never-ending battle.
Without a doubt, John Scalzi’s Lock-In was the best book I read in 2014. Unfortunately I waited until March of 2015 to review it, but better late than never.
If you’re planning to read it yourself, you might want to click off of this review. I’ll try my best to avoid them, but some spoilers may emerge.
First off, the premise is unique and original. In the near future, a virus ravages the world and inflicts one percent of the population with Haden’s Syndrome. This condition causes people to “lock-in” to their bodies. Their minds work, they understand what’s happening around them, but they can’t speak or move. Their minds are trapped in paralyzed bodies.
These individuals come to be known as “Hadens.” Technology grows and expands to help them. A virtual community is created allowing them to communicate with one another in a simulated world. Meanwhile, Hadens also have the ability to control robots known as “threeps” (aptly named as an homage to C-3P0).
Hadens stay at home and send threeps out into the world on their behalf. The technology is so advanced that Hadens are able to hold down jobs with the assistance of their threeps.
Add to the mix integrators – humans whose minds can be “shared” with a Haden, thus giving the Haden the experience of what it feels like to have a functional human body.
The protagonist is Chris Shane – a Haden FBI agent whose threeps take a beating from the bad guys throughout the novel. With the help of his partner, Leslie Vann, a former integrator, Shane is tasked with solving a murder case that intersects with the politics and intrigue behind the Haden world.
I am a big Scalzi fan. I enjoy his ability to blend subtle humor into serious science fiction. The premise makes for some interesting scenes. For example, at one point, Shane uses his threep to foil an assassin trying to kill Shane’s defenseless body.
The book also gives rise to a discussion of virtual worlds and technology assisted realities. Could tech ever grow to the point where the paralyzed are able to experience the world virtually? What would be the ramifications?
I enjoyed it and highly recommend it.
STATUS: Shelf worthy.
A Response from the Yeti
UPDATE: The Yeti sued me for punching him in the face, but only brought his case before the court of his Siberian yeti village. Naturally, I’m not going to traverse the globe all the way to Siberia just to partake in a kangaroo court operated by, you guessed it, a bunch of smelly yetis. Yetis who are sympathetic to the yeti in question.
The yeti won a judgment in the amount of 3.5 dollars, which, in a stunning coincidence, is the entire 2015 budget of for the Bookshelf Battle. I hope you all weren’t expecting any special effects.
I haven’t decided whether I’ll just pay the snow beast or just punch him again if he comes to collect. It is only 3.5 dollars, but it’s the principle of the thing.
I have to say at this point I’m leaning toward another yeti punch.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This morning I, as I sipped my coffee at Bookshelf Battle HQ, I discovered, much to my great surprise, the following note scrawled in poor penmanship taped to my front door. I cleaned it up a little, removed the many, many obscenities, and typed it out. Personally, I do not believe the Yeti deserves a response, but I suppose that in the name of fairness, I must allow him one.
Here is my recent post about my encounter with the Yeti.
And now, the Yeti’s response:
MY RESPONSE TO BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER’S OUTRAGEOUS, LIBELOUS STATEMENTS
By: The Yeti
Hello. This is the Yeti. And boy do I have a bee in my bonnet to share with you people.
Did I break into Bookshelf Battle Headquarters? Yes. Did I make my way into Bookshelf Q. Battler’s personal office space? Yes.
Did I have a right to be there? No. …
View original post 1,257 more words
Unfinished Business Stock Photos
Stock photos. They’re bland. They’re boring. But they’re free. As bloggers, we can’t beat free, so we use them all the time.
The good folks behind the movie Unfinished Business (starring Vince Vaughn, Tom Wilkinson, and Dave Franco, a 20th Century Fox comedy about three men from three different generations on a business trip, in theaters today March 6) have put out a set of free business stock photos as a fun promotion for the film.
Naturally, I figured I’d use them to illustrate the intense planning that goes on behind the scenes here at the Bookshelf Battle.
“My projections show that bookshelfbattle.com will have 20.5 readers by the end of this decade!”
“Gentlemen, educating the masses about classic literature is all well and good but I think we might have to toss in some jokes about yeti punching to keep people interested.”
Photos courtesy of iStock by Getty Images. As part of the promotion for Unfinished Business, iStock will release a new set of stock images featuring the characters of the newly released Vince Vaughn comedy every week for the next few weeks. It looks funny and Bookshelf Q. Battler encourages his 3.5 readers to see it. iStock is a great website, so check it out.
As a marketing tool, what do you think? Seems ingenious to me. For the cost of a few free photos, people will be talking and posting about this movie for awhile.
Additional Scenarios that Will Not Prevent Me From My One Post a Day Challenge
I continue to interview myself about how I would finagle my way out of hypothetical situations in order to my comply with my promise to my 3.5 readers to post once a day for the year of 2015.
QUESTION: Highlanders.
ANSWER: Give me a break. You’re not even trying.
QUESTION: What? They are immortal. Inside them flows the blood of kings.
ANSWER: Everyone knows that a Highlander’s weakness lies within its head. I’d just behead any and all Highlanders standing between me and my computer and post away. Honestly, if you’re going to come at me with this crap, at least bring your A game.
QUESTION: A billion dollars to stop posting.
ANSWER: That’s tricky. I would like to have a billion dollars.
QUESTION: Ha! See?
ANSWER: No. I’d refuse. I care too much about the respect of my 3.5 readers.
QUESTION: You are wrapped up like a mummy, but with duct tape, instead of bandages, and left for dead in the middle of the Mojave Desert.
ANSWER: I have various mental powers: telepathy, telekinesis, I can read minds, and project my thoughts into the brains of others. I can also use these powers to control animals. I would command a pack of wild armadillos to pick me up and bring me to the nearest watering hole, recruit a citizen to assist me in breaking my duct tape bonds, and then I will then commandeer said citizen’s vehicle under a claim of “Official Book Blogger Business!” I will then post upon reaching civilization.
QUESTION: A tree falls on you, pinning you to the ground with its mighty weight. Your computer is out of your grasp.
ANSWER: I use telekinesis to lift the tree off of me.
QUESTION: Your computer is stolen by a sasquatch.
ANSWER: No problem. To date, no sasquatch has crossed me and lived to tell the tale.
QUESTION: Chuck Norris will fight you if you post again.
ANSWER: He will lose. I taught him everything he knows.
BREAKING NERD NEWS
Various news channels are reporting that Harrison Ford, the actor who played two icons of nerd culture, Han Solo and Indiana Jones, has been seriously injured after a plane crash.
I will continue to report or you can just turn on the television. You know what? Just turn on your television. Seriously, nerds. I can’t do everything for you.
May the force be with you, Han. Whatever your hokey religion may be, let us all pray for our favorite scruffy looking nerf herder.
Random Thoughts 4
41) For years I have wanted to check out The Human Centipede just based on the curiosity factor, but I feel doing so will warp and twist my soul. Has anyone watched it and survived?
42) Sometimes when I turn on the news and hear stories about people in third world countries fighting over extremist beliefs that belong in the dark ages, I just want to be all like, “Hey, third word people, you know we have magic pieces of glass over here that show you all the movies and games you want, right?” Because, you know, you should all stop fighting and then we can sell you magic pieces of glass and then everyone will be happy and play Candy Crush. No one wants to go to war if they have Candy Crush.
43) I feel bad for pirates. So much effort to swipe all that gold only to inevitably bury it.
44) I have decided to run for the position of Official Comptroller for the Republic of Barbados. I have nothing wittier to say on the subject.
45) Why does Hollywood put crappy movies out in January and February? Why can they just, alternatively, not make crappy movies?
46) Is the Burger King a wise and just leader, or a cruel tyrant who presides over the burgers with an iron fist?
47) 12. Scientists have definitely proven that a man must walk down 12 roads before he can call himself a man. “The answer was just blowing in the wind, my friends,” remarked one scientist.
48) I don’t understand why people sky dive.
49) Knock Knock. Who’s there? Life. Answer it.
50) Does Kenny G like listening to his own music in the elevator?
Alien Jones Taking Your Questions
BEHOLD! The Mighty Brainy One, taking your questions and plugging your work!
Alien Jones! He knows all and is taking your questions! Inside his genius alien brain lies the secrets of the cosmos, the mysteries of the universe, and the answer to all multiple choice questions (it’s B).
Moreover, bribery is not beneath him! Ask him a question and he might plug your book, blog, or other project in his answer.
Notice how I said “might.” In other words, if your book is called, “I Heart Nazis!” or some other such nonsense, then no, he won’t plug it. He has standards. Otherwise, he’ll do his best to send the Bookshelf Battle’s 3.5 readers your way.
How did aliens master space flight? Who are the most powerful aliens? Which restaurant makes the best chocolate chip pancakes? Why was the Dexter series finale so godawful?
Your questions can be serious and thoughtful or funny and snarky. In fact, he prefers the latter.
By the way, He of the Amazing Gray Matter, posed the following question to me today:
ALIEN JONES: Bookshelf Q. Battler, does it occur to you that maybe people are leery to have their works promoted on a blog operated by an anonymous blogger with a penchant for sarcasm?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: It does. That’s why we have a guarantee. If you don’t like Alien Jones’ plug for your work, he’ll pull it. No questions asked. No hard feelings. Nothing to lose. 3.5 readers (eh, maybe a bit more even) to gain. Just sent a private message to Bookshelf Battle on Twitter asking for Alien Jones to take your plug down.
Doesn’t get any more awesome than that, folks! Submit your questions by midnight Friday to get your question in Sunday’s column.
Alien graphic courtesy of Marauder on openclipart.org
True or False
If you continue to write a novel, it will one day be written. While your novel is half-written, ideas for new novels may poke into your head. You will tell yourself that these ideas are easier to write, and thus you should abandon your first half-written novel to work on your new idea. However, you just realize that what you thought was easy turns out to be hard, for there are few good novels without finely crafted twists and turns that required a lot of mental preparation on the part of the author.
Discuss.
Bookshelf Battle 