Tag Archives: vampires

#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way # 26 -Scarves

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

It’s pretty simple, 3.5 readers.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Don’t bring that bag of chips into your house and you won’t eat them.

Hide those cookies and you won’t shove them into your face hole.

And wear a scarf all year round, even in summer, and no vampires will be tempted to turn you into a snack.

Like most humans, we vampires have a tendency to binge and we often eat our feelings.

So don’t forget to hide your neck.

Oh and if scarves aren’t your thing, turtleneck sweaters work just as well.  Bleh!

 

 

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 2

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Hours later, the modest home of a simple villager had been turned into a makeshift battle hospital.

Doctor Sebastian Garcia listened to the patient’s heart with a stethoscope. The beats were slow and feint.

“We’re losing him,” the doctor said.

“Unacceptable,” Colonel Arroyo said. “The General is so loved by the people that our heads will be on pikes if he doesn’t live.”

“He has lost too much blood,” Doctor Garcia replied. “There is nothing I can do.”

The front door creaked open and an alluring woman emerged. She was dressed all in black with hair to match. Her eyes were stunning, her lips were red and full and a subtle beauty mark graced the lower part of her right cheek.

The Colonel turned his head toward the woman. “Leave, wench! You have no business here.”

“You will leave me alone with the general,” the woman cooed in a soft, sultry voice.

“Senorita,” the doctor said. “This is not a time for games. This is an important man and he is very ill.”

The woman’s eyes turned blank and blood red. She looked at both men intently, then slowly repeated, “You will leave me alone with the general.”

“Bien,” the doctor said as he walked out the door. “I suppose every man deserve’s a pretty woman’s company in his final moments.”

“Bahh,” Arroyo said as he joined the doctor. “Let’s leave them be. I need a drink.”

The door slammed shut. The woman’s eyes returned to normal as she stepped closer to the patient.

Santa Anna shivered and gritted his teeth as beads of sweat trickled down his forehead.

“Shhh,” the woman said as she ran her fingers through the general’s long, black hair. “All is well now, mi amor.”

The general’s hand twitched. The woman reached down and took it into hers. “Do you know my name?”

No response.

“Mi nombre es Legion,” the woman said. “Porque somos muchos.”
The woman rubbed her thumb up and down the back of Santa Anna’s hand. “But I suppose ‘Legion’ isn’t a very pretty name so you may call me Isadora.”

Isadora pressed her lips up against Santa Anna’s forehead and kissed.

“I have been following your career with great interest, Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna,” Isadora said. “In my many years, I have never seen a man so willing to risk his life for his country.”

Santa Anna winced with pain. Doctor Garcia had cut away the chunks of flesh and bone, cleaned the wound and dressed it, but blood continued to pour out of it and stain the white bed linen.

“Do you do it for honor?” Isadora asked.

No answer.

“For country?”

No answer.

Isadora’s right eyebrow raised. “Do you do it for glory?”

No answer.

“I can work with glory.”

Isadora opened her mouth and two pointy fangs popped out.

“Fear not, novio,” Isadora said as she drew her mouth close to Santa Anna’s neck. “This will not hurt at all compared to what you have been through already.”

The vampire chomped at the patient’s throat, then sucked on his blood, feeding herself until the general was drained.

Santa Anna murmured one last “ungh” just before his heart stopped.

Isadora bit into her wrist, opening up two holes through, causing drops of blood to flow out.

The she-vamp pressed her wrist up against Santa Anna’s lips.

“Feed.”

Santa Anna remained a still, lifeless corpse.

“Feed, mi amor,” Isadora said.

Nothing.

“Feed and all of Mexico will be yours.”

Like a wild animal, Santa Anna emitted a guttural roar. He sprang up in bed. His eyes turned red. A pair of fangs popped out of his mouth. Instinctively, he used them to cut into Isadora’s wrist.

A primal thirst had taken control of the general. He quenched it with Isadora’s blood.

She was a willing donor. As she watched her new plaything nourish himself, she could not help but laugh.

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #25 – David S. Pumpkins

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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BQB can’t stop watching it.

You can’t either.

Vampires definitely can’t.

Is a vampire trying to bite you?

Just show them SNL’s David. S. Pumpkins.

Doo doo dee doo doo dee doo doo…

 

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire Way #24 – Sunglasses

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Cool people wear shades.

If you’re cool, then vampires won’t bite you.

They’ll try to get you to turn voluntarily, but vampires rarely pick on cool people.

You may look uncool despite the shades but the shades will be enough of a speed bump to slow a vampire down and make them look elsewhere.

Bleh. Wear shades.

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #22 – Ken Bone

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Yes, 3.5 readers!

You thought that Ken Bone was just a flash in the pan Internet sensation, didn’t you?

But he’s much more than that!

He’s also an accomplished vampire hunter.

Why do you think he wears that red sweater?

To hide all the blood from all the vampires he’s hunted, of course.

Befriend Ken Bone and vampires will never bother you as all vampires are petrified of…Ken Bone, Vampire Hunter!

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #21 – Beer

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Vampires are big time drunks.  We can’t hold our liquor.

Always keep some frosty brews in your fridge.

Toss a vampire a cold one and he’ll stop attacking you and instead he’ll just get drunk and plop down on your couch and have a sing-a-long with you.

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#31WaystoDefeatAVampire – Way 19 – Your Vacation Photos

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!  No, 3.5 readers!

No one cares that you went to Bora Bora or Cancun or your Cousin Fred’s farm.  Your vacation was awful and boring. Just admit it.

Vampires do not want to see that shit. That’s why we don’t follow you on Vampbook anymore.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #18 – Ukulele Music

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Honestly, 3.5 readers.

What is a ukulele?

Bleh! Is it a real instrument? Is it more than just a tiny, shrunken guitar?  How do you play one of those things?

Vampires are not into ukuleles at all.  We will never attend your luau.

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #17 – Fan Fiction

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Hello again, 3.5 readers.

Yes, it is I, Count Krakovich, here to again regale you with another way to defeat a vampire.

You can defeat a vampire with fan fiction.

That’s right.

I know that to you, your fan fiction tribute to Star Wars or Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Game of Thrones or what have you is special but to the rest of the world and especially vampires, who have good taste when it comes to books, your fan fiction stinks. It really does.

No joke. If you read your fan fiction to a vampire he will hiss and fly away.

Have you ever read your fan fiction to a vampire?

Discuss in the comments.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #16 – Nukes

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Nukes destroy everything and vampires aren’t impervious to them.

Can’t say I’d recommend this option though.

Surely a vampire can’t be that much of a pain in the ass to warrant a nuclear attack.

Probably best to stake the vampire or hell, just let the vampire bite you.  Its better to be a vampire than to be nuked whilst trying to take out a vampire. No vampire is worth destroying a large area with a nuke.

That’s just common sense, really.

 

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