Tag Archives: skydiving

GET A FREE BOOK – FOR FREE!!!

FREE is better than paying, 3.5 readers.

No, really. It’s fine. I didn’t want to get paid. Making money is for losers. I just want to put a smile on your face with a free book.

So go on. Grab a copy of my new book, Freefall (A FREE BOOK WITH FREE IN THE TITLE) for FREE!

That’s right. It is FREE for the next 5 days.

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Buy My New Book – Freefall

Hey 3.5 readers.

Seriously, isn’t that a great cover?

The latest installment of BQB’s Twisted Shorts is now available on Amazon.

The blurb:

When amateur skydiver Larry Rutledge takes his first jump out of a perfectly good airplane only to find his primary and backup ripcords have been sabotaged, he’ll have five minutes and 13,500 feet to figure out how to save his life…if he can. If there’s any time leftover, will he be able to solve the mystery and identify the parachute saboteur? Will it even matter if he doesn’t survive?

A tale of money, an illicit affair, thrills and suspense awaits you in this, the fifth installment of BQB’s Twisted Shorts. Do you like “The Twilight Zone?” Do you like “The Outer Limits?” Do you like “Black Mirror?” Well, BQB doesn’t have the budget to make shows as awesome as those, but his self-published journey toward creating an episodic anthology has begun.

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Freefall Cover

Hey 3.5 readers.

My next installment of BQB’s Twisted Shorts is about an average schmuck who goes skydiving for the first time, only to find his primary and backup cords aren’t working.

With 5 minutes before he hits the pavement, he needs to figure out how to save himself, if he can. Also, foul play is suspected, so will he be able to figure out who sabotaged his parachute and why?

Here it is. The cover for BQB’s Twisted Shorts – Volume 1 – Issue 5 – Freefall.

I think this is the best of the 5 covers. The other 5 were great but this, wow, I mean, if you’re browsing through a bookshelf and see this cover, you want to open it up and find out what happens to this guy, don’t you?

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BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 25 – Lloyd Bunson

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…

READ

AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…

Sally’s web search resulted in a video of an old man in a tweed coat standing in his garage next to an ejector seat just like the one Vicky and I were plummeting to our imminent demises in.

Breakout Social Media Celebrity Lloyd Bunson, Host of "Lloyd Bunson's Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel."

Breakout Social Media Celebrity Lloyd Bunson, Host of “Lloyd Bunson’s Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel.”

“Hello,” the old man said. “My name is Lloyd Bunson and welcome to Lloyd Bunson’s Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel.”

“Wow,” Vicky said. “They have a You tube Channel for everything!”

“Over the next ninety minutes, I’m going to show you how to properly care for, maintain, weatherize, clean, and store your ejector seat,” Lloyd said. “Proper maintenance is the only way to ensure that your ejector seat will provide you with many years worth of flinging yourself out of perfectly good airplanes.”

“JUST GET TO THE PART ABOUT THE PARACHUTE OLD MAN!” I screamed.

“I’m sure you all have so many questions…”

“I can’t believe this has ten million hits,” Vicky said.

A flock of birds buzzed over our heads.

“And the big one I get all the time is, ‘Lloyd, how the heck do I deploy the parachute on my ejector seat?’”

“YES!” I shouted. “TELL US HOW LLOYD!”

“Simple,” Lloyd said. “First, reach your hand approximately one foot underneath the center of the seat like so…”

I copied what Lloyd was doing.

Vicky closed her eyes and began mumbling a prayer.

“…once you’re under there, you’ll want to feel around for a string.”

“Got it, Lloyd!” I said. “Now what? For Christ’s Sake, hurry up, man!”

“Go ahead and give that string a good old yank…”

I yanked the string. Nothing happened.

“Are you screwing with me, Lloyd?!!!”

“After you’ve yanked the string,” Lloyd explained. “Look to your left and you’ll find that by pulling the string, you’ve opened up a compartment containing a green button and a red button….”

“Push the green button,” I said, moving my finger over it.

“Whatever you do, DO NOT push the green button,” Lloyd said. “Push the red button.”

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Seriously,” Lloyd said. “Fun story, the engineer who designed these contraptions was totally color blind.  So go ahead and hit that red button.”

I hit the red button. Nothing.

“You suck Lloyd!”

“Now you’ll find that on the right side of the seat, a blue lever has popped out,” Lloyd said.

Vicky looked at the side of her end of the seat.

“A blue lever!”

“Be sure to yank the lever up,” Lloyd said. “Because if you push it down, your seat will break apart and you will all surely die.”

“Why would they even build a feature like that into an ejector seat?” I asked.

“That’s what you get for buying a World War II surplus ejector seat that was built by Nazis,” Lloyd said.

Vicky yanked the lever up. A bright red parachute exploded out of the back of the seat. We immediately slowed down and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Damn Nazis!” I said.

“Now then,” Lloyd said. “Let’s talk about how to properly wax your ejector seat…”

Half of you looked up to see if there actually is a “Lloyd Bunson Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel” didn’t you?  Admit it.

BQB and the Meaning of Life is ejecting for now, but the story will continue after an all new episode of Pop Culture Mysteries!

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BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 24 – Sally

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…

READ

AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…

“ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!”

Vicky and I screamed and screamed as we sat in Happly’s ejector seat, watching the island below grow closer and closer.

“SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT TRUSTING PEOPLE?!!” I yelled.

I hate it when I ask my phone about parachutes and it returns a search on panda food.

I hate it when I ask my phone about parachutes and it returns a search on panda food.

Vicky fumbled her hands all over the seat in a desperate search for something, anything that could be used to save the day.

“HOW DO WE GET THE PARACHUTE TO OPEN?!” Vicky asked.

“I DON’T KNOW!”

“WELL,” Vicky yelled back at me. “STOP COMPLAINING AND DO SOMETHING ALREADY!”

I whipped out my generic off brand cell phone. This was a job for Sally, my automated personal assistant.

“Sally!”  I shouted.

My phone beeped.

“Hello Eduardo,” Sally replied in her pleasant monotone robot voice.

“How do you open up the parachute on an ejector seat?” I asked.

“I’m afraid I do not understand Eduardo…”

“EJECTOR SEAT!” I shouted. “HOW DO YOU OPEN THE PARACHUTE?!”

“I have found three restaurants that serve bamboo chutes,” Sally said. “Do you want their addresses?”

“NO!” I yelled. “TELL ME HOW TO OPEN THE PARACHUTE ON AN EJECTOR SEAT!”

Vicky kept searching.

“Eduardo,” Sally said. “I do not understand, ‘Tell me how to open the parachute on an ejector seat!’ Would you like me to perform a web search on it?”

“YES!!!!!”

“I do not understand when the next installment of BQB and the Meaning of Life will be?  Would you like me to perform a web search of tomorrow?

Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Cell phone image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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