Tag Archives: novels

May 14 2015
6 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life – An Introduction

FROM THE DESK OF BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER

World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies and Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter, Blogger-In-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

It’s finally here!

BQB and the Meaning of Life starts tomorrow!

BQB and the Meaning of Life starts tomorrow!

Tomorrow, my serial story, Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life begins.  I hope you’ll join me every day for a new bite sized hunk of prose designed to fit easily into your busy schedules.

(People who aren’t busy?  Feel free to read it twice!)

What is the meaning of life?

Read the story and find out.  In this post, I’d rather answer:

Why did I write this story?

From an early age, I wanted to be a writer.  Perhaps you’ve read my first novel, “Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish,” a valiant attempt for a ten year old.

Then I grew up, entered into the real world and decided a career as a writer was an unlikely outcome.  I wouldn’t consider “lottery winner” as a viable career option so why would I put untold amounts of time, money and effort into preparing a manuscript just so it could be filed in the traditional publishing world’s proverbial slush pile?

Let me put it this way.  If you want the “break into traditional publishing” experience, just pay a transient hobo fifty bucks to give you a kick in the nether regions.  You’ll spend less time, effort and money for a similar result.

DISCLAIMER:  The Bookshelf Battle Blog does not recommend you pay a transient hobo to kick you in the nether regions.

I settled into a humdrum lifestyle and though I’m blessed in many ways, I often wonder “what if?”

What if I had kept up with my dream of becoming a writer?  Would I have made it?  Would I have become a household name with my books on everyone’s shelves?

Flashforward to last year.  In March of 2014 I, Bookshelf Q. Battler was drowning my sorrows at Taco Bell (Mmmm…burritos) when it dawned on me:

Stop wishing you’d been a writer. You aren’t old. You aren’t dead. The technology exists. If you want to be a writer, then be a writer.

And with that, I became a writer again.

Now I just need some readers.

Perhaps you’ve heard I have 3.5 of them.  That’s a good start, but I’d like to make it 3.5 million.

Either way Aunt Gertie will be one of them.

I’ve always looked at platform building as a slow war of attrition, a numbers game that crawls at a turtle’s pace.

A couple of blog followers today.  A handful of twitter followers tomorrow.  A few drops in the bucket everyday will eventually lead to a nice full pail.

This summer, I’m going to attempt to fill a lake.

For the past few months, I’ve been working on two projects:

1)  Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life – it will begin tomorrow.

2)  Project X – Still not ready to give you the title, but rest assured of its awesomeness.

These serials will alternate.  It will be BQB for awhile, then Project X, then they will continue on a rotation all summer.

My goal is to leave you wanting more.

For a nerd with a busy lifestyle, it is hard to find time to cram this work in.  Much of it is done late at night, often leaving me exhausted and wondering if it’s worth it.

It’s my dream.  Of course it’s worth it.

Welcome to the Summer of Bookshelf, where I’ll hone my craft, entertain and inspire you, and ask that you give me your honest feedback about how I can improve.

Goals for the future?  This summer will lead to an expanded audience, I finish up a Fall/Winter’s worth of posts thus completing the “One Post a Day for a Year Challenge” and a fire in my belly gets stoked to the point where I’ll make an honest effort to enter the ebook market in 2016.

I’ve always been a results oriented kind of guy.  The more I see coming in, the more effort I’ll put out.

But why a story about a nerd with a magic bookshelf?

Because I am a nerd with a magic bookshelf.

Last year, it was hard coming up with a theme for a book blog.  There are so many of them.  I wanted to be unique.

It came to mind that maybe I’d be the nerd who’d pose his books next to his toy collection:

Master Chief - standing guard over Redshirts

Master Chief – standing guard over Redshirts

And from the outset, the theme was that “the books themselves” were fighting one another for limited shelf space:

Ye, addeth to the Great Scrolls of the Bookshelf Battle, that on March 12, 2014, the Bookshelf Battle did begin.

Since the invention of the printing press, books have been battling for spots on shelves all over the globe. With limited shelf space, available competition can be fierce. Recently, I remodeled my office and added a brand new bookcase. Now I must fill it with brand new books. Join me as I review the latest bestsellers of the day, with the occasional classic thrown in.

Which books will be deemed worthy of being on my shelf? Tune in every week to find out.

– First post on the Bookshelf Battle Blog in 2014

But as the one post a day challenge took over this year, the idea of anthropomorphic books fighting in a reckless manor seemed silly, whereas the concept that small characters could exit the books and go to war against each other over limited shelf space seemed much more reasonable.

Hey, it seems more reasonable to me, anyway.

Meanwhile, I went from being a random blogger to becoming Bookshelf Q. Battler, Owner of the Magic Bookshelf, Caretaker of a Bunch of Tiny and Unruly Book Characters, Proprietor of a Blog with 3.5 Readers, Lord of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters, Master of Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, Sworn Enemy of The Yeti, and Colleague of Alien Jones.

In other words, the excitement in my life has grown exponentially over the past year, all thanks to this blog.

So to finally answer the question of “Why did I write this story?”

Over the past year, we’ve seen this blog morph from one geek’s hobby to a character based online world.

Did you ever watch Pee-Wee’s Playhouse as a kid?  You know, before Paul Reubens’ total disgrace?

(I mean, holy crap, I know that computers weren’t all that big back then but didn’t the guy own a VCR?)

Do you remember how Pee-Wee would waltz into his playhouse and talk to his viewers with the help of various characters?

That’s kind of how I see the Bookshelf Battle Blog – one nerdy character (i.e. Bookshelf Q. Battler) surrounded by other nerdy characters (Alien Jones and The Yeti), with the following exceptions:

1) This blog’s geared toward adult nerds who love books, TV, movies and popular culture.

2)  Oddly enough, it also has a second audience in the tweed wearing literary chin stroker community as I do often discuss the classics.

3)  It’s a bit more high-brow than Pee Wee, though I guess that’s not saying much.

4)  There’s none of…well, you know what Pee Wee did.  (Hey, why’s everyone leaving?  Weirdos).

This story will pull the blog together, entertain the 3.5 readers who’ve been following along so far, and eventually serve as an explanation to those who will wonder what this blog is all about tomorrow.

Tomorrow – that legendary day when I will have a whopping 11.7 readers.

As always, thanks for stopping by.

Good times are ahead.  Comment on the stories.  Tell me what you liked.  Tell me what you didn’t.  Ask questions.  Provide criticism.  I have a thick skin.  I live with a Yeti that hates me.

Come back tomorrow and join in the fun!

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Nerd on top of the world image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Apr 23 2015
3 Comments
Writing

The Summer of Bookshelf

Take a knee 3.5 readers.1371251154-2

It’s time to talk about this summer – “The Summer of Bookshelf.”

For awhile now, I’ve been working on two separate stories:

1)  Bookshelf Q. Battler and The Meaning of Life – Your host, the reclusive Bookshelf Q. Battler, leaves the Bookshelf Battle Compound and heads out into the world on an adventure in search of mankind’s most elusive question:

Why are the Clippers even allowed in the NBA?

Oh wait.  Sorry.  I was looking at the wrong cue card.

What is the meaning of life?

Finally, we’ll learn a bit more about my magical bookshelf and catch a glimpse at some of those fictional characters as they step out of BQB’s books, drive him crazy, and encourage him in his travels.

2)  Top Secret Project – That’s not the name of the story.  I just, for a variety of reasons, don’t want to share the name at the moment.  I’ve had an idea that I’m pretty proud of and I want to shout it from the rooftops but I realize it will be worth the wait to polish it up a bit first.

You folks have been a blast lately.  The hit counter is climbing, the Google Plussers have been particularly helpful, and inspiration continues to strike.

I have a tendency to be one of those people who puts out what he takes in and all I can say is you all deserve a round of applause.

There’s a method to my madness in this post.  I’ve found a rule to be true with me – if I post it on my blog, it happens.  And since I’m tired of dilly dallying and want these stories out there, I’m announcing them.

I hope to get these both started in May, no later than June.

Stick around, 3.5.  It’s going to get all kinds of fabulous up in this joint.

Meanwhile, if you can’t wait, I’ve had a rough draft of the first chapter of BQB and the Meaning of Life up for awhile:  Take a peak and drop me some feedback.

Pencil graphic courtesy of Keistutis on openclipart.org

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Mar 26 2015
16 Comments
Writing

The State of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Novel Writing Adventures

Dismal.

Or, maybe not.

As the 3.5 are aware, I’ve whined about this subject a bit.

My problem?  I keep coming up with ideas that are so grand, so sweeping, so involved – so many places, characters, moving parts, things going on.

As a newbie, a book like that feels like biting off more than I can chew.

I’ve tried other ideas.  Ideas that seemed easier, simpler, more down-to-earth.

Inevitably, I end up turning those seemingly simple ideas into epics as well.

So here’s my thought – why fight it?

I’m thinking maybe I’ll embrace my favorite of my many started and stopped novels and work on it in chunks.

In other words, rather than try to push out a thousand page novel (given all that’s going on, I fail to see how it could take less than a thousand pages) – and just write the first part and try to get it published.

Or just bypass traditional publishing and go the self-publishing route.

If people like the first part, I keep telling the story with a second, third, fourth etc installment.  I don’t know how many pages but given what’s in my mind, it will be a lot if the installments keep coming.

Kind of a grandiose idea.  In total, it’d take years.  But obviously there’s have to be some interest in the first or second installments to keep going.  If there is interest, I’m sure that’d light a fire under my butt to work harder.

Ultimately, I’m proposing a sweeping epic tale told in several installments/books and when all the books are finished they all link up in one overriding story arc.

Don’t mind me, I’m just thinking out loud.

What say you, 3.5?

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Feb 19 2015
3 Comments
Movies

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 2 (Casting Call)

As discussed yesterday, when I was approximately ten years old, give or take a year, I penciled in a notebook my first novel, Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish.

Now that I’m a big time blogging mogul with 3.5 regular readers, including my Aunt Gertrude, I have the resources to turn this novel into a major movie production.

Recently, I held a casting call.  The following actors read for the part of Fred the Pet Store Owner, who, as discussed yesterday, shoots all of the fish.  Why a pet store owner had a gun, I don’t know.  But it wasn’t because when I was ten I was a lazy writer.  I purposely left it up to the reader’s interpretation.

AL PACINO

Hoowah!  You little fishy finned cock-a-roaches think you can come into my establishment and eat my customers?  If I was half-the man I was twenty years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to this place!  Say hello to my little friend!

Al, my people will call your people.  Next:

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Alright, alright, alright.  Hello there kemosabes.  Listen, y’all need to just take a deep breathe and chill out.  Take off your pants and bang on some bongo drums.  All this?  Right here?  This life?  All of this interaction?  This is all just a trick.  We’re all just sentient meat, fooling ourselves into thinking that our base thoughts and emotions actually matter, when in the grand scheme of things, they really don’t.

Don’t call us, Matthew.  We’ll call you.  Next:

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

CAN YOU SMELL WHAT FISH THE ROCK IS COOKIN’?!!

God Sakes Alive, you have to be old as shit to get that joke.  Next!

ROBERT DENIRO

You bloopin’ to me?  You make those little puckery bloop bloop fish faces and bloop at me?  Well, I don’t see anyone else around here, so you must be talkin to me!

I don’t know.  A solid performance, but I just picture Fred being younger.  Next!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Go ahead.  Make my filet.

(Cymbal tap – ba dum bum ching!)  Sorry, I said younger!

JESSE EISENBURG

Um…yeah…um you…you…you know I didn’t ask for any of this.  I’m just a guy running a pet store.  I keep the pets fed and if someone wants a pet I sell them a pet.  But…but….but…this?  I’m not prepared for this.  Nothing in my life has prepared me for this…this, what is this?  Fish, these Killer Mutant Fish and all they do is run around, trying to eat all the customers?  And how are they walking on land if they need to be in water?

You had it until you started asking questions.

This might be a tough one.  I’ll have to think about who would make for a good Fred.  If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments.  Tomorrow, we’ll be casting for the part of the Mad Scientist.

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Feb 18 2015
5 Comments
Writing

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish (My First Novel)

I don’t remember how old I was, but I want to say probably around ten, give or take a year.

I wish I knew where it was.  Probably thrown away long ago.

The title?  Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish

The plot?  Fred the pet store owner’s day goes haywire when a mad scientist walks in and dumps toxic ooze into his fish tanks.  I had recently visited a pet store, thus providing me with the inspiration.  Also, I was a fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, though had I managed to get a book deal, Eastman and Laird (creators of TMNT) probably would have sued my ten-year old self.

Medium?  Written in a notebook with a pencil in horrible penmanship.

(Cue Bob Saget Narrator from How I Met Your Mother Voice) – Kids, there was a time when not everyone had a computer, or if they did, it didn’t do much.  People weren’t obsessed with snapping pictures of what they had for lunch and sharing it with the world, or writing angry tirades about the waitress who brought them cold food and then posting it on Facebook.  When people wanted to write, they used these things called pencils to make marks on paper.  You know paper right?  Thin sheets made out of wood pulp?  Never mind.

Review? – As Jon Lovitz’ The Critic would say, “It stinks!”  There was a lot of action.  The fish grow to an enormous size.  They try to eat everyone.  Fred shoots the mutant fish.  It was pretty much devoid of any artistic merit.

Or was it?  Yes, come to think of it, it was an avant grade piece way before its time.  It was a grim indictment of man’s futile attempt to conquer nature.  In fact, I wrote that in pencil as a subtitle, right on the first page of my notebook:

ATTACK OF THE KILLER MUTANT FISH

OR, A Grim Indictment of Man’s Futile Attempt to Conquer Nature

By:  Young Bookshelf Q. Battler

I can’t say it had much in the way of character development.  Fred was given no backstory whatsoever.  No wife and kids that were depending on him to earn money as a pet store owner.  He wasn’t a former soldier who botched up an anti-evil fish mission, forcing him to retire and languish away as a boring pet store owner until finally, fate offered him a chance to redeem himself.

And there was literally no explanation as to why a pet store owner had a gun that he was able to use to fend off the killer mutant fish.  Was the pet store in a downtrodden, crime-ridden neighborhood?  Was Fred an ex-member of the Yakuza, and thus he felt the need to pack heat at all times out of fear that he could be attacked by his enemies at any moment?

As for the Mad Scientist, the man didn’t even get a name.  He just walks in, dumps toxic ooze into the tanks, then leaves.  Kind of a jerk, really.  But who was he?  Was he a deranged Chemical Engineer, whose ideas were rejected one too many times by his scholarly peers, so he decided to take revenge and take over the world with an army of killer mutant fish?  Perhaps he was Fred’s arch-nemesis?  Maybe Fred and the Scientist once fought in battle during their Yakuza days and now were clashing again?

Personally, I just like to assume Fred stole the Mad Scientist’s woman.

Anyway, I wish I could find the notebook that contained this harrowing tale.  But this blog post will serve as the treatment, so if any big time hotshot book agents and/or Hollywood bigwigs are reading, let me know if you are interested and also how much money you want to throw my way.

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Jan 29 2015
37 Comments
Science Fiction

Let’s Talk Sci-Fi – What’s the Difference Between an Android and a Robot?

Gonna go out on a limb here and guess this is a robot.

Gonna go out on a limb here and guess this is a robot.

Geeks, dweebs, nerds, and poindexters of the world, assemble, for I have a doozy of a question for you.

What is the difference between an Android and a Robot?

As we’ve previously discussed, I’m working on a science fiction novel, and seeking the advice of nerds everywhere for help.  Don’t be offended by being called a nerd.  It’s a badge of honor, really.  Frankly, who wants advice about robotics from a non-nerd?

This is total nerd stuff, baby.

I find that in the science fiction world, the words “android” and “robot” are often used interchangeably.  But should that be the case?

The best advice I’ve found thus far:

“A robot can, but does not necessarily have to be in the form of a human, but an android is always in the form of a human.”

– Edmond Woychowsky, TechRepublic – “The Difference Between Robots and Androids, 2010

Click here for Woychowsky’s Full Article

Well, wait a minute.  That sounds simple enough at first, but what about C3P0?  He and his buddy RD2D are invariably referred to as “droids” in the Star Wars universe.  Haven’t you heard the infamous line from Obi-Wan Kenobi, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for?”

C3P0 has a torso, arms, legs, a face with eyes, he is definitely modeled after a human, but he’s also built out of a golden colored metal, his arms and legs only move so much, his eyes are pretty much just sockets, and there’s just a slit where his mouth should be.

That’s not exactly a human, is it?  What did Edmond have to say?

“It can be argued that an android should be able to pass as a human in natural light. So, if you subscribe to this belief, C-3PO from Star Wars and R. Giskard Reventlov from Isaac Asimov’s The Robots of Dawn are robots, not androids.”

Seriously?  So George Lucas got something wrong?  In addition to Jar Jar???

So, if you take this android vs. robot information seriously, then C3P0 is a robot.  The robots from the film I, Robot, starring Will Smith, are robots (that’s a given, since they didn’t call it, I, Android).

Rosie, the Jetson family’s maid, is a robot.  C3P0, Rosie, and the I, Robot bots, all might have human-inspired designs, but if you were to see them, you would say, “Hey, that’s a robot!”

Apparently, the question of whether an “artificial being” is a robot or an android boils down to whether or not you can tell when you first meet said being.  As Woychowsky notes, Data from Star Trek: Next Generation, does appear to be a human, “albeit with an odd complexion.”

As an additional example, I would submit that Ash from the original Alien movie is an android.  He was so passable as a human that this is actually a major plot point of the film – he was passing as a crew member but in secret, was an android with a special mission.  For part of the film, the audience doesn’t even know he’s not a human.

So what say you, readers?  I need your nerdy opinions, because the novel I am working on, and sadly, procrastinating on, might feature robots, or it might feature androids, but I want to make sure I’m using the right terminology so that my nerd credentials are not questioned.

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Jan 23 2015
6 Comments
Books

Steven King – Quote from On Writing

“Writing fiction, especially a long work of fiction can be difficult, lonely job; it’s like crossing the Atlantic Ocean in a bathtub. There’s plenty of opportunity for self-doubt.”

― Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

Do you doubt yourself while you’re writing?  I know I do.  Is that a good thing?  Perhaps some of the junkiest books come from folks who believe that nothing but rainbows comes out of their pen?  Perhaps some of the best writing comes from people who have toiled away, questioning and self-debating every single, solitary last word choice?

What say you, readers?

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Jan 19 2015
2 Comments
Movies

It Happens

Just read Stephen King’s It will be turned into a 2-part film by director Carey Fukunaga of True Detective fame.

There was an early 1990’s made for TV version.  I recall being scared crapless by it.  I’d probably laugh at it now.  It did star the late great John Ritter aka Jack Tripper.

Many of you recently noted under one of my posts that you rank this as one of your favorite novels.  What do you think.  Will Hollywood do It justice?

Ha, see what I did there?  I’m so witty…

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Jan 14 2015
6 Comments
Books

Literary Quotes – “The Count of Monte Cristo” – Alexandre Dumas

“All human wisdom is contained in these two words – Wait and Hope”

– Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

I’ve never read this book.  Its sheer size is intimidating.  I’ve read The Three Musketeers and thoroughly enjoyed it.  But this quote is accurate.  We spend so much of our lives waiting for what we want and hoping it will happen.

Have you read it?  If so, what did you think?

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Jan 13 2015
10 Comments
Books

Life of Pi by Yann Martel – So, What About That Ending?

SPOILERS AHEAD

One could argue that Yann Martel’s Life of Pi has a choose-your-own ending.

Did Pi really travel across the ocean, learning to peacefully coexist with a ravenous man-eating tiger along the way, a clever allegory that opposites don’t necessarily have to cancel one each other out and people can learn to live their lives without destroying each other?

Did Pi lie to the authorities who questioned him because it was easier than it would have been to insist that his incredible story was true?

Was Pi’s claim of sailing with Richard Parker the Tiger a lie?  Did he, in fact, suffer a terrible fate in which his mother was killed and he made up the story about the animals to avoid thinking about it?

Personally, I thought the Richard Parker version of the story was very uplifting, and then to add in the possibility that it never happened was a little disappointing.  But the dual ending possibilities could be a litmus test.  Positive people probably gravitate to the Richard Parker version.  Negative people say “a boy and a tiger never could have survived on a raft together, the boy would have been eaten in 2 seconds.  The version where Pi’s mother is killed must be the true version.”

All I can say is the novel is a good read, very original, and the movie really brings it to life.

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