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Movie Review – A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Canine reincarnation.  Animal acting controversy.  Pooch Hall in a 1980s Jerry curl.

BQB here with a review of the sappy schmaltz fest that is, A Dog’s Life.

Before I venture into this review, I suppose I should discuss the elephant in the room.  This film was expected to get more play as an ode to man’s best friend, but all that was cast aside when video surfaced of a trainer struggling to get a German Shepherd to enter a turbulent pool of water, followed by the dog later ending up submerged a little longer than anyone would like to see.

More on that from the LA Times.

Honestly, I don’t know.  I watched the video.  The dog isn’t beaten or anything, though that shouldn’t necessarily be the low bar that is set for dog treatment.  The dog is scared.  The trainer tries to get him to go into the pool anyway.  Eventually the dog is in the pool and he goes underwater for a bit.  At the end of the day, he’s safe.

Animal activists are all over the movie like stink on a monkey, raising the question of whether or not animals should be made to appear/perform in movies at all.

On the other hand, W. Bruce Cameron, author of the book the film is based on, released this letter to USA Today, which, if you read it, seems reasonable.

I don’t want to put words into the man’s mouth but my takeaway was, “We goofed.  We’re sorry.  I love dogs.  The movie is meant as a love song to the relationship between man and dog.”

I’ll let you decide.  Personally, I think it might be one of those lessons where everything worked out, the dog’s fine and there was a lesson learned.  Movie dog trainers are now on notice to not force dogs to do things they aren’t cool with.  Yes, it’s a teachable moment for the PETA crowd to express their views, but then again, in today’s knee jerk to become outraged within 30 seconds Internet/social media culture, the folks behind the movie are being treated as if they are collectively Satan…and I don’t sense a vibe that they are Satan.

Moving on to the film itself, Bailey, voiced by Josh Gad, begins his journey as a golden retriever owned by young Ethan.  Time moves on.  As in any life, there are happy times and sad times, proud times and profoundly disappointing times.

Long story short, the pooch buys the farm and is reincarnated as a different dog over and over again, each time to a different owner in a different time period.

Each owner has his/her backstory and it’s up to Bailey to help each human with their personal problems as best he can.  Some owners are kind.  Some owners are douches.

Morals laid down by the tale:

  • Your dog’s life is in your hands and ultimately, he/she ends up being as happy as you are.  If you’re a douche and you treat your dog in a douche-like manner, your dog will be unhappy.  If you rise above whatever it is that is dragging you down, you’ll find happiness if you remember to treat your dog right.
  • Your dog has thoughts.  No, a dog’s inner voice probably doesn’t sound like Josh Gad, but dogs get the gist.  They know if you are mad at them or happy with them.  They know what it is like to be treated well and they know what it is like to be treated like crap.
  • Give your dog a break.  Sure, they occasionally poop on your rug, but if you wouldn’t cast out a family member for making a mistake then give your dog the same courtesy.
  • Dogs are a lot of work.  Being a dog owner is a big commitment.  Think about whether or not you are up for it.  Being chained up in the back yard with occasional feedings and waterings whenever you feel like it is no life for a dog.
  • Ultimately, your dog is a source of unconditional love.  Your dog won’t leave you a Dear John letter or tell you to get lost.  Though you’ll often go to work, go out into the world and leave your dog alone, he/she is like a friend that’s always there waiting for you when you get home.

I hate to admit it, but the film was a real tearjerker.  I mean, not to spoil it, but as a viewer, you’re forced to witness a dog die over and over and over again and that’s before you even scrape the surface of the emotional pain his various owners are in.  Oh and time flashes by at a lightning pace and entire decades have come and gone before you realize it, so try to make the most of it before it is too late.

It sucks that the controversy derailed this film.  I sympathize with the people that are mad.  I sympathize with the people behind this film.

All and all, I’d say give the movie a chance.  There’s a definite love of all things furry behind it.

STATUS: Shelf worthy.  Woof.

 

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Vote for My Zomcation Book Cover Contest

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Zomcation is the best book ever written about an ex-soldier guilted by his depressed, divorced sister, social media addicted niece and hipster nephew into taking a vacation to an amusement park dedicated to a cartoon wombat only to end up fighting hordes of zombies when a Doomsday cult infects the park’s soda supply with a zombifying virus.

I can smell the literary awards now.  Mmm.  Smells like chicken.

Please vote for your cover here.

And please, really vote.  I’m having a hard time making up my mind.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 34

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“An iron chain crafted by the First Infallible Master and fortified by the magic of the Staff of Ages,” the master said. “It has kept this beast in line for countless millennia.”

“Even worse,” Shaoshang said as he drummed his claws against the loops that dangled down from his neck. “It clashes with everything. I can’t do a thing with it.”

The monster paced back and forth, dragging the chain along the floor as it moved. The length continued to a plate in the wall, secured with two heavy screws.

“You’re looking well,” the master said.

Shaoshang flashed a toothy grin. “Looks have always been my strong suit, old man. Patience, on the other hand, not so much. Why do you waste my time?”

“Does it matter that much to you?” the master asked. “You have so much of it, after all.”

“Yes,” Shaoshang said. “But when you came in, you wrested me out of a splendid slumber. Oh, I was having the most magnificent dream.”

“It brought you joy, I presume?” the master asked.

“Oh yes,” Shaoshang said as he paced about. “You were there, burning alive, although I guess that’s out of the question. My word, Yaozu, if this Dragonhand fellow really got the best of you then I would very much like to shake his hand.”

“The two of you would get along well,” the master said.

“Anyway,” Shaoshang said. “Before I was so rudely interrupted, in my dream I was free and sitting upon the Dragon Throne. It was soaked in the blood of my enemies, many of which were either charred to cinders or separated from their heads. Oh how I enjoy putting heads on pikes.”

The beast reached out his hand and lightly traced a claw down the side of Junjie’s cheek. The hero winced.

“Speaking of heads,” Shaoshang said. “What a lovely ripe squash you have there.”

“Know your place, creature,” the master said.

“Come now, jailer,” Shaoshang said. “Surely there’s no harm in a little fun.”

“There is in your version of fun,” the master said.

A hot puff of steam popped out of Shaoshang’s nose. The monster’s nostrils flared and his eyes grew brighter as he shouted, “Then why have you disturbed me?!”

Junjie’s heart pounded.
“We need your brain,” the master said.

Shaoshang stepped back. “My…brain?”

“You’re not using it for anything productive,” the master said. “Give it to my disciple.”

“Yaozu you crazy old fool,” Shaoshang said. “Surely you jest.”

“No,” the master said.

“You really thought you and this pup would walk right into my prison and walk out with my brain?” Shaoshang asked.

“Why not?” the master asked. “It will bring you nothing but torment and misery for as long as you are trapped down here. You will dwell on your past. You will think about what you have missed out on, would could have been or should have been. You will yearn to be free but as long as that chain remains around your neck, you never will be. Many years from now, the bones of everyone alive today will be dust, as will be the bones of their children and children’s children. All will have moved on. You will still be here…alone.”

“Hmm,” Shaoshang said. “When you put it like that…”

“My disciple will soon challenge a gruesome foe,” the master said. “Dragonhand has consumed the brain of every kung fu master, including mine.”

“All fat and gristle I’d wager,” Shaoshang said.

“You have lived a long time,” the master said.

“Too long,” Shaoshang lamented.

“In your long life, you also mastered every devastating move in kung fu,” the master said.

“I had to do something with my time and masturbation grew old after the first thousand years,” Shaoshang said.

“Give my disciple your brain,” the master said. “He will grow strong with your knowledge. Meanwhile, you will die and return to Diyu.”

“Not exactly a selling point, old man,” Shaoshang said. “I don’t miss that heat. Or the torture. Another demon can take a turn pushing boulders and getting poked in the ass with a sharp stick, thank you very much.”

“You escaped before,” the master said. “You could do it again.”

Shaoshang stroked his chin. “Odd. You’d risk giving me another chance to take the Dragon Throne?”

“I know you can be defeated,” the master said. “It’s Dragonhand that I am not sure about.”

“Pbbbht,” Shaoshang said as he blew a raspberry. “As if this ‘Dragonhand’ could ever compare to me.”

“Maybe he can,” the master said. “Maybe he can’t. You’ll never know when you’re rotting away down here while he sits on the Dragon Throne, will you?”

Shaoshang snorted. “Damn you, Yaozu.”

“The same throne you have coveted for so long,” the master said.

“Damn you, Yaozu!” the beast repeated, louder this time.

“Think quickly,” the master said. “You have a chance to die and escape this imprisonment. Refuse and another offer will never be made again.”

“Bah,” Shaoshang grumbled.

“You will remain in captivity until the world crumbles and begins again anew,” the master said.

Shaoshang nodded. “You’ve talked me into it.”

“Good,” the master said. “Now hold still while my disciple claws out your brain.”

“Not so fast,” Shaoshang said. “Did you really think I’d give up my thinker without a fight?”

“I hoped so,” the master said. “If you win, you’ll remain in this hole forever.”

“Ahh,” Shaoshang said. “But if I win, I will have defeated an Infallible Master. That juicy victory will nourish me until the end of time.”

“Very well,” the master said. “My disciple will fight you.”

“Wait,” Junjie said. “What?”

“You will fight this vile demon and devour his brain,” the master said.

“Ahem,” Junjie said as he coughed into his hand. “Master, a word?”

“Excuse us,” the master said as he and Junjie walked into the darkness.

“Oh don’t worry about me,” Shaoshang said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Master,” Junjie said once he was away from the monster. “You didn’t think I was able to defeat Dragonhand, but now you think I stand a chance against that…thing?”
“He is chained,” the master said. “He is at a great disadvantage.”

Junjie paused for a moment before continuing. “And you’d have me eat his brain? Won’t that turn me into a brain fiend?”

“It is possible,” the master said. “But I do believe you are one of a handful of people in the world who are able to eat a brain and not succumb to temptation. The Staff of Ages would not have chosen you otherwise.”

Shaoshang’s voice traveled into the darkness. “What’s it going to be?”

“You’ll need his strength if you are to get Mei-Ling back,” the master said.

Junjie exhaled. “Fine.”

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Movie Review – Sing (2016)

Singing animals.  A koala bear hustler.  A mouse who can channel Sinatra.

BQB here with a review of Sing.

Non-Disney animation studios have always been at a disadvantage.  They’ve put out some great, funny films over the years, but rarely do they ever churn out something that could be called a “classic.”

Disney’s got the schmaltzy, heart string tugging formula down and it doesn’t hurt that they have a couple of parks to indoctrinate kids into their universe at a young age either.

I think Illumination, the studio who gave us those pesky minions, have brought us an instant classic with Sing.

Matthew (“Aw right, aw right, aw right”) McConaughey voices producer/down on his luck charlatan Buster Moon, a koala bear desperately trying to save the theater his father helped him build.  He thinks an American Idol-esque singing contest will do the trick, but alas, a typo on the advertising flyers courtesy of his incompetent secretary/iguana Miss Crawly lands him in hot water.

Finalists include:

  • Rosita (Reese Witherspoon) – A pig/stay at home mom who feels her vocal talents are being wasted in a life spent washing clothes and grocery shopping.
  • Mike (Seth MacFarlane) – A mouse who sings like Frank Sinatra with a gambling program that has left him in hock to a bunch of angry bears.
  • Ash (Scarlett Johansson) – A punk rocker porcupine, or “punkupine” if you will, trying to decide whether or not to stick with her loser boyfriend/bandmate or strike out on her own.
  • Johnny (Taron Egerton) – A gorilla forced into a life of crime by his bank robbing father.
  • Meena (Tori Kelly) – A shy elephant who would be a great singer if she can just get up the nerve.

Along the way, there are frogs who appropriately sing Van Halen’s Jump, bunnies who pay tribute to Sir Mix-a-Lot, and an alligator who sings the Humpty Dance.

Each character has his/her own reasons for wanting to win the contest and by the end of the film you find yourself rooting for all of them.  The kids will enjoy it but you will too.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – What is your favorite type of cheese?

I have to go with cheddar.  Although, you can’t go wrong with a good piece of Swiss.

Sorry, I’m working on my books, so alas, this blog will suffer…more so than it already has.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – What is the Key to Happiness?

Hey 3.5 readers.

I don’t have a big build up here.  I just want to know what do all 3.5 of you think the key to happiness is?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

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More Prompts

#53 – Lucky Rabbit’s Foot

One day while perusing the knick knacks in a gift shop, Gordon spies a lucky rabbit’s foot key chain.

“I sure could use some of that,” Gordon says.

Gordon buys the key chain, and takes it to his rundown, ramshackle house, where he lives alone with no wife and no kids even though he is pushing forty.  There, at a table piled with overdue bills, he attaches his keys to the key chain.  He then goes to bed.

In the morning, Gordon is offered a do-nothing job with a high six-figure salary, a free mansion due to his name being selected at random in a contest, and on his phone, there are ten messages from his ex-wife seeking to patch things up.

“Thank you, lucky rabbit’s foot!” Gordon shouts.

Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.  Gordon opens it to find an adorable, three-legged bunny.

“If I were you, I’d toss the leg in the river, buddy,” the bunny says.

“Oh,” Gordon says.  “I’m sorry.  Is this yours?”

“Yeah,” the bunny replies.  “But keep that foot away from me.  Why do you think I chopped it off in the first place?  It brought me nothing but misery.  Sure, it put me on easy street for a time.  I surrounded by fine ass bunny broads and all the carrots I could eat, but before I knew it, I was being chased by a psychopathic farmer who wanted to turn me into bunny stew.”

“Wow,” Gordon says.  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah,” the bunny says.  “And you’ll be sorry if you keep that thing.  But why would you listen to me?  None of the previous owners of that leg did and they’re all six feet under now.  You’ll be no different.”

The bunny hops away.  Gordon shuts the door, sits down, and ponders his situation.

What is in store for Gordon?  Will he keep the rabbit’s foot?  Will it cause him misery if it does?  Take the story from here and follow it to a conclusion.

#54 – Surprise Cake

As Daphne the stripper is wheeled inside a giant cake on a cart to a location to be determined, she starts questioning her life choices.  She wishes she had stayed in school, stayed away from alcohol and made something of her life.

“This is my last job,” she whispers to herself.  “I’m going to be clean and legit from hereon out.”

The cake stops.  Daphne hears some voices coming from the outside.  She bursts out of the cake in her birthday suit, sending crumbs and bits of frosting flying everywhere as she shouts, “Surprise!”

Sadly, Daphne is the only one who is surprised.  Instead of a beer hall filled with obsequious perverts, she’s in a church filled with nicely dressed, God fearing folk.  This isn’t the bachelor party she was expecting at all.

“Umm,” Daphne says as she desperately tries to cover herself with her arms, “I think there’s been a mistake?”

How did this happen?  Will the church folk call the cops, or was this mixup a form of divine intervention?  Perhaps these bible thumpers will help Daphne get on the straight and narrow path to salvation?  Or, will some unforeseen events transpire?

#55 – Heaven

For me, Heaven is a place where you can eat as much of the worst possible food imaginable as you want and never gain a pound.  Also, hot babes are plentiful and they find me attractive and interesting.  Better yet, I find myself attractive and interesting.  Also, it is possible to canoodle with the hot babes with reckless abandon and not wake up itchy the next morning.

What is Heaven like for you?  Write a description.

#56 – Hell

For me, Hell is a place where you have unlimited cookies but no milk to dunk them in, unlimited chicken nuggets but no sauce to dip them in.  Also, hot babes are plentiful and they find me interesting and attractive.  However, I am wearing a pair of titanium pants that are so securely tight around my lower half that I can’t really do anything with those hot babes.  Yet they keep coming on to me anyway.

What is Hell like for you?  Write a description.

#57 – Moldy Food Monster

Greg is a total slob.  He’s vaguely heard of a device known as a trash can but he’s never used one before in his entire life.  He comes.  He parks his butt on the couch, watches TV and throws his fast food containers in a corner of the room.

Over a period of several months, the moldy food inside of the containers grow mold.  They seep out of the containers, stick together and form one great big giant moldy food monster.

Name the monster.  Give him a personality.  Will he be good or evil?  Will he help Greg fix his lousy life or will he suck his creator into a deeper, darker hole of sadness and despair?

#58 – The Drunk Reaper

The Grim Reaper, exhausted after ushering souls off to the great beyond, cracks open a beer, then another one, and then after one.  He moves up to shots and after awhile, he’s wasted.

While “Death” sleeps off a hangover, no one in the entire world dies for twenty-four hours.  When he wakes up, he sees the world is still running and decides that no one will miss him if he just up and quits.

Thus, no one ever dies.  Everyone lives forever.

Options:

a) Write a story from the perspective that this is bad.  No one accomplishes anything if they think they have unlimited time to do it in.  The world’s resources dry up if people are being continuously added without anyone being subtracted.

b)  Write a story from the perspective that this is good.  Everyone is happy because they no longer have to worry about dying.  Criminals lose their strength because they can’t threaten anyone with violence anymore if no one can die.  People can eat, drink and be merry without worrying about the health effects.  People are nice to each other because they feel like there’s less of a competition for life’s resources.  After all, as long as you get to live forever, then if you don’t get what you want today, you can always try again tomorrow.

#59 – Mail Order Bride

Depressed and lonely, Gus fills out an online form on a Russian mail order bride website.  After he clicks the submit button, he starts having second thoughts and realizes this might have been a mistake.

Days later, Gus comes home from work to find a large crate on his front doorstep.  He pries it open only to discover a hot Siberian babe named Svetlana inside, covered with styrofoam packing peanuts.

Will this be a love story?  A comedy?  A drama?  Some other genre?  You decide, then write it.

#60- Get Medieval 

The Red Knight is kind and wishes to bring peace to the realm.  The Purple Knight is kind of a jerk face and wants nothing more than to rule the realm with iron fist and kill all who disobey.

Strap on your suit of armor and tell the epic tale of Red Knight vs. Purple Knight.

 

 

 

 

Zom Fu Book Cover

Behold, 3.5 readers, the book cover for Zom Fu in all of its brain yanking glory.

Now I just need to finish writing the book.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Thank You, 3.5 Readers

Just a quick thank you to my 3.5 readers for being my readers.  Of all the blogs out there with 3.5 readers, my 3.5 readers are the best.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 28

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General Tsang entered the Emperor’s throne room, a wondrous place where the walls were lined with gold and red columns stretched to the ceiling. He climbed a set of steps and took in the sight of the illustrious Dragon Throne, a magnificent seat adorned with carvings of the legendary fire breathing lizards.

The general waited patiently and did his best to choke down his bile as he observed Advisor Zhen’s rotund posterior parked in a place normally reserved for the country’s leader. To the left and right of the throne stood two stoic members of the Imperial Guard, each clad in traditional blue and white uniforms with red plumes coming out of the tops of their helmets.

Off to the far left stood Captain Yuen, Commander of the Imperial Guard. Tsang and Yuen traded respectful nods.

A boney old farmer in dirty rags groveled before the advisor. He looked as though he hadn’t eaten in weeks. Meanwhile, the advisor wore green robes sewn from the finest fabric. His neck and fingers were decorated in enough jewelry to feed the old man, his family, his village, and a hundred other villages into perpetuity.

“Please, noble advisor,” the old man said. “The taxes you have imposed…they are too great.”

Two beauties stood near the advisor. One waved a fan towards the fat man’s face while the other periodically plucked grapes and popped them into the chubby bureaucrat’s gob.

“You don’t wish to help your country?” the advisor asked.

“Oh no, sir,” the old man said. “It’s just that…the children. They are wasting away.”

A beauty popped a grape into the advisor’s mouth. It was quickly gobbled. “I see. Then you do not wish to help your Emperor?”

“No,” the farmer said. “It’s not that at all. Please, Advisor Zhen, you must understand the people of my village, they toil in the fields day and night, working themselves to the bone and yet they have nothing to show for it. Your tax collectors take it all and yet they continue to harass us, telling us we owe more.”

“Well then,” Advisor Zhen said between grape chomps. “I suggest that you do as they say and pay them more.”

The frustration on the old farmer’s face was palpable. “But we have no more!”

Advisor Zhen hoisted his heft upward and looked down on the peasant. “Why do you bore me with such lies?”

The farmer was bewildered by the accusation. “Sir?”

“If your life is as difficult as you say it is, then surely you would not have time to assail my ears with your tedious whining,” Advisor Zhen said. “You’d be out foraging for berries or eating dirt before you’d come to me with this nonsense.”

“But we have done that,” the old man said.

Advisor Zhen shooed the farmer away with a flick of his wrist. “Whatever your village’s taxes were before, considered them…doubled.”

The old man clutched his chest. “Sir?”

“Do you want them to be tripled?” Advisor Zhen asked.

The old man shook his head. “No! Please, sir, no.”

The advisor leaned back on the throne and focused on his next grape. “Away with you, wretch. Do not return with such contrived tales of woe again.”

“Yes sir,” the old man said. He bowed, then turned and hurried out of the throne room.

“Now then,” the advisor said as he slapped his hands together and rubbed them, then looked to his beauties. “Who wants to play a game of slap and tickle?”

The beauties giggled. General Tsang cleared his throat to grab the pig’s attention.

“Oh,” Advisor Zhen said. “Someone left a pile of shit in a suit of armor on my doorstep. What is it, Tsang?”

Tsang stepped forward. “If you can take a break from testing the bolts in the Emperor’s throne with your corpulent ass, I need a word.”

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