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Oct 01 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – An Introduction

By:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief

“They’re coming to get you, 3.5 readers.”

Zombies.

They’re ugly.  They’re stupid.  They shout “Grr!” and “Argh!” and the only thing they ever think about is the next human they’re going to dine on.

You’d think these one trick ponies’ fifteen minutes of fame would’ve dried up by now, but forty-seven years since George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead introduced zombies into mainstream pop culture in 1968, the fan base for these vile beasts has grown stronger than ever.

TELEVISION

AMC is in full-swing, not only with The Walking Dead but an additional spinoff series, Fear the Walking Dead. Both programs follow groups of human zompoc survivors who have given up their hopes and dreams, their only focus now being how to keep themselves from becoming zombie chow.

MOVIES

You’ll find zombies at the box office, and not just the ones trying to eat your brains while you’re trying to eat your popcorn. Brad Pitt, Hollywood’s top leading man, believed zombies were bankable enough that he starred in World War Z, a screen adaptation of Max Brooks’ novel about a world overrun with vile, coldblooded fiends.

No, not lawyers.  Zombies.

Even Arnold Schwarzenegger got in on the zombie action this summer with Maggie, the story of a father who wants to save his daughter who has turned into a zombie.  No, not as in the typical “spends too much time on the phone and social media” kind of teenage zombie but a “I want to bite your face off” zombie.

VIDEO GAMES

Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead and Dead Rising put players in situations where they have to use their ingenuity and the tools around them to survive.

Personally, I think the original Dead Rising, which put players in a zombie infested mall and asked them to escape with all the products and tools in a large shopping center at their disposal was as ingenious as it was fun and scary.

BOOKS

Here’s where #31ZombieAuthors come in.

It all began as a fun idea.  I’d write a story in which I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, am trapped in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, and have to contact one author per day for help.

Seemed like a cool way to promote the blog around Halloween time.

Initially, I thought that I’d contact a few authors, they’d all tell me no, then I’d give up and move on to something else.

Instead, I was blown away by how many professional, established writers were willing to donate their time to this project.

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

  • I contacted these folks cold.  I introduced myself just as I am – Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter and Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
  • I didn’t offer my so-called “real name.”  And no one asked for it.  Not a one of them was like, “Well, I’ll do it if I know who you really are.”  I don’t know why anyone would ask me that anyway.  I really am Bookshelf Q. Battler.
  • In a way, that made me happy, that all these fine scribes were willing to trust me, a guy they don’t know, who claims to own a magic bookshelf and be the best friend of an alien.  I like to think that means I must be doing something right around here since these fine individuals deemed me worthy of their precious time.
  • I offered them nothing.  I was upfront with the fact that my blog caters to a modest audience of 3.5 readers, so it wasn’t like they could expect a surge in book sales.  They all just cared enough to want to help an aspiring writer out. Honestly, I’m probably getting more out of this than they will.  That fact alone makes them all pretty cool people.

THE MOST AMAZING PART OF ALL OF THIS?

Thirty-one (actually thirty-three as I’ll be interviewing two writing duos) came together on very short notice and helped me put together a massive undertaking within about a month.

If ever you doubt there’s a generous online community for writers, think about that.

THE AUTHORS

They all come from different backgrounds and walks of life.  Our interviewees include a cop, soldiers, full time mothers, preppers, podcasters and yes, there might even be a nerd or two.  They’re from America, England, Australia, and Canada.  All different ages.

All united by a common love of undead creatures that want to munch on your brains.

More importantly, they’ve all brought their own unique experiences, style, and voice to the zombie genre.  A cop fighting his way through a zombie apocalypse.  Soldiers on a mission when zombies suddenly attack out of nowhere.  An average, nondescript office worker suddenly faces a threat the likes of which he’s never faced before in his humdrum life.

People who become zombies via the Internet.  (Insert joke here.)  Zombie-fied literary classics that will make your snooty college English professor pop a monocle.  Zombies in the past.  Zombies in the future.  There’s even a couple of zombies who defy their nature to the point where you might not mind being pals with them.

IN SHORT….

If you love zombies, this is the place to be in October.

SO HOW DOES THIS ALL WORK?

Visit bookshelfbattle.com everyday for:

  • The latest post from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.  That’s right.  Zombies are going to attack East Randomtown and I will update you, the 3.5 readers, every step of the way as my friends and I search for safety.
  • The Zombie Author Interview of the Day – At great personal risk, I will take a break from my survival efforts once a day to “call” and interview an author of zombie fiction.  I’m not trying to make myself out as some kind of hero, 3.5 readers, but just remember what I’m putting myself through here for your entertainment when it comes Leibster Award time.  Do you think that old lady blogging about her buttermilk biscuits on the blog next door is going to fight zombies and interview zombie authors for you?  I think not.

MORE ZOMBIE MADNESS

  • Every Sunday, Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian will perform his act live from the East Randomtown Chuckle Barn. He’ll review the past week’s interviews and tell you who’s stopping by the blog in the week ahead.  This funny zombie will leave you in stitches, and that’s not a pun.
  • Zombie Trump will review the upcoming episodes of The Walking Dead.  Quote Zombie Trump, “This is going to be huuuuuge!  I’m going to bring that loser nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler the highest jump in ratings his pathetic excuse for a blog has ever seen!”

POST YOUR QUESTIONS!

Zombie lovers, do you know anyone else who’s lined up thirty-one zombie authors?  No.

So take advantage of this and:

ON TWITTER – Tweet your questions to @bookshelfbattle.

ON FACEBOOK – Ask your questions on www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

ON WATTPAD – Pose your inquiries to @bookshelfbattle and follow along as I will be posting excerpts from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal over there a few days after doing so here.  You’ll still have to come here for the author interviews though.

On Google Plus – ask your questions here.

NOTE:  As you can imagine, Halloween season is the busiest time of year for a zombie author, so I don’t want to guarantee that they’ll be able to answer your questions about zombies, but in the event they can’t, I will!

PROMOTE!

If you’re having fun, please tell your friends!  The more zombie fans the merrier.  Let’s rock this blog’s stats to the point where I have to retire the 3.5 readers joke.

AND FINALLY, THANK YOU

I couldn’t have done this without you, 3.5.  A blogger needs an audience and I couldn’t have put this together without being sure that at least 3.5 of you would show up.

Please pat yourselves on all 3.5 of your backs.

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#31ZombieAuthors starts now!

Attorney Donnelly notes that the Bookshelf Battle Blog disclaims any and all liability for anyone who is eaten by and/or turned into a zombie.  You step into a zombie apocalypse, you take your chances.

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Sep 29 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – The Lineup – October 11-20

It’s a cornucopia of zombie fiction all stars here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog in October.

Here’s who will take BQB’s space phone call Oct 11-20.

Links will take you to authors’ Amazon pages.

DAY 11 – Rachel Aukes 

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Rachel has introduced a new generation of literary nerds to a classic by zombie-fying Dante’s Inferno (as well as Alighieri’s other works) in her Deadland Saga.  Coincidentally, I end up feeling like I’m stuck in hell when I’m trapped in a small room with Blandie, my perpetually angry ex-girlfriend amidst the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.  Luckily, this USA Today bestselling author will offer me some words of wisdom.

DAY 12 – Joe McKinney

jm

The man.  The myth.  The legend.  One of the biggest names in the zombie fiction game will humble this book nerd with an interview October 12.  Joe got in on the ground floor of the mid-2000’s zombie renaissance with Dead City, the first book in his highly popular Dead World series, and has been going on stronger than a zombie who just caught a brain whiff ever since.  (Watch out, Joe, those dudes behind you look a tad peckish.)

Joe’s a longtime Texas police officer, a dad, and yet somehow amidst these important commitments, he managed to win the Horror Writer Association’s Bram Stoker Award.  Meanwhile, one time I tried to write a novel, got distracted, and ended up watching a Steven Seagal action movie marathon instead.

Needless to say, I bet Joe will be able to dispense a pep talk that will inspire me to get my act together.

DAY 13 – Michael Cairns

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This year, Michael’s a man on a mission.  The Thirteen Roses author began 2015 with a challenge to publish 15 books (including works he’s written previously.)  He’s been keeping a daily video log of his progress and will talk to yours truly about how its going.  Also, we’ll trade follicle stimulation tips.  However, note that I’m not asking for me but for a friend.

DAY 14 – Kate L. Mary 

klm

A busy mother of four and U.S. Air Force wife, Kate will tell my 3.5 readers all about her Broken World books. Her claim that she prefers “nerds over hunks” intrigues me, causing me to grill her over this claim extensively.  Here’s hoping this interview is the victory over hunks that nerds have long waited for.

DAY 15 – Peter Meredith

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As my 3.5 readers are aware, I was once so wrapped up in finding the meaning of life, that I actually went on an epic adventure to find it.  Thus, I can relate to Peter Meredith, who worked in real estate, as an emergency room nurse, and finally as a lighting company CEO before embracing his true passion, writing.  The Apocalypse Crusade author will advise us on finding the calling that brings joy to your life.

DAY 16 – Saul Tanpepper

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Zombies. Video games.  Sure, we all love hits like Resident Evil and Dead Rising, but Saul “upped his game” by combing zombies and video games in his Gameland series, in which players actually control the undead and a group of hackers get trapped in the middle of the mayhem.  Seen above in Peanuts form, Saul will also give me the 411 on how to improve my book blog.

Yeah, I know 3.5 readers, I should probably start by reviewing a book once in awhile.

DAY 17 – Jeremy Laszlo

jl

Jeremy Lazlo once attempted the traditional publishing approach, but when a publishing industry intern accidentally hit the “reply all” button and Jeremy received a snarky email in which said intern was joking about how he’d just batch rejected 600 authors, the fruitful self-publishing career of the Left Alive author was born.  This marine will give me the lowdown on how to balance writing with everything else that happens in life (motivation that I sorely need) and will answer that age old question – Orcs vs. zombies?  Who wins?

DAY 18 – Deirdre Gould 

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 Most zombie apocalypse stories feature characters in a never ending battle for survival.  Deirdre, on the other hand, asks us to consider what would happen After the Cure.  In her series, a cure for a zombie-fying virus has been found.  The Infected have returned back to humans again, but now have to live with the grim realization of what they’ve done.

Personally, I feel bad when I eat too many peanut M and M’s so I have to assume I’d be pretty down in the dumps if I were to ever eat a human.

DAY 19 – Eric A. Shelman

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We’re all aspiring writers around here, aren’t we, 3.5 readers?  Thus, we can learn a lot from Eric Shelman.

In 1999, after co-authoring and publishing a non-fiction book about Mary Ellen Wilson, the first case of a child rescued from abuse in in 1874, Eric turned his attention toward fiction.  He wrote about a serial killer, then shelved it.  Then he wrote about witches, and shelved that attempt too.

In 2011, he was inspired by seeing a number of zombie fiction writers gain popularity on Facebook, so much so that he gave it another go and has been successfully publishing the Dead Hunger series ever since.

It’s never too late to try again, 3.5 readers.

Also, is it me or does he look like an awesome dude in that cowboy hat?  Kind of has a Raylynn Givens from Justified vibe going.

DAY 20 – Rachel Higginson

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I have a bad habit of being one of those “glass half empty kind of guys,” especially when it comes to love.  It’s hard enough to find that special someone in civilized times that I’m skeptical as to whether or not romance can bloom amidst zombie mayhem.  The author of Love and Decay will set me straight and explain how she’s applied a serialized television style format to her writing that has led to success.

It all starts Oct. 1, right here on bookshelfbattle.com!

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Sep 23 2015
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Count Krakovich - Asshat Vampire

How to Defeat a Vampire – Religion

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampireshutterstock_115775161 copy

Bleh!  Greetings 3.5 children of the night!

I’m back again to extract my revenge on the League of Vampires for forcing me out of their organization just because I made like thirty disastrous mistakes.

Vampires?  Bunch of Douche-pires if you ask me.

So to get back at those losers I’m educating you, the 3.5 readers, on how to defeat vampires.

Today’s lesson?  Religion.

Now, you’re all aware that a crucifix can stop a vampire in its tracks.  A cross held to our skin long enough will burn us, but we usually just hiss loudly and run in the opposite direction whenever we see one, not giving the cross holder the chance to harm us in the first place.

That’s because we vampires are considered abominations in the eyes of God.  Bodies are meant for the living and for the dead to be using one really pisses the Man Upstairs off.

Vampires.  Zombies.  Used car salesmen.  All despised by the Creator.

“But Count Krakovich,” you say.  “I don’t usually wear a crucifix.  I’m not a priest or a stereotypical Italian bookie in a track suit.  Can I still use religion to defeat a vampire?”

Answer:  yes.

First of all, if you’re not a Christian, any other religious symbol will do.  That’s something we vampires like to keep on the down low.

So if you’re a member of the tribe, whip out your Star of David and a vampire will hiss louder than a defective muffler.

Muslim?  Show that vampire a crescent moon.

Scientologist?  Show that bloodsucker the picture of Tom Cruise you keep in your wallet.  Don’t lie.  You know you have one.

Jehovah’s Witness?  Smack that vampire in the face with a rolled up copy of The Watchtower.  Finally, you can do something useful with that magazine other than shoving it into the exhausted hand of that poor bastard you woke up at six a.m. and now he’s standing at his front door in his bathrobe, nodding politely, waiting for your sermon to end so he can deposit your offering into his circular file.

Atheist?  Hmm.  Tricky one.  But belief is belief and as long as your belief in nothing is strong, you should be able to deflect a vampire attack simply by saying, “Have a Nice Day.”

If you believe in nice days, that is.

“But Count Krakovich, I have none of these things!”

That’s ok.  Any of the following will do:

  • Any photo of a Holy Man, from the Pope to Al Sharpton.
  • A bible.  You heathen.  You know have ONE in your house.  Your Grandmother gave you one for your birthday when you were a kid and has been asking you for years if you’ve read it yet and you keep coming up with reasons why you haven’t.  Stop hiding weed in it and read the damn thing.  You’ll learn some choice phrases to use to ward off evil, especially vampires.  Crap if you don’t have one, swipe the free one from the hotel left by the Gideons.
  • Wait.  I’m told stealing a bible cancels its power out.  Don’t steal one.  You will actually have to invest a few bucks to buy one.  It will be worth it when it keeps you from becoming a vampire sorbet.
  • Voo doo is a type of religion, though typically looked at as a form of dark magic.  Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC then save the bones to throw at a vampire in a pinch.  FYI – you will have to become a fully fledged voo doo priest first.
  • Showing the following DVDs to a vampire will cause it to die, not due to the effects of religion, but just from sheer boredom:  Sister Act, Sister Act 2, or Fireproof, that pile of crap put out by Kirk Cameron long after Growing Pains ended and he became a male church lady.
  • The Ten Commandments, either the new one with Christian Bale, or the classic one with Charlton Heston, will hold a vampire back long enough for you to make a run for it.  Absent a copy of either film, you can still channel your best 1930’s gangster impression and shout, “Where’s your messiah now?” a la Edward G. Robinson in the original.  Doing so has no specific power over the vampire per se, but it will make him laugh long enough for you to skeedaddle.
  • Singing the following songs will render a vampire’s powers useless: Amazing Grace, Onward Christian Soliders, and Jesus Walks by Kanye West.  In fact, just hold up your copy of the Yeezus album.  Few are aware that Kanye is the second coming, which is odd, because he informs everyone every chance he gets.

Take my advice and you can’t go wrong against those jerk face vampires, 3.5.  So gather as many religious accouterments as you can get your hands on and take out those vamps for me, your new pal, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire.

Attorney Donnelly reminds readers to please not steal those hotel bibles.  The last thing BQB needs is a lawsuit from the Gideons shoved up his butt.

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Sep 21 2015
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Count Krakovich

Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

By: Count Krakovich, Special Vampire Correspondent

Count Krakovich, A-Hole Vampire

Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

Bleh!  Bleh!  Excuse me!  I have a bad taste in my mouth.  Must be that Diet Shasta Blood.

Good evening, 3.5 children of the night!

I am Count Krakovich and I am…a VAMPIRE!

Why, you might ask, would I reveal myself on a pitiful blog that only caters to 3.5 readers?

Well, recently, I was kicked out of the League of Vampires.  Something about leaving the back door of the castle open so the villagers could come in and burn my brethren alive.

Vampires are such crybabies.

Actually, that wasn’t my first foul up.  The High Vampire said it was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back.”

My other alleged screw-ups (which I do not confirm or deny) include:

  • Hiring a cleaning crew to take down the drapes and wash them…at noon on the sunniest day of the year.  What?  You find a crew that’s willing to drive out to a spooky castle at night and then you can give me that look.
  • I may, and I stress, MAY have lost a bus load of sacrificial virgins.  I replaced them with a bus full of sorority sisters on spring break hoping the High Vampire would not notice, but notice he did.  In my defense, you try to find a virgin these days.
  • Say one prayer in the vicinity of a bucket of water, the Second-in-Command vampire uses it for a bath and gets burned to a crisp.  Who knew that’s all it takes to create holy water?  It’s not like I was praying for anything extraordinary.  I was just asking God to let my favorite sports team win because I know he takes an interest in these things.
  • The vampires put me in charge of vampire pizza night.  I come back with what I assume is a meat lover’s pizza only to discover too late that it’s the garlic lover’s special.  Yes, I suppose I should have checked first before I left the pizza parlor but how am I to blame for Transylvania House of Pizza’s gross incompetence?
  • I was charged with redecorating the Vampire Castle.  I smashed all the old furniture, put all the sticks into a big dumpster and hired a crew of local villagers to haul it away.  Low and behold, they used the sticks as stakes and took out half the Vampire League.  OK.  Should I have seen that coming?  Yes.  But hindsight is 20/20.  Now I know not to hand villagers a pile of stakes.  I won’t do that next time.  You live and you learn.  You think the High Vampire sees it that way?  Ha.  That guy has a stick up his ass.  That’s not a joke.  A villager put it there and now the High Vampire refuses to forgive me.

So anyway, twenty or thirty pooch screws later and here I am, no longer affiliated with any reputable vampire organization.  No one will have me and I blame the League.  What pathetic loser faces they are, that they’d force me out after all I did for them.

Fear not, 3.5, for I, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire, will get my revenge by using this blog  for the next week to inform the world how to kill vampires.

Feel free to use my lessons on those a-holes in the Vampire League, especially that douchebag High Vampire.

Just don’t use these ideas on me, because hey, we’re cool, right?

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Sep 03 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

BQB’s Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse

Hey 3.5 Readers –

I hope you’ll take a minute to read the Intro to BQB’s upcoming zombie apocalypse.

Here’s what you’ll find on this blog come October.

  • East Randomtown, BQB’s hometown, will be overrun by zombies, thanks to the bumbling (or evil?) Dr. Hugo Von Science
  • Every day, there will be a new excerpt from BQB’s zombie apocalypse survivor’s journal.
  • And each day, a different zombie author will check in to advise our noble blog host on how to fight the undead hordes

This October, join Bookshelf Q. Battler, his main squeeze, Video Game Rack Fighter, their intergalactic green friend Alien Jones aka the Esteemed Brainy One and other Bookshelf Battle Blog regulars as they fight for their survival.

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Aug 29 2015
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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor Journal – Intro – Part 4

PREVIOUSLY ON BQB’S ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR JOURNAL

Part 1

“Now then, mein reality television stars, you’ve all become famous despite a lack of qualifications, credentials, and talent, is that correct?”

“Hold on Doc, Todd and I are both master plumbers…”

“I’ll take that as a no,”  Dr. Hugo said as he passed the mic to Vinny.

“Yo, does this mall have a spray on tan kiosk or what?  We’re gettin pasty ovah hea’!”shutterstock_173570732

“Strike two,”  Dr. Hugo said.

Jenna smacked a piece of gum in her mouth.

“I like to shop.”

“Undt strike three,”  Dr. Hugo said.  “Yes, the world loves its reality tv stars, so much so that people spend all of their time paying attention to these bores while men of science such as meinself are constantly ignored.  Be pretty and smile for the camera and you get rich undt famous but discover new and creative uses for teflon and the best you can get is a column on a blog with 3.5 readers.  No offense, BQB.”

“None taken.”

I was starting to think Dr. Hugo might be bitter.

“With one blast of mein new invention, these imbeciles will actually become productive members of society.”

“Just don’t blast me in the face,”  Jenna said.  “I never take a blast in the face.”

Vinny was all over that one.

“That’s not what guy on your sex tape said!  Ohhh!”

Rimshot.

“Yo doc,”  Vinny added.  “I was told we was gettin’ paid to show up here and play with your toy ray gun?”

“Something like that,”  Dr. Hugo replied.  “BEHOLD…THE AWESOME POWER OF THE REALITY TV STAR TRANSMOGRIFIER!”

The stars lined up and one by one, Dr. Hugo used his contraption to bathe them in a soft green light.

“How do you feel Ms. Simone?”

Still using her Barbie doll voice, Jenna said.  “Materialism.  ‘Tis a wanton mistress that bids you come hither and yet never fully satisfies you.  Thank you, good doctor, for showing me the folly of my ways, for I will now commit myself to the pursuit of knowledge.  From now on, my only interests will include books, PBS, NPR, Charlie Rose and….buh..”

Jenna didn’t look so good.  None of the stars did.

Flesh started dripping off the right side of Jenna’s once perfect face.

“Excuse me,”  she said.  “Yes, all I’m interested in now is knowledge and…

Her eyes turned a deep shade of yellow.

“BRAINS!!!!!”

The Streibcheks, the Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians, everyone who’d been zapped with Dr. Hugo’s invention turned into hideous undead creatures.

“Lookout!”  VGRF said.  “Scumsucking bottomfeeders!”

“That’s kind of low isn’t it?”  I asked.  “I mean sure, they’re a bunch of do-nothing hacks but they’re just out for a buck like the rest of us.”

“No!  Zombies!”

“Holy Crap!”

Mayor Bramble was the slowest human on stage and alas, he was instantly ripped to shreds by the zombified reality stars.

“Dr. Hugo!”  I shouted.  “What have you done?”

“Woopsie!”  my mentor said.  “Looks like I accidentally turned the hydroflescent phalange a bit too far to the left.  Mein bad!”

“So what do we do now?”

Dr. Hugo reached into his lab coat, whipped out a metal stick, and unfolded it.  It was the two-jump pogo stick, the invention he used to revitalize global transportation by guaranteeing the user could get wherever he wanted to go in the world with two jumps.”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m getting zie fahrvergnügen out of here!  Good luck!”

The mad scientist jumped once and  his pogo stick took him straight up into the air and out through an open skylight.

The audience dispersed, running this way and that with their arms flailing in fear.

The zombies surrounded us.

Alien Jones stretched out his hands and projected a bubble-shaped force field all around us.

“RUN!”  commanded the Esteemed Brainy One.

VGRF, Bernie and I jumped off the stage and let our feet fly.

“Keep up!”  Alien Jones said.  “One touch of the bubble’s surface and you’ll be…”

A zombified Lil’ Schnookums hurled herself at the bubble and was instantly turned into a fine mist. Donnies A and B tried and were vaporized as well.  The others got wise and began grabbing and biting every human they could find.

“We must get you to shelter, BQB,”  Alien Jones said.  “Your writing career is all that prevents the landing of the Mighty Potentate’s shock troops on Earthly soil.”

“I know!  I know!  Do you have to remind me every five seconds?”

Soon, the feeding frenzy doubled, tripled and even quadrupled the zombie horde.

“BQB,”  Bernie said.  “Did you have a kid?  And is he like, magic and shit?”

I ignored my buddy.  We ran past one abandoned store after another watching helplessly as East Randomtonians were eviscerated.

Zombies kept hurling themselves at the bubble only to get misted.

“We must hurry,”  Alien Jones.

The bubble flickered.

“I only have the strength to retain this field a few minutes longer!”

“There!”  I shouted, pointing at the Price Town at the end of the hallway.  It was one of the last three stores still operational.

We ran and ran, vicious beasts hot on our heels.

As we closed in on the store, Alien Jones punched a button on his phone and the security gate began to close.

The gate drew further and further downward.  The force field flickered again, but this time it was gone.

We all slid under the gate just moments before it snapped to ground.  The hungry zombies threw themselves at the metal, trying to bust in and devour us.

“This is some low down crunk ass shit,”  Bernie said.

Alien Jones grabbed his head and passed out, his little green body hitting the floor with a thud.

“AJ?”  I asked.

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Aug 29 2015
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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor Journal – Intro – Part 3

PREVIOUSLY ON BQB’S ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR JOURNAL

Part 1

“And now, the man of the hour, ladies and gentlemen, give a warm welcome to Dr. Hugo Von Science!!!”

Everyone flipped out when Dr. Hugo stepped out on stage.  I know I was happy to see him.

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

As a distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, Dr. Hugo was on the cutting edge of everything scientific.  Everyday, he was coming out with a new invention.

I once had the pleasure of being his student when I attended the Advance Science Institute.  The day my mentor handed me my Advanced Science Degree was one of the happiest days of my life.

Oh, yeah, besides when I met Video Game Rack Fighter, and I’m not just writing that because she’s one of this blog’s 3.5 readers.

I have to admit, I was honored when Dr. Hugo reached out to me earlier this year to ask if he could write a column on my blog entitled, “You Can’t Argue with Science.”

You really can’t, can you?

Dr. Hugo never went anywhere without his white lab coat and black-out goggles.  He spoke with a thick German accent.

The Mayor turned over the microphone.

“Guten Tag, mein leipshin!”

Applause.

“Mayhaps you remember me from mein wunderbar invention, teflon underpants!  Buy one and you’ll never need to wash another pair of undies again!”

He wasn’t lying.  Teflon underpants was a major breakthrough for the undergarment industry.

“And what about the Spolier Stratifier?”

Yes, Dr. Hugo also invented a special device you can wear that picks up on whenever someone is trying to ruin the plot of a TV show you haven’t watched yet and make it sound like they are just yodeling.  Countless marriages have been saved.

“Don’t forget the Beyonce-fier!”

The good doctor saved even more marriages through a special pair of glasses that caused all men to look at their wives as if they were Beyonce.  For the ladies, he issued a pair called “The Tatum-izer.”

“Don’t even get me started on the Super Collider Walnut Cracker!”

Dr. Hugo was the first man to harness the power of the super collider to hurl molecules at an unfathomable speed for the sole purpose of cracking walnuts.  It was a great achievement, though not a commercial success, since it was impossible to sell everyone a super collider.

“Undt now, Herrs undt Frauleins, I bring you my greatest invention yet, the Reality TV star transmogrifier!”

I overheard Alien Jones talking to his boss on the phone.

“Yes, Your Potentosity.  I am attending the demonstration now.”

“Mein leipshin, are you tired of your television being overrun with people who are famous for doing absolutely nothing?”

I know I was.  Alien Jones’ boss is so much so that he plans to take over the Earth if my writing career doesn’t motivate the masses to abandon reality tv altogether.

I’m doing my best, but you guys might want to get used to the idea of an alien overlord.

Dr. Hugo opened up a box and retrieved what appeared to be a laser blaster.  It was shiny, bright red and had all kinds of bells and whistles.

“Can we get the reality tv star test subjects up on stage?”

While we were waiting, Dr. Hugo walked up to me.

“BQB mein leipshin!  So nice to see you.”

“You too doctor.  How are things going at Science University?”

“Oh fine, just fine.  Well, there have been rumors that mein invention budget will be slashed in the next fiscal year but who am I to complain?”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Dr. Hugo.”

Despite his mad scientist appearance, Dr. Hugo always presented himself with a kind, courteous demeanor, but occasionally, a dark side poked through.

“As am I,”  Dr. Hugo replied.  “For now I will have to make them pay.  Nein, the whole world will now have to pay for disregarding mein genius for far too long!”

“Huh?”

“Oh nothing, nothing.”

The reality stars took to the stage.  There was Jenna Simone, the super foxy blonde whose main claim to fame was that she once slept with an NFL player.  A tape was leaked and based off that one encounter, she built a multi-million dollar empire that included a fashion line, a perfume, and her TV show, Just Jenna.

She wore all pink, carried Guillermo, a yippy purse dog that was even smaller than Bookshelf Q. Battledog, and raised up her oversized sunglasses just long enough to make a facial expression that indicated to everyone she was overwhelmingly bored being there.

“Mommy should fire her agent,” Jenna said to Guillermo.  “Yes she should.”

Next up were Bob and Todd Streibchek, a pair of grisly brothers/plumbers from the Bronx who rose to fame with their show, “Toilet Catastrophes.”

They were a crowd favorite too.

“People please,”  Bob said.  “Sure, you’re happy now, but what none of you realize is that inside each and every one of your homes is a porcelain death trap waiting to kill you if not calibrated properly.”

Toilet explosions.  People getting sucked into their toilets.  Alligators popping out of toilets and biting unsuspecting butts.  Bob and Todd had seen it all.

Last but not least, there was the cast of Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians.  Donnie A.  Donnie B.  Vinny Stugotz.  Maria Dub Step and last but not least, Lil’ Schnookums.

Vinny grabbed the mic.

“What, a mad scientist wants to shoot me over hea’?  Fahgeddaboudit!”

“What’s that?”  Alien Jones asked into his phone.  “Vaporize them if the demonstration doesn’t work?  Oh Potent One, I don’t believe that would comply with Earth law.  What?  Yes, I know.  Yes.  You are the Mighty Potenate.”

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Aug 29 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor Journal – Intro – Part 2

PREVIOUSLY ON BQB’S ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR JOURNAL…

Part 1

“Oranges!  Get your oranges here!”

Oh great.  Bernie was taking advantage of the spectacle to sell his fruit.

Bernie

Bernie “MC Plotz” Plotznick, one half of the defunct rap duo, “The Funky Hunks.”

It’s not easy getting a brief taste of fame at a young age only to spend the rest of your life in the entertainment industry’s shadow.

I managed to move on from my Funky Hunk days by becoming the owner/proprietor of a book blog with 3.5 readers.  Bernie, on the other hand, was still living in the past, refusing to do anything with his life because he was certain a Funky Hunk resurgence was just around the corner.

In the meantime, he eeked out a meager existence by buying oranges from the supermarket and reselling them to people who felt sorry for him.

“Full of citrusy goodness and your daily requirement of vitamin c, folks!”

“Don’t make eye contact,”  I said to VGRF.

“What?”

Too late.

“BQB!”

Bernie gave me a big hug.

“What up dawg?”

“Hey Bernie.”

“How you been, man?  I hear you’re taking the Internet by storm now?”

“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I do run a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.  How are you?”

“Me?”  Bernie asked.  “I’m hella tight, son.  Hella tight.  Been kickin’ some sick rhymes.”

“Good for you.”

“Yo, you gotta check this one out.”

“No,”  I said.  “It’s ok.  Maybe later.”

Bernie launched straight into a non-threatening Funky Hunks style rap.

Yo.  Yo yo.  2015.  Funky Hunks back on the scene.

Check it.

Homework!  It’s what you gotta do!

To gain lots of knowledge.

Make your parents happy too.

Everyone started staring at Bernie and not in a good way.

After you’re done,

Practice those ABC’s.

It’s all about killin’ the SAT’s!

“That’s great, Bern,”  I said.  “Really great.”

He kept going.

Algebra!  It seems really tough!

But it totally isn’t when you practice that stuff!”

“BERN!  I got it.”

“That’s the shit, right?  Is that the shit or is that the shit?”

“Oh, it’s shit alright.”

BQB, back in his Funky Hunk days, when he went by the moniker,

BQB, back in his Funky Hunk days, when he went by the moniker, “Read N. Plenty.”

There was a sore spot between Bernie and I.  Back in the day, our manager thought we should rap about sex, drugs and violence like all the other rappers were doing.  I was willing to do it for the money but Bernie refused to rap about anything non-wholesome.

Sometimes I’m mad at him for costing me a ton of cash.  Other times I’m glad he saved my soul because sex, drugs and money isn’t what I’m all about.  Well, the drugs and violence parts anyway.  The sex part?  As a big time nerd, life decided that’s not what I’m about for me.

“We need to get together and lay that down on a track,”  Bernie said.

“I’ll get back to you on that.  I’ve been busy.”

Bernie spied VGRF.

“Yeah, I see you’ve been gettin’ busy.  BQB I heard you was knockin’ boots with a fine ass she-nerd honey but DAYUM!”

VGRF looked at me as if to say, “What do I do?”

“He’s attempting to compliment you,”  I said.

“Oh.  Thank you?”

“No doubt,”  Bernie said.  “Say BQB, I ‘aint tryin’ seperate you from your duckets or nothin.'”

Video Game Rack Fighter

Video Game Rack Fighter

Here it comes.

“I worry about you man.  You need your strength.  You want an orange?”

“How much?”

“Five Washingtons.”

“Are you serious?”

“MC Plotz don’t play, sucka.”

I handed over a fiver and received an orange.  God, I felt sorry for that guy.

Some boring elevator music played over the speakers and an old man wearing a tweed jacket and a bowtie trudged up onto the stage and rested on his cane.

It was Mayor Philbert T. Bramble.  He’d been the leader of East Randomtown for as long as I could remember, not due to his political prowess, but because no one else wanted the job.  He’d been running unopposed forever.

“Good afternoon, East Randomtown!”  the Mayor said.  “What a lovely audience and…”

Mayor Bramble looked directly at me.

“Is that Bookshelf Q. Battler?”

I tried to hide behind VGRF and Bernie.  Alien Jones was busy checking messages on his phone.  It was a suped up, hyper charged alien phone, much more awesome than ours.

“Friends,”  Mayor Bramble said.  “In 1985, East Randomtown resident Doug Hauser got himself a thirty-second spot as a dope pusher on Miami Vice. As I watched that young man get the tar beaten out of him by Don Johnson, I thought to myself, ‘Never again will East Randomtown experience such greatness!'”

Sigh.  It was true.  I was a virtual unknown to the rest of the world, but in my hometown, I was known as “The Man Who Ousted the Miami Vice Extra.”

It was a dubious honor.

The crowd started cheering.  “BQB!  BQB!  BQB!”

The Mayor continued.

“But then BQB came along and brought glory to our little burg by starting a blog with not one…not two…not even three…but THREE POINT FIVE READERS!”

Throughout the crowd there were utterances of “Wow” and “Oh my God!” and so on.

“Come on up here, BQB!”

“Uh,”  I mumbled from the crowd.  “I’d really rather not.  It’s Dr. Hugo’s big day and all..”

VGRF nudged me.  “Go ahead.”

“Yes.  You’ve earned it.”

What a supportive girlfriend.  Most women would demand a guy quit their bloggery by now but VGRF had always been there for me.

I headed for the stage.

“Bring your family with you!”

VGRF and Alien Jones, still icognito, tagged along.  Bernie invited himself.

As soon as I was on stage, the crowd went nuts.  A forty-something lady threw her blue denim stretch pants at me.  They landed right on my hand.  It was awkward.

“3.5 readers,”  Mayor Bramble said.  “How do you do it, son?  What’s your secret?”

The Mayor pointed the microphone at me.

“I’m just lucky I guess.”

He put his arm around me.

“Don’t be so modest.  These stories you tell about a magic bookshelf, a space alien, and a private detective and so on, you have quite an imagination to dream all that up.”

“Oh yeah,”  I said.  “None of that is real.”

Or is it?

“BQB, I’m so glad you came because this gives me the chance to announce a piece of important news.  Just yesterday, I signed papers ordering the East Randomtown Maintenance Department to knock down the statue of Doug Hauser in East Randomtown Park and replace it with a sculpture of your likeness!”

The crowd clapped.  One guy yelled “Doug Hauser sucks!”

“Oh no,”  I said.  “Please don’t do that, sir.  I don’t want to step on someone’s accomplishment.”

“Stop being so modest, my boy,” the Mayor said.  “Hauser is an old has-been.  You are this town’s future.”

Yeesh.  I felt sorry for the town then.

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Aug 28 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

Zombie and Zombie Authors Respond to #31ZombieAuthors

Happy Friday, 3.5.

Have you checked out the info for #31ZombieAuthors yet?

First, heres what the zombies had to say:

“Grrrr.  Arrrrgh!!!”

– Zombie randomly dressed like one of the Village people, making you wonder if his other three friends are ok.

“Ugh…..brains….BRAINS!”

– A zombie who apparently was delivering a pizza when he was bitten because he just carries a large pepperoni with extra cheese everywhere he goes now.

“Bahhhh….ack…reading your dumb blog turned me into a zombie…”

– Formerly one of the 3.5 readers

Everyone’s a critic.

What about the zombie authors?

I must say, the online indie/self-publishing community is awesome.

Here’s what I naturally assumed was going to happen:

BQB:  Hi!  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, owner of a magic bookshelf and best friend of an alien.  Would you like to talk to me about zombies in October?

AUTHORS:  Security!!!!

And here’s what’s happened (and literally mostly in just the past day):

BQB: Hi! I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, owner of a magic bookshelf and best friend of an alien. Would you like to talk to me about zombies in October?

AUTHORS: Sure, what do you need?

Amazing.

And let me tell you, if all goes well, what a diverse group we’ve got lined up, 3.5 readers.

Authors just starting.  Authors who are old pros.  Romantic zombie authors.  Zombie survival authors.  Funny zombie authors.  It’s a veritable zombie-smorgasbord.

I’m not sure if any of them want me to put them out there just yet, but I’ll get a lineup out there eventually.

Dr. Hugo Von Science, Harbinger of the Zombie Apocalypse

Dr. Hugo Von Science, Harbinger of the Zombie Apocalypse

Also, I’m not at 31 yet and ideally, I’d like to get well above 31 because, you know, things happen.  Maybe an author changes his/her mind.  Maybe they become zombies themselves.  Maybe they have to tend to their own survivor groups.  Who knows?

So if you know a zombie author, please let them know.

Clarification

One question that comes up – does the author have to be available on a certain day in October?

Answer – No.  I’m hoping to get every author’s post finished by the end of September so everything’s ready to run in October.

It’s like you’re in a TV show!  You taped it earlier, but it doesn’t run until later!

A TV show with only 3.5 people watching.

Any Special Guests?

They’re all special.

Who Gets the Coveted Halloween End of Interview Series Post?

As I said above, they’re all special.  I was surprised any of them responded, because, I repeat, I’m a guy who claims to talk to aliens.

That being said, I received a yes from two personal heroes who have really inspired this nerd to clack away at the computer keys, so All Hallow’s Eve is all theirs.

I’ll hold off on the details until there’s an official Zombie Author Roster.

Isn’t this awesome?

It really is.  3.5, we’re going to be talking the some of the greatest minds in the zombie-sphere.  So many brains in one place.  Keep the zombies away.

So what’s next?

Here’s where it gets tricky.

To those just tuning in, I’m on a one post a day challenge.  One post on this blog every day for a year.

I’m thinking this zombie challenge really ups the game a bit.  I will have to redouble my efforts because at the end of the day, I want these 31 zombie authors and their fans (zombie and human alike) to be happy.

So, roll up my sleeves I will.  I have to make a spreadsheet just to keep track of all the authors and who I’ve asked what.

And zombie authors tuning in, the tough part will be coordinating my zombie apocalypse story with your interview.

I foresee each day will bring a new entry in BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.

Day 1 will be longer because it’s the set up of how BQB, VGRF and Alien Jones get trapped in the East Randomtown Mall in the midst of a zombie horde and have to make their way home.

Each day, BQB will update the 3.5 readers with the latest action in the apocalypse and then pause for a Q and A with a zombie author.

Some of those q’s will be advice on zombie apocalypse survival.  That’s probably going to be depend on the individual authors.  Hopefully, some will play along.  Others I fear may just tell me that’s dumb, though hey, no one’s told me no yet so who knows.

What BQB asks will vary amongst the authors, so I’m going to have to do a lot of planning.

There will be questions about writing craft, self publishing, etc. which, ok, yes that’s silly.  BQB, evil undead creatures are trying to eat you, why are you talking about writing?

That’ll be one of those “please suspend your disbelief” moments, 3.5.

What are your questions?

Readers, something like this rarely happens, so don’t waste it.  What questions do you have for our zombie experts?

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Aug 27 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Revised FAQ

Hello 3.5 readers (and prospective zombie author participants).shutterstock_173570732

Wow, summer went by fast, didn’t it?

You might remember I proposed this idea in July and now September is rapidly approaching.

I’ve had some time to think about it, so if you’re a zombie author interested in helping Bookshelf Q. Battler and friends survive the zombie apocalypse this October, here are the revised details:

Q.  What’s this now?

A.  #31ZombieAuthors – (see hashtag on Twitter).  I’m recruiting thirty one zombie authors to participate.  There are thirty one days in October, so I’d like to interview one per day.  Ideally, I’d like to recruit MORE than thirty one in case someone isn’t able to participate as planned (life happens and all) and if that leads to more than thirty one interviews, that’s great.

Q.  And what is going to happen?

For thirty one days, Bookshelf Q. Battler (that’s me, I like to talk about myself in the third person) will write daily entries in his “Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.”

The setup:

Bookshelf Q. Battler, his girlfriend Video Game Rack Fighter, and their alien buddy, Alien Jones aka the Esteemed Brainy One attend a scientific demonstration at the East Randomtown Mall (the shopping headquarters of our hero’s home town).

Alas, the demonstration is run by the mad scientist known as Dr. Hugo Von Science.  Some say he’s incompetent.  Others say he produces failed inventions for the purposes of spreading chaos.  On this blog, we just know him as our humble science correspondent.

Long story short, Dr. Hugo’s experiment goes awry, the crowd of gawkers are turned into zombies, and BQB, VGRF and AJ go on the run in a desperate month long quest for survival.

Here’s the first part of the story.

Q.  What do you want from me?

It’s going to vary from author to author, but I propose anywhere from three-five questions.  Maybe more or less but at any rate I’m not looking to be a burden on anyone’s time.

Some of the questions might be about zombie survival techniques.  For example, BQB might ask you, as a noted zombie expert (after all, you wrote a zombie book) a particular question about how to defeat the zombies or how to survive, etc.

Also, this is a blog where writing and self publishing is discussed, so BQB might discuss your craft as well.

This is all meant to be lighthearted and fun, non-intrusive, and I really want everyone to walk away feeling as though their time was well spent.

When your day in October comes up, it will be something like:

“BQB’S Survivor Journal, Day 10, Today I was so concerned about the zombie epidemic that I spoke to Fred Smith, Author of Zombie Book.”

Q.  I don’t know about this.

I don’t blame you.  I’m a grown man who claims to be the owner of a magic bookshelf as well as the best buddy of an alien.  Who wouldn’t kick the tires a bit on that scenario?

I get it.  You’re running your own self-published author business.  Your reputation is everything and you don’t want it being brought down.

Allow me to offer the following:

  • I’ll email you questions.  You write back with your responses.
  • If you don’t like the finished post, and we can’t figure out a way to fix it that’ll make you happy, it’ll just come down.  No problem.

Q.  This isn’t like a typical blog interview I’ve done.  Why all the interactivity?

I’m a big fan of Jimmy Fallon, who has successfully reinvented the stodgy, decades old late night talk show formula.

Remember Johnny Carson?  What would happen?  Some celebrity comes on, drones on and on about himself, Johnny pretends to be interested, Ed shouts out the occasional, “Ho, ho, ho, you are correct, sir!”

Jimmy plays games with his guests.  Scar Jo comes on, guesses what’s in the box Jimmy’s holding, they have fun, I enjoy watching it and I’m reminded Scar Jo has a new movie coming out.

That’s the gist of what I try to do here.

With Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” column, twenty-one authors have asked the alien a question, and received plugs for their books and blogs in his answer.

Here’s the list of authors who’ve participated in that so far.

Note that AJ has also given the “don’t like it, the post comes down” pledge and thus far, not one author has complained.  Typically, they even tweet out, reblog and otherwise promote their alien interaction.

Q.  I’m lost.  What’s your blog about?

Here it is in a nutshell:

  • I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler.  I own a magic bookshelf.  When I put a book on it, the book characters come to life.
  • My friend is Alien Jones, an intergalactic emissary sent by the despotic space dictator, “The Mighty Potentate,” to answer questions in a column on my blog to raise humanity’s intelligence levels and prevent the spread of reality tv throughout the universe.
  • My girlfriend is Video Game Rack Fighter.  We met while on a spiritual quest to consult the Great Guru about the meaning of life.
  • There are other ancillary characters who occasionally stop by, namely, The Yeti, Dr. Hugo, the ghost of my exceptionally grumpy uncle, just to name a few.
  • This blog is my chance to entertain my 3.5 readers.

Q.  3.5 readers?

It’s an ongoing joke.  I can’t lie and tell you this blog is conquering the world, but it has been growing steadily since its inception in 2014.  The gist of the joke is that as long as 3.5 people are reading, I’ll be motivated to keep writing.

Q.  Can you tell me your name?  I’d feel better about being interviewed.

A.  Sure.  My/BQB’s real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein.

Q.  No.  Your real name.

Oh!  You’re talking about nasty rumors that Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, all of these characters aren’t real and that some random guy behind the scenes is pretending to be everyone.

Ridiculous!  Preposterous, I say!

In theory though, if that were true, a guy like that would probably prefer to keep himself on the down low, at least until his writing starts paying the bills, so as to not find himself being hauled into an HR meeting to explain why he claims to be best friends with an alien.

You’d be surprised how few people outside of BQB’s 3.5 readers have a sense of humor.

Q.  Thanks, but I’d rather not be involved.

I understand, kemo sabe.  I don’t want to harsh your mellow.  We’re all just fellow travelers on this spaceship called Earth so you be you and I’ll be me, man.  Far out.  Groovy.  You dig it?

Q.  This sounds awesome.  I’m in!

Huzzah!  I’ll be in touch with your questions!  Ideally, I’d like to get all 31 posts in the can by September 20 so it can all go off without a hitch once October rolls around.

And I’m still recruiting, so if you know any zombie authors, spread the word,

Q.  But I’m not a zombie.

Humans who write about zombies are acceptable, but if there is a zombie out there who has managed to write a book despite decaying hands and lack of a thought process, he’s welcome as long as he promises not to bite me.

I’m not sexist.  She-zombies also welcome.

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