Tag Archives: Movies

Nov 07 2016
2 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – Hacksaw Ridge (2016)

Sometimes a conscientious objector can still be a badass, 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a review of Hacksaw Ridge.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING

This film tells the story of Desmond Doss (Andrew Garfield), an Army medic who became the first conscientious objector to win the Medal of Honor after saving seventy-five men during the Battle of Hacksaw Ridge in World War II Japan.

Having experienced too much violence as a young man, the devoutly religious Doss vows to never commit violence and would rather die than hurt anyone, even if that someone is about to hurt him.

Naturally, the Army is puzzled as to why the hell he voluntarily signed-up if he won’t carry a rifle.

His superiors, played by Vince Vaughn and Sam Worthington, go out of their way to get him tossed out of the army as they can’t fathom the idea of a soldier who is unwilling to learn how to shoot a weapon.

Will Doss earn their respect in the end?

The first half of the film is a tad hokey.  Lots of war movie cliches mixed in with Doss’ battle with the brass to pass basic training without touching a gun.

The second half is a blood and guts fest. Explosions and gun fire galore. Stabbings, mutilations, flame throwers, grenades, missing limbs, all kinds of gore.

Movies are able to speak with images and the message the director is giving us is, “war is hell.”

Some films and the overall media try to capture what it is like to be a soldier and fail.  Patriotic movies are all well and good but this movie takes us onto the battle field in all of its “Holy shit my friend just got his face blown off and now a guy is stabbing me and holy crap my face is on fire and my leg just got blown off!” butt puckering glory.

Thus, if you want to join the army, make sure you’re joining for the right reasons (not just because a spiffy uniform is involved) and understand there will be many butt puckering moments you won’t be able to even comprehend until you face them.

Further, politicians should consider what soldiers must go through during war time and avoid war at all costs.

That’s the message I took away from it, anyway.

It’s definitely an underdog story as Doss takes heaps of abuse from his unit for his non-violent ways only to prove his bravery and save tons of men on the battlefield.

Speaking of underdogs, Mel Gibson’s career is also on the line here.

You remember Mel, don’t you?

Beloved actor/director. Starred in and directed a lot of great movies. Had a reputation of “Well, if Mel’s in it then it will be good” and then he had some, well, I won’t get into the details but let’s just say some well documented breakdowns.

Since then, he’s starred in some films that were sort of blah.  This is Hollywood letting him at the helm with a big budget and a great script so…I mean the film is fabulous Oscar bait and though I don’t wear my emotion on my sleeve, even I found myself crying as Desmond proved all the naysayers wrong…

…but, it is still hard to get over those nasty rants, Mel.  I don’t know.  You might have to cure cancer or something.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and worth a trip to the theater for the explosions, but skip the popcorn if you don’t want to hurl once the guts and limbs and assorted body parts start flying.

Tagged , , , , , , ,
Nov 06 2016
Leave a comment
Movies

Movie Trailer -Wonder Woman

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here again with another movie trailer, this time for Wonder Woman.

From the outset, I like it.

It’s got fine ass Amazonian warrior babes which is what I want to see in a Wonder Woman movie, and also at BQB Headquarters at all times.

It looks like effort has been made to produce a story line, which is an improvement over that Batman vs. Superman garbage we were given earlier this year.

I am slightly concerned that maybe they’re just bogarting the Captain America movie – i.e. they’re both superheroes that fought in a war a long time ago and then end up in modern times.

B vs S sucked. I did not think that Suicide Squad sucked though the critics did.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed that Wonder Woman will leave me and the critical world happy.

Tagged , , , , ,
Nov 06 2016
Leave a comment
Movies

Movie Trailer – The LEGO Batman Movie

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

The LEGO movie really took everyone by surprise.

They’re back now with LEGO Batman.

The trailer looks great.  It’s Batman for kids, but it looks like they’ll get into some of Batman’s issues and make fun of him.

The part that made me laugh was Commissioner Gordon (Barbara Gordon this time around) proposes to work with Batman.

Batman doesn’t like that, assumedly because he prefers to be an outlaw.

Tagged , , , , , ,
Nov 05 2016
Leave a comment
Movies

Not Really a Movie Review – Trolls (2016)

Sooo…yeah.  I had to go see this cartoon based on desk toys that have been around forever.

It was better than I expected and that was largely based on music…i.e. the trolls sing a variety of hits.  They are some very musically inclined trolls.

Oh and one of them farts sprinkles and sings in autotune.

Honestly, without the cloud that demands a high five the whole thing would have been pointless.

That’s about it 3.5 readers.  See it or don’t.

 

Tagged , , ,
Oct 30 2016
5 Comments
Movies

A Movie Observation – Older Men and Younger Women

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’ve seen three movies this week.

I know. I have no life.

But here’s what I noticed:

The Accountant – Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick – not sure of the age difference, Anna is in her thirties and Ben’s in his forties so I’ll guess maybe ten years or so.

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – Cobie Smulders is in her thirties. Tom Cruise is in his fifties.

Inferno – Tom Cruise is sixty and Felicity Jones is in her early thirties.

Older men. Younger women.

I’ll say from the outset, in all three of these movies, the men and the women don’t boink.

Oh sorry. SPOILER ALERT- they don’t boink.  Sorry, I ruined it if you were hoping they’d boink.

There’s some minor flirting between Cobie and Tom, a suggestion maybe they’d hook up in a relationship if their lives weren’t so chaotic.

Ben’s character is autistic and troubled and probably wouldn’t know what to do with a woman though he finds some happiness just from talking to and opening up to Anna’s character.

Robert Langdon and Dr. Sienna Brooks have nothing more than a professional relationship. He’s a professor in trouble and she’s a doctor who decides to save him. There’s no love interest and SPOILER ALERT Langdon pines, in a first for Hollywood, for a woman his own age.

But its something I noticed just because it happened in three movies in a row.  Maybe its something. Maybe its nothing.

These movies probably aren’t even good subjects for the conversation since the men and the women only work together.

But it led me to a question – does art imitate life? Does life imitate art?

I’m speaking generally here but here’s my understanding of men and women:

  • Men seek pretty women because they make them feel important and powerful, life if they walk into a room with a hot babe on their arm them everyone must think that dude is awesome because he has snagged a hot babe.
  • Women aren’t slouches when it comes to wanting a hot dude but they also want a rich, successful dude.
  • Attractiveness is a young person’s game and success takes so much time that it is an old person’s game, ergo, you end up seeing a lot of older men with younger women on screen because Hollywood suits decide this is what people want. The older, successful men want that arm candy. The women want a man that doesn’t live with his mother and can pick up a check.

Am I right?  Am I wrong?

I don’t know.

I could be reading too much into it.

Much of it also involves the plot.

For example (just assume SPOILERS for all three movies and don’t read on if you don’t want them spoiled) in the Accountant, Anna plays a junior accountant who finds a discrepancy in the books that leads to a major conspiracy being uncovered.

So in that case, Ben as the more experienced accountant (and professional assassin in his spare time) has to help the younger accountant out of the jam she finds herself in.

OK.  It fits the plot.

And then in Jack Reacher you have a female Navy Major Turner who’s been through some shit and the ex-military policeman Jack who has been through some shit and if you don’t factor in their ages and consider that Tom is better preserved that most fifty year olds so perhaps he’s playing a younger character…yeah ok, the idea of those two ending up together isn’t that out of the ordinary.

And as previously mentioned, Langdon, like Hanks, is, well its rude to say old but older and Dr. Sienna is younger but the idea of a romance is never broached so I suppose if you start making rules then you could never have a movie where an older and a younger person team up against evil.

I have no idea where I’m going with this other than I wonder if I’m right or wrong – do women prefer old men who are successful and are willing to over look their saggy, wrinkly balls as long as they are loaded?

Do men prefer attractive women as long as they…nah I’m not going to finish that question we know the answer.

But I’d again reiterate I don’t think there’s a plethora of women out there who prefer ugly men and I should know because I am super ugly and I don’t think that I’d suddenly get a lot of babes if I were to become super rich and super successful because the women wouldn’t be able to get over my ugliness.

Oh and also Video Game Rack Fighter has sunk her hooks into me and she is a keeper as she ignores my ugliness and lack of success.

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

Tagged , , , , ,
Oct 30 2016
Leave a comment
Movies

Movie Review – Inferno (2016)

Do I…do I even have a life anymore?

Three movie reviews in one week, BQB?

BQB, why are you talking about yourself in the third person?

I don’t know.

Art! Italy! Puzzles! Symbols! History!

I know. They don’t become more exciting when you add the question mark. Jeb! Bush taught us that.

BQB here with a review of the new thriller, Inferno.

America’s Dad Tom Hanks returns as noted symbologist/puzzle solver Professor Robert Langdon to round out the films based on Dan Brown’s Langdon books (The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, respectively).

In the prior two films, Langdon ends up running around Europe examining art and old relics in a race against time to stop some bad guy from doing some bad shit and he usually ends up with some hot chick running around with him.

Holy shit. I can do that. Why don’t I have as many as many readers as Dan Brown?

Honestly, 3.5 readers. You guys have to get off your asses and get me more readers. Try to be more like Dan Browns’ readers and become a ridiculously large amount of readers.

Getting back to the review, Langdon is once again running around Europe in the company of a hot chick. This time the chick is Dr. Sienna Brooks (Felicity Jones, who between this film and the upcoming highly anticipated Star Wars: Rogue One in which she plays the lead character Jyn Erso, that squirrel toothed hottie is having herself one fantastic ass Fall).

You know 3.5, after seeing 2009’s Angels and Demons, I wondered if maybe Dan Brown’s books didn’t translate that well to film. I’d read A + D and found that Brown took a lot of time explaining the history and context between the artwork that Langdon was examining and it was almost like reading a professorial treatise with lots of action thrown in to keep me from snoring.

The films lose that aspect due to the fast pace nature of a riveting movie.  Still, I think Director Ron Howard aka Opie makes up for it because in this third installment, you jump right into the action immediately.

Robert Langdon wakes up in a hospital with a head wound and amnesia, no idea how he got there.

Dr. Brooks is his treating physician and takes it upon herself to save the wounded Langdon from incoming bad dudes.

From there, the game is on as somehow Langdon has the secret to stopping a mad man’s plan to release the Plague (yes, the damn Plague!) upon the world.  As you can guess from the film’s title, Langdon will have to use his professorial knowledge of Dante’s Inferno to solve this caper.

Ben Foster, who played a douche bank robber in this year’s Hell or Highwater continues to cement his status as douchey character actor by playing the douche who is convinced that the world’s population is growing at such an alarming rate that the only way to save the planet is to kill off a bunch of people with a medieval virus.

What a douche.

I don’t want to give away much more.  As in the other two films, I do walk away feeling like I received a history lesson that didn’t put me to sleep, though at times the plot was confusing.

Felicity, I’m sorry I said you have squirrel teeth. Your teeth are adorable. I’m glad your career is taking off and I look forward to seeing more of you and your teeth on the big screen in the future.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

Tagged , , , , ,
Oct 29 2016
1 Comment
Movies

Top Ten Halloween Movies

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

shutterstock_115934428

Bleh!

3.5 readers, you have spent the past month defeating many vampires with my sage wisdom, so now it is time to treat yourself to a monster movie marathon!

Without further ado, here is a list of the Top Ten Horror Films you should watch this Halloween:

#10 – Night of the Living Dead (1968)

George A. Romero invented the zombie genre with his 1968 classic.  It’s low budget but that’s ok.  Creepy hands busting through the walls of a house cost little but scare lots.

“They’re coming to get you Barbara.”  Scary!

#9 – Nightmare on Elm Street Series (Started in 1984 then Kind of Went On Forever)

Notorious child murderer Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) beats a murder rap on a technicality but gets burned alive by neighborhood parents in an act of vigilante justice.

Freddy, with his burned up face, fedora, striped turtleneck sweater and razor glove, ends up haunting teenagers’ dreams and somehow, if he kills them in a dream, they die in real life, thus the teens must avoid sleeping.

So…OK…not exactly a feel good family friendly movie. But the first film does give us a young Johnny Depp and ironically, he’s not the one in all the makeup in this picture.

Directed by horror legend Wes Craven.

#8 – Friday the 13th (Long Running Franchise that Began in 1980)

As a young lad, Jason Voorhees drowns at Crystal Lake because the teenage counselors were incompetent as shit and thats what you get for sending your kid to live under the care of dumb hormonal teenage camp counselors who, let’s face it, aren’t that much smarter than your kid to begin with.

Hell, if they were to remake this movie today, Jason would be drowning while all the teenage counselors busy themselves with cell phone selfies.

But like Elsa, Jason is not able to let it go.  He comes back again and again, always in a hockey mask, slashing away to the point where you honestly wonder why someone doesn’t shut this damn camp down.

Not that it would matter as Jason takes his show on the road, goes up against Freddy Kruger in Jason vs. Freddy and even ends up in space in the year 2455 in 2001’s shark jumping Jason X.

Don’t send your kids to camp, 3.5 readers.

#7 – Scream (1996)

This 1990s film and its sequels sought to parody the slasher film tropes of the 1970s and 1980s by featuring a killer who is obsessed with horror tropes vs. teens who use their horror trope knowledge to survive for as long as they can.

The opening scene with Drew Barrymore answering a call only to get a creepy question, “Do you like scary movies?” is iconic. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette (as incompetent law man Dewey) are at their best in this and it makes me sad so much time has past because it feels like this movie was just out in the box office yesterday but alas, as I write this, I realize it has been 20 years.

Boo! I have survived Ghostface but time, that sneakiest of all killers, is slowly getting me.

#6 – Scary Movie (2000)

The Wayans Brothers walked a fine line when they parodied Scream, which was, in and of itself, a parody of slasher movies.  But whereas Scream featured enough seriousness to keep the plot moving, Scary Movie was an all out lampooning of the horror genre.

The subsequent sequels have been cringeworthy suggesting that people today just don’t get the Zucker-esque, Airplane style slapstick that the Wayans Brothers loved in the past.

But the original gave us the adorable Anna Farris and to this day, whenever I see a woman on the big screen running away from a killer, I find myself echoing the advice of Shorty Meeks (Marlon Wayons) – “Run, bitch! Run!”

Don’t trip and fall.  Don’t go upstairs. Don’t stand around. Just run, bitch. Run bitch, indeed.

#5 – The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson stars as Jack Torrance, a writer who takes a gig as the caretaker of a hotel.  The winters in the hotel’s area are so bad that he’s told up front that he’ll be snowed in and stir crazy for months.

Get paid to sit around and write?  Sounds like a gig my 3.5 readers/aspiring writers and I would be into.

Alas, the hotel is creepy as hell, Jack loses his mind, grabs an axe, and terrorizes his wife (Shelley Duvall) and young son, Danny (Danny Lloyd.)

“Redrum!”

“Here’s Johnny!”

#4 – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

It’s on the list because it does have a cult following amongst horror fans but I particularly don’t care for it because this film, its sequels, and other films like it i.e. The Hills Have Eyes give us more of a look into the gore than necessary.

When we’re talking horror movies, all that is necessary for the audience to see is a knife slash, a blood spurt, a dead body on the fall. No need to go all out and show people being hacked up in gruesome detail.

I mean, seriously, I’m a vampire and even I get grossed out by this, bleh!

#3 – The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

To the best of my knowledge, this is the only horror film that has received the Oscar for best picture.

Now, there are people who will argue that this film is really a mystery with horror undertones but come on, when you have a dude that eats liver with fava beans and a nice chianti, that’s some scary shit.

Forget the werewolves and the zombies that you’ll never see. Forget the vampires that you’ll only see when you read my columns on this pitiful blog.

This film took the audience into scary minds of two twisted serial killers, Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill, two men who managed to fool society into thinking they were harmless for years until their addiction to murder was exposed.

Bleh! Now that’s some scary shit.

Jodie Foster as Clarice Starling, stumbling about in the dark while Bill gets up close with his night vision goggles and she doesn’t know that he’s right next to her?

Bleh! Scary shit.

I’m a vampire and even I don’t want to put the lotion in the basket.

2002’s Red Dragon is also a worthwhile prequel, telling the story of how FBI agent Will Graham (Ed Norton) caught Lecter and then used his advice to track down “the Tooth Fairy” killer.

2001’s Hannibal and 2007’s Hannibal Rising I say, at the risk of becoming Hannibal’s dinner, not worth your time.  They are very bleh, bleh.

#2 – Saw (2004)

2004’s Saw and its sequels upped the ante as serial killer Jigsaw, introduced to his victims as a puppet who appears on video with a sinister voice, puts people into elaborate traps in which they must do terrible, horrible things to themselves and others in order to survive.

The violence is disgusting and over the top but as mindless as it all seems, the film does have a message – stop complaining about how hard life is and how you wish it was over because if you were actually stuck in a life threatening situation, your survival instinct would kick in and you would do something horrible to survive.

Appreciate life, 3.5 readers. It is better than the alternative, bleh.

#1 – Halloween (1978) 

The slasher film to end all slasher films. Some might say this film is where all those slasher film tropes began.

As a boy, a young troubled Michael Myers slashes his sister to death on Halloween night.  Years later, in 1978, an adult Michael Myers escapes a sanitarium, returns to his old neighborhood and starts slashing away at Laurie Strode (a young Jamie Lee Curtis before she resigned herself to the boy haircut) and her friends.

Multiple sequels and reboots.  They made an H20 (Halloween Twenty Years Later) in 1998 and it saddens me to no end that they could be making an H40 soon.

Bleh, if a slasher doesn’t get you, time will.  Wait, why am I worried? I’m a vampire, bleh.

Honorable Mention

  • Psycho – Norman loves his mother.
  • Hocus Pocus – if you like the costumes and the candy but don’t want to get too scared. A film so old that Sarah Jessica Parker was considered the hot one of the witch trio.
  • Shaun of the Dead and/or Young Frankenstein – if you want to laugh on Halloween
  • The Exorcist – Yeah, this should have made the list, come to think of it. The scariest film yet about demonic possession, so scary that Hollywood probably could never top it.
  • Carrie – Another by the master of horror, Stephen King.  Unpopular girl.  Popular kids play a cruel joke on her.  Her telekinetic mind powers flare and chaos ensues.  Be nice to everyone, 3.5 readers. You never know who has telekinetic powers.
  • The Blair Witch Project – Released in 1999, the filmmakers behind it did a lot with very little.  The premise was that this film was “found footage” i.e. a tape a bunch of youngsters made while carrying their camcorder around in the woods while looking for a witch.  Its mostly shaky hand held footage of kids running away and screaming though it is scary and creepy.  Sadly, due to its success, it inspired countless films where newcomers to the movie industry with low budgets shoot their films as “found footage” or as one character holding the camera and they’re all just awful. Totally awful.  It worked one time and will never work again so stop doing it, bleh.
  • Dawn of the Dead – George A. Romero returns 10 years later in 1978 with a film about a zombie takeover of a shopping mall.  Kids, a shopping mall was a place that people went to in order to purchase goods and supplies.  They existed long before Amazon figured out how to fly crap to your house via drones.

Bleh! Did I miss your favorite scary movie, 3.5 readers?

Share in the comments, bleh.

Tagged , , , , , , ,
Oct 29 2016
3 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016)

So a hot babe and a short man walk into a bar…

BQB here with a review of Jack Reacher: Never Go Back.

Author Lee Child has a loyal following for his Jack Reacher novels which chronicle the life of an ex-Military Police officer as he wanders the earth and solves mysteries, beats up bad guys, and rattles off quips and one-liners.

I’ve never read them but people who have tell me they’re excellent.  A few told me that when the 2012 Jack Reacher film came out, their main disappointment was that Tom “Shortest Man in Hollywood” Cruise was cast to play a man who, according to the books, is nearly seven feet tall and all muscle.

And just throwing it out there – there probably aren’t a whole helluvalot of parts out there for an aspiring actor who is close to seven feet tall so the Cruise Missile probably could have allowed some exceptionally tall actor to have this one but oh well.

My take on the first Jack Reacher film is about the same as this one – there’s lots of action that you can eat your popcorn to but then there’s also a lot of snore worthy information being thrown out you to the point where it feels like you’re watching an extended Law and Order episode.

Like most mystery movies, I, at some point, just start nodding at the screen. “Yup. Uh huh. So and so worked here, now he does this, and he was seen there and he transferred some money and a witness said this so uh huh…yeah…no please don’t draw it out any longer I’ll just take your word for it that he’s the bad guy because I am too busy to get a notebook and a pen and sketch this all out in a diagram.”

Cobie Smulders, as her name suggests, is smolderingly hot.  I’ve always liked her as an actress, going back to her How I Met Your Mother days.

Like her character Robin in that show, she seems intelligent and hot, a babe who has read a book or two.

Jack Reacher as a movie character is hard to pin down.  Is he the American anti-Bond?  He has little patience and does not suffer fools lightly so he does a lot of fighting and insulting but not much charming or beguiling.

Cruise is OK in the role if you can get over his lack of height.  At times, you lose track of the fact that Cobie and Cruise are supposed to be romantically interested in one another because it looks more like a hot chick is being forced to drag around her elderly yet well preserved due to Scientology alien worship uncle.

I won’t give away the plot, mostly because I can’t because I never did draw that diagram, but basically Cobie’s character, Major Turner, is framed for espionage by bad dudes doing bad things and it is up to Reacher to clear her good name.

Together, they go on the run and along the way, they rescue Samantha (Danika Yarosh) who may or may not be Jack’s daughter because Jack may or may not have banged her mother because Jack bangs a lot of chicks and doesn’t remember their names or anything.

So he is the American Bond!

There are some plot holes and questionable choices. Case in point – when Turner and Reacher are on the lam, Turner talks a cabbie into giving her his baseball cap.

From thereon, Turner wears the hat around town as if the hat provides her with some kind of cover but she’s still a hot chick with big boobs wearing military fatigues and the bad guys are aware that they’re supposed to be looking for a hot chick with big boobs in military fatigues so…I’m not sure the hat did her much good but oh well. She tried.

I’m happy for the Cobe-ster. She’s been plugging away at the Hollywood game a long time and though she has had a supporting role in The Avengers movies for awhile, this is her first lead role in a major film and hopefully we’ll see her in more.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but more of a rental.

Tagged , , , , , ,
Oct 29 2016
5 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Things You Should Never Do in a Horror Movie/Slasher Film

shutterstock_258824258.jpg

Imagine it, 3.5 readers.

You’ve been transported into a horror film.

Not just any horror film…a slasher film!

Yes, there’s a murderer on the loose and you and your friends must survive.

Fear not.  I have watched many of these movies and I can fully advise you on what NOT to do:

#10 – Don’t Run Upstairs

Hello dummy. You’re upstairs. Now you’re down to two options – 1) jump out a window and die when you hit the ground or b) be gruesomely murdered.

It’s just common sense, people.

#9 – Don’t Be a Dick

Whoever is the douchiest usually gets it first.  The audience is eased into the concept that characters are going to be murdered by killing off the person who said and/or did something mean first.

I mean, we don’t want to see anyone murdered on screen but if someone has to, it might as well be that bimbo who stole the female lead’s boyfriend or called her a mean name or something.

#8 – Don’t Neglect Regular Car Maintenance

Get your oil changed. Get your routine maintenance. Replace your fan belt and your fluids. Get your engine checked.

Do not drive to that creepy cabin in the woods before a fully qualified mechanic (and I’m talking someone who takes pride in their work and not that lowlife schmuck at the corner gas station) has inspected and tended to your car.

Otherwise, your car will not start and then you’re just stuck there while the killer is bashing in your windshield.

#7 – Don’t Go Into the Basement

Similar to “don’t go upstairs” except when you’re in the basement, there’s not even a window to jump out of.  You’re just stuck in there with the killer, dumb ass.

#6 – Don’t Have Sex

I don’t know why but insane killers always ice people who are humping.  I’m no Dr. Freud, but I can only assume that insane killers don’t get a lot of sex and therefore they get angry and lash out at the people who are fornicating first.

#5 – Don’t Take a Shower

Why the eff are you taking a shower when there’s a killer on the loose? How you smell is the least of your worries and your boobs are only being shown for gratuitous boob footage and then once shown your purpose to the audience has been served and the killer will kill you, most likely while you’re still in the shower for easy clean up.

#4 – Don’t Trip

Get yourself a good pair of boots and watch where you’re going so you don’t stumble on a rock or a stick and break your ankle because then all that leads to is you crying and reaching your hand out for the lead character to come back and rescue you and then the lead character is put into the terrible position of deciding whether to save you or save him/herself and since it looks like you are done for he/she will choose him/herself and keep running only to feel terrible for abandoning you later.

#3 – Don’t Forget to Check Real Estate Records

Never trust a real estate agent.  Do a full, in-depth investigation of the property you are buying, renting, or otherwise visiting.  Search newspapers, county records, talk to the neighbors.

At the very least, get on your iPhone and ask Siri if anyone has been murdered in the house you are buying.

If Siri replies, “Yes, twenty people were murdered in that house, would you like me to do a web search for it?” then don’t buy that house.

#2 – Don’t Split Up

A group of friends that sticks together is a group of friends who can jump a killer and curb stomp him gangster style together.

#1 – Don’t Be Not White

Look, if you read this blog, you know I’m not politically correct at all, but I’ll give the super PC people this one.

Hollywood wants to be diverse so they’ll give the hero a non-white friend so that the studio can be all like, “Hooray we love black people!”

But slasher movies more often than not lead to the hero being the last man/woman standing so sorry but, that black friend is going to buy the farm early in the picture.

So if you are black, I’m not sure how to help you other than maybe do that classic Richard Pryor style nerdy white guy voice and the killer might leave you alone for awhile.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Don’t go into that dark, creepy shed filled with tools that can be used to bludgeon yourself.
  • In fact, wherever “there is” listen to all the people in the audience yelling, “Don’t go in there!”
  • If a wise elderly person tells you to do or not do something, then do or don’t do it.
  • Don’t get cheap cell phone service. Go with the company that can give you a full slate of bars even when you’re in the woods.
  • Don’t investigate strange noises on your own. Honestly. Who do you think you are, Rambo? Call the cops before the killer cuts the phone line.
  • Oh right. Don’t be a cop. They always get killed when the hero, who is hiding some where, feels hope because the cop has arrived to investigate but alas, the killer then somehow fools the cop into being killed.
  • Don’t be ugly. You can pretty much judge how long everyone in the group has left to live based on their looks.
  • Don’t tell anyone your touching life story.  That’s usually done to make the audience like you and then feel bad when you get slashed. Keep that shit to yourself.

 

Tagged , , , , , ,
Oct 28 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Bride of Frankenstein

“It’s alive!  It’s alive!”

No seriously, BQB’s Top Ten Girlfriend/Boyfriend Warning Sign Lists live on after a long hiatus.

So without further ado, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be the Bride of Frankenstein.

#10 – She has an electrifying personality, not in the sense that she can carry a conversation well but rather, she needs to get zapped with a damn lightning bolt every day before she gets up and moves around.

#9 – Exceptionally tall hair-do.  No one wants to sit behind her at the movies.

#8 – Frankenstein himself is always shuffling slowly in your general direction in an effort to maul you.  Can’t really blame him. She is “The Bride of Frankenstein” and not “The Bride of Insert Your Name Here” after all, you loathsome pervert.

#7 – She has incredible brute strength, so much so that a little hand action down south is out of the question.

#6 – Screams gibberish at you constantly, all day long.  So…right, like most women.

#5 – Has only been alive for five minutes but still figured out how to do that annoying duck lip selfie that all women insist on doing.

#4 – Spends a fortune on hair spray.

#3 – Has cold feet and cold everything else.

#2 – Asks you if the butt that Doctor Frankenstein sewed on her looks big. There is no acceptable answer that won’t result in you being torn apart other than, “No.”

#1 – Gets mad at you. When you ask her why she’s mad she responds, “Grr! Argh! Me think you know why! Ugh!”

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,
← Older posts
Newer posts →