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I felt like I was going to vomit. Vicky already had.
Happly’s rickety propeller plane jostled us all over the place. It was such a rusty bucket of bolts that it looked like it was going to fall apart at any minute.
“How y’all doin’ back there?” Happly shouted back to us over the loud, struggling engine. It sounded like it hadn’t been tuned up in years, if at all.
Thank you for flying with Kip Happly Enterprises. The lap of luxury package costs a hundred bucks extra. Actual package may or may not be included.
I looked around. We were surrounded by crates filled with live chickens, guns, grenades, and a white powdery substance that was either sugar or nose candy.
“I thought you said we’d be flying in the lap of luxury!” I yelled.
An asian woman popped her head out of the copilot’s seat and looked at us.
“Meet my wife, Luxury!” Happly yelled. “Met her in a Bangkok Boom Boom Room! A real sweet gal! Not entirely sure if she was born a man or a woman but when you’re in love, you’re in love.”
“Um,” I said. “OK then.”
“Aww,” Vicky said, clutching her right hand over her heart. “That’s so sweet!”
“Did y’all want to sit on her lap?” Happly asked. “I forgot to mention, that’s an extra hundred bucks!”
“We’re good!” I yelled.
An explosion bursted about ten feet over the cockpit windshield. I felt my butt pucker to the point where it almost sucked me inside of it.
“Holy smokes!” Happly yelled. “That’s our welcoming party! Them Pango-Tango boys do not like uninvited guests!”
“Can you radio them or something?!” I shouted. “Tell them we’re friendly!”
Happly slapped his knee and laughed. Luxury joined in.
“Son, they don’t give a flyin’ elephant patoot if you’re friendly or not!” Happly said.
“They’re not going to try to blow us up when we land are we?” I asked.
Happly turned around and lifted his goggles to reveal one tiny beady eye and one milky glass eye.
“Son!” the pilot yelled. “Who in tarnation ever said anything about landing?!”
No landing? Say what? Oh no he did-ent. BQB and the Meaning of Life returns tomorrow. Same BQB time. Same BQB channel. Tell your friends. If you have no friends, make some and tell them.
Copyright (C) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler. All Rights Reserved.
It’s original. It’s not a reboot of a remake of a sequel. It’s the breakout success of the summer. And it left BQB rolling in the aisles.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of the comedy/action film Spy.
OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING
Movie Trailer – Spy – 20th Century Fox
I have to admit going into this I wasn’t expecting much, so I love it when a movie leaves me pleasantly surprised and wanting more.
Melissa McCarthy’s great and all but for awhile I’ve felt her best performance was in Bridesmaids and everything else was just icing on the cake.
Until now.
McCarthy stars as Susan Cooper, a desk jockey CIA analyst who provides mission support for CIA agent Bradley Fine (Jude Law).
When the covers of the CIA’s top agents are blown, the situation calls for a real nobody to save the day, someone the enemy has never heard of before.
Or in other words, Susan Cooper.
Over the years, many films have tried to blend action with comedy with mixed results. Sometimes there’s a focus on the comedy and the action is watered down or vice versa. This film, on the other hand, provides the perfect mix of both. I was slapping my knee uncontrollably at all the funny bits but at the same time, was blown away with visual effects and fight scenes that rival any of the other action blockbusters out this summer.
McCarthy’s stock will no doubt rise after this picture. Not to give too much away, but she hilariously overcomes various lame cover identities to take control and bring down a scheme to sell a nuclear bomb.
What’s the key to a great comedy? For me, it’s uncontrollable laughter. Laughter is as real as it gets when it comes to emotional reaction. You either laugh or you don’t and I can’t remember a movie that left me guffawing like an idiot the way this one did.
Jason Statham shows a new side of himself as he provides a parody of every tough guy he’s ever played in the form of Agent Rick Ford. As a running joke in the film, Ford continuously regales Cooper with countless stories of dangers he’s encountered on the job. He’s been shot, stabbed, set on fire, and ingested one-hundred and seven varieties of poison, just to name a few.
Statham with a sense of humor. Who knew he had it in him?
As Rayna, the bad girl of the film, Rose Byrne proves that various dirty words said with a British accent become that much more hilarious.
British actress Miranda Hart plays Cooper’s sidekick Nancy, another CIA desk jockey who’s thrust into the thick of it without any prior field experience. I’d never heard of her before but her performance left me hoping to see more of her in the future.
Ultimately, this movie pokes fun at the James Bond films and yet, not only does it do that well, it becomes something special all of its own.
As you might be aware, Director Paul Feig and McCarthy are a comedic duo. Feig provides the film know how while McCarthy provides the laughs.
Up until now, the duo hadn’t provided a movie with intense action and special effects but if this film is an indication of what they are capable of, then this critic is resting a little easier knowing that the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot is in good hands.
By: A Bunch of Hot Action Star Chicks, Special Guest Contributors to the Bookshelf Battle Blog
A Bunch of Hot Chicks With Guns – Special Bookshelf Battle Guest Contributors
Hello. We’re a bunch of hot action star chicks. We can literally say anything right now and you’ll listen, especially if you’re a man, because a) we’re hot and b) we kick ass. Checking us out allows you to live out your impotent male fantasies of a) being a tough guy and b) getting to hang out with hot chicks.
Since we no doubt have your rapt attention, due to the fact that we’re a bunch of hot action star chicks and you’re a man, we feel the need to take advantage of this opportunity to inform you of the following important issues, which you will totally listen to, because as previously mentioned, we’re a bunch of hot action star chicks, and you’re a drooling man:
1) Global warming is a dangerous issue and requires more attention from our world leaders. But action begins at home. Are you recycling? Are you shutting off your lights and other electronic appliances when they’re not in use? Are your making sure to not run the faucet? Think of all the water that can be saved if you’d just shut the faucet off while you’re brushing your teeth instead of allowing it to run until your done. A little common sense can go a long way to help Mother Earth.
2) As a society, we must do more to help our fellow man. We all talk a big game but honestly, talk is cheap and doing something about it is better. Contact your local civic organizations today as there are likely many volunteer opportunities that will allow you to give back to your community. Remember, when you take a shift at your neighborhood soup kitchen, you’re not just passing out a hot bowl of minestrone, you’re also dishing out hope.
3) Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life is going to drop on this blog like a hot potato on May 15. Mark your calendars and clear your schedules, because you know you’re going to want to read it.
In conclusion, we, a bunch of hot action star chicks, would like to thank you for taking the time to read to read BQB’s blog.
Sincerely,
A Bunch of Hot Action Star Chicks
Bunch of hot action star chicks photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Copious amounts of testosterone? Better believe that’s a check.
Plot? Ehhh…
Fasten your seat belt and hit your nitrous switch, it’s time for my review of Fast and Furious 7.
But be forewarned…the spoilers are going to come…at a fast and furious pace! (:::rimshot:::)
Cars jumping out of planes? Sure, that could probably happen…
BQB: Yeti, what did you think of the movie?
THE YETI: I did not understand the plot. I have not seen parts 1-7. Did a scientist unleash a chemical that turned most of the characters into a bunch of angry jacked bald men?
BQB: What?
THE YETI: The Rock, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Tyrese Gibson, Djimon Honsou…like 90% of the cast are a bunch of cueballs!
BQB: I’m pretty sure that’s the great cosmic deal, Yeti. The universe can make a badass, but in exchange, you have to give up your hair.
THE YETI: The film company must have saved a mint on shampoo costs alone.
Paul Walker
Let’s get the sad part out of the way first. Paul Walker passed away during the film’s production in a tragic car crash (sadly and ironically, on his own time). Since he plays a main character (Brian) in these films, would the continuity of the film suffer without him became the question on the minds of movie buffs.
THE YETI: BQB, do you think the continuity of the movie suffered due to Paul Walker’s unfortunate passing?
BQB: Good question, Yeti. That was just on my mind. No, I don’t think it did. Going into it, I assumed his character would somehow leave mid-film, but he stays right to the end, so apparently a great deal was taped before the world lost this action star.
I would be interested in learning what had to be done to compensate for his passing. Toward the end of the film, there are some action sequences that take place in the dark, and “Brian” is either seen from far away, or if his face is on screen, it’s only for a split second between various karate moves. That made me wonder whether a stunt double was utilized or if that was just the intent of the scene since it took place at night in a dark building.
In other words, there are times when I’m not sure whether or not it was Paul and I don’t want to diss Paul if in fact he was in said scenes.
There is a scene at the end where Dom and Paul do their usual “pull up to each other at the end” and have a heart-to-heart talk. There, the scene did look like footage taken of Paul in the past.
And whereas these movies usually end with Dom and Paul drag racing, they instead, drive off, going their separate ways…Dom to continue his life as a bad ass, Brian to be a husband and Dad.
Aww. Tear.
Obviously, I care more about Walker’s life than an action movie, but from a critic’s perspective, I did not think that Walker’s death impacted the overall quality of the film and in my eye anyway, I did not notice any defects or flaws caused to the film. Any changes they had to make were minor or barely noticeable.
Great question, Yeti. Do you have any others?
THE YETI: Yes. Were there any sad scenes made even sadder due to Walker’s passing?
BQB: Indeed there were, Yeti. There’s a scene where Brian has a heartfelt phone conversation with Mia, where she tells her husband that the way he’s talking makes it sound like he’s never coming home and well, that becomes more depressing now that we know Walker is not coming home.
There’s also a montage of Walker through the years in the past 7 movies, dating back to 2001 and it’s just amazing how you don’t recognize it while it’s happening, but people really do grow and change over the course of a decade.
One more thing – Walker left one more movie behind. Last year’s Brick Mansions, was, in my opinion, another must see flick for fans of urban action films.
Alright then. Let’s move from the sad to the awesome.
Obviously, with these films, you check your thinking cap at the door. In fact, here’s my thought process with every outlandish stunt I see:
BQB: Oh, come on. That could never happen! Cars jumping out of planes? Preposterous! Through buildings? Get out of here! That defies all laws of science and physics and…OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!! DO IT AGAIN!
Nope, you don’t go for the plot. You go for the action and special effects.
THE YETI: Why do they bother pulling all of these fast car jobs when they have so many skills? Driving skills, computer skills, planning skills…
BQB: Shut up, Yeti.
I dare say that the scene where Dom jumps a 3.5 million dollar plus car through three buildings (as in it exits out one window, jumps a large expanse, does it again, then ends up in a third building).
THE YETI: What did you think of Kurt Russell?
BQB: You’re full of questions, aren’t you, Yeti? Personally, I think the Rock is awesome and let’s be honest, he saved this franchise. I get the impression that the Rock enjoys Hobbs, a character who is unapologetic about his awesomeness.
Therefore, it was sad to see Hobbs get laid up in the hospital for most of the film, with Kurt Russell taking over as the agent that convinces Dom’s crew to pull a job. That being said, Russell did a great job and he was awesome.
At one point, I was left wondering about the overall question of what makes a movie great. Let’s face it. Flicks like this one will never win an Academy Award and yet when you think about it, with all the stunts, action, special effects and so on…there’s probably more moving parts and issues to coordinate than, say Birdman.
And while I’m not saying, “Let’s give Fast and Furious an Oscar!” I am saying that F and F 7 is a better film than Birdman.
Yup. I’m sorry. I said it. Had F and F 7 come out in 2014 it would of been more deserving of an Oscar than Birdman.
Other notables:
Game of Thrones fans will be pleased to see Nathalie Emmanuel aka the Khaleesi’s translator Missandei in a major on screen role.
Did anyone else think “If it is possible for this franchise to have a “Jump the Shark” moment, that it might have been the part where the crew jumps out of plane in their cars and somehow they all manage to land on one road in perfect formation?
Why are their cars constantly being sprayed with bullets and yet they never die?
Was the Rock’s epic fight in the beginning with Jason Statham the best thing ever?
Has anyone figured out why so many musclebound dudes go bald?
THE YETI: But it’s so stupid. They drive cars. They blow stuff up. Constant chaos. It reminds me of the Yeti village.
BQB: Again, suspend your concerns about plot and substance at the door. These films are basically one big on screen thrill ride. They might as well make the seats shake it charge admission to it at Disney World.
THE YETI: Are you going to talk about Paul Walker again before you go?
BQB: Yes. So, on this blog, I talk a lot about heroes for average people – folks that the ordinary man can look up to. Now, Walker was an above averagely good looking movie star, so obviously we can’t call him average.
But here’s what sets him apart from other action stars. There’s a scene where he takes on a bus full of terrorists while wearing a hoodie. That may not seem like much, but think about other movies where the hero wears a uniform, or a bullet proof vest or armor or something.
Maybe I’m just reading too much into it but when you see a good guy taking out bad guys while wearing ordinary street clothes, it makes me think that maybe that could inspire moviegoers to become better than average.
You too can do awesome things in just your hoodie and jeans. But, you know, just don’t try to take out a bunch of terrorists by yourself. Duh.
I’ll be interested to see what direction the series goes in from here, if it does continue at all. As discussed above, it was left that Brian drove off in his own direction to become a family man. I think that was a good decision because to kill the character off would have been a bit macabre given the the actor’s tragic passing.
Will the crew go on without Brian? Will they hang up their stick shifts and call it quits? Time will tell. But all in all, they were faced with a difficult task – deliver an over the top action blockbuster while remaining respectful to the loss of one of the main stars…and it delivered.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. RIP Paul Walker. You will be missed.
DOM: We’ve all flown to Toyko, first class. We’ve rented a warehouse to be our lair. We’ve purchased ten high end tricked out sports cars to drive and we’ve rigged a state of the art computer system to monitor the entire caper.
LUDACRIS: Question.
DOM: Yeah?
LUDACRIS: If we’ve got so much money that we can easily buy all this shit, why are we running around committing car crimes, driving through buildings and off bridges and getting blasted at by tanks and shit?
Bookshelf Q. Battler here. I snuck out while the Yeti was playing Tapper to take in a movie tonight. Hate to say it, but the Yeti has become less of a captor and more of an annoying uninvited house guest.
But I digress.
Regrets? Liam Neeson’s Jimmy Conlon has had a few and they’re all catching up with him over the course of one non-stop, action packed night.
Movieclips Trailers
Ever since Taken, Neeson has had a resurgence, moving from dramatic actor to tough guy action star. In most of these films, he’s calm, cool, collected. Surprisingly, in this film we see a divergence. Neeson still plays a man you want on your side if you’re in a pinch, but he’s also a bad guy. Worse, he’s not just any bad guy. When we’re introduced to Jimmy, he’s a sloppy, slobbering, lowlife drunk, depressed over a life spent being a murderer for his longtime friend and mob boss Shawn Maguire (Ed Harris). Of course, Jimmy sobers up quickly as he can’t be expected to take out one goon after the next in an inebriated state.
Michael Conlon (Joel Kinnaman from last year’s Robocop reboot) hates his father and avoids him all costs in the name of living a law abiding life. Unfortunately, he ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time when he inadvertently witnesses Maguire’s son Danny (Boyd Holbrook) shoot some Albanian drug dealers during a deal gone awry.
Danny tries to shoot Michael so as to leave no witnesses but ends up being shot by Jimmy. Maguire vows revenge against his long time friend and criminal associate and has a seemingly endless supply of degenerate henchmen to lob at the father-son duo as they navigate their way through the streets of New York City.
Common provides a chilling turn as stone cold hit man Andrew Price, dispatched by Maguire to take the Conlons out. Vincent D’Onofrio also submits an emotional performance as Detective Harding, the good cop who has been hunting Jimmy for twenty-five years, only to see every case he’s brought against the mob murderer fall through the cracks of a corrupt justice system.
And yet, the rub for Harding is that on this particular night, Jimmy is not the bad guy, so the detective is struck with the unenviable task of having to help a man he despises do a good thing – i.e. save the lives of Michael and his family.
Why is revenge such a powerful force that it makes men blind to the realities around them? Maguire knows his son did wrong. He knows Jimmy just did something any father would do. Even so, Maguire is out for blood and it is a bit heartbreaking to watch as a duo with a thirty year friendship take each other on.
Nick Nolte makes a quick cameo and, well, not to put the guy down because, hey, time eventually comes for all of us, but it did take me a second to realize it was Nick Nolte.
The film moves at a mile a minute pace and never slows down. If you’re looking for a good Spring action flick, you won’t be disappointed.
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