Tag Archives: Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones Finale

Still haven’t processed my feelings about last night’s Game of Thrones.

Maybe tomorrow.

SPOILER ALERT

I haven’t felt this sad about a fictional character’s death since I was a kid watching Megatron wack Optimus and the Autobots stone cold gangster style.

By the way, which 1980’s sadist thought that was a good idea?

“Hey kids!  Know those characters you love?  Well, they’re all dead!  Time to ask Mom and Dad to buy more toys!”

But I digress.  Game of Thrones Finale Wrap-Up coming as soon as possible.

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Last Night’s Game of Thrones

Holy Crap.

I’m still recovering, 3.5 readers.

I’ll have to get back to you.

What did you think?

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Game of Thrones Crossed Some Lines Tonight

Hey 3.5 Readers.cropped-img_1757.jpg

I’d like to go on a rant.  Come with me, will you?

Let’s talk about tonight’s episode – Season 5, Episode 9, “The Dance of Dragons.”

I tend to be a zealous defender of free speech.  I may disagree with you but I’ll defend your right to say it.  And if you don’t like a TV show, I’ve always felt the better option is to change the channel rather than demand the show be shut down or changed to suit your opinions.

I never thought it was possible but there were some moments tonight where GOT made me think about changing the channel.

George RR Martin is a great writer.  He’s a man who doesn’t just embrace his nerdyness but rather, allows his nerd freak flag to fly freely.

While other writers try to fit their works into commercially viable packages, GRRM dared to write a fantasy series geared toward adults even though the genre is historically for younger folks.

He’s the King of the fakeout with an uncanny ability to make you look left while the right hook is coming, even when he’s done it to you, the reader, several times before.  Thus, the series is fabulous because there are real consequences.

There’s never a moment where you’re left thinking, “Well, that character’s safe because he/she is too important to the series.”  Nope.  Any character could buy the farm at any time and thus the stakes are high.

Many critics have said that HBO diverting from GRRM’s books would be a good thing, but allow me to defend my favorite sailor hat wearing writer but noting that Martin didn’t write either of tonight’s cross the line moments.

SPOILER ALERT.

It wasn’t a good night to be a kid on tonight’s episode.

First, Princess Shireen, much to my shock and dismay, was burned at the stake, a sacrifice that Lady Melisandre aka “The Red Woman” advises Stannis is necessary to appease the Lord of Light and lead Stannis’ army to victory.

I’m sorry, but when I’m looking for some Sunday night entertainment, the last thing I need to witness is a kid getting dragged to a pyre where she’s fried to a crisp.  Anyone who finds that entertaining is a big time weirdo.

Moreover, the scene just didn’t make sense.  Stannis had steadfastly denied the Red Woman’s demands for a sacrifice and up until tonight, had been Shireen’s champion, standing up for her when others called for her to be exiled when she contracted “Greyscale,” a loathsome lizard skin disease.

George RR Martin didn’t write that.  In fact, there’s already a meme going around pointing out that Martin had Stannis demanding that should he die, his army is to go on in pursuit of the Iron Throne and if successful, to name Shireen Queen of Westeros.

Secondly, we learn that the dastardly Ser Meryn Trant is a horrendous pedophile.  In a scene in a brothel, he rejects various offered ladies of the evening, demanding that a younger alternative be brought to him.

Additionally, Arya goes on a recognizance mission, spying on Trant while posing as a clam vendor.  Everyone’s clothed but a) that a kid was actually brought out to appease Trant and b) just seeing the young Arya walking around in a brothel scene….it all disgusted me.

GRRM didn’t write that either as far as I know.

I get it.  The show portrays a brutal and horrific setting where bad things happen, as they did during Earth’s own ancient times.  Portraying Trant as a piece of human garbage will make the audience cheer that much more when he inevitably bites the dust.  Meanwhile, the audience will likely rally around Ser Davos Seaworth as I’d be surprised he’d continue in Stannis’ service after what happened to Shireen.  Pitting Seaworth’s loyalty to Stannis against his loyalty to Shireen (she taught him how to read and he clearly viewed her as the daughter he never had) will make for good drama.

Even so, and again in my opinion, as a society we need to protect kids and we just don’t need scenes like these on television.

The show ended on a high note with an epic scene in which Drogon the Dragon comes to the Khaleesi’s defense, protecting his mother from an attack by the Sons of the Harpy.  Dany flies her dragon to safety, notably leaving her friends to fend for themselves but they’ll be fine.  Tyrion will kick some ass.

I don’t know.  I know this is all make-believe but the scenes with the kids just did not sit well with this reviewer at all.

EDIT:  I’m hearing talk that GRRM apparently planned the Shireen being burned scene for the next book, Winds of Winter and the show just put the scene out tonight rather than wait for the book to come out.  There’s even discussion that the show’s creators were surprised by GRRM’s decision but went with it.

Sigh.  So much for my defense of GRRM.

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Game of Thrones – Wrap-Up – Season 5, Episode 8 – Hardhome

SPOILERS!

It was an episode of firsts:

  • Cersei gets a taste of the commoner’s life
  • Arya gets her first mission
  • Khaleesi and Tyrion meet for the first time
  • Ser Jorah’s love for the Khaleesi is finally made known
  • Theon/Reek finally admits he didn’t burn his adopted brothers
  • The first white walker attack (pretty awesome, wasn’t it?)

By the way, anyone notice that Jon Snow killed a white walker without a piece of dragon glass?

Maybe because he carries the blood of the dragon?

WHAT?!  MIND=BLOWN!

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Fake Book Review – A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal Series

A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal

A Six Part Book Series

AUTHOR:  Joel LL Torrow

PUBLISHER:  Drunken Elf Publishing Concern

YEARS OF PUBLICATION: 1985-Present

Character butcher.  Fantasy master.  Hat and vest enthusiast.  Santa Clause look alike.

Prolific writer Joel LL Torrow has been called these names and more, though “Fat Pay Cable Check Casher” would be more suitable if it weren’t for the fact that he refuses to allow his fame and fortune to go to his head, opting instead to live just a notch or two above an Amish person.

He still uses DOS.  He still utilizes an ancient blogging site.  And we’re fairly certain he churns his own butter, though we’venever seen him do it.

Joel LL Torrow, Author of the Dirge of Murder and Betrayal Series

Joel LL Torrow, Author of the Dirge of Murder and Betrayal Series

Where other writers have crumpled up their pages, declared their work to be too farfetched and thrown it into the trash can, Torrow was the man who boldly declared, “I’m going to pen an elaborately complicated series of fantasy books geared toward adults even though children are typically the fantasy genre’s target audience, AND it’s going to involve over 928 main characters AND I’m going to kill them all off constantly in weird unexpected ways.”

Yup.  He said all that.  I heard him.

Modest to a fault yet always good to his fans, Torrow recently held a Q and A session with his biggest fan, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Queen Anara "Annie" Mistwake and her horse before it was transformed into a damn pegasus.

Queen Anara “Annie” Mistwake and her horse before it was transformed into a damn pegasus.

The following is the reading order of the series, along with a brief synopsis of each book:

Book 1 – A Match of Wits – All is well in the Kingdom of Wentzlendale.  The citizens prosper, the crops grow thick, and the various ruling clans get along famously.  Alas, peace is torn asunder when the dimwitted King Winkytiddles trips and falls down five hundred flights of stairs yet miraculously, manages to survive until he rolls out into a nearby pig farm and is eaten by ravenous swine, who leap on the chance for revenge against a Kingdom who has seen them as nothing but a source of bacon.

Weber and Sasha Prissypants, who respectively, hold the illustrious titles of Duke and Duchess of Shabadoo, believe their time has come.  Days before his passing, Winkytiddles drew up his last will and testament, which clearly states that the crown shall transfer to the Duke, since Winkytiddles had no heirs, as he had never married because all women found him hideous and weird and all the gold pieces in the royal treasury were not enough to compensate.

But the Cleric of Chutzington has something up his sleeve.  Tiddlywinks was, in secret, madly in love to a pillow he drew a face on, so much so that he pretended the pillow was his wife and even referred to three smaller throw pillows as their children.  The oldest, or rather, the pillow Windkytiddles had sewn first had a boy’s face drawn on it and thus, threw a series of backroom deals, the Cleric convinces the Holy Keepers of the Kingdom to declare pillows to be people, thus mandating by law that the crown passes to Prince Stuffy the First, the deceased King’s eldest pillow son.

BOOK 2 – In the Pillow King’s Name – Clan Prissypants declares this turn of events to be outrageous.  In a stirring speech, the Duke of Shabadoo declares, “It’s a f&*king pillow for f^%’s sake!”  Clans Sprankledank and Gibblegobble agree, and the three march toward Wentzenfort, the capital of Wentzlendale, prepared to sack the city and take control of the Kingdom.  They unite under a banner emblazoned with the motto that becomes the title of Book 3.

BOOK 3 – It’s a F&*KING PILLOW FOR F%*K’S SAKE! – Clans Dooradox, Schpratzenpatz and Donkenstein are all exceptionally religious, swearing undying loyalty to any proclamations made by the Holy Keepers, no matter how ridiculous, especially if they lead to a f%&king pillow being crowned King.  Their armies gather around Wentzenfort, prepared to protect the city at all costs.

BOOK 4 – A RAY OF SUN IN THE DARKNESS OF CLOUDS – Anara “Annie” Mistwake, abandoned in a gloomy forest as a child and raised by a band of drunken elves learns that she is the last member of Clan Zoovarin, the family who manufactured the pillow known as King Stuffy the First.  An interpretation of holy law suggests that the King Stuffy is therefore a descendant of the Zoovarin line and as the pillow’s elder sister, the crown is, by right, Annie’s.  The drunken elves are magical and use their powers to turn Annie’s horse into a damn pegasus.  Annie assembles a massive army of her drunken adopted elf relatives and prepares to march on Wentzenfort.

BOOK 5 – THE TOURNAMENT OF THE STAR QUARTER – The Pro and Anti King Stuffy sides agree to a momentary peace in the hopes that the question of who the crown belongs to can be solved in a tournament.  The Pro Stuffy side choose Burt Frederickson, a soldier revered for his bravery in battle.

The Anti Stuffy side selects Antagonizer Stabsmore, Legendary Stabsmith of the Stabsmore Isles, where the inhabitants are trained to be especially stabby from an early age.  Literally, all those people do is eat, drink and stab all day long.

In the tourney, Frederickson pummels Stabsmore within an inch of his life when the Duchess of Shabadoo breaks wind, thus distracting the would be champion and allowing Stabsmore to get the upper hand, which he uses to grind Frederickon’s face into a fine paste.

The Pro Stuffy side cry foul.  The Anti Stuffy side declare fair is fair.  All bets are off and the war carries on.

Book 6 – An End for Crying Out Loud Already – (coming soon this Fall) – Annie Mistwake flies over Wentzenfort, shouts, “Hey everybody!  Look over there!” and then watches as her drunken elves slaughter both sides, leaving her the throne, to the delight of her legions of loyal fans who buy Torrow’s books just to take in her adventures.

Surprisingly, Annie’s rule lasts less than five minutes.  Hungry from battle, she devours some expired cottage cheese and dies instantly.

King Stuffy the First is overthrown.  No seriously.  He is literally thrown into a trash can.  The peasants of the land abandon the monarchy form of government, install a democratic system and only proceed to elect rulers that make them yearn for King Winkytiddles.

Thanks to the magic bookshelf, a tiny version of Anara Mistwake has been known to fly around the BQB compound.  BQB has known her for years, yet she still insists on introducing herself and stating her multiple titles every time she sees him.

BQB’s attorney reminds readers this is a parody.

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Game of Thrones Wrap-Up – Season 5, Episode 7 – “The Gift”

Finally!  The Khaleesi and the Imp have met!

SPOILERS

The main point of contention of this episode comes at the end.  The High Sparrow may have bitten off more than he can chew. Cersei has been his only royal benefactor so with her in the slammer there won’t be anyone to stop Tommen from sending in the army.IMG_1757

This is a show where no character is safe and I have to admit, I hope they don’t intend to kill Cersei off.  (Don’t tell me if you know one way or the other).

She’s too important to the show.  You love to hate her.  She’s the last evil Lannister standing.  (Jamie and Tyrion being good Lannisters.)

It’s funny, Cersei’s schemes always backfire but as she walked away from Margery’s cell with a smirk, even I thought “Finally! A Cersei scheme pans out for Cersei!”

I spoke too fast.  It didn’t.

Come on, GOT peeps.  Save Cersei.

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Game of Thrones – Season 5, Episode 6 – “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” – Wrap-Up

Wow.  They really have a merchant for everything.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with another GOT wrap-up.

SPOILERS AHEAD

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  • Arya is learning how to be one of the Faceless Men.  Is it worth it?
  • Jamie and Bronn vs. the Sand Snakes
  • Ser Loras and Queen Margery in custody?  Oh no!
  • What’s Littlefinger up to?  He’s promising everything to everyone.  I can only assume he’s hoodwinking Cersei.
  • Sansa has a tough life.  She ends up being married to every jerk in Westeros.

By the way, some interesting social commentary underlying tonight’s episode:

  • LGBT Rights – Come on Westeros.
  • Black Slave Traders – I’d call them “African American” but Africa and America don’t exist in George RR Martin’s world.  Kind of ironic though.

What say you 3.5 readers?

As usual, it’s show that can take a fantasy world and make us think about our real one.

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Game of Thrones – Season 5, Episode 5 – Kill the Boy

IMG_1757SPOILERS!

  • Barristan Selmy – RIP
  • Jon Snow – Faced with tough decisions.  Is inviting the Wildlings to come south of the Wall a mistake?
  • Ramsey/Theon/Sansa – Sansa is really coming into her own and it looks like she’ll have some allies.  It is starting to look like we’re marching toward a battle royale where Stannis will march on the North and Sansa will have some friends to protect her from the Boltons if they hold her hostage.
  • The Khaleesi – She’s getting married? SAY WHAT?  And her dragons were hungry.
  • Ser Jorah and the Imp are bonding.  I thought for a second Tyrion was going to buy the farm or at least we’d have to wait till next week to find out what happened.  The loss of Selmy means Daeny needs an advisor more than ever, so that’s good for him, but alas, now he has grayscale.

What else?

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Game of Yetis – House Bookshelf – Part 8

PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF YETIS…

Read Part 7 here.

And so it came to pass that Lord BQB and Maester Monty found themselves in Riverrun.  Lord BQB had just moments ago confided in Monty his love of large warrior women.

“Yes Monty,”  Lord BQB said.  “Big, tall, handy with a broadsword, able to vanquish my enemies but still keep me warm at night.”

“Twill be a tall order to find a damsel such as that in this realm,”  Monty replied.

Suddenly, there was a rustle in the bushes.  Out stepped an incredibly tall warrior woman with her squire in tow.

“Halt!”  the woman said.  Her hair was short in blonde.  Her face?  It looked like it might have been pretty at one time but since had grown haggard from years of toiling in battle.  “Who goes there?”

Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler, having searched high and low for a humongous warrior woman, instantly fell to his knees, rapt in the throes of passion.

“He’s speechless,”  Maester Monty said.  “That’s a first.  I am a Monty, a learned Maester of Shelftopia and this is my Lord, Bookshelf Q. Battler of House Bookshelf.”

“Ummm,”  Lord BQB said.   “Ummm uhhhh….”

“Well whoever you two imbeciles are you’re of no interest to me,”  the warrior woman said.  “Out of my way!”

“Wait!”  Lord BQB said, finally managing to eek a word out.  “Who are you, you magnificent creature?”

“This is Brienne of Tarth,”  the squire replied.  “And I am her noble squire, Podrick.”

“Brienne of Tarth,”  I said.  “Sounds lovely.  I prey you, good warrior woman, please accompany us on our quest to secure my Dew of the Mountain, for it has fallen into the hands of the evil Lord Yeti of Yetifell.”

“Oh great,”   Brienne said as she looked at Podrick then at Lord BQB.  “Another useless male I have to drag around everywhere.”

Join House Bookshelf!

Join House Bookshelf!

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Game of Thrones – Season 5 – Episode 4 – “The Sons of the Harpy” – Wrap Up 5/3/15

I totally lied.

I’m road tripping it a few days (which will make the one post a day challenge interesting) and wasn’t sure I’d be able to watch Game of Thrones tonight.

But I did!

So here we go (SPOILERS – Seriously, perhaps the BIGGEST SPOILER OF THE SERIES COMING):

  • Jamie and Bronn – Great fight scene and Jamie realizes his fake hand is good for something.
  • Sand Snakes – Ellaria is going forward with a plan to go to war.
  • The Sparrows – Cersei’s done an end run around the Council, creating her own private religious army to sic on sinners who happen to piss her off.  (I’m a little surprised Ser Loras didn’t kick a few asses before being caught).  Also, we’re pretty sure she’s going to have Ser Meryn wack poor trusting Lord Tyrell on the way to the Iron Bank aren’t we?
  • Tommen – Caught between his wife and mother.  Kid’s totally whipped.
  • Selmy and Gray Worm – Quite an amazing fight scene with the Sons of the Harpy.  Is Selmy gone?
  • Jorah and the Imp – Sounds like a buddy cop show.  Tyrion’s right.  What a waste of a good kidnapping.  He was on his way to see the Khaleesi anyway.
  • Jon Snow – Dude resisted the Red Woman’s advances.  There’s a man who takes his vows seriously.  Maybe too seriously because wow…you know, the Red Woman is hot and stuff.  (By the way, he knows nothing!!!)
  • Stannis – Stannis’ speech about all he did to save his daughter when everyone else told him to give up rose his stock in my book.
  • Sansa/Littlefinger – Sansa mentions that Rhaegar kidnapped and raped her aunt, Lyanna Stark, who had been betrothed to Robert Baratheon.  Littlefinger didn’t say anything in response but had a knowing look on his face.  This was actually a big time dropped bombshell.  A)  If Rhaegar didn’t kidnap Lyanna then Robert’s rebellion was in vain and B) maybe those two had a kid…a kid that…KNOWS NOTHING!!! DUN DUN DUN!

What did I miss?  What was your favorite part?

Good old Bookshelf Q. Battler, going that extra mile for his adoring 3.5 fans!

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