So a hot babe and a short man walk into a bar…
BQB here with a review of Jack Reacher: Never Go Back.
Author Lee Child has a loyal following for his Jack Reacher novels which chronicle the life of an ex-Military Police officer as he wanders the earth and solves mysteries, beats up bad guys, and rattles off quips and one-liners.
I’ve never read them but people who have tell me they’re excellent. A few told me that when the 2012 Jack Reacher film came out, their main disappointment was that Tom “Shortest Man in Hollywood” Cruise was cast to play a man who, according to the books, is nearly seven feet tall and all muscle.
And just throwing it out there – there probably aren’t a whole helluvalot of parts out there for an aspiring actor who is close to seven feet tall so the Cruise Missile probably could have allowed some exceptionally tall actor to have this one but oh well.
My take on the first Jack Reacher film is about the same as this one – there’s lots of action that you can eat your popcorn to but then there’s also a lot of snore worthy information being thrown out you to the point where it feels like you’re watching an extended Law and Order episode.
Like most mystery movies, I, at some point, just start nodding at the screen. “Yup. Uh huh. So and so worked here, now he does this, and he was seen there and he transferred some money and a witness said this so uh huh…yeah…no please don’t draw it out any longer I’ll just take your word for it that he’s the bad guy because I am too busy to get a notebook and a pen and sketch this all out in a diagram.”
Cobie Smulders, as her name suggests, is smolderingly hot. I’ve always liked her as an actress, going back to her How I Met Your Mother days.
Like her character Robin in that show, she seems intelligent and hot, a babe who has read a book or two.
Jack Reacher as a movie character is hard to pin down. Is he the American anti-Bond? He has little patience and does not suffer fools lightly so he does a lot of fighting and insulting but not much charming or beguiling.
Cruise is OK in the role if you can get over his lack of height. At times, you lose track of the fact that Cobie and Cruise are supposed to be romantically interested in one another because it looks more like a hot chick is being forced to drag around her elderly yet well preserved due to Scientology alien worship uncle.
I won’t give away the plot, mostly because I can’t because I never did draw that diagram, but basically Cobie’s character, Major Turner, is framed for espionage by bad dudes doing bad things and it is up to Reacher to clear her good name.
Together, they go on the run and along the way, they rescue Samantha (Danika Yarosh) who may or may not be Jack’s daughter because Jack may or may not have banged her mother because Jack bangs a lot of chicks and doesn’t remember their names or anything.
So he is the American Bond!
There are some plot holes and questionable choices. Case in point – when Turner and Reacher are on the lam, Turner talks a cabbie into giving her his baseball cap.
From thereon, Turner wears the hat around town as if the hat provides her with some kind of cover but she’s still a hot chick with big boobs wearing military fatigues and the bad guys are aware that they’re supposed to be looking for a hot chick with big boobs in military fatigues so…I’m not sure the hat did her much good but oh well. She tried.
I’m happy for the Cobe-ster. She’s been plugging away at the Hollywood game a long time and though she has had a supporting role in The Avengers movies for awhile, this is her first lead role in a major film and hopefully we’ll see her in more.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but more of a rental.