I hope all 3.5 of you have a good one.
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Movie Review – Hellboy (2019)
God, this movie sucks.
Let’s get this review over with.
I rarely give a movie a bad review. After all, I’ve never made one before so any movie is better than my non-existent one, but this one is pretty bad.
The original two were great. That was largely due to Director Guillermo Del Toro’s ability to make the scary and macabre seem beautiful. The plots were well paced and succinct and you cared about the characters.
The reboot is garbage, like the writers weren’t sure what they wanted to do so they just threw a bunch of random crap into a blender and pushed the on switch.
It’s not just the deviation from the source material. Though fans will be disappointed to see Abe and Liz didn’t make the cut in this one, I’d be totally willing to be cool with the franchise going in a different direction. The problem is it went in like, 50 different directions.
David Harbour plays the titular demon gone good this time. There’s a wrestling match with a vampire and a team of giant hunters. The literal Alice in Wonderland and a were-cheetah are Hellboy’s companions. There’s a ridiculous amount of exposition and large chunks of backstory are simply spoonfed. There’s way too much telling and not enough showing. Somehow, this all leads to a battle royale with a witch (Mila Jovovich) and a pig man. How they are all interconnected? Your guess is as good as mine.
I might be willing to forgive all of this. Sometimes there are great properties that come out as steak and years later, all the studio is willing to give it is the potato chip treatment. Potato chips are good, now and then. At least they are tasty.
The problem is that amidst the lack of surety of which plot point the movie wants to focus on, there’s also some confusion over what it wants to be. The entire theme is juvenile. A big dope with filed down horns with potty humor galore. That’s not necessarily bad, but then the F bomb is dropped with reckless abandon, often for no added effect, just because they could do it apparently. I’m not against a good F bomb when it is timed right, but the first two put story over shock value while this one relies on swears and grossness. At least Del Toro made the grossness beautiful.
Ultimately, it’s a simpleton movie with ghosts and goblins that is the kind of stuff that is geared toward kids but then again, it’s riddled with gratuitous cussing so you can’t take a kid to it. This wouldn’t necessarily be a problem because shows like “True Blood” have taught us there is room for adult themed horror but the problem is the movie is so dumb that the adults who can handle the swearing aren’t going to enjoy it. It’s too dirty for kids and too dumb for adults so who this movie is for I don’t know.
Ian McShane, who appears as Hellboy’s father, appears lost in this drek. At one point, there’s a scene where his face gets grafted onto a monster and one wonders if he either fired his agent or decided the money is worth it. At any rate, he’s too good for this and frankly, David Harbour is too.
I’m always sketchy about reboots, but done well, they can be great. And I always try to leave room that updates to long beloved properties are done to reflect youthful tastes and I’m not the target audience. Still, this just sucks. Hellboy is better than this and if he sees this movie, he’ll probably bash it with his rock arm.
STATUS: Not-shelfworthy.
Who Will End Up On The Iron Throne?
My guesses:
#10 – The Knight King, because screw ’em all, they waited too long to come together. George RR Martin comes out at the end while munching on a bag of cheese doodles and reminds Republicans and Democrats that the real White Walker is climate change…or possibly Russians. Or weather controlling Russians.
#9 – Jon Snow and Khaleesi marry. Both have major claims to the Iron Throne. They consolidate the claims and the infighting between Khaleesi and Jon over him being King in the North because now they are married so they run it all. No one cares Jon is an Auntie Fucker because it is olden times.
#8 – Cersei beats everyone.
#7 – Everyone dies, no one is left.
#6 – A few seasons ago, Arya made mention of a land far beyond the sea that is rumored to be there but no one has seen it. I wonder if this is like the GOT version of America and people who are sick of the Westeros fighting will leave and start a new nation in fantasy America. I guess this isn’t so much explaining who is king than it is giving a possible ending.
#5 – The Khaleesi, of course.
#4 – Jon Snow, because now he knows it all. (In 5 or 4 that means only one either lived or lived but the other could not rule for some reason be it death or they didn’t get together.
#3 – Bran is the Knight King seems to be a popular theory so if he controls the Knight King then he rules.
#2 – Hodor.
#1 – OK, this is actually going to be my best guess. Jon and Khaleesi either don’t make it or decide that the monarchy has had its day. Either way, wise men like Tyrion and Varys start a democracy.
Also – I could see them giving some sort of flash forward to a steam powered Victorian Age or Modern Age. That would be cool.
Also – none of these and something we didn’t think of.
What do you think 3.5 readers?
Game of Thrones Recap – Season 8, Episode 1
Well, 3.5 readers, the final episodes are here.
I’ve been blogging about this show since this fine blog began. Come to think of it, HBO probably owes all their success to me, since I sent my 3.5 readers their way.
So now, the end begins and we begin to watch the end.
Spoiler alert.
Jon Snow and Khaleesi are in Winterfell and the Northerners don’t like all the new people. Jon learns that his bae is also his aunt so now he is an auntie fucker.
The dragons aren’t eating enough, the White Walkers are at the door, Cersei’s still a bitch. I don’t know. That’s about it.
My, how fast the past decade has flown. This show has always been a welcome favorite, something riveting enough that I was always able to turn it on Sunday nights and for a brief hour, get lost in another world.
Six episodes doesn’t seem long enough to tie up the loose ends, but here’s hoping they will be.
BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
This is a stick-up, see?
BQB here with another classic movie review.
After watching The Highwaymen, Netflix recommended that I watch the 1967 “Bonnie and Clyde” and who am I to argue with a streaming service’s AI?
I’d heard rave reviews over the years but personally, I’m not sure it holds up to modern standards. Then again, it’s interesting as a snapshot in time and most likely pushed every boundary in place in 1967.
Faye Dunaway is epically boner inducing as truck stop waitress Bonnie Parker. An early scene where she is close to in the buff makes me wish I’d worked out more and gotten more money so I could have nabbed a dame even half as hot but oh well. Que sera, sera.
And that near nudity was probably pushing the envelope in the 1960s.
Meanwhile, having hailed from Generation X, I’m used to an older version of Warren Beatty, so it was interesting to see him so young and full of life here.
The writing is a little lackluster. It almost seems like there was a checklist of known info about the infamous, murderous bank robbing duo that they had to get through. Sometimes some leaps are taken and we’re left to guess what happened in the interim.
Clyde, for some reason, is unwilling to schtup Bonnie and that’s a shame because she is so schtuppable. I’m not sure what the implication is there. Perhaps it is meant to say he’s gay, though he’s never seen chasing after men. That would probably have been too much for the 1960s.
Then again, it may not have been to say that he’s gay, but he just had some intimacy issues. He does seem to like women but maybe he’s afraid to get too close or something. We just see several scenes where Bonnie throws herself at him, he refuses, says he’s not a loverboy and the meaning we are left to guess at.
Rounding out the gang are Clyde’s brother and sister in law, Buck and Blanche Barrow (Gene Hackman and to my surprise, a young Estelle Parsons who I had only known as Roseanne’s grumpy mother) and Michael Pollard as dopey mechanic CW Moss who comes along for the ride to service the multitude of cars stolen by the gang.
The gang dynamic is basically Bonnie and Clyde started a gang, felt they had to invite Buck along to join the family business, and Blanche just seems to get in the way as she doesn’t really want to be in a gang but followed her husband for the ride because long ago, women just did whatever their husbands told them to do. Her constant screaming is annoying but that is the point. She wasn’t down for that life.
On one level, the movie is not all that realistic. Bonnie and Clyde are presented as just a couple of country kids who had it rough and made a living the only way the Depression Era would let them. They’re portrayed as taking steps to avoid shooting cops and feel great remorse when a mistake in a robbery’s execution leads them to having to shoot an officer. Most accounts differ though and it seems pretty clear that the gang had a grand old time shooting and robbing their way through life, that they racked up a pretty needlessly high body count and never lost sleep over it.
On another level, the movie’s main contribution to the cinematic world is realism. In most movies, even today, deaths are throwaways. Someone is shot and they’re down, off screen, never seen again.
Here, we see death in all its brutality. Buck is shot and attended to as he dies slowly, wailing in pain. Bonnie and Clyde’s car is riddled with bullets. We see the look of fear in their eyes when they realize they’ve walked into an ambush, the grim realization taking hold of them that their jig is up. We see the bullets tear holes in the car, tear holes through their bodies, their lifeless bodies torn apart. This was definitely another line crossed in 1960s cinema and ironically, is a line that is even rarely crossed today.
Also noteworthy is these two were basically America’s first reality stars. They took photos and wrote poems about themselves, sending their own media to the newspapers and with it being the Great Depression, robbed banks didn’t get a lot of sympathy. However, I prefer “The Highwaymen” portraying the officers as the real heroes.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Every man should have their own Faye Dunaway.
Who Will End Up On The Iron Throne?
Hey 3.5 readers.
The last six episodes of Game of Thrones starts this Sunday.
I fear the ending will blow goats, largely because so many threads have been pulled and six episodes just isn’t enough to tie them all up.
We’d all hoped for Khaleesi but I think it will be something we didn’t expect.
At any rate, in the beginning, I blogged a lot about GOT and that’s how I got some of my first readers. If you’re still around, thanks, and I hope things get better so you don’t have to keep wasting time reading my blog.
I Hope You Are All Doing Well, 3.5 Readers
That is all.
What’s the Best Look for Chupacabra Pimp?
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’ve been having fun the past couple weeks writing Disco Werewolf. There are a lot of plot points I need to tweak but it has been fun. If you enjoy it you come back for more.
I’ve especially been laughing myself silly over recent chapters involving a character called Chupacabra Pimp, who as you might expect, is a 1970s street pimp with a bunch of ladies of the evening in his employ who turn tricks in exchange for live goats…because Chupacabras love goats.
There are two looks for Chupes in pop culture. One is a lizard like creature with bug eyes surge other is like a really emaciated coyote type creature .
Which would be funnier in pimp clothes?
Oh and his ladies are Aliens. Spoiler .
Top Ten Reasons Why You Smell So Bad
Just a quick list, 3.5 readers. No snappy introduction. No exposition.
I’m not saying you DO smell bad, I’m just saying, IF you do, here are some reasons why:
#10 – You farted.
#9 – Someone near you farted and you caught second hand fart stink.
#8 – You burped. Burps are the farts of the mouth. Meanwhile, farts are the burps of the butt.
#7 – You forgot to shower for 50 days.
#6 – You just got back from a visit to a cow farm.
#5 – You ate onions.
#4 – You had to cut open a large animal and hide inside its carcass for warmth during a blizzard.
#3 – You smeared old, rancid mayo on yourself then sat outside to bake in the hot sun all day. Don’t ask me why you did this. You’re the one who did it, idiot.
#2 – You tripped and fell head first into the cat’s litter box. While you were down there, the cat didn’t notice you and pooped on your head, then scratched your face in a vain effort to bury the offending poop. The entire time, you were too polite to not move and/or notify the cat of his/her mistake.
#1 – A stink bomb went off in your pants.
As far as I know, these are the only reasons I can think of as to why you might smell bad. If you think of more, leave them in the comments.
Serenity Prayer
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here. Recovering alcoholics at AA use this prayer all the time though I think it’s ok if you aren’t an alcoholic and want to use it anyway.
As I get older, I find myself having to, not necessarily say this prayer but remind myself of the concept.
There are mistakes I made that are in the past. I can’t fix them. I can learn from them, but I can’t reach back and make it so they didn’t happen.
Time has passed on and unfortunately, certain doors of opportunity have shut to me. Had I spent more time knocking on them in the past, they might have opened. Now I must realize that knocking on certain doors will only give me a sore first.
The problem is we have two competing forces in our brains. Ask someone for advice and they’ll tell you 1) Stop dwelling on the past and 2) Work on achieving what you want in the future.
The problem is these, in the abstract, don’t seem like opposing ideas but they are.
For example, if you flubbed things up with an ex, then that’s over. It’s done. It’s in the past. And yet, it’s also positive to want someone new yet you have to accept they won’t be what your ex was.
Maybe you want that big job but have to realize you’re a certain age. You didn’t strike while the iron was hot. Didn’t get the right degree or meet the right people or the right skills or what have you. Maybe it’s not too late to try but then again, you might be at an age where you’re more likely to find success just doing what you’re doing now and making it better the best you can.
Younger you are, the better life is. When you’re ten, it’s not entirely impossible that you might become an actor or an NBA star or a singer or the president. By 20, most of these are gone, 30 and 40, well, are they hiring Wal-Mart greeters? Alas, the older you get, the more life takes away.
I’m at a point where I have to forgive and forget. Crazy, because as I look back, I’m able to tell my young self exactly what he should do at every step of the way. That’s probably not so much wisdom as it is hindsight. He didn’t know what to do so he did something. I’m living with the results. I know how it worked out. I can’t pick up a time phone and tell him to try something different. If I did, I don’t know how that would have worked out either.
So, that’s basically it. What’s over and done and what can be changed for the better seem like two oppose forces yet they really do collide. We’ll torture ourselves if we keep trying to undo that which can’t be undone. We’ll make our situations worse if we don’t fixing things that can still be fixed.
We don’t want to call the game too early when there’s still points that technically could be scored. We don’t want to miss the after game nacho dip due to an unlikely hope that a kicker might score a goal with one last second on the clock.
Sorry if my sports metaphors aren’t working. It’s too late for me to join the NFL, after all, and that is actually one thing I’m certain I can’t change.
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