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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 4 Interview – Ann Christy – When Life Gives You Lemons…

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Today’s guest is Ann Christy, author of the Between Life and Death series.  Follow teenager Emily as she makes her way through a world comprised of three groups:  humans, deaders, and the flesh-eating in-betweeners.

Among her other works, Ann is also the author of the Silo 49 series, which takes place in the world of Hugh Howey’s Wool, as well as the dystopian adventure, Strikers, and many others.

Ann, welcome.  It truly takes a brave individual to take a call from Alien Jones’ space phone.

NOTE:  BOLD = BQB; ITALICS = ANN

51LzhZZAQ2L._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_Q.   Life doesn’t always turn out the way we want it to, does it?  Take my pal, Bernie Plotznick, for instance.  All he ever wanted to do was become a successful rap mogul but instead, he’s freaking out because life set him smack dab in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.  That made me think of Between Life and Death protagonist Emily.

As the description of The In-Betweener states, “At eighteen, Emily thought life would be different. Dating, college, and maybe giving her mom a few reasons to worry were the plans she had in mind. Now, she talks to herself and smashes heads with her favorite sledgehammer.”

Do you have any advice for my 3.5 readers who thought life was going to be X only to be mortified upon discovery that it is actually Y?

A.   What’s that saying? Making lemonade or something when life gives you lemons? Well, that’s rot. What you do is pour vodka in your glass, squeeze one of those lemons like it’s a wallet filled with cash, and then chug it. After that…and a couple more, because lemons are plural…sit down and re-prioritize. Nothing is set in stone and any path can be strayed from. Find the path you want…and more vodka.

Q.   In this series, you’ve got several groups.  Nanites.  Deaders.  In-betweeners.  I also have a hunch not every human can be trusted.  That’s usually the case even when there’s not a zombie apocalypse afoot.  Is there a group that is particularly nastier than the rest or are they all equally awful?

A.   Everyone is awful in their own way, just as in real life. Everyone is also awesome in their own way, again as in real life. Okay, not everyone is awesome because I’ve concluded that there are actually people in real life who are 100% asshats. My books reflect that reality on occasion. To actually answer your question, though: In-Betweeners are alive, but were dead for a brief period, only to be revived by their nanite constellation. Since they lack much of their humanity, they function really as animals, with instincts and drives making up the motivations for action. That, to me, makes them the most scary because it’s so easy to see ourselves in that. Of course, humans always suck. So, there’s that.

Q.   You’re a recently retired Navy officer, which no doubt comes with a great deal of training and experience.  Does any of that come in handy when you’re writing and how so?

A.   Yep. That it does. Like pretty much every Naval Officer, I did many jobs, some of them all at the same time. For the last 16 years of my service, I was supposed to be a scientist, but I was also a deployer, battle planner…you name it. “Science” is a rather broad term, but like everything else, I worked in more than one field, often melding multiple fields together for specific needs. That sort of versatility really does help when writing complex worlds. And, incidentally, slightly more plausible reasons for the Z-Apoc to happen, which is super fun.

Q.  What made you take the leap into the writing world?

A.   Hugh Howey. I had no clue a writer was lurking inside me like a whiney wanker demanding to be let out. Alas, there was. It’s like having a perpetually hungry and tired three year old rattling around in my head. Most unsettling and I’ve developed a craving for nuggetized chicken on top of it.

Oh, you wanted a serious answer? Okay. It really was Hugh Howey. I read Wool when it was still new and only had the one volume out…and by that I mean the first little novella, not the book. After part two came out, I started thinking that I’d like to see someone with some freaking morals and sense of right in power once in a while. That started the whole thing percolating in my head. I asked Hugh if I could write it, he said yes. I had zero clue that thousands of people would buy it within a couple of months of me putting that unedited piece of brain-scream out. But they did. And they liked it.

And then I learned you can actually hire editors, so things really picked up steam after that. It’s the greatest job I never knew I could do.

Q.   Your Silo 49 series takes place in the world of Hugh Howey’s Wool. As an aspiring self-publisher, I bow down to Hugh the way rock and roll fans worship Black Sabbath.  Is it humbling to think that you’ve displayed such a high level of writing talent that Hugh’s trusted you to work within his world?

A.   Well, to be truthful, I don’t think he actually trusted me with it. I think he’s just generous and let almost anyone play in his world. That said, I did adhere to canon well and I’ve got a great memory for detail, so I hope I didn’t muck about with established dogma too much. And I prefer to worship the Scorpions because Rock You Like A Hurricane is the best rock song ever, closely followed by the entire Back in Black album by AC/DC. Just saying…

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Here I am!  Rock you like a hurricane!  Here I am!  Rock you like a Hurri…CANE!  OK, that’s enough of that, I don’t want to have to pay the Scorpions royalties.

Q.   At least 2 out of my 3.5 readers are aspiring writers.  What advice do you have for someone just getting started?

A.   It’s not good yet. Really, it’s just not.

And right now you might be saying, “WTF!? I’m going to one star the shit out of you.” But wait, there’s more.

What I’m really saying is that the moment we start writing, we become writers (no matter any other profession we might keep so bills get paid) and as writers producing a work that might be considered art (or a butchery of art depending on the audience), we’re too close to our work to be objective. One of the biggest flaws in writing is that it’s hard to see the flaws in our own work. Very hard. Impossible at times.

If you’re thinking of becoming a writer, then also search for an editor at the same time. Call it the cost of doing business. And no, a friend who happens to have majored in English is not an editor. They’re your friend. Editing is super important. Other than that, just let your mind take over and create what you want. I don’t believe (not even a little bit) that writers are some special breed, that we’re born to it, or anything of that sort. Everyone has a story inside them, probably hundreds of stories. Get that bad boy out and into the world!

If you really can’t afford an editor at the moment, then you can use my Four Views method, which does work for short stories and such pretty well. If you can’t have a professional edit for flow, then at least get rid of the errors and the Four Views method helps with that. Here they are:

ANN’s FOUR VIEWS METHOD

One – On the screen, read-through from your word-processing program, which is what we all do anyway while we’re writing.

Two – Text-to-Speech from Word or whatever your word processing program is.

Three – Send the file to your kindle and read it like a book. You’d be amazed how many errors you find that way.

Four – Print it out and read it aloud to yourself in a room. Not from the screen, read from paper. You’ll see errors because your brain processes reading aloud from paper differently than reading silently.

Q.  Thank you so much for your time.  Before I go, do you have any other survival tips for my friends and I as we continue to brave our way through the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.   Yes.  Yes I do.

First: Twinkies are mandatory and not just because the most awesome comedic zombie movie ever says so. They don’t rot. I’ve experimented.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Bonus points to my 3.5 readers if you can guess the movie in the comments.

Second: At it’s most basic, momentum is force over time (really, it’s way more complicated but this is a short answer). And this is important. What it means is that the longer your swing with that hammer (or axe, or baseball bat), the more head-smashing potential you have. Take big swings.

Third: I would stock up on garlic and silver bullets, because if the z-poc ever really happens, then all kinds of supernatural bullshit is about to come out of the woodwork and that means freaking sparkly vampires and weregophers and other craptastic stuff.

See you on the other side!

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 4

“The horror. The horror.”

Bernie's starting to become the weak link in our survival group's chain.

Bernie’s starting to become the weak link in our survival group’s chain.

Bernie sat on the cold tile, trying to conceive of the atrocity he’d just committed.

“It’s ok man,” I said as I rested a hand on his shoulder. “It’s the zombie apocalypse. We’re all bound to do something stupid sooner or later.”

“But look at them all, man!” Bernie said. “I…I can’t believe I did this.”

“I can’t believe he did that either,” VGRF said, surveying the mess.

“Is there a point to making him feel bad about it now?” I asked. “What’s done is done.”

Alien Jones strolled in, nonchalant as usual.

“Gadzooks!  Is anyone going to clean up all these candy bar wrappers?”

“Twenty Crunchtasticks,” Bernie said as he laid back on the floor and grabbed his stomach. “Oh my God, I can’t believe I ate them all.”

“We’re all under a lot of stress,” I said. “You just have to find a way to deal with it by doing something more productive than snarfing down a bunch of candy bars.”

“This isn’t how I wanted my life to be,” Bernie said. “I wanted the Funky Hunks to go double-platinum! I wanted to hang out with Fiddy and Snoop and drive a Bentley and throw hot tub parties with supermodels.”

He leaned up and grabbed my shirt collar.

“So many supermodels! Where are my supermodels, BQB? Where?!”

“Some things just weren’t meant to be,” I said. “Some people get a hot tub full of supermodels. Some people don’t. We live and die by the cards life has dealt us and there’s no use whining about it.”

“But we were on TV!”

It was time for a confrontation that was years in the making.

“For five minutes,” I said. “Fifteen years ago. At four a.m. on World’s Lamest Musicians. When are you going to get over it, Bernie? The Funky Hunks are dead! Deader than those zombies outside the gate that want to kill us! Stop selling oranges and get a job!”

“What?” Bernie asked. “You’re going to make fun of my oranges now? I will have you know that I provide the world with much needed vitamin C. Whenever you don’t have a cold, you can thank me.”

Fun fact: Stank Daddy, the top rapper on today's charts, coined the phrase "Dropping a Funky Hunk" to refer to the production of a lousy rap song. All rappers live in fear of "dropping a Funky Hunk." More often than not, the phrase is interchangeable with, "Dropping a Funky Dump."

Fun fact: Stank Daddy, the top rapper on today’s charts, coined the phrase “Dropping a Funky Hunk” to refer to the production of a lousy rap song. All rappers live in fear of “dropping a Funky Hunk.” The phrase is interchangeable with, “Dropping a Funky Dump.”

“You bum five bucks off of people who feel sorry for you and give them an orange so you can trick that rattle trap you call a brain of yours into thinking you actually DID something,” I said. “Yes, Bernie. We tried something with the Funky Hunks and we failed. Our rap duo was a miserable failure. On the great list of ‘Worst Rappers in History,’ we actually rank BELOW Milli Vanilli even though those guys were caught lip syncing. And you know why? BECAUSE WE SUCKED!”

“I don’t suck! You suck!”

“We totally sucked,” I said. “But you know what? At least we tried. We tried and we failed and that’s more

“You bum five bucks off of people who feel sorry for you and give them an orange so you can trick that than most people ever do. Be honest with yourself. You refuse to try do anything else now because you’re afraid any new path you take will end up in a massive failure of Funky Hunkian proportions, don’t you?”

Bernie stood up and marched toward the gate, which was teaming with hungry undead beasts.

“I don’t have to take this!”

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m leaving.”

“You can’t go out there!”

“Watch me. I’d rather be out there with those things than with a poor excuse for a friend like you!”

Bernie’s hand was inches away from slapping the red button that would open the gate.

“Stop!” I said. “You’re going to let them in!”

Various zombies of all races, colors and creeds were rattling the gate, looking at us like we were delicious chicken nuggets.

Alien Jones pointed a finger at Bernie and instantly, my buddy was frozen.

“Holy Crap!” I said. “Did you kill him?”

“He is frozen indefinitely,” Alien Jones said.

“Can you do that to them?” I asked, pointing at the zombies.

“It only works on living organisms.”

“Bernie’s really down in the dumps, huh?” VGRF asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “But since when is there a guarantee that we are all supposed to get the life we want?”

VGRF handed me Alien Jones’ space phone. She’d been reading an e-book. On the cover was a young girl holding a sledgehammer.

“I think the author of this book could help us out with that.”

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Movie Review – The Martian (2015) (And What It Does For Self-Publishing)

“You do the math. You solve one problem. And then you solve another. And then another. Solve enough and you stay alive.”

– Mark Watney, The Martian

An astronaut trapped on Mars.  A daring rescue mission.  Matt Damon.  Jeff Daniels.  Jessica Chastain.  Kate Mara.  Sean Bean.  Kristen Wiig.  The list of top actors on this movie is too long to keep rattling names off but the biggest star of all?

SCIENCE!

Yes, in an age where people want more explosions, sex, and what the hell, explosive sex, Alien director Ridley Scott made a movie that not only entertains but educates.

Put on your spacesuit, 3.5 readers, and let’s talk about what this movie does not only for science, but for the world of self-publishing.

The Martian – Twentieth Century Fox

OK, first of all, let’s address the proverbial elephant on the sofa, the gorilla in the barcalounger, if you will.

But BQB!  Aren’t you trapped in the middle of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

I sure am, 3.5 readers.  Luckily, I’ve got Alien Jones’ plutonium powered space phone and the Esteemed Brainy One managed to stream it for my group of survivors last night.  It really lifted our spirits, because as you may have heard, we’re currently riding out the zompoc in Price Town, one of the last three stores still open at the nearly abandoned East Randomtown Mall.

HOW BIG WAS THIS MOVIE?

A “friend” of mine sent me an e-mail to let me know that this movie was so big that he’d never seen a line so long at the theater he usually goes to before.  The poor chump ended up stuck in that damn front row spot.  You know, the one where you have to keep your neck craned skywards for two hours and you have to look to the left when a character on the left is talking and a character on the right is talking.

What a jackass.  Guy probably should have taken into account how popular the movie would be and gotten there earlier.

Either that or he could have skipped the popcorn and soda.  God knows that fatty doesn’t need it.

Oh sorry, I shouldn’t speak ill of my friend on my blog.  Good thing only 3.5 people read this.

THE PLOT

A storm causes a team of astronauts to abandon their mission on Mars.  One of their teammates, Mark Watney, is impaled, presumed dead, and abandoned.

Whoops!  He’s still alive, but the the Red Planet is so far away that NASA won’t be able to get help to him any soon.

THE SCIENCE

One of the biggest challenges for a writer is to a) explain to the reader how a character is going to extricate himself from a sticky situation with enough detail so as to not leave the reader feeling cheated and yet b) not go overboard to the point where the reader feels like dozing off.

Enter Andy Weir.  The Martian is based off of Weir’s novel of the same name.

A computer programmer, Weir made all sorts of calculations, estimates, and scientific conclusions on how, in theory, an astronaut trapped on Mars could live long enough to find a way back home.

“I’m going to have to science the shit out of this,”  Damon, as Watney, says.

And science the shit out of it, he does.  Literally.  He uses his own shit as fertilizer for potato plants.  Potatoes then become Mark’s only form of sustenance and I’m willing to bet he reached a point where he never wanted to see another french fry ever again.

Aside from the potato plants, I don’t want to go into too much detail on the science angle.  A)  To do so would be to provide you with too many SPOILERS and b) some of it my brain was too feeble to understand and other parts I did understand but am not sure I could explain it correctly.

Suffice to say, there’s a lot of brainy people involved.  NASA scientists on the ground work on a rescue plan while Watney on Mars works on his own survival.

For any kid out there interested in science, this film provides role models to look up to, not just in the form of the astronauts, but the people – technicians, engineers, specialists, scientists, etc. working to bring their colleague home.

Science, kids.  It’s the way of the future.

WHAT DOES THIS MOVIE MEAN FOR SELF-PUBLISHING?

The Martian started out as a free serial on Andy’s blog.  He as just a guy who really loved math, science, and space.  So he took his passions and funneled them into a project to entertain his blog readers.  (I bet he had more than 3.5 of them.)

As he explained in an interview with Johnny, Sean and Dave of the Self-Publishing Podcast, he put the novel on Amazon at the request of some of his readers who preferred an e-reader format over reading it on a blog.  Not out to make any money and not thinking it would go anywhere, Weir put his novel on Amazon, priced it at 99-cents, and let his blog readers know it was available.

The novel took off and the rest was history.

By the way, I recommend listening to Andy’s SPP interview as it is an inspiration to anyone interested in self-publishing.  Success doesn’t happen overnight and it certainly didn’t for Andy.  He started blogging way back in 1999.  A sixteen year journey to the big screen!

Keep plugging away, 3.5 readers/writers.  Success might seem so far away as to be pointless, but then again, you’re already ahead of those who gave up.

I’ve sought out opinions as to what this movie means for self-publishers.  Andy’s novel was originally self-published before he was approached by a literary agent and sold it to a big publisher.

Does this mean the general public will look at self-publishers in a whole new light?  That if one man was able to take a project on his blog and turn it into a blockbuster film starring Matt Damon and other stars, might that not cause people to pay more attention to self-published works?

One person I spoke with answered no.  His reasoning was the majority of the movie going public doesn’t really care who wrote a book or how the book was made.  They just want to be entertained and thus this won’t do a lot to bring attention to self-publishing.

Technically, I think he’s right, but therein lies the rub.

As self-publishers, our WHOLE GOAL is to provide a piece of entertainment crafted so well that no one notices it wasn’t made by a team of big shots.

Because at the end of the day, when you turn on the TV, do you pay that much attention if a show is on NBC, CBS, or Showtime or do you just pick and watch shows because they grab your attention?

Have you ever said, “Well, I’ll never watch THAT film because it was made by Fox and Goddamn it, this is a Sony household!”

Have you ever walked into a bookstore, strolled over to the clerk, and said, “Excuse me, will you point me to the Random House books because I’m ONLY a Random House reader and I’ll never allow a Penguin book to sully my eyes!”

No.  No one cares who was behind a piece of entertainment so long as it is entertaining.

And that, my 3.5 readers, is what I believe this movie does for self-publishers.

It gives their collective souls a boost.  Andy Weir becomes another Hugh Howey to look up to.  “If that guy did it, then I can do it too!”

After all, when Andy got his start, his readers weren’t saying, “Ugh!  This book was not put out by a traditional publishing house?  No thank you!”

They were saying, “An astronaut who gets trapped on Mars and has to figure out how to survive?!  That sounds so cool!  Sign me up!”

When you’re in the clothing store, do you check the label on that shirt that caught your eye?  Nope.  You’ll just buy it because you like it.

Write cool stories, 3.5 readers and if they’re entertaining enough, people won’t bother to check the label.

Thanks 3.5.  I have to go fight the zombie apocalypse now.

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#31ZombieAuthors – The Week in Review with Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

Meanwhile at the East Randomtown Chuckle Barn…shutterstock_226147114 copy

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and ghouls, please remain calm!

Yes, East Randomtown has been devastated by a zombie apocalypse, but you know our motto, “the show must go on!”

So pick your hands up off the floor and clap them together for Schecky Biggsfield….wait.  What?  He’s a zombie now?  Oh great.  OK put whatever body parts you have left together for SCHECKY BLARGFELD, ZOMBIE COMEDIAN!

SCHECKY:

Oh stop!  Please, you’re too kind.  Cut it out!  No really, you in the front row, cut out that patch of gangrenous skin out before you keel over and become a zombie like yours truly.

Actually, being a zombie isn’t that bad.  Half the women run from me in terror.  The other half just give up and let me bite them. Come to think of it, Saturday nights aren’t much different for me as a zombie than they were when I was a human.

Take my wife…PLEASE!!  Ha ha but really, she’s turning into a hideous beast (more so than when she was alive even)…someone take her outta here before she eats my entire audience, all 3.5 of them!  Hey-yo!

So I’ve got good news and bad news.  The bad news is that this whole town has been overrun by dirty, smelly zombies.  The good news is that the zombies will never attack Washington, D.C.  We tried that once, but we couldn’t find anyone with a brain, so we all starved!  Whoa!

I just want to say it’s great being here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  3.5 readers?  I’ve seen dishwasher user’s manuals get more reads than this joint!

So we had quite a week, didn’t we?

THREE COMPLETED INTERVIEWS!

DAY 1 INTERVIEW – SARAH LYONS FLEMING

sarah lyons fleming

You know, time was when a zombie could walk up on a gal and have himself a nice lunch but now thanks to the whole “Walking Dead” zombie pop culture craze, everyone and their Uncle Bob is fully prepared for a zombie attack.  Now if you’re a zombie and you try to eat someone, your intended victim is likely to reach into a bag and pull out everything from a ninja sword to a cuisinart.

Want to learn how to pack the perfect bugout bag?  The Until the End of the World series author will teach you how.  “Until the end of the world?”  I can’t wait until the end of my set!  Not that I’m trying to disparage the good name of the East Randomtown Chuckle Barn, but I’ve been in bomb shelters with more ambiance.  Yowza!

What’s this?  Someone just handed me a note.  Yeesh, the hand’s still attached.

“Do not go running around packing a bug out bag full of dangerous accouterments like some kind of dummy.  The Bookshelf Battle Blog is not responsible if you hurt yourself or someone else with your bug out bag.  This is fiction and we’re just joking around here.  Sincerely, Attorney Donnelly, BQB’s Lead Counsel.”

Wow.  Lawyers.  Yet, I’m the bottom feeder!

DAY 2 INTERVIEW- JAIME JOHNESEE

IMG_20150320_185310 copy

 Not all zombies are bad.  In fact, most zombies just want your brains because they lost theirs and that’s why they’re so dumb now.  I always attach one of those little keychains that beep when you clap your hands to my brain.  Otherwise, I’d lose it all the time.  Bob the Zombie is an ok guy in my book, though he shares Bookshelf Q. Battler’s love of Taco Bell, which is a surefire way to start an apocalypse…in your toilet!

 DAY 3 INTERVIEW – STEVIE KOPAS

stevie k

“The End of the World is Not Glamorous.”  It sure isn’t.  I just had to staple my pinky finger back on.  Can’t wait to find out which body part is going to fall off next.  My body parts are dropping faster than network television’s ratings.  Nope, nothing glamorous about the zombie apocalypse at all.

Be sure to check out The Breadwinner Trilogy.  By the way, I hear Stevie’s beverage of choice is Zombie Killer beer.  Personally, I prefer a White Russian.  In fact…excuse me…I’ve got a little bit of Ivan still stuck in my teeth.  Zing!

WHO’S NEXT?

TODAY – ANN CHRISTY  will be taking BQB’s space phone call.  She’ll give us the 411 on her Between Life and Death series, which is about an angry female that likes to smash the undead with a hammer.  Kind of reminds me of my wife.  Also, I hear there will be some talk of were gophers.  Miserable little jerk faces.  You really need to keep an eye on them.  Here, take one of mine.  It pops right out.

TOMORROW -Oct. 5 – PERRIN BRIAR

perrin briar

Perrin is going to tell BQB about his creepy tales, including Z-Minus, a series about a father who races against time to save his daughter.  Perrin’s also the author of SwissFamilyRobinZOM, a classic book that was turned into a Disney movie.  I wonder if we can get Perrin to zombify all the Disney films.  Zombie Aladdin.  Zombie Lion King.  Zombie Frozen.  “Let it go, let it go, please let your brains go!”  Ha, I’m hilarious!

TUESDAY – Oct. 6 – S.G. LEE 51FYROgGgoL._UX250_

Mr. Lee will dip into his Journal of the Undead to see what tricks he can offer BQB to keep him out of trouble.  Also, S.G. is a diehard Phillies fanatic (as in a fan, not the mascot pronounced “Phanatic”) whereas BQB is a loyal supporter of the East Randomtown Mascots, so things are bound to get heated when the conversation turns to sports.  Steeee-rike!

WEDNESDAY – Oct. 7 – Gillian Zane

gzSpeaking of sports, when it comes to the ladies, BQB has absolutely no game whatsoever.  LeBron James he is not.  Don’t worry, the NOLA Zombie author will give our nerdy amigo some lessons on how to be an alpha male, just like the macho men in her books.  I’ll give Gillian an A for effort but I wouldn’t expect any miracles here.  BQB isn’t an alpha male, or a beta male…he’s pretty much a zeta male, and that’s being generous.

THURSDAY – Oct. 8 – Joseph “Zombie” Zuko

Joseph

Joseph “Zombie” Zuko – he’s like Van Helsing, but for zombies.

Oh my God.  NOT ZOMBIE ZUKO!  ZOMBIES, RUN FOR YOUR UNDEAD LIVES!!!

Seriously, I’m gonna get while the getting is good when this world class zombie fighter comes around.  A renowned zombiologist, Zombie Zuko is going to turn BQB into a world class zombie fighting champ.

Look, Zombie Zuko, it’s cool.  I’m just a harmless zombie comedian.  I don’t want any trouble.

FRIDAY – Oct. 9 – Devan Sagliani

devanauthorphoto copy

The HVZHumans vs. Zombies screenwriter will talk about his Zombie Attack! series as well as how he brought the City of Angeles to life (so to speak) in LA Undead.

SATURDAY – Oct 10 – Armand Rosamillia

armand

OK.  Now I can’t decide who I’m scared of more.  Zombie Zuko or Armand Rosamillia.  Crap, if they were to ever team up, you’d probably never see a zombie ever again.  Worldwide zombie extinction.  Armand will give BQB the scoop on his Dying Days series and I’ll steer clear of this guy lest my days be numbered.

Want more information on these fabulous zombie scribes?  CLICK HERE

Check out their books.  Tell your friends about them on social media.  Honestly, stop popping photos of your lunch on Facebook.  Put up a link to a zombie author instead.  Much more interesting than your chicken salad sandwich.  You don’t see zombies posting pictures of brains before we eat them do you?  No.  We’re too classy.

And while you’re at it, if you like their books (and I’m sure you will because BQB is known for spotting talent at 50 paces), leave them a review on whatever site you bought them from!  There’s nothing you can do to thank these zombie authors for helping to save BQB’s useless carcass more than leaving them an awesome review to make them feel appreciated for all the hard work they do in bringing zombie stories straight to your e-reader.

OK 3.5 readers, I see I’m about to get the hook.  That’s not a pun either.  There’s a survivalist chasing me with a hook.  I’d say you’ve been a great audience but I’ve seen livelier statues in a museum.

See you next Sunday!

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 3 Interview – Stevie Kopas – The End of The World is Not Glamorous

“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do I drink Zombie Killer.”

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Today’s guest is Stevie Kopas, author of The Breadwinner Trilogy. Billed with the tagline, “The End of the World is Not Glamorous,” this series portrays the struggles of various people as they fight to survive a zombifying virus that has struck the Florida panhandle.

Take ordinary folks like a criminal defense attorney, a high school track star, and a police officer and put them in a setting where they’re surrounded by murderous zombies and who knows what could happen?

When she isn’t busy fighting zombies, Stevie is the Managing Editor of the Horror Metal Sounds website, which you should totally check out if you’re into monsters, metal, rockers, or any combination of the three.  She writes for the site as well.

On top of that, she reviews books for The Bookie Monster.

Stevie’s has also written stories for the At Hell’s Gates anthologies.  Featuring work by the best zompoc authors around, profits from these collections benefit the Intrepid Fallen Heroes fund.

So you know, you could buy it and help heroes at the same time.

Thanks for taking my space phone call, Stevie.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=StevieBreadwinner_Official_Cover(2)small

 Q.   “The End of the World is Not Glamorous.”  People often forget that, don’t they? There are so many post-apocalyptic movies and books in which the world has come to an end.  While it can be fun to fantasize about a make-believe world, I’m not sure people always appreciate the one we have right now. 

Can you give my 3.5 readers a glimpse of some of the things that happen in your series that show just how unglamorous the end of the world would be?

A.  I think that’s why I chose that tagline for my series, because the way I’d imagine the end of the world, it would not be a place I’d like to live, no matter how it might “seem.”  

In my book, the characters face a lot of loss and the world comes crashing down pretty quickly. You start off in the swing of things, when the virus is first spreading, and not long after that the characters are having to battle the undead at every turn. As the story progresses in books two and three, things only get worse, and it’s not just the zombies that my characters have to deal with either. They have to deal with each other.

Q.   Stressful situations can make people act in ways they wouldn’t normally.  Case in point, my usually helpful alien buddy is being kind of a jerk and my best friend from high school, who usually would never hurt a fly, is war painting his face and making zombie ear necklaces. 

Does the zombie apocalypse in your stories force your characters to do things that would be out of order in regular, polite society?

A.  Absolutely. It’s in the synopsis of The Breadwinner, “who you were does not determine who you will become.” These people are forced to do things they’d normally never do, and some of them just completely lose their minds. It’s a zombie jungle out there and nobody was prepared for the end of the world.

Q.   Sometimes I think half the reason why everyone loves a good zombie apocalypse tale isn’t necessarily about the zombies themselves but the strategy of it all.  How would a person survive if supplies were limited and no one could be trusted?

A.   I think the lesson my characters learn is that you can’t hide away and expect things to go back to normal. Even if it seems like people can’t be trusted, sometimes you have to set aside your differences and stick together.  That’s the only way you’ll be able to come out on the other side of things alive.

Q.   Would it be too much of a spoiler to ask why your series is called, “The Breadwinner?”  If not, please educate the 3.5.

A.   Well, without giving away spoilers, when you first read book one, it’s quite obvious that ‘The Breadwinner’ is Samson. But if you look a little closer, you’ll come to find out that ‘the breadwinner’ is actually a combination of the characters together. They were all the staple of their groups at one point, and they just don’t work as well by themselves anymore now that the world has ended. It’s all about family, whether it’s your real family or not, nobody wants to be alone, especially not when the zombies show up.

Q.   What motivated you to take the stories in your head and put them into a book format that can be enjoyed by everyone?

A.   I had the concept and the characters of Samson, Veronica, Moira, and Isaac for a long time. I wrote a short story and it was completely different. There were basically no good guys and it was an ‘everybody for themselves’ scenario. Once the story was fleshed out, I decided that there needed to be a nice balance, so I changed things up, and just kept writing and writing until it was done. I couldn’t stop though, so I wrote two more books.

Q.   Thanks for your help.  Before I go, do you have any other advice for my friends and I as we brave our way through the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.  Step 1: Get to the water.

Step 2: Find a boat.

Step 3: Keep heading west.

(That’s a little inside joke for people who have read the books. But hey, it can probably be applied to most escape and survival plans!)

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  You might be onto something.  The town next to mine is West Randomtown!  And it’s currently the safest spot around.  I’d better try to get there.

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#31Zombie Authors – Day 2 Interview – Jaime Johnesee – What If There’s a Good Zombie?

IMG_20150320_185310 copy

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Today’s guest is Jaime Johnesee, author of the Bob the Zombie series. Twenty-five year old slacker Bob dies in a comical way. When his mother can’t stand to see him gone, she hires a necromancer to bring him back to life and alas, Bob has to adjust to a new existence as an undead being.

Along the way, Bob is thrust into all kinds of funny scenarios, from taking on the dating world to becoming a spy.

Jaime, welcome. Thanks for taking my space phone call.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; Italics=Jaime

misadventures of Bob Amazon Size copyQ.  A dispute has arisen amongst my group of survivors. My friend, Bernie Plotz, says all zombies are vicious monsters and we should waste every one of them that we come across. My girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter, maintains that they all can’t be that bad. There might be a few zombies who are bumbling, confused and not really out to hurt anyone, thus we should leave them alone. I find myself agreeing with her, because after reading Bob the Zombie, I’ve come to the conclusion that some zombies might actually be ok guys.

What motivated you to write a book about a good zombie?

A.  I am a huge zompoc fan and one day I thought about how rough it would be for a zombie that was nothing like the current stereotypes to make it in our society and so Bob was born.

Q. As an Average Joe I find myself sympathizing with Bob. Most people, upon gaining zombie powers, would probably fumble around for awhile until they get the hang of it. Do you find that readers relate to Bob’s antics?

A. I do. Bob is sort of the everyman, well, everyzombie. He likes classic rock, movies, books and is just trying to get through each day without any problems. Poor fellow is sort of a magnet for bad luck, but he keeps a good sense of humor about it.

Q. The words “comedy” and “zombie” do not seem like they’d mix well together, yet you’ve managed to do just that. How do you bring these two very different genres together so well?

A. I humanized Bob. In his world zombies aren’t mindless beasts craving flesh, they’re just people who had their souls stuck back into their rotting corpses via magic. He’s not a bad guy, he’s sort of a victim.

Q. Surely, Bob still needs to survive despite his good nature. If not the brains of innocent victims, then what does he eat?

A. Bob is a big fan of Taco Bell. Though he does have some friends in the Coroner’s office that occasionally supply him with leftovers. He also eats calves brains to get by.

Q. It’s not all comedy in the Jaime Johnesee world though. Can you fill my 3.5 readers in on some of your other works? You know, the ones that feature characters who, unlike Bob, I should totally shoot if I see them?

A. I used to like to write about the scariest monsters in the world, humans. Serial killers in particular. These days I prefer my monsters to be a little less real. In Bob’s world there are all kinds of evil beings he has to contend with. In the series Revelations that I am coauthoring for Devil Dog Press with Christine Sutton and Lisa Lane, my character is a demon, the First Knight of Hell no less. That said, she’s not completely evil, though she does track down and destroy those who are with the help of a succubus and a shapeshifter.

Q. Thanks for your help. You’ve convinced me. If I see a zombie like Bob out there, I won’t take a shot at him. Before I go, do you have any other advice on how to survive the East Randomtown Apocalypse?
A. Thanks for having me by to chat. The best advice I can give is to make sure you beware the people. They are often more deadly than the zombies.

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 1 Interview – Sarah Lyons Fleming – Packing the Perfect Bug-Out Bag

sarah lyons fleming

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Kicking off this zombie author interview series in style is Sarah Lyons Fleming, the writer behind the Until the End of the World series, billed as “a story of survival, humor and true love.  And zombies.”

Reading Order:

1 – Until the End of the World

2 – And After 

3 – All the Stars in the Sky

She’s also the author of the novella So Long Lollipops, but recommends you read Book One first before delving into it, unless you’re a sucker for spoilers.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB, Italics=Sarah

Q.  Hello Sarah.  BQB here.  I’ve called you because my friends and I find ourselves in quite a predicament.  We’re locked up tight in Price Town, a Wal-Mart-esque store with everything you could ever possibly want under one roof. The security gate is holding for now, but zombies continue to fling themselves at it in an effort to break in and feast on our sweet, sweet gray matter.  I doubt we’ll be able to stay here forever. My colleague, Alien Jones, has suggested we all pack a bag full of supplies in case we need to make a run for it.

On your Amazon Author page, you note that you have “an unhealthy obsession with bug-out bag equipment.”  So please enlighten us, what is in the perfect bug out bag?

A.  You are in quite a predicament, BQB, but you might just be in the best place. The perfect BOB (bug-out bag, not to be confused with “BQB”) should have everything you need for a situation where you have to leave your digs. Of course, your situation is zombies, so you’re going to need weapons, and fast. Let’s do that first.

Tools/Weapons:

Thankfully, Price Town has a camping/hunting section. Find a good knife, preferably full tang—one in which the metal of the blade continues to the end of the handle. Guns and ammo (your choice). A machete could work.

Thank God! Price Town has a two machetes for the price of one deal!

Thank God! Price Town has a two machetes for the price of one deal!

You might as well throw a few more quiet weapons in there, because guns will only call zombies your way.

Good screwdrivers: great for an eye socket and screwing things.

Maybe a hammer: Plus, you never know when you’ll have to board up a few windows.

Axe: firewood and skull-cracking, it doesn’t get any better than this.

You should have some tools anyway, or a good multi-tool, so these are dual purpose.     

Never a flame thrower—Moving zombie torches? No thanks!—although I think Price Town stopped carrying those after that one incident, as I’m sure you remember.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  I do.  It was all over Network News One.  A sad day for the flame-throwing industry.  Back to you, Sarah.

But will it hold my action figures?

But will it hold my action figures?

You’ll need a large backpack. Remember, weight is going to be a big factor. Only put in the things you think you’ll need, and only get a bag as big as you can carry for long distances (and run from zombies while wearing). Use that waist belt to keep the load stable and take the strain off your shoulders. Cool looking? No, but you’ll thank me for it.

Now, what else do you need? Water, food and shelter, right?

Grab some bottles of water, along with a way to filter more. Water is heavy, and if you know you can reach a natural source of water and make it safe to drink, all that weight won’t slow you down. I have a UV filter, a hiking filter and a Lifestraw. They’re not all in my BOB, but, obviously and possibly frighteningly, I really like water filters.

Food: Try to go light on this—cans are great, but they’re heavy, so look for things that come in packets or things such as nuts and dried fruits and protein bars. MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) are a wonderful invention. Not having to cook is always a plus. You can get a backpacking stove if you insist on warming things up. And, let’s face it, a hot cup of coffee or tea may just give you the sanity you need to survive another day. But there’s always a campfire for that.

A light cooking pot and metal utensils so you can cook and eat that food. Don’t forget you’ll have to clean out the pot, so you might want a sponge.

Clothes: Shelter your body first. What’s the weather like? Pack for it. Stay dry. Ponchos/rain gear may not be the height of fashion, but they keep off rain and zombie guts. Extra socks and underwear (because when being chased by the undead, there are bound to be a few accidents). Also, GLOVES. Make them leather—good for the cold and rough handiwork, as well as keeping those zombie teeth off your skin.

BQB's stain resistant teflon underpants, designed by Dr. Hugo himself. Resistant to all zombie related accidents!

BQB’s stain resistant teflon underpants, designed by Dr. Hugo himself. Resistant to all zombie related accidents!

Shelter: A tent? Maybe, and only if it’s very light. A tarp? That works, too. Don’t forget rope to string it up—actually, just don’t forget rope in general. It’s a useful item. Emergency blankets will help to keep you warm, and they weigh next to nothing. Wool blankets would be better, and insulate even when wet. A light sleeping bag is awesome. Garbage bags can be stuffed with leaves to make a sleeping pad and get you off the wet/cold ground. Be creative if you don’t have room for the fancy stuff like a tent.

Heat: Don’t skimp on this. How much does a lighter weigh? Yeah, next to nothing. How about matches? Put them all in a waterproof container and hunt down a flint fire starter. You should have three ways to make fire. You can make your own tinder but, hey, you’re in Price Town. Get some of that emergency tinder. Or a tube of Vaseline and a bag of cotton balls—works like a dream once you’ve soaked the cotton balls with the petroleum jelly.

First Aid: We all know there’s no coming back from a zombie bite, but other situations might arise where you’ll need to play doctor. Throw in some pain-killers, digestion-related meds, and any medicines you take regularly. If you can scavenge them, get some antibiotics. Yeah, you’ll need Band-Aids, bandages and ointments, but you could also need blood clotting agents, gauze, moleskin, tourniquet and a suture kit. These things can be expensive, but, right now in Price Town, they’re free. Go for it!

Hygiene: I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but showers may be a thing of the past. Get wet wipes and antibacterial wipes. All purpose camp soap. A small towel and washcloth. And you’re gonna need some toilet paper. Maybe a trowel to bury your, um, leavings. A small mirror can help you to make sure you look your best and be used for signaling. On second thought, don’t look in the mirror. You’re a mess.

Lighting: Flashlights, headlamps. Spare batteries (or get a hand crank light). You can’t see in the dark, and you’ll need to see what’s coming. In my BOB, I have several ways to light up my world, and so should you. I also have a solar charger with which to charge batteries/phones. It’s handy and pretty awesome, but it doesn’t need to be at the top of your list.

Other things: You’ll want a map of the area. Paper and a pencil to leave a note when/if the gang gets separated, or you’re suddenly inspired to write a poem. A compass and whistle. I have a small monocular as well.

It might do you no good in the zompoc, but a BOB should have some cash in it, preferably in small bills.

Two-way radios would be great. You want to be able to talk across long distances without screaming—unless you want to end up as dinner. Also, you might want a regular or shortwave radio. You’ll want to hear where to go when the government opens those Safe Zones, or know how to avoid them when they’re overrun by zombies. Because they will be.

Happy packing!

Q.  How did you come about this unhealthy obsession anyway?  What’s up with being a “wanna be prepper?”  Are we all doomed or is it a better safe than sorry thing?

A.  We’re all doomed, BQB. Every last one of us.

Nah, I really like camping supplies and survival stuff. And I like to be prepared—or at least semi-prepared—because I get edgy when I’m not. I call myself a “wannabe” because I don’t have a bunker or five years’ worth of food, but I do what I can. It’s easy enough to buy an extra box or can of something at the store and stick it in your pantry, right? You’d be surprised how quickly that adds up.

Q.  While everyone’s packing, let’s talk about your books.  How did you get into the writing game?

A.  I wanted to read a post-apocalyptic book with regular characters who were like me (slightly goofy, pretty snarky and definitely not military experts), so one day I decided to write it. Some of the characters have a leg up in that they have access to supplies, but they’re regular folks who face very irregular events.

As the story grew, I became so invested in the world and characters that it turned into a series. I’d never written fiction before, and now I can’t imagine NOT writing. It’s my happy place, even with the zombies.

41vqvdKyrfL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_Q.  Your tale begins with Cassie Forrest who, according to Until the End of the World’s description, “isn’t surprised to learn that the day she’s decided to get her life together is also the day the world ends.”  Isn’t that always the way?  Irony, I tell you.  I often find myself lamenting that if something good happens to me, something bad must be lurking just around the corner to equal things out.  Why is that?  Are we all just saddled with bad timing?

A.  Stop being a pessimist, BQB! You won’t survive the zombies with that outlook. Even with all the hardship and loss, I think you’ll find it will all work out in the end, even when it doesn’t seem possible, even when people you love die. There isn’t always something bad lurking around the corner. Although there probably is a zombie, so look out!

Q.  Cassie’s obviously made some bad choices, chief among them dumping her fiancee Adrian and dating a jerk instead.  To make matters worse, she has to escape a zombifying virus outbreak with said jerky ex-boyfriend in tow.  To her credit, she longs to fix her mistakes.  Do you think readers identify with a protagonist who isn’t perfect?  I know I’ve made a few doozies I’d like to sweep under the rug, so I can relate to someone who longs to take back a bad choice or two.

A.  For sure. I can definitely relate to that. No one is perfect, as we all know, but I think most of us respect someone who learns from their mistakes and strives to be the person they want to be. Plus, perfect people—or people who think they are—are annoying. They make good zombie bait, though, so you might want to have one stashed away.

Q.  You’re into humor.  I try to be.  I heard a rumor this blog made one person in Ohio laugh once, but to date it’s unconfirmed.  Where does your sense of humor come from and how are you able to weave laughs into a story about people trying to avoid being eaten by vicious beasts?

A.  Ha! You’ve made me laugh, so now you’re up to two people. My humor? I suppose it came from my family—no one is safe from teasing, and to make fun of yourself is comedy gold.

I think that you need to laugh, even in the zombie apocalypse. If you can’t find anything to laugh about, you might as well lie down in front of the zombies and call it a day. I’m the kind of person who thinks of jokes at completely inappropriate times, so it comes easy for me. Of course, there are plenty of parts that don’t call for humor, but you have to laugh at some point. When I reach that point, I take it.

Q.  On your blog, “Whatnot,” you talk about all the research you did for All the Stars in the Sky.  At least one or two of my 3.5 readers are aspiring writers.  Do you have any tips on tracking down the information required to bring a sense of realism to their tales?

A.  I can’t imagine doing all the research I’ve done without the internet. I’d have to live at the library. Google Maps Street View is my best friend, as are a multitude of random websites. But I also pester unsuspecting people with emails and phone calls. I’ve gotten some good tips that way. I wanted to see the inside of a grocery distribution center for my third book, so I found one by me and contacted the company. And what do you know? I got a tour of the inside by an amused manager who liked zombies. You never know until you ask!

Q.  Thanks for taking the time to speak with me.  Before I go, do you have any last minute advice to help me brave the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A. Head shots. Always.

Also, don’t forget to laugh, and never forget you need to surround yourself with good people. You don’t want to laugh by yourself—that just looks crazy. So you’ll need them, both for companionship and to watch your six.

Thanks for calling, BQB. Good luck!

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BQB’S Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 1 (Part 5)

Alien Jones' space phone.  Perfect for calling authors of zombie fiction.

Alien Jones’ space phone. Perfect for calling authors of zombie fiction.

My little green friend was stretched out on a table in the employee’s break room of Price Town.  His hat and glasses had fallenoff in the chaos, leaving his face on full display.

“He gave his life for us,”  VGRF said.

I sniffed and teared up.

“I…I can’t believe he’s gone.”

“I can’t believe your kid was so ugly,”  Bernie said.  “No offense dude but you might be better off.”

“He wasn’t my kid,”  I said.  “He was Alien Jones, the wisest, most intelligent diplomat, space explorer, and warrior the universe has ever known.”

“What?”  Bernie asked.  “You’re saying that alien who writes on your blog is real?!  I thought that was just you pretending!  I thought you pretended to be all the characters.”

“No comment,” I said.

Alien Jones shot his head up into the air and let out a loud gasp.  It scared the crap out of all of us.

“Sweet Zanacostia’s Upper Filter!!!”

Alien Jones was always saying phrases that sounded like they might have been outer space forms of swearing.

“AJ!” I said as I hugged my little friend.  “You’re alive!”

“But I checked your neck,”  VGRF said.  “You didn’t have a pulse.”

“You don’t even want to know where I keep my pulse.”

Together, we walked out into the store.  It was fully stocked.  From hardware to groceries, it had everything we needed to survive.

Everyone was gone.  I assumed all the employees and customers hightailed it when they heard everyone becoming zombie lunch.

“Guess we picked a good spot to ride out the zombie apocalypse,”  Bernie said.

“Ignorant human,”  Alien Jones said as he pointed at the zombies pounding on the security gate.  “The structural integrity of that barrier will not last forever.”

“So you can just do that bubble thing again,”  Bernie said.

“It saps me of all my energy,”  Alien Jones said.  “I will not have the power to make another one for a full twenty four hours, and only then, it will last for about five minutes.”

“We’re screwed,”  Bernie said.

An eternal optimist, VGRF tended to look on the bright side.

“At least we have each other.”

“AJ,”  I said.  “Can’t you just call the Mighty Potentate and ask him to send some shock troops to cook these fools?”

“No,”  Alien Jones replied.  “For the time being, the Mighty Potentate is following Intergalactic Space Law, which mandates that no advanced world get involved in the affairs of primitives such as yourselves.”

“Right,”  VGRF said.  “The Prime Dir…”

“Intergalactic Space Law!”  I interrupted.  “Come on, VGRF, the last thing I need is to have Shatner shove a lawsuit up my ass.”

“The MP is bending the law enough already just by having me aid BQB with his insipid bloggery,”  Alien Jones said.  “He gets away with it because BQB only has 3.5 readers and aside from VGRF, the other 2.5 do not believe I am real.  He won’t take the chance of landing battle units.”

Alien Jones pulled out his phone.  It was silver, had a screen that displayed holographic images, and looked incredibly expensive.

“What are you doing?”  I asked.

“Consulting news reports.  It seems that the zombie infestation has spread all throughout East Randomtown in a matter of moments.

“Is West Randomtown safe?”  VGRF asked.

I knew she was worried about her family.

“It appears the surrounding communities were evacuated in time.  Military units are descending on the area to cut East Randomtown off from the rest of the world.”

“Alien Jones,”  I said.  “Can I borrow that for a minute?”

“Be careful,”  AJ said.  “It’s official Mighty Potentate property.”

I love technology so I relished the chance to look over a phone constructed by aliens.

“What is this?”  I asked.

“A Kondoferian Class Sub 9NM1 Intergalactic Communications Unit.”

“Whoa,”  I said.  “A space phone!”

“No,  it’s a Kondoferian Class Sub…”

“We’re calling it a space phone,”  I said.  “It can call anyone anywhere in the world?”

“Anyone anywhere in the universe,”  Alien Jones replied.

“Is it fully charged?”  I asked.

“It is powered by a plutonium pod with a half-life of a thousand years.  There is no need to recharge it until the year 3015.”

“I know exactly what to do with this,”  I said.

“Call the Army and ask them to rescue us,”  VGRF said.  “Thank God!”

“Take some dope ass selfies in front of the zombies and post them all over the Internet,”  Bernie said.  “Shit, with publicity like that the Funky Hunks will be back in no time.  High five!”

I left him hanging.

“No,”  I said.  “I’m going to call…ZOMBIE AUTHORS!”

“What?”  VGRF asked, incredulously.

“As the owner of a magic bookshelf, I am beloved and revered throughout the literary world!  With AJ’s space phone, I can call the world’s foremost zombie experts, individuals with vast knowledge of the undead, and they’ll be able to advise us on how to extricate ourselves from any zombie related situation!”

“I’m pretty sure we should call the Army,”  VGRF insisted.

“Perhaps you should call your charges back at Bookshelf Battle HQ,”  Alien Jones suggested.

He was right.  It was my duty to make sure that the various literary characters who called my magic bookshelf home were ok.

I dialed my number.

“Woof?”

“Bookshelf Q. Battledog!  My noble Security Chief!  Is everyone ok?”

“Woof.  Woof woof.”

Bookshelf Q. Battledog

Bookshelf Q. Battledog

“Really?”

“Woof.”

“And the Yeti?”

“Woof.”

“Very well,”  I said.  “Keep the entire facility on lockdown.  No one is to enter or exit.  Be safe, noble hound.”

“Woof.”

I hanged up the phone.

“Well?”  VGRF asked.

“Battledog says the zombies have already made it to our neighborhood, but they’re no match for BQB HQ’s high fortress like walls.  The bookshelf characters are safe and ready to fight if necessary.  My nemesis, the Yeti, remains imprisoned in the basement.”

I was able to get a lot out of those “woofs.”

“We won’t be able to stay here indefinitely,”  Alien Jones said.  “Gather supplies and prepare bug-out bags should we need to leave in a hurry.”

“Yes,”  I said.  “And I know just who to call about that.”

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 1 (Part 4)

“Now then, mein reality television stars, you’ve all become famous despite a lack of qualifications, credentials, and talent, is that correct?”

“Hold on Doc, Todd and I are both master plumbers…”

“I’ll take that as a no,”  Dr. Hugo said as he passed the mic to Vinny.

“Yo, does this mall have a spray on tan kiosk or what?  We’re gettin pasty ovah hea’!”

Vinny had been walking around in nothing but a speedo for years.

Vinny had been walking around in nothing but a speedo for years.

“Strike two,”  Dr. Hugo said.

Jenna smacked a piece of gum in her mouth.

“I like to shop.”

“Undt strike three,”  Dr. Hugo said.  “Yes, the world loves its reality tv stars, so much so that people spend all of their time paying attention to these bores while men of science such as meinself are constantly ignored.  Be pretty and smile for the camera and you get rich undt famous but discover new and creative uses for teflon and the best you can get is a column on a blog with 3.5 readers.  No offense, BQB.”

“None taken.”

I was starting to think Dr. Hugo might be bitter.

“With one blast of mein new invention, these imbeciles will actually become productive members of society.”

“Just don’t blast me in the face,”  Jenna said.  “I never take a blast in the face.”

Vinny was all over that one.

“That’s not what that guy on your sex tape said!  Ohhh!”

Rimshot.

“Yo Doc,”  Vinny added.  “I was told we was gettin’ paid to show up here and play with your toy ray gun?”

“Something like that,”  Dr. Hugo replied.  “BEHOLD…THE AWESOME POWER OF THE REALITY TV STAR TRANSMOGRIFIER!”

The stars lined up and one by one, Dr. Hugo used his contraption to bathe them in a soft green light.

“How do you feel Ms. Simone?”

According to the TV Stats Bureau, there were more viewers for the episode, "Jenna Eats a Bowl of Strawberries" than there were for the moon landing.

According to the TV Stats Bureau, there were more viewers for the episode, “Jenna Eats a Bowl of Strawberries” than there were for the moon landing.

Still using her Barbie doll voice, Jenna said.  “Materialism.  ‘Tis a wanton mistress that bids you come hither and yet never fully satisfies you.  Thank you, good doctor, for showing me the folly of my ways, for I will now commit myself to the pursuit of knowledge.  From now on, my only interests will include books, PBS, NPR, Charlie Rose and….buh..”

Jenna didn’t look so good.  None of the stars did.

Flesh started dripping off the right side of Jenna’s once perfect face.

“Excuse me,”  she said.  “Yes, all I’m interested in now is knowledge and…

Her eyes turned a deep shade of yellow.

“BRAINS!!!!!”

The Streibcheks, the Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians, everyone who’d been zapped with Dr. Hugo’s invention turned into hideous undead creatures.

“Lookout!”  VGRF cried.  “Scumsucking bottomfeeders!”

“That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?”  I asked.  “I mean sure, they’re a bunch of do-nothing hacks but they’re just out for a buck like the rest of us.”

“No!  Zombies!”

“Oh right,”  I said.  “Holy Crap!”

Mayor Bramble was the slowest human on stage and alas, he was instantly ripped to shreds by the zombified reality stars.

Mayor Bramble, we hardly knew ye.

Mayor Bramble, we hardly knew ye.

“Dr. Hugo!”  I shouted.  “What have you done?”

“Woopsie!”  my mentor said.  “Looks like I accidentally turned the hydroflescent phalange a bit too far to the left.  Mein bad!”

“So what do we do now?”

Dr. Hugo reached into his lab coat, whipped out a metal stick, and unfolded it.  It was the two-jump pogo stick, the invention he used to revitalize global transportation by guaranteeing the user could get wherever he wanted to go in the world with only two jumps.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m getting zie fahrvergnügen out of here!  Good luck!”

The mad scientist jumped once and his pogo stick took him straight up into the air and out through an open skylight.

The audience dispersed, running this way and that with their arms flailing in the air.

The zombies surrounded us.

Alien Jones stretched out his hands and projected a bubble-shaped force field all around us.

“RUN!”  commanded the Esteemed Brainy One.

VGRF, Bernie and I jumped off the stage and let our feet fly.

“Keep up!”  Alien Jones said.  “One touch of the bubble’s surface and you’ll be…”

A zombified Lil’ Schnookums hurled herself at the bubble and was instantly turned into a fine mist. Donnies A and B tried and

Zombie attack!

Zombie attack!

were vaporized as well.  The others got wise and began grabbing and biting every other human they could find.

“We must get you to shelter, BQB,”  Alien Jones said.  “Your fledgling writing career is all that prevents the landing of the Mighty Potentate’s shock troops on Earthly soil.”

“I know!  I know!  Do you have to remind me every five seconds?”

Soon, the feeding frenzy doubled, tripled and even quadrupled the size of the zombie horde.

“BQB,”  Bernie said.  “Did you have a kid?  And is he like, magic and shit?”

I ignored my buddy.  We ran past one abandoned store after another, watching helplessly as East Randomtonians were ripped limb from limb.

Zombies kept hurling themselves at the bubble only to get misted.

“We must hurry,”  Alien Jones.

The bubble flickered.

“I only have enough strength to retain this field for a few minutes longer!”

“There!”  I shouted, pointing at the Price Town at the end of the hallway.  It was one of the last three stores still operational.

We ran and ran, vicious beasts hot on our heels.

As we closed in on the store, Alien Jones punched a button on his phone and the security gate began to close.

The gate drew further and further downward.  The force field flickered again, but this time it was gone.

We all slid under the gate just moments before it snapped to ground.  The hungry zombies threw themselves at the metal, trying to bust in and devour us.

“This is some low down crunk ass shit,”  Bernie said.

Alien Jones grabbed his head and passed out, his little green body hitting the floor with a thud.

“AJ?”  I asked.

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 1 (Part 2)

“Oranges!  Get your oranges here!”

Oh great.  Bernie was taking advantage of the spectacle to sell his fruit.

Bernie

Bernie “MC Plotz” Plotznick, one half of the defunct rap duo, “The Funky Hunks.”

It’s not easy getting a brief taste of fame at a young age only to spend the rest of your life in the entertainment industry’s shadow.

I managed to move on from my Funky Hunk days by becoming the owner/proprietor of a book blog with 3.5 readers.  Bernie, on the other hand, was still stuck in the past, refusing to do anything with his life because he was certain a Funky Hunk resurgence was just around the corner.

In the meantime, he eeked out a meager existence by buying oranges from the supermarket and reselling them to people who felt sorry for him.

“Full of citrusy goodness and your daily requirement of vitamin c, folks!”

“Don’t make eye contact,”  I said to VGRF.

“What?”

Too late.

“BQB!”

Bernie gave me a big hug.

“What up dawg?”

“Hey Bernie.”

“How you been, man?  I hear you’re taking the Internet by storm now?”

“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I do run a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.  How are you?”

“Me?”  Bernie asked.  “I’m hella tight, son.  Hella tight.  Been kickin’ some sick rhymes.”

“Good for you.”

“Yo, you gotta check this one out.”

“No,”  I said.  “It’s ok.  Maybe later.”

Bernie launched straight into a non-threatening Funky Hunks style rap:

Yo.  Yo yo.  2015.  Funky Hunks back on the scene.

Check it.

Homework!  It’s what you gotta do!

To gain lots of knowledge.

Make your parents happy too.

Everyone started staring at Bernie and not in a good way.

After you’re done,

Practice those ABC’s.

It’s all about killin’ the SAT’s!

“That’s great, Bern,”  I said.  “Really great.”

He kept going.

Algebra!  It seems really tough!

But it totally isn’t when you practice that stuff!”

“BERN!  I got it.”

“That’s the shit, right?  Is that the shit or is that the shit?”

“Oh, it’s shit alright.”

There was a sore spot between Bernie and I.  Back in the day, our manager thought we should rap about sex, drugs and violence like all the other rappers were doing.  I was willing to do it for the money but Bernie refused to rap about anything non-wholesome.

Sometimes I’m mad at him for costing me a ton of cash.  Other times I’m glad he saved my soul because sex, drugs and money isn’t what I’m all about.  Well, the drugs and violence parts anyway.  The sex part?  As a big time nerd, life decided that’s not what I’m about for me.

“We need to get together and lay down a track,”  Bernie said.

“I’ll get back to you on that.  I’ve been busy.”

Bernie spied VGRF.

Video Game Rack Fighter, BQB's Main Squeeze

Video Game Rack Fighter, BQB’s Better Half

“Yeah, I see you’ve been gettin’ busy.  BQB I heard you was knockin’ boots with a fine ass she-nerd honey but DAYUM!”

VGRF looked at me as if to say, “What do I do?”

“He’s attempting to compliment you,”  I said.

“Oh.  Thank you?”

“No doubt,”  Bernie said.  “Say BQB, I ‘aint tryin’ seperate you from your duckets or nothin.'”

Here it comes.

“I worry about you man.  You need your strength.  You want an orange?”

“How much?”

“Five Washingtons.”

“Are you serious?”

“MC Plotz don’t play, sucka.”

I handed over a fiver and received an orange.  God, I felt sorry for that guy.

Some boring elevator music played over the speakers and an old man wearing a tweed jacket and a bowtie trudged up onto the stage and rested on his cane.

It was Mayor Philbert T. Bramble.  He’d been the leader of East Randomtown for as long as I could remember, not due to his political prowess, but because no one else wanted the job.  He’d been running unopposed forever.

The Right Honorable Philbert T. Bramble, Mayor of East Randomtown

The Right Honorable Philbert T. Bramble, Mayor of East Randomtown

“Good afternoon, East Randomtown!”  the Mayor said.  “What a lovely audience and…”

Mayor Bramble looked directly at me.

“Is that Bookshelf Q. Battler?”

I tried to hide behind VGRF and Bernie.  Alien Jones was busy checking messages on his phone.  It was a suped up, hyper charged alien phone, much more awesome than our Earth phones.

“Friends,”  Mayor Bramble said.  “In 1985, East Randomtown resident Doug Hauser got himself a thirty-second spot as a dope pusher on Miami Vice. As I watched that young man get the tar beaten out of him by Don Johnson, I thought to myself, ‘Never again will East Randomtown experience such greatness!'”

Sigh.  It was true.  I was a virtual unknown to the rest of the world, but in my hometown, I was known as “The Man Who Ousted the Miami Vice Extra.

It was a dubious honor.

The crowd cheered.  “BQB!  BQB!  BQB!”

The Mayor continued.

“But then BQB came along and brought glory to our little burg by starting a blog that attracted the attention of not one…not two…not even three…but THREE POINT FIVE READERS!”

Throughout the crowd there were utterances of “Wow” and “Oh my God!” and so on.

“Come on up here, BQB!”

“Uh,”  I mumbled from the crowd.  “I’d really rather not.  It’s Dr. Hugo’s big day and all..”

VGRF nudged me.  “Go ahead.”

“Really?”

“Yes.  You’ve earned it.”

What a supportive girlfriend.  Most women would have demanded that I quit my bloggery by now but VGRF had always been there for me.

I headed for the stage.

“Bring your family with you!”  Mayor Bramble said.

VGRF and Alien Jones, still incognito as my “son,” tagged along.  Bernie invited himself.

As soon as I was on stage, the crowd went nuts.  A forty-something lady threw her blue denim stretch pants at me.  They smacked me right in the face.  It was awkward.

“3.5 readers,”  Mayor Bramble said.  “How do you do it, son?  What’s your secret?”

The Mayor pointed the microphone at me.

“I’m just lucky I guess.”

He put his arm around me.

“Don’t be so modest, my boy.  These stories you tell about a magic bookshelf, a space alien, and a 1950’s private detective and so on, you have quite an imagination to dream all that up.”

“Oh yeah,”  I said.  “None of that is real.”

Or is it?

“BQB, I’m so glad you came because this gives me the chance to announce a piece of important news.  Just yesterday, I signed papers ordering the East Randomtown Maintenance Department to knock down the statue of Doug Hauser in East Randomtown Park and replace it with a sculpture of your likeness!”

The crowd clapped.  One guy yelled, “Doug Hauser sucks!”

“Oh no,”  I said.  “Please don’t do that, sir.  I don’t want to step on Doug’s accomplishment.”

“Stop being so modest, my boy,” the Mayor said.  “Hauser is an old has-been.  You are this town’s future.”

Yeesh.  I felt sorry for the town then.

Attorney Donnelly notes that any reference to renowned thespian Don Johnson and/or the quality television program Miami Vice are purely fictional and for parody purposes only.  Crockett and Tubbs 4-eva.

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