Tag Archives: siberia

Mar 11 2015
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The Siberian Yeti

Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Ridiculous Technology

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Appointed Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

A question for you, 3.5 readers.

Is Bookshelf Q. Battler some type of wizard?  Is he a mage?  Does he dabble in the black arts?  Surely you, his trusted 3.5 readers, could shed some light on the subject.

I ask because I once assumed that with our Commodore 64, which allows us to play Tapper all the live long day, we Yetis were ripe with technological prowess.

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Behold!  The Commodore 64 in all of its glory.  It allows us to play Zork, Galaga, and Tapper.  So much Tapper.  We cannot get enough of Tapper.

But as I survey the Bookshelf Battle Compound, I notice many devices that make the Commodore 64 look like a pile of Yeti droppings.

Did Bookshelf Q. Battler create these using magic?  Or, do you all have these devices and we Yetis just did not get the memo?  Perhaps you did not share news of this technology with us because you lousy Americans wish to conquer Siberia and put a Hooters restaurant on every street corner.  You would probably even build street corners.

Bookshelf Q. Battler has a device not much larger than standard pad of paper.  It is a single piece of glass with a few buttons and when I press them I am able to watch movies.  Movies and television shows all day long.  Does anyone in America work?  Is everyone in your country an actor?

This magic glass device has a picture of an apple.  I don’t get it.  Is it supposed to tell you where you keep the apples?  In Siberia, we are only allowed three apples per year.  I usually barter mine for more toilet paper squares.

Plus, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s computer has a game on it called Skyrim.  Apparently, Mr. Battler was pretending to fight dragons and marry peasant wenches all day.  And yet he whines about having no time to write.  Typical American cry baby.

I must procure a copy of this game to bring back to Siberia.  All other Commodore 64 games pale in comparison, except Topper.  Nothing can beat Topper.

We Siberian Yetis do not appreciate being kept in the dark about your technology, America.  You will be hearing from our Yeti lawyers.

I must go now and check on Bookshelf Q. Battler.  I am forcing to watch Olga’s Stew-stravaganza Part II: Electric Stewgaloo.

Commodore 64 Image Courtesy of Flickr User Pete Brown via a Creative Commons License

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Mar 09 2015
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The Siberian Yeti

The Siberian Yeti Now in Control

Hello 3.5 Bookshelf Battle Readers.

The Siberian Yeti here.  I have returned to Bookshelf Battle HQ, made my way past Bookshelf Battle Dog, and have subdued legendary blogger, martial artist, international ladies’ man and magical bookshelf owner, the one and only Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler.

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Top Secret Surveillance Footage of the Siberian Yeti Village Revealed!

No longer will he fill the minds of the masses with his spectacularly awesome ideas.  As the Mayor of the Siberian Yeti Village, I must keep people from thinking big ideas, lest they start thinking ludicrous thoughts, like three toilet paper squares per week are not enough.

Just look at the trash ideas this alleged book blogger is trying to sell you on:

A Book Review of Lock-In by John Scalzi – Robots and viruses, mystery and deception, too much stimulation for your pitiful American minds!  We Siberian Yetis prefer to watch mold grow on rocks.  That is all the excitement we can stand.

An Ask the Alien Column – Interactivity?  Blech!  Patooie, I say!  Why do you want to promote your book, blog, or writing project through the assistance of a rude and snarky alien when you could engage in the ancient Siberian Yeti art of snowball juggling?

These Silly “Can’t Stop the One Post a Day Challenge” Columns – Bookshelf Q. Battler claims he can defeat Highlanders, Chuck Norris, and zombies all in the name of bringing a daily dose of absurd nonsense to his 3.5 readers?  Preposterous!

Frank Underwood Reviews Green Eggs and Ham, House of Cards Parody – Such tomfoolery!  We Siberian Yetis have been watching House of Cards on our Commodore 64 at a rate of one frame per three days and we are totally rooting for the Russian President to crush Underwood like the capitalist pig that he is!

Defense of Shatner – How can Bookshelf Q. Battler defend a man who is the typical spoiled, rich Hollywood actor, complete with a toupee on his head that looks like a tribble?

Yes, I, the Siberian Yeti, am now in control of the Bookshelf Battle and from now on, there will be no interesting ideas on this blog whatsoever!  Get used to it, pitiful 3.5 readers!

Image Courtesy of Creative Commons License via Flickr User Hilary H – “Yeti Crash” 

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