Tag Archives: Movies

Movie Review – A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Canine reincarnation.  Animal acting controversy.  Pooch Hall in a 1980s Jerry curl.

BQB here with a review of the sappy schmaltz fest that is, A Dog’s Life.

Before I venture into this review, I suppose I should discuss the elephant in the room.  This film was expected to get more play as an ode to man’s best friend, but all that was cast aside when video surfaced of a trainer struggling to get a German Shepherd to enter a turbulent pool of water, followed by the dog later ending up submerged a little longer than anyone would like to see.

More on that from the LA Times.

Honestly, I don’t know.  I watched the video.  The dog isn’t beaten or anything, though that shouldn’t necessarily be the low bar that is set for dog treatment.  The dog is scared.  The trainer tries to get him to go into the pool anyway.  Eventually the dog is in the pool and he goes underwater for a bit.  At the end of the day, he’s safe.

Animal activists are all over the movie like stink on a monkey, raising the question of whether or not animals should be made to appear/perform in movies at all.

On the other hand, W. Bruce Cameron, author of the book the film is based on, released this letter to USA Today, which, if you read it, seems reasonable.

I don’t want to put words into the man’s mouth but my takeaway was, “We goofed.  We’re sorry.  I love dogs.  The movie is meant as a love song to the relationship between man and dog.”

I’ll let you decide.  Personally, I think it might be one of those lessons where everything worked out, the dog’s fine and there was a lesson learned.  Movie dog trainers are now on notice to not force dogs to do things they aren’t cool with.  Yes, it’s a teachable moment for the PETA crowd to express their views, but then again, in today’s knee jerk to become outraged within 30 seconds Internet/social media culture, the folks behind the movie are being treated as if they are collectively Satan…and I don’t sense a vibe that they are Satan.

Moving on to the film itself, Bailey, voiced by Josh Gad, begins his journey as a golden retriever owned by young Ethan.  Time moves on.  As in any life, there are happy times and sad times, proud times and profoundly disappointing times.

Long story short, the pooch buys the farm and is reincarnated as a different dog over and over again, each time to a different owner in a different time period.

Each owner has his/her backstory and it’s up to Bailey to help each human with their personal problems as best he can.  Some owners are kind.  Some owners are douches.

Morals laid down by the tale:

  • Your dog’s life is in your hands and ultimately, he/she ends up being as happy as you are.  If you’re a douche and you treat your dog in a douche-like manner, your dog will be unhappy.  If you rise above whatever it is that is dragging you down, you’ll find happiness if you remember to treat your dog right.
  • Your dog has thoughts.  No, a dog’s inner voice probably doesn’t sound like Josh Gad, but dogs get the gist.  They know if you are mad at them or happy with them.  They know what it is like to be treated well and they know what it is like to be treated like crap.
  • Give your dog a break.  Sure, they occasionally poop on your rug, but if you wouldn’t cast out a family member for making a mistake then give your dog the same courtesy.
  • Dogs are a lot of work.  Being a dog owner is a big commitment.  Think about whether or not you are up for it.  Being chained up in the back yard with occasional feedings and waterings whenever you feel like it is no life for a dog.
  • Ultimately, your dog is a source of unconditional love.  Your dog won’t leave you a Dear John letter or tell you to get lost.  Though you’ll often go to work, go out into the world and leave your dog alone, he/she is like a friend that’s always there waiting for you when you get home.

I hate to admit it, but the film was a real tearjerker.  I mean, not to spoil it, but as a viewer, you’re forced to witness a dog die over and over and over again and that’s before you even scrape the surface of the emotional pain his various owners are in.  Oh and time flashes by at a lightning pace and entire decades have come and gone before you realize it, so try to make the most of it before it is too late.

It sucks that the controversy derailed this film.  I sympathize with the people that are mad.  I sympathize with the people behind this film.

All and all, I’d say give the movie a chance.  There’s a definite love of all things furry behind it.

STATUS: Shelf worthy.  Woof.

 

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#OscarsSoPretty 2017

Hey 3.5 readers.

We’re here!  We’re ugly!  Get used to it!  We will not hide our hideous faces under paper grocery store bags any longer!

Do you want to see more ugly actor/actress representation at the Oscars?  Tweet your support for ugly thespians with #OscarsSoPretty

 

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The 2017 Oscars are Still So Damn Pretty (Best Actor/Actress Nominations) – #OscarsSoPretty

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Noted Ugly Rights Activist Bookshelf Q. Battler

Good evening, 3.5 readers.

I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

You’d think after my #OscarsSoPretty activism last year, which mostly consisted of bitching and moaning on this fine blog, that Hollywood would have learned its lesson and nominated some aesthetically challenged, visually displeasing actors and actresses.

But no.  They just doubled down on the pretty.  Will you look at these nominees?

BEST ACTOR

CASEY AFFLECK (Manchester by the Sea) – Oh yeah, when you’ve got Affleck genes your life is really hard.  Come on this dude is in his thirties and he still looks like he could be the captain of the high school football team or some shit.  Goddamn Afflecks.

ANDREW GARFIELD (Hacksaw Ridge) – Get the hell outta here, Andrew Garfield.  You and your perfect hair got to be in two terrible Spiderman movies.  Do you know what happens to an ugly man if he works at Burger King and fucks up the whoppers?  His ass gets fired.  Know what happens if a handsome man fucks up the Spiderman franchise?  They put his ass in an Academy Award nominated film.  Pretty privilege exists, people.

RYAN GOSLING  (La La Land) – Oh for the love of God, ever since this son of a bitch was in The Notebook, the broads have been throwing their panties at him, shouting, “I wouldn’t forget you if I came down with dementia, Ryan!” Fuck, this guy could have gone to that march in Washington, D.C. and gotten himself buried knee deep in pussy hat.

VIGGO MORTENSEN (Captain Fantastic) – He’s getting up there but he isn’t exactly an old timer yet.  Chicks still dig him for that scene in Eastern Promises where he got in a fight in a bathhouse and, while in his naked muscular glory, didn’t allow his dangling dangler get in the way of kicking ass.

DENZEL WASHINGTON (Fences) – Damn it, Denzel, even while you’re playing a crusty old fuck trying to stand in the way of his son’s dreams you’re still a handsome ass man and probably pulling down mad crazy babes.

3.5 READERS: But surely, BQB, the Academy nominated an ugly actress.

BQB: You’d think so, but if you did, you thought wrong!

BEST ACTRESS

ISABELLE HUPPERT (Elle) – She’s 63, but she’s one of the hotter 63 year olds around.  I mean, she could have her way with yours truly if she wanted and I wouldn’t care that she’s packing an AARP card or that she was born during the damn Eisenhower administration.  Further, she’s French, and I don’t mean to tell tales out of school, but French women have been known to make a man go, “Ooo la la.”  But you know what she isn’t?  Ugly.  Blast you, Academy and your discrimination against the ugly.

RUTH NEGGA (Loving) – This Irish/Ethiopian actress is so hot that she plays Mildred Loving, a woman so hot that her white boyfriend waged a legal battle all the way to the US Supreme Court just to marry her (back in the days in when interracial marriage was illegal).  Hell, I can’t blame the man.  I’d go before SCOTUS myself to get me some of that.

NATALIE PORTMAN (Jackie) – The woman so hot she made Anakin Skywalker cheat on his Jedi vows.  She already has an Oscar for Black Swan.  You know who doesn’t have an Oscar?  An ugly woman.  But sure, let’s just keep heaping awards and praise on the hot chicks.

EMMA STONE (La La Land) – Oh Emma, you wide-eyed redheaded hottie, you.  Hollywood has been in love with you ever since you splashed on the scene as Jonah Hill’s love interest in Superbad.  While you failed to convince us that you were Asian in the craptacular crap fest that was Aloha, you continue to be America’s sweetheart.  Know you will never be America’s Sweetheart?  Anyone with stretch marks.
MERYL STREEP (Florence Foster Jenkins) – Meryl is like 900 years old now but she looks good for her age.  At this point, she can’t open a closet in her house without 10,000 golden statuettes raining down upon her.  She was hot in her day and Hollywood will literally never stop tossing awards her way.  I mean, whether you like her or not, hasn’t she received enough awards by now?  Isn’t there a nice buck toothed, acne ridden actress who wouldn’t like to thank the Academy?

BQB:  OK 3.5.  That’s enough for me today.  I’m so mad at the snubs against the ugly that I have to go hyperventilate into a bag then put the bag on my head and hyperventilate because I am so damn ugly.  Join me next time where I will harangue the Best Supporting Actor and Actress nominees for being so damn pretty.

Do you want to see more ugly actor/actresses nominated?  Join me in complaining with #OscarsSoPretty

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New Star Wars Movie Title – “The Last Jedi”

Hey 3.5 nerds.

BQB here.

So, word has it that the next Star Wars movie will be titled, “The Last Jedi.”

As many Internet dweebs have pointed out, in Empire Strikes Back, Yoda tells Luke, “When I am gone, the last Jedi you will be.”

In other words, the title is most likely a reference to Luke.  As we saw at the end of the last film, Luke will be a big role in this new movie.

Does “last Jedi” mean that Luke will kick the bucket?  One would think so because if he croaks before any new Jedis are made, then he’d be the last Jedi.

To me, this title begs a question – if there are no more Jedis, how can there be any more movies?

These movies rely on Jedis and if there are no more Jedis then you can’t make any more Star Wars movies.

Is the plural of Jedi also “Jedi?”  In that case, the title could refer to Luke and Rey and or any amount of unspecified Jedi.  However, if they are the last Jedi then I don’t know how you could have another movie.

It seems to me that the new movies are following the plots of 4-6 (or, the originals, if you are an old bastard like me).  Rey learns she has powers in 7 as Luke does in 4.  Rey will get trained by a wise old master (Luke) in 8 as Luke was trained by Yoda in 5 and I assume Rey will be in full badass Jedi glory in 9 as Luke was in 6.

But how can Rey become a Jedi if someone, most likely Luke, becomes the last Jedi in 8?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Movie Review – Sing (2016)

Singing animals.  A koala bear hustler.  A mouse who can channel Sinatra.

BQB here with a review of Sing.

Non-Disney animation studios have always been at a disadvantage.  They’ve put out some great, funny films over the years, but rarely do they ever churn out something that could be called a “classic.”

Disney’s got the schmaltzy, heart string tugging formula down and it doesn’t hurt that they have a couple of parks to indoctrinate kids into their universe at a young age either.

I think Illumination, the studio who gave us those pesky minions, have brought us an instant classic with Sing.

Matthew (“Aw right, aw right, aw right”) McConaughey voices producer/down on his luck charlatan Buster Moon, a koala bear desperately trying to save the theater his father helped him build.  He thinks an American Idol-esque singing contest will do the trick, but alas, a typo on the advertising flyers courtesy of his incompetent secretary/iguana Miss Crawly lands him in hot water.

Finalists include:

  • Rosita (Reese Witherspoon) – A pig/stay at home mom who feels her vocal talents are being wasted in a life spent washing clothes and grocery shopping.
  • Mike (Seth MacFarlane) – A mouse who sings like Frank Sinatra with a gambling program that has left him in hock to a bunch of angry bears.
  • Ash (Scarlett Johansson) – A punk rocker porcupine, or “punkupine” if you will, trying to decide whether or not to stick with her loser boyfriend/bandmate or strike out on her own.
  • Johnny (Taron Egerton) – A gorilla forced into a life of crime by his bank robbing father.
  • Meena (Tori Kelly) – A shy elephant who would be a great singer if she can just get up the nerve.

Along the way, there are frogs who appropriately sing Van Halen’s Jump, bunnies who pay tribute to Sir Mix-a-Lot, and an alligator who sings the Humpty Dance.

Each character has his/her own reasons for wanting to win the contest and by the end of the film you find yourself rooting for all of them.  The kids will enjoy it but you will too.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.

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Movie Review – Colossal (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.

I caught a glimpse of this trailer today and it looks pretty cool.

Anne Hathaway is upset that a giant monster has started destroying the city.  After awhile, she realizes, for some bizarre, unexplained reason, that the monster mimics her movements and is essentially under her control.

What say you, 3.5?

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Movie Review – Patriots Day (2016)

Wacky Boston accents.  Explosions.  Mark Wahlberg wants you to say hello to your mother for him.

BQB here with a review of Patriots Day.

It’s not easy to make a movie about real, tragic events.  First, there’s the possibility that people might be offended by the idea of Hollywood making a buck off of other people’s misery.

Second, real life often does not provide cookie cutter storylines.  Thus, movies like these often come across as well-acted documentaries instead of an actual cinematic story.

Mark “I’m From Boston So I Have to Be in All of the Boston Movies that Ben Affleck Isn’t In, Kid” Wahlberg leads the cast as Sgt.Tommy Saunders, a chronic pain sufferer forced to work crowd control on the Boston Marathon as a punishment.  Saunders is in the dog house with the department for unspecified reasons, but he’s assured this assignment will return him to good standing.

What begins as a fun event quickly turns tragic when bombs go off.  Scenes of mayhem, carnage, responders assisting people who have lost limbs, blood, body parts etc.  Personally, I could have done without seeing that, though I understand the overall goal was to explain to the viewer the pain, both physical and mental, that people experienced due to this attack.

Throughout the film, we are introduced to various people from all walks of life, from a young studious couple who end up losing their legs, to the poor unfortunate MIT police officer who is in the wrong place at the wrong time, to the dude who’s just checking his text messages when he gets kidnapped by a pair of terrorists and forced to go on a scary ride as their hostage.

Things get more interesting as the hunt for bombers/terrorist brothers Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev gets underway.  Kevin Bacon and John Goodman are among the actors who play the assorted suits in charge.

One part that caught my attention was how technology made a big impact on the investigation.  Officers collected cell phones from the scene and were flooded with emails from citizens who had been recording footage.  Based on all that data, the authorities were able to find images of the two suspects.

It all concludes in a frightening chase/stand-off in Watertown, where the Tsarnaevs shoot at and hurl homemade bombs at police officers.  The scenes rival any action packed summer blockbuster.  Intriguing to watch until you realize…this actually happened.  Dun dun dun.

Overall, I felt the film treated the event with respect, though there has been some controversy.  For example, there have been some reports that Dennis Simmonds, a black police officer who was injured during the Watertown shootout, then died a year later from his wounds, was not granted any screen time.  Way to go, Hollywood.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  It runs long.  You could wait to rent it, though the Watertown shoot out scene is pretty intense on the big screen.  Again, I do say that reluctantly, as this stuff actually happened.

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Movie Review: Live By Night (2017)

Tommy guns!  Dizzy dames!  Ben Affleck in a white suit mumbling incoherently.

Youse guys better check out this movie if youse know what’s good for youse, see?

BQB here with the 1930s period piece/screen adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s historical crime novel, Live By Night.

Ben “Look At Me, I’m From Boston So I Have to Be in All the Boston Movies, Kid” Affleck stars as stick up man Joe Coughlin, a petty thug/World War I veteran who, despite being Irish, rises up through the ranks of the Italian mob on a mission of vengeance against the rival mobster who killed the maul he loved.

It’s a great premise.  It’s fun to see the past brought to life on the big screen.  Historic films rarely do well at the box office anymore, so it’s great to see Hollywood sticking up for them anyway.

Further, we’ve seen gangster era New York on screen, but its rare to see somewhere like Boston in the thirties.

My main complaint is the film tends to wander.  The whole point of the film is Joe seeking revenge, but he takes a roundabout zig zag approach to it instead of a straight line.  Halfway through the film you start to forget what Joe is up to.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Probably the best you’re going to see on screen in January.

 

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Glengarry Glen Ross: Self-Publishing Edition (Or, Always Be Self-Publishing)

BQB’s EDITORIAL NOTE:  3.5 readers, I heard a rumor you guys are struggling with your self-publishing ventures lately, so I invited a special guest speaker to come in and motivate you.  Please welcome a young Alec Baldwin in his prime.

Blake:

Let me have your attention for a moment!  So you’re talking about what?  You’re talking about…(puts out his cigarette)…bitching about that book launch you shot, some son of a bitch reader that doesn’t want to read your book, somebody that doesn’t want to read what you’re writing, some broad you’re trying to screw but she won’t screw you because writers never get laid and so forth.  Let’s talk about something important.  Are they all here?

Williamson:

All but one.

Blake: 

Well, I’m going anyway.  Let’s talk about something important.  (To Levene) Put that coffee down!  Coffee’s for self-publishers only.  (Levene scoffs).  Do you think I’m fucking with you?  I am not fucking with you.  I’m here from downtown.  I’m here from a primo e-book sales site.  I’m here on a mission of mercy.  Your name’s Levene?

Levene:

Yeah.

Blake:

You call yourself a self-publisher, you son of a bitch?

Moss:

I don’t have to listen to this shit.

Blake:

You certainly don’t, pal.  ‘Cause the good news is you’re fired from my platform.  The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs as self-publishers, starting tonight.  Starting with tonight’s word count session.  Oh, have I got your attention now?  Good.  ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s self-publishing contest.  As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado.  Anyone want to see second prize?  Second prize is a box of steak knives.  (Holds up box of knives).

Third prize is you’re fired.  You get the picture.  You laughing now?  You’ve got words.  That fuck who wrote the dictionary went to a lot of trouble to get you those words.  Think about the right word combinations and write them!

You can’t finish writing a book with the words you’ve been given then you can’t write for shit.  You ARE shit, so hit the bricks pal and beat it because you are going out!

Levene:

The words are weak.

Blake:

‘The words are weak.’  The fucking words are weak?  You’re weak. I’ve been in the self-publishing business for fifteen years.  That’s right.  I went back in time and told myself to start self-publishing before any of this shit was even invented.

Moss:

What’s your name?

Blake:

Fuck you!  That’s my name.  You know why, Mister?  Because you wrote your novel tonight on a bargain basement, second hand Dell and I wrote my novel on a state of the art, top of the line Mac Book Pro.  That’s my name!

(To Levene) – And your name is “you’re wanting to self-publish but you’re too chicken shit to get off your ass and do it.”  You can’t play in a man’s game.  You can’t close out a book.

(To Everyone) – Because only one thing counts in this life!  Get readers to read your books!  Do you hear me, you fucking losers?

(Blake points to a blackboard.  Two sets of letters are written on it:  “ABS” and “ADIY.”)

Blake:

A-B-C.  A-always, B-be, S-self-publishing.  Always be self-publishing!  Always be self-publishing.

A-D-I-Y.  Always Do It Yourself.  Stop waiting for those traditional publishing pricks to give you the keys to the golden kingdom because it’s never going to happen.  Are you going to do it yourself?  I know you are because it’s fuck or walk.  You self-publish or you hit the bricks!

Do it yourself!  Who else are you going to do it for?  Christ?  Take action.  Get out there!

You’ve got the readers coming in.  You think they came in to get out of the rain?  The guy doesn’t come to your online book sales page unless he wants to read.  He is sitting out there waiting to give you his money!

Are you gonna take it?  Are you man enough to take it?  (to Moss) What’s the problem pal?  You!  Moss!

Moss:

You’re such a hero.  You’re so rich.  Why are you coming down here just to waste your time on a bunch of bums?

(Blake takes off his gold watch and shows it to Moss).

Blake:

You see this watch?  You see this watch?

Moss:

Yeah.

Blake:

This watch costs more than your car.  I made $970,000 on self-publishing last year, mostly on one book that had a really descriptive scene about a giant pair of titties.  How much did you make?  You see, pal, that’s who I am.  And you’re nothing.  Nice guy?  I don’t give a shit.  Good father?  Fuck you.  Go home and play with your kids.

(To everyone) – You want to self-publish here?  Finish writing a book!  You think this is abuse?  You think this is abuse, you cocksuckers?  You can’t take this, how are you going to take it when your book gets a one star review?

You don’t like it?  Leave.  I can go out there tonight with the words you’ve got and write myself fifteen thousand books.  Tonight!  In two hours!  Can you?  Can you?  Go and do likewise!

A-D-I-Y!  Get mad!  Get mad, you sons of bitches!  You know what it takes to sell books?

(Blake pulls a set of brass balls out of his brief case and dangles it in front of his crotch).

Blake:

It takes a set of brass balls to sell books.

Go and do likewise, gents.  The money’s out there.  You pick it up?  It’s yours.  You don’t?  I have no sympathy for you.  You wanna go out on those word count sessions tonight and rack up big counts then those words are yours.  If not, you’re going to be shining my shoes.

Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar.  (Speaks in a sad tone).  “Oh yeah, I used to be a self-publisher.  It’s a tough racket.”

(Blake takes a stack of index cards out of his briefcase).

These are the new words.  These are the Glengarry words.  And to you, they’re gold.  And you don’t get them.  Why?  Because to give these words to you would be to just throw them away.

These words are for self-publishers.  I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.

(To Moss) – And to answer your question, pal.  Why am I here?  I came here because the book sales site asked me to.  They asked me for a favor.  I said, ‘The real favor?  Follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.’

(Blake heads into interior office).

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Joseph Fiennes Have Been Cast to Play Michael Jackson?

Hey 3.5 readers.

As an aspiring comedy writer, I have to say that on the surface, a plot in which Liz Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando driving in a car together from New York to California after planes were shut down in the aftermath of 9/11 sounds like gold.

I’m not talking about the 9/11 part, obviously.  But Elizabeth Taylor and all her husbands, Marlon Brando eating himself silly and talking gibberish in a depressed tone and Michael Jackson?  Well, I suppose we don’t need to rehash his problems.

Urban Myths is a British TV show that portrays myths circulating about famous people and the casting of Fiennes, a white man, as Jackson has been talked about for a long time.

When I first heard about the casting last year, my immediate reaction was, well, normally you should not have a white man play a black man but Michael was that rare case where his skin color turned white.  Thus, even though Michael was a black man it just wouldn’t make sense to have, say, Ving Rhames or Samuel L. Jackson play him.

But then I saw the result in this Inside Edition clip and, yeah, I am now going to backpedal and say the decision was terrible:

 

Michael Jackson, as a character on film, is a very difficult character to portray.  The man had so many plastic surgeries that by the end of his life he looked like some kind of humanoid space goblin.  Thus, it’s hard to make an actor look like Michael without adding some wacky prosthetics that, let’s face it, are just going to offend everyone.

They just didn’t do a good job here.  The way Fiennes is made up, he looks nothing like Jackson.  He just looks like a white guy with a messed up face.  Cue, “Mike also looked like a white guy with a messed up face” joke here, but whereas Michael looked like a space goblin, Fiennes just looks like a white guy who went a few rounds in a boxing match and lost.

If I were making a Michael Jackson movie like this, the best option I think would probably be to cast a white guy, put a Jackson wig on him or that hat he always wore, and then put those big sunglasses he used to wear and the black bandana thing he wore over his face.  He was a germophobe so it would make sense.  You might cast a light skinned black man but I mean, it’d have to be a really light skinned black man.

Other than that, there’s just no real way to cast Jackson and/or make an actor look like Jackson without offending everyone.

Curious about the whole shebang, I searched for MJ impersonators on YouTube and found a whole variety of dudes of varying ethnic backgrounds who managed to pull it off far better than this show did…so it can be done.

It’s too bad.  Liz, Mike and Marlon in a car together sounds like a hysterical idea, but without handling it properly, the whole thing tanks.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

 

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