Bookshelf Battlers, I’m pleased to announce that Frank Underwood, Fictional President of the United States in the House of Cards world, has agreed to be a guest book reviewer today. I interviewed him earlier this week to get his thoughts on the timeless children’s classic, Green Eggs and Ham, by the incomparable Dr. Seus. Here is the transcript of that interview:
FRANK UNDERWOOD (LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA): As they say in my hometown of Gaffney,
South Carolina, if you’re going to do something, do it big. So why on earth would I ever allow myself to be featured on a book blog that only has 3.5 people reading it?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
FRANK UNDERWOOD: (TO ME) No problem, sir. Why frankly, book blogs such as yours contribute to this great nation’s literacy and educational efforts. (TO CAMERA) They have another saying in Gaffney. Time is money and my time? It’s very valuable. For allowing my precious moments to circle round and round the drain of eternity only to be swallowed by the sewer of oblivion, I’ll have this wannabe writer dispatched posthaste. It will look like an accident and the world will be none the wiser.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, who are you talking to?
FRANK UNDERWOOD: What? Oh, no one in particular. I just like to break the fourth wall from time to time.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: So – Green Eggs and Ham. What did you think?
FRANK UNDERWOOD: To try new things or to stay with the same old same old is the raisone d’etre of this childish farce from a man who, between you and me, had very questionable doctor’s credentials. I don’t believe I ever saw him perform a single surgery. However, his credentials as a bona fide scribe are without question. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Did you learn any lessons you’d like to share with my 3.5 readers?
FRANK UNDERWOOD: Why, I’m glad you asked. People should open their minds. To remain steadfast to old, worn out traditions is to become irrelevant. I’m all about trying new things. My wife Claire and I try new things all the time… (TO CAMERA) – …usually with Meechum.
(UNDERWOOD’S PHONE RINGS. BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER was able to obtain a transcript of the following exchange between the President and the First Lady. A sawbuck to Doug Stamper may or may not have been involved)
CLAIRE: Frank, how is the interview going? Are you informing bookshelfbattle.com’s 3.5 readers about why they need to read The Lorax?
FRANK: I’m sorry, dear. I changed it to Green Eggs and Ham at the last minute.
CLAIRE: But we talked about this! We agreed that a review of The Lorax would be more conducive to my non-profit environmental efforts!
FRANK: The Lorax is an unwashed hippie, Claire. Running around, talking gibberish, trying to shut down corporations that keep the working man employed. I’m sorry Claire, but association with the Lorax is a no go. Joey the Dog’s reluctant yet eventually compliant spirit of can do enthusiasm is exactly what my presidency needs.
CLAIRE: Reluctant yet eventually compliant…
FRANK: I know. Sounds like the night we spent with Meechum.
(FRANK hangs up the phone)
FRANK: Where were we?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Discussing Green Eggs and Ham.
FRANK: Ahh yes. Now sir, philosophers may disagree about the socioeconomic strategies vis a vis green food products but I for one…
(My phone rings)
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I’m sorry, Mr. President. Hold that thought. Hello?
CLAIRE: Bookshelf Q. Battler, this is the first lady. You need to tank Frank’s review of Green Eggs and Ham, but never let it be known I had anything to do with it. You need to put up a review of The Lorax in its place.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Um. OK then.
(I hang up my phone).
FRANK: (TO THE CAMERA) Kept waiting by a wordpress wonder. The indignity. (TO ME) Now then, if we could discuss Sam I Am’s place in the literary world, I think we’ll find that…
(My phone rings again)
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, I’m so sorry. One moment. Hello?
REMY DANTON: Mr. Battler. Remy Danton, big time Washington lobbyist here. We need to talk. Listen, cancel Underwood’s review of Green Eggs and Ham. What the American people really want is a review of The Cat in the Hat.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: You think so?
REMY DANTON: I know so. A magical cat whisks a pair of children into a fantasy filled with wonder and make-believe. Your 3.5 regular readers will find that much more enjoyable. For Christ Sake’s, you might even get yourself on Reddit. That’s the big time for book bloggers.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I’ll think about it.
(I hang up. My phone rings again)
FRANK: Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just looking through some files while I wait. (TO CAMERA) And also plotting as to which dumpster your bloated corpse will find itself in.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Hello?
RAYMOND TUSK: Hello, Mr. Battler. This is Raymond Tusk, a highly influential rich man who bears a striking resemblance to Major Dad. Listen, Frank Underwood is trying to shove Green Eggs and Ham down your throat and Remy Danton is trying to stick the Cat in the Hat up your you know what. Ignore both those losers and offer your readers a review of Horton Hears a Who.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Why?
RAYMOND TUSK: Son, trying new things is overrated. Do you know why eggs turn green? Mold. Eggs turn green when they are moldy. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever eaten a moldy egg?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: No.
RAYMOND TUSK: Of course not. And do you know why?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: No.
RAYMOND TUSK: Because you don’t need to shove a pile of mold in your mouth in order to realize it would taste awful. Some things that are new to you should never be experienced because you already have a built-in sense that certain things are better left untried.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Makes sense.
(I hang up)
FRANK: (TO CAMERA) As they say in Gaffney, sometimes you need to stick your hand up a book blogger’s posterior and work him like a puppet. (TO ME) Level with me son. You’ve got my wife demanding that you review The Lorax. I know you’d never do that because you’re smart enough to realize that no one cares what that walrus mustached clown has to say.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: OK.
FRANK: That two-bit hack Remy Danton wants you to review The Cat in the Hat. Imagine. A six foot tall anthropomorphic feline waltzes right into a home uninvited and proceeds to encourage the unattended children to engage in all sorts of tomfoolery. Why, the fish is the only voice of reason in the entire publication. Where on earth were the children’s parents amidst all of this foolishness? I’ve a good mind to call social services.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I have always sided with the fish. Except for one book I wrote and tried to turn into a movie.
FRANK: And Horton Hears a Who? An elephant who believes he talks to tiny people. That book is absolute madness and has no business offending your 3.5 readers’ eyes.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Agreed. Green Eggs and Ham it is.
FRANK: Delightful. Now, how are you getting home? Do you need a car? Scratch that. You should just take the train…
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Ummm….I’m fine. I think I’ll just walk.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Joey the Dog is the actual name of the guy that Sam I Am tries to feed green eggs and ham to. I had to look it up.