Category Archives: Movies

Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice Trailer

Happy Tuesday 3.5 readers!

BQB here, sharing the clip of the 2016 blockbuster – Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Movieclips Trailers

There’s been so much speculation that this movie will stink.  Me?  I always had a feeling that the people behind this flick knew they were taking a big bite with this one and assumed they wouldn’t be doing so if they didn’t think they’d be able to chew it.

In my opinion, the trailer looks great.

The apparent premise?  Superman has God-like powers that make people afraid.  Those in fear include Batman who, presuming the Man of Steel poses a threat to the world, decides to take the notorious tights wearer on.

We can only hope the film ends with them patching up their differences and singing a hearty round of kum-bai-yah.  After all, they’re both good guys.

But if someone has to be the victor, my money’s on Batman.

Well, at least I’m rooting for the Dark Knight.

Good Old Superman – the superhero who started it all.  People love to root for him and over the years, he’s become a symbol for “Truth, Justice, and the American way.”

He’s also hard to identify with.  Handsome, flawless, chiseled – shoot him and he spits out the bullet with his teeth.  Set him on fire and he doesn’t burn.  Blow him up and he comes back for more.  He can fly, run fast, lift enormous and heavy objects, turn back time, shoot lasers out of his eyes.  He has every power.

Unless you chuck a rare piece of Kryptonite at him, he’s going to eat you for breakfast and therefore, while fun to cheer him on, it’s hard to look at Superman and say, “there’s a fella like me!”

Batman?  Well, his powers are derived from money, intellect, and drive.  Money is obviously the big factor as it affords him the ability to spend a vast repository of wealth on his vigilante persona.

So, yeah, you might argue it’s also hard to relate to Batman except for the fact that Batman, though he probably wouldn’t budge at the sight of Kryptonite, could otherwise die in a multitude of ways!

Superman has always proven to be a difficult character to portray on the big screen.  Here you have a character with so much power and one would think the ultimate foil would be an equally powerful bad guy.

Yet, for some reason the 1970’s and 80’s movies pitted him up against Gene Hackman’s caricature of a criminal mastermind.  Though fun to watch, Lex Luthor was historically, at least in the comic book world, a more intelligent, cold, and calculating foe.  So many old Superman films and yet the hero to end all heroes rarely met a baddie his equal.

2013’s Man of Steel sought to remedy that with General Zod, a fellow citizen of Krypton who, like Superman, also becomes blessed with super powers when under Earth’s yellow sun.  In fact, I’d argue the old film starring Terrence Stamp was the best of that series because it was the only one where Superman fought a challenger with similar powers.

Man of Steel, to this blogger, wasn’t the dud that other critics labeled it.  However, I have to admit, when I saw Superman and Zod smashing their way through an IHOP, a 7-11 and other chain stores, my reaction was, “Wow, that is a lot of product placement.”

Since that was my only issue with Man of Steel, I assume I’ll have a fun time watching  Batman and Superman, as long as Bruce doesn’t drive the batmobile through an Outback Steakhouse or something.

Were you skeptical of Ben Affleck as Batman?  Admittedly, I was.  Actually, I was on the fence.  On the one hand, Affleck has given us Gigli.  On the other hand, he also gave us Argo.  He’s given us more pops than flops, so I assumed he wouldn’t have taken the role if he didn’t think he could deliver, and thus far this trailer proves me right.

Will DC finally catch up to Marvel’s box office prowess?  We’ll have to wait until next year to find out.

What say you fellow nerds?

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Movie Review – The Woman in Gold (2015)

Nazis.  Damn they sucked.

The Woman in Gold

The Woman in Gold

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of The Woman in Gold.

Based on real events, the film follows the story of Maria Altmann (Helen Mirren) and Randol Schoenberg (Ryan Reynolds) in an underdog against the odds quest to return a famous painting once stolen by Nazi’s from Maria’s family.

The year is 1998 and Maria is an elderly boutique owner in California.  Young Randol (Randy) is the son of an old friend of Maria’s.  Randy’s a newly minted lawyer and having a rough go of it.  His practice just went under, he and his wife (played by Katie Holmes) just have a newborn baby, and he’s just managed to secure a position with a big time law firm.

It all begins with some polite free advice – Maria consults Randy about what to do in light of the fact that the Austrian government has been making an effort to return artwork stolen by the Nazi regime to their rightful owners.

The painting in question?  The much admired “Woman in Gold” painted by artist Gustav Klimt.  Over the years, it moved from Nazi hands to a public art gallery and has become beloved by the country as “the Austrian Mona Lisa.”

The Woman in Gold – Movieclips Trailers

But to Maria, it’s a picture of her dear Aunt Adele.

The movie switches back and forth from past to present.  Randy and Maria take on a government that doesn’t want to return the painting.  In the past, young Maria once lived a happy life in a prominent Jewish family, where her father played the cello and there was much singing and dancing by all.

Alas, the Nazis come to power, roll into Austria, and Jewish people are robbed blind, their homes stripped of possessions.  Nazis takeover Maria’s home and haul off all the artwork inside, including the portrait of Adele.

They’re forced to undergo all manner of humiliations, often cheered on by onlooking non-Jewish Austrians.

Maria’s family had worked hard for what they had and the Nazis took it all.  So many decades later, for the elderly Maria, the fight for the painting’s return isn’t so much about the painting itself, or about the money (its worth at the time was 150 million), it’s a desire for the Austrian government to admit it did wrong – that Austrians welcomed the Nazis into the country with open arms and openly supported the mistreatment of Jewish citizens.

In the past, we see young Maria and her husband make a heroic and daring escape out of the country, after which they make their way to America.  For the rest of her life, Maria feels resentment at those who turned Austria into a place she had to leave.  She also feels guilt for leaving her family behind, and is angry at those who made her do so.

In the more recent past, the late 90’s, we see Randy go from viewing the case as a nuisance, then a chance to make some loot when he realizes how much its worth, and finally a chance to right a past wrong.  Randy puts his career on the line and loses everything in pursuit of the case.  Meanwhile, Maria goes from wanting to pursue the case to wanting to forget it all.

It becomes an international and complicated case as Randy battles the Austrian government in Austria, and later before the U.S. Supreme Court.

Do they win?  Well…that’s a spoiler in gold, isn’t it?  Ha ha ha.

This was an interesting and enjoyable film.  It’s not getting a lot of press. It’s a film I like to call “Oscar-ish.”  Hollywood often makes Oscarish films, movies about serious subjects and give actors a chance to flex their serious role chops but for whatever reason, they don’t end up in the Oscar running.  That’s not to say this film won’t, though it is rather early in the season.

It’s also a story that needed to be told.  I’m often amazed that even after so many WWII movies, even today there are stories that are still emerging.  Maria’s family had worked hard for what they had, contributed to their society and the thanks they received was the government and their fellow citizens cheering on the Nazis in their anti-Jewish reign of terror.

Go see it, noble readers.

STATUS:  SHELF WORTHY

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Movie Review – Chappie – (2015)

Sigh.  I really wanted to like this one.

Director Neil Blomkamp hit a home run his first time at bat with 2009’s District 9, attracting a rare Oscar nomination for a Sci-Fi flick.  Critics weren’t big on his follow-up Elysium with Matt Damon but this blogger thought it was actually pretty decent.

So when I saw previews about a movie starring a bad ass police robot with Hugh Jackman as the villain, I was all like, “Sign me up!”

But after seeing it?  Ugh.  Where do I start?

OK.  If you want no SPOILERS leave now.

“Suck” is a strong word.  It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen and it did have its up moments.  “Suck” is often in the eye of the beholder.  And an ongoing theme of this blog is that I cheer on artists of all kinds in the hopes that said art will find a home in the hearts of people who will appreciate it.

So, I only use the word “suck” in correlation to what I was expected and what I received.

I was expecting an off brand Robo-cop.  What I got was a  robot with a childish brain spending most of the movie waxing philosophically about the meaning of its existence.

I can’t really explain it without digging into the plot, so here goes.

Deion (Dev Patel) is an engineer for a corporation that builds police robots for the South African government.  One day, he develops a program for a true AI, an intelligence that will allow a robot to be able to think like a human (more so, actually).

The CEO, played by Sigourney Weaver, is not interested and orders Deion not to use company equipment to experiment with his AI program.  Odd that the head of a for-profit company would balk at an idea that would revolutionize the robotics industry but, ok.

Against orders, Deion implants his program into a broken down police robot headed for the scrap pile.

Oh, I forgot to mention, he does this after he is kidnapped by Ninja and Yolandi, two gangster criminals who cook up a scheme to kidnap the engineer in the hopes that he can provide them with a remote control they can use to shut the police robots off and commit crimes with reckless abandon.  The gangsters abandon the remote control idea and Ninja wants to use the robot, which they name Chappie, to help with a heist that will be used to repay money owed to an even worse criminal.

Here’s where things start to get odd.  Deion goes along with it and ok…what choice does he have?  They’re criminals with guns and shit.

But then – from time to time, Deion just comes back to the criminals lair to talk to Chappie and help him with his development.

Well ok – Deion has stolen a company owned robot against orders so that’s understandable he doesn’t want to call the cops on Ninja and Yolandi.

But then – Ninja and Yolandi just kind of like, let Deion come and go as he pleases.  I feel like most gangsters probably would have just shot him.

Chappie was born the instant his AI program was switched on so there’s a learning curve.  He’s basically a kid in a robot body and everything in the world is new to him.  There are some funny moments when Ninja teaches him how to swear and act like a gangster but other than that…eh, it’s…I don’t know.  “Eh” is the best word I can use to describe it.

Ok…so its a goofy set up.  It gets better right?  Nah…while there are some good action scenes, a great deal of the film is spent on Chappie learning about morals, the soul, the purpose of being alive, how people should treat one another, and so on.

Maybe that’s good.  Maybe there are people who will enjoy that.  Maybe Sci-Fi should make you think and maybe it doesn’t always have to be mindless special effects.

But me personally? I came into this film expecting a 2 hour bad ass police robot film and instead I got Chappie in bed with Yolandi (who he believes is his mother) reading Ba Ba Black Sheep to him:

Chappie and Yolandi  - Sony Pictures

Chappie and Yolandi – Sony Pictures

Stop reading, Chappie.  I know.  I’m a book blogger.  But seriously, stop reading.  Stop painting.  Stop philosophizing.  Be a badass already.

Fun fact that I didn’t realize until I went home and Googled the film – Ninja and Yolandi are actually two members of the South African rap group Die Antwoord.  I’d never heard of them before, probably because I’m not South African.  Their rap names are actually Ninja and Yolandi and they play fictional versions of themselves in the movie.

After finding that out, I felt like the movie was one big joke that Blomkamp didn’t let me in on because I’m not South African and had never heard of Die Antwoord before.

Imagine if they made a movie where Nicki Minaj and Kanye West became the parents of a robot with a childish brain.  That’d be kind of hilarious.  Had I known who Ninja and Yolandi were prior to going into the movie, I might have found the whole thing a laugh riot (though I’m not sure a comedy was the director’s intent).

Admittedly, I might be broadcasting my lameness since these guys are apparently tearing up the inter webs.

If South African rap interests you, their vids are on youtube.  They’re a bit…well…”out there.”  No offense, I think I’ll stick with good old traditional Ludacris and Fiddy regaling me with tales about their trips to the club, their love of Cristal, spinning rims and so on.

That’s not a knock on Ninja and Yolandi though – they may be the only redeeming part of the movie, if there is one.

In conclusion – I gave it a solid C.  Probably not something you want to rush out to the theater for but you might give it a rental in the hopes that Neil Blomkamp can be encouraged to bring us another project of District 9 proportions.

That grade was hard for me to give.  My regular 3.5 readers know I hate to criticize and there may very well be people who love this movie and I’m glad for them but…meh…I think it is the first bit of media I’ve reviewed thus far that will not find its way on my shelf.

PS:  What constitutes good science fiction is often debated.  Some think that a sci fi flick should just be mindless laser blasting, space opera, and little else.  Am I therefore being one of these people by criticizing Chappie?  I suppose so, though it’s not my intention.  I didn’t like it, but I can see why others might.

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Movie Review – Fast and Furious 7 (2015)

Fast cars?  Check!

Ridiculous action sequences?  Check!

Rap music?  Check!

Hot babes?  Check!

Catchy one liners?  Check!

Copious amounts of testosterone?  Better believe that’s a check.

Plot?  Ehhh…

Fasten your seat belt and hit your nitrous switch, it’s time for my review of Fast and Furious 7.

But be forewarned…the spoilers are going to come…at a fast and furious pace!  (:::rimshot:::)

Cars jumping out of planes?  Sure, that could probably happen…

BQB:  Yeti, what did you think of the movie?

THE YETI:  I did not understand the plot.  I have not seen parts 1-7.  Did a scientist unleash a chemical that turned most of the characters into a bunch of angry jacked bald men?

BQB:  What?

THE YETI:  The Rock, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Tyrese Gibson, Djimon Honsou…like 90% of the cast are a bunch of cueballs!

BQB:  I’m pretty sure that’s the great cosmic deal, Yeti.  The universe can make a badass, but in exchange, you have to give up your hair.

THE YETI:  The film company must have saved a mint on shampoo costs alone.

Paul Walker

Let’s get the sad part out of the way first.  Paul Walker passed away during the film’s production in a tragic car crash (sadly and ironically, on his own time).  Since he plays a main character (Brian) in these films, would the continuity of the film suffer without him became the question on the minds of movie buffs.

THE YETI:  BQB, do you think the continuity of the movie suffered due to Paul Walker’s unfortunate passing?

BQB:  Good question, Yeti.  That was just on my mind.  No, I don’t think it did.  Going into it, I assumed his character would somehow leave mid-film, but he stays right to the end, so apparently a great deal was taped before the world lost this action star.

I would be interested in learning what had to be done to compensate for his passing.  Toward the end of the film, there are some action sequences that take place in the dark, and “Brian” is either seen from far away, or if his face is on screen, it’s only for a split second between various karate moves.  That made me wonder whether a stunt double was utilized or if that was just the intent of the scene since it took place at night in a dark building.

In other words, there are times when I’m not sure whether or not it was Paul and I don’t want to diss Paul if in fact he was in said scenes.

There is a scene at the end where Dom and Paul do their usual “pull up to each other at the end” and have a heart-to-heart talk.  There, the scene did look like footage taken of Paul in the past.

And whereas these movies usually end with Dom and Paul drag racing, they instead, drive off, going their separate ways…Dom to continue his life as a bad ass, Brian to be a husband and Dad.

Aww.  Tear.

Obviously, I care more about Walker’s life than an action movie, but from a critic’s perspective, I did not think that Walker’s death impacted the overall quality of the film and in my eye anyway, I did not notice any defects or flaws caused to the film.  Any changes they had to make were minor or barely noticeable.

Great question, Yeti.  Do you have any others?

THE YETI:  Yes.  Were there any sad scenes made even sadder due to Walker’s passing?

BQB:  Indeed there were, Yeti.  There’s a scene where Brian has a heartfelt phone conversation with Mia, where she tells her husband that the way he’s talking makes it sound like he’s never coming home and well, that becomes more depressing now that we know Walker is not coming home.

There’s also a montage of Walker through the years in the past 7 movies, dating back to 2001 and it’s just amazing how you don’t recognize it while it’s happening, but people really do grow and change over the course of a decade.

One more thing – Walker left one more movie behind.  Last year’s Brick Mansions, was, in my opinion, another must see flick for fans of urban action films.

Alright then.  Let’s move from the sad to the awesome.

Obviously, with these films, you check your thinking cap at the door.  In fact, here’s my thought process with every outlandish stunt I see:

BQB:  Oh, come on.  That could never happen!  Cars jumping out of planes?  Preposterous!  Through buildings?  Get out of here!  That defies all laws of science and physics and…OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!! DO IT AGAIN!

Nope, you don’t go for the plot.  You go for the action and special effects.

THE YETI:  Why do they bother pulling all of these fast car jobs when they have so many skills?  Driving skills, computer skills, planning skills…

BQB:  Shut up, Yeti.

I dare say that the scene where Dom jumps a 3.5 million dollar plus car through three buildings (as in it exits out one window, jumps a large expanse, does it again, then ends up in a third building).

THE YETI:  What did you think of Kurt Russell?

BQB:  You’re full of questions, aren’t you, Yeti?  Personally, I think the Rock is awesome and let’s be honest, he saved this franchise.  I get the impression that the Rock enjoys Hobbs, a character who is unapologetic about his awesomeness.

Therefore, it was sad to see Hobbs get laid up in the hospital for most of the film, with Kurt Russell taking over as the agent that convinces Dom’s crew to pull a job.  That being said, Russell did a great job and he was awesome.

At one point, I was left wondering about the overall question of what makes a movie great.  Let’s face it.  Flicks like this one will never win an Academy Award and yet when you think about it, with all the stunts, action, special effects and so on…there’s probably more moving parts and issues to coordinate than, say Birdman.

And while I’m not saying, “Let’s give Fast and Furious an Oscar!” I am saying that F and F 7 is a better film than Birdman.

Yup.  I’m sorry.  I said it.  Had F and F 7 come out in 2014 it would of been more deserving of an Oscar than Birdman.

Other notables:

  • Game of Thrones fans will be pleased to see Nathalie Emmanuel aka the Khaleesi’s translator Missandei in a major on screen role.
  • Did anyone else think “If it is possible for this franchise to have a “Jump the Shark” moment, that it might have been the part where the crew jumps out of plane in their cars and somehow they all manage to land on one road in perfect formation?
  • Why are their cars constantly being sprayed with bullets and yet they never die?
  • Was the Rock’s epic fight in the beginning with Jason Statham the best thing ever?
  • Has anyone figured out why so many musclebound dudes go bald?

THE YETI:  But it’s so stupid.  They drive cars.  They blow stuff up.  Constant chaos.  It reminds me of the Yeti village.

BQB:  Again, suspend your concerns about plot and substance at the door.  These films are basically one big on screen thrill ride.  They might as well make the seats shake it charge admission to it at Disney World.

THE YETI:  Are you going to talk about Paul Walker again before you go?

BQB:  Yes.  So, on this blog, I talk a lot about heroes for average people – folks that the ordinary man can look up to.  Now, Walker was an above averagely good looking movie star, so obviously we can’t call him average.

But here’s what sets him apart from other action stars.  There’s a scene where he takes on a bus full of terrorists while wearing a hoodie.  That may not seem like much, but think about other movies where the hero wears a uniform, or a bullet proof vest or armor or something.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into it but when you see a good guy taking out bad guys while wearing ordinary street clothes, it makes me think that maybe that could inspire moviegoers to become better than average.

You too can do awesome things in just your hoodie and jeans.  But, you know, just don’t try to take out a bunch of terrorists by yourself.  Duh.

I’ll be interested to see what direction the series goes in from here, if it does continue at all.  As discussed above, it was left that Brian drove off in his own direction to become a family man.  I think that was a good decision because to kill the character off would have been a bit macabre given the the actor’s tragic passing.

Will the crew go on without Brian?  Will they hang up their stick shifts and call it quits?  Time will tell.  But all in all, they were faced with a difficult task – deliver an over the top action blockbuster while remaining respectful to the loss of one of the main stars…and it delivered.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  RIP Paul Walker.  You will be missed.

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Fast and Furious 8 – Yeti Drifters – Part 2

DOM:  We’ve all flown to Toyko, first class.  We’ve rented a warehouse to be our lair.  We’ve purchased ten high end tricked out sports cars to drive and we’ve rigged a state of the art computer system to monitor the entire caper.

LUDACRIS:  Question.

DOM:  Yeah?

LUDACRIS:  If we’ve got so much money that we can easily buy all this shit, why are we running around committing car crimes, driving through buildings and off bridges and getting blasted at by tanks and shit?

DOM:  That’s actually a pretty good question.

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Fast and Furious 8 – Yeti Drifters

DOM (VIN DIESEL):  This is it, family.  One last ride.

TEJ (LUDACRIS – Cuz, really, who remember these character names?  I hate to look them up on IMDB): You said that already!  We’ve had like 7 last rides now!  We’ve been last riding since Bush’s first term!!!

LETTY:  (Michelle Rodriquez) – Yeah, I thought our last ride days were over a couple movies ago so I let the writers kill my character over.  She had to be resurrected when the movies started making big bucks again.

ROMAN (TYRESE):  Something funny!

HOBBS (THE ROCK):  Toretto, you son of a bitch.  You and your crew have cut such a wide path of destruction with your car crimes that as head of the anti-car crime task far, I should throw your asses in car crime jail for a million years!

DOM:  But we’re family!

HOBBS:  Your crew’s working for me now.  There’s a new duo in town:  BQB and The Yeti:  Tokyo Drifters.

ROMAN:  You mean they’re homeless hobos who wander the streets of Tokyo aimlessly?

HOBBS:  No.  The other kind of drifter.

DOM:  Why should we listen to you?

HOBBS:  Because I saved the franchise!

CUT TO:  TOYKO

:::LUDACRIS RAP SONG PLAYS::::

FAST ASS YETI

As rapped by Ludacris

God damn, that fur be flyin!

Hairy dude’s rollin and I aint lyin.

He’s gonna win the race I’m willing to bet-tee

Look out y’all, here comes the Yeti!

(Bookshelf Q. Battler in a tricked out muscle car vs. The Yeti stuffed into a tiny Nissan sports car)

BQB:  (revving the engine)  I’m gonna wipe the road with your hairballs, Yeti!

YETI:  Roar!  I’m the Yeti!

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Donate Meow

Had I been able to afford the $600 required to get Broken Lizard to tape a 45 second video written by me (now sold out):

The Super Troopers in the station, reading books.

FARVA:  What’re all you chickenf$%kers doing?

THORNY:  We’re reading books.

RABBIT:  Yeah, they were recommended by Bookshelf Q. Battler

FARVA:  What?  That a-hole only has 3.5 readers what does he know?

MAC:  You don’t even know how to read, Farva.

FARVA:  Do too!  (grabs a book)  – “It was…uh…the best…of times?  It was the…ahh f$%k it I’m going to Dimpus Burger.”

I don’t know.  Something like that.  Short and sweet.  Not much you can do in 45 seconds.  Alas, I couldn’t justify dropping 600 bucks, as awesome as it would have been.

Anyway, the original  Super Troopers movie was great and I’m glad to see the Broken Lizard boys are back at it.  They started a campaign on Indiegogo to raise $2 million to create a sequel and met the goal on their first day.  Now the more they collect, the better the movie will be.

Super Troopers 2 Indiegogo Site

I’m amazed technology has reached the point where people can do this.

I talk about self-publishing on this blog a lot.  Indie Movie Makers are basically the self-publishers of Hollywood, right?

In conclusion, I want a liter of cola.  Shenanigans.

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Happy Friday the 13th (or BQB’s Top Ten List of Mistakes Made by Horror Movie Victims)

Hello 3.5 readers!  Are you stuck in a horror movie and being chased by a fictional psychopath?  (Then why are you reading this blog?  RUN!)

But, if you have a minute while said psycho is taking a breather, then Bookshelf Q. Battler is here with the top ten helpful tips to get you through this Friday the 13th, based on all of the horror movies I’ve seen:

10)  Don’t go upstairs.  Only go upstairs if there is no other direction to go in.  If you can go out of the house, then go out of the house.  Really, what do you think will happen when you get upstairs?  The killer just corners you because the only way out of the house when you are upstairs is via a fatal drop to the ground.

9)  Don’t be rude.  In horror movies, rude people tend to buy the farm in epic ways that make the audience feel a great catharsis.  At least one person watching the film will shout out, “Oh my God I’m glad that guy’s dead!”

8)  Don’t choose this particular time to confess your love to someone.  Yes, they’ll be so glad that you finally made a move after waiting so long.  And yes, an overly ironic writer will take great delight in turning you into murderer fodder.

7)  Skinny dipping.  Don’t do it.  Night.  Naked.  Stuck in the water.  You’re a sitting duck.  And honestly, have you looked in a mirror lately?  You shouldn’t be skinny dipping anyway.  (That’s just a joke.  My 3.5 readers are all supermodels).

6)  Don’t tempt fate.  Has an old gypsy woman told you that if you say a magic phrase while rubbing an ancient talisman, a murderer will come to life and murder everyone?  Well, here’s a thought then, STOP RUBBING THE TALISMAN!!!  Why let curiosity get the better of you?  Whenever someone warns you against doing something, don’t do it!

5)  Trip and fall while running.  WTF?  Seriously, you pick now to be a klutz?  Steady those feet, there’s a madman on the loose!

4)  Get separated from the group.  I don’t care how badly your friends stink.  This is not the time to be a loner.

3)  Perform routine maintenance on your car.  Cars have a tendency to quit whenever a bloodthirsty fiend is on a rampage.  Get your car inspected.  Check your tire pressure.  Change your oil.  Get your battery checked.  Take your ride to a competent mechanic once in awhile to make sure everything is in order.  Honestly, murderous fiend or no, you should be doing all this stuff anyway.  You don’t want to get stranded on the side of the road, do you?

2)  DON’T ASSUME THE KILLER IS DEAD.  This is literally the main horror movie trope that gets me worked up every time.  The murderer is clearly a massive, hulking juggernaut of a beast.  The protagonist of the film gives him a little tap with a stick or something and assumes the murderer is a goner.

NO!  Assume nothing!  Drop a grenade in his pants!  Set him on fire!  Shoot him twenty times in various places!  Go to town on him with a ginsu knife!  Dance the Texas Two-Step on his face!

(NOTE:  Bookshelf Battle does not condone violence and this discussion is for fictional purposes only.  You never know, one of my 3.5 readers might be a greedy corrupt lawyer).

1)  DON’T GO IN THERE!  Hey, you!  Yeah, you.  The guy going in there.  Stop going in there!  Can’t you hear everyone in the theater telling you to NOT go in there!

Thank you, Bookshelf Battle Readers.  Happy Friday the 13th.  I must now return to the basement, where the Yeti is holding me captive, yet somehow I manage to blog whenever he’s not looking, because he’s kind of stupid.

Follow me on twitter to help me escape unjust Yeti occupation and don’t forget, Alien Jones is taking your questions until midnight Friday night.

Did I miss your favorite horror movie trope?  Add it in the comments.

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Unfinished Business Stock Photos

Stock photos.  They’re bland.  They’re boring.  But they’re free.  As bloggers, we can’t beat free, so we use them all the time.

The good folks behind the movie Unfinished Business (starring Vince Vaughn, Tom Wilkinson, and Dave Franco, a 20th Century Fox comedy about three men from three different generations on a business trip, in theaters today March 6) have put out a set of free business stock photos as a fun promotion for the film.

Naturally, I figured I’d use them to illustrate the intense planning that goes on behind the scenes here at the Bookshelf Battle.

"My projections show that bookshelfbattle.com will have 20.5 readers by the end of this decade!"

“My projections show that bookshelfbattle.com will have 20.5 readers by the end of this decade!”

"Gentlemen, educating the masses about classic literature is all well and good but I think we might have to toss in some jokes about yeti punching to keep people interested."

“Gentlemen, educating the masses about classic literature is all well and good but I think we might have to toss in some jokes about yeti punching to keep people interested.”

Photos courtesy of iStock by Getty Images.  As part of the promotion for Unfinished Business, iStock will release a new set of stock images featuring the characters of the newly released Vince Vaughn comedy every week for the next few weeks.  It looks funny and Bookshelf Q. Battler encourages his 3.5 readers to see it.  iStock is a great website, so check it out.

As a marketing tool, what do you think?  Seems ingenious to me.  For the cost of a few free photos, people will be talking and posting about this movie for awhile.

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Who is ready…

…to see Chappie?

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