Monthly Archives: December 2015

Dec 04 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Open Contracts

By: Jake Dashing, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Investigator

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Pop culture.  It’s a world that keeps Bookshelf Q. Battler up late at night, his spacious brain filling up with one question after another about movies, music, television, books, and more.

I’m not sure I can relate. When I lose sleep, its because I’m too busy picturing all the Nazis my country demanded that I punch to death with my bare hands. I suppose each generation has its priorities.

Battler’s got info I want and he’s not forking it over until I solve a whole mess of mysteries for him.  But this whack job thinks of questions faster than I can answer them, so here are the mysteries currently up for grabs.

Being a private dick is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but if you want to try your luck at the sleuthing game, feel free to let Battler know you want to snatch one of these up:

MOVIES

In Star Wars, if the Death Star is supposed to be the size of an actual star, why is everyone able to walk around it and fly around it so quickly?

In Pulp Fiction, Harvey Keitel’s character, “the Wolf” is billed as a highly skilled fixer, one whose knowledge regarding the art of the cover up is so valuable that he simply erase all evidence of a crime, making it as if nothing ever happened….but then all he does is show up and tell Vince and Jules to spray the car down with Windex.  (Seriously, watch the movie.)  Was the Wolf that special?

TELEVISION

Did Tony Soprano live or die at the end of The Sopranos?  Was this a good or bad ending?

Why did the ending of Dexter both suck and blow at the same time?  Or did it?

On Gilligan’s Island, Gilligan and the gang go on, as the theme song says, “a three hour tour.”  How then, was it possible for everyone to become so irretrievably lost when they only strayed a mere three hours away from charted land?

On Married with Children, the running joke was that Al Bundy was disgusted by the idea of getting it on with his wife, Peggy.  Peggy wasn’t that bad looking though, even with her wacky beehive and leopard print attire.  What gives?

On Sons of Anarchy,  Jax Teller embraces a life of crime that provides very little return on investment.  Why is it that a scruffy bum who was lucky enough to win the heart of super hot doctor Tara didn’t just sit back and say, “Well, I’m going to sponge off my hot surgeon wife now, who no doubt makes a high salary because she’s a damn surgeon.  Hell, maybe I’ll even put my focus on turning the auto repair garage my father left into a profitable business.”  But instead, he just keeps making lousy criminal deals and then bumbles his way through them, often losing money on them and inviting a world of hurt.  Seriously, WTF?

MUSIC

Who put the bomp in the bomp sha bomp sha bomp and will this individual strike again?

Who let the dogs out?

What is a “hollaback girl” and why does Gwen Stefani go to great lengths to make sure you know she isn’t one?

To be sure, Sir Mix-a-Lot likes big butts and is unable to lie about this particular subject.  Why then, do the other brothers deny this truth?

VIDEO GAMES

What’s up with the hard sell?  Whenever you buy one they try to make you buy insurance, upgrades, and basically treat you like you’re trying to buy a fully loaded 2016 Toyota Tundra instead of a $60 fantasy experience.  What gives?

COME UP WITH YOUR OWN

That’s all Battler’s got for now but rest assured that loser will keep ’em coming.  That nerd has way too much time on his hands.  And if you’re a nerd with too much time on your hands, feel free to come up with a pop culture mystery of your own and raise it up the flag pole to see if Battler salutes.

For those of you who can’t translate hardboiled noir talk, that means tell him about it in the comments.

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Dec 04 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Contracts

By: Delilah K. Donnelly, Official Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

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Au chante, sir or madam, as the case may be.  It is an absolute delight to make your acquaintance.

If you are reading this then my client, the revered blogger Bookshelf Q. Battler, has selected you to take on a Pop Culture Mystery Contract.

I understand, darling.  Your mind is positively swimming and you have so many questions, the most pertinent of which are:

WHAT IS “POP CULTURE MYSTERIES?”

It’s a site Mr. Battler is constructing that will be devoted to answering the most troublesome questions about pop culture – movies, television, entertainment, music and more.  He’s retained the services of Detective Dashing, whose reports will form the bulk of the site, but Mr. Dashing can’t do it all alone.

WHAT IS A POP CULTURE MYSTERY CONTRACT?

You, as a noted author in your genre, will lend your expertise to a question or “mystery” relevant to your area of expertise.  If you’re a science fiction author, for example, he may inquire about Star Wars.  Romance author? Perhaps Mr. Battler will have a question about 50 Shades of Gray.

He’s currently assembling a list of “open contracts” or questions that you might select from, or he may propose one tailored to your specific talent.  You may even propose a Pop Culture Mystery of your own.

WHAT I DON’T LIKE THE CUT OF BATTLER’S JIB, SEE?

As an attorney I fully understand that authors must guard their reputations zealously and that working with a blogger who claims, among other things, to be friends with an alien from outer space, might raise an eyebrow or two.

However, consider:

#31ZombieAuthors – Mr. Battler interviewed 31 (actually 32 as two authors were a team on one book) in the month of October, 2015.  All were treated with respect, their questions and concerns about the project listened to and all were pleased with the results. Many tweeted and/or shared their interviews with their fans.  Several told Mr. Battler that they even enjoyed these interviews and had quite a bit of fun.

Ask the Alien – Darling, I do not presume to boast but as you can see, I am a fabulous person.  As such, I can’t publicly discuss a notion as foolish as whether or not aliens exist.  That being said, Mr. Battler’s blog has been running a feature called “Ask the Alien” in which authors ask an alien a question and he provides an answer, along with a promo of the inquirer’s work.  About 20 authors have “asked the alien” a question so far.

BETWEEN BOTH – Misters Battler and Jones have interviewed 50+ authors without complaint.

BUT I MIGHT COMPLAIN

You might and Mr. Battler will offer the same guarantee he’s provided to others, namely, that if you dislike the final post, he’ll take it down, no muss, no fuss, no problem.  To date, no one has asked but be assured if you do, he will.

COMPENSATION

Absolutely none whatsoever.  It’s not my desire to speak ill of my employer but Mr. Battler is a bit of a skinflint.

He can, however, offer you the eyes of his 3.5 readers and if its one thing an author needs, it’s 3.5 more readers.

THANK YOU

On behalf of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, a site I diligently represent, I thank you for taking the time to consider this modest proposal.  If you are interested, I believe you will find the experience enjoyable.  If not, Mr. Battler understands and wishes you will in your future endeavors.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a mystery of my own to solve.  Which pair of these breathtaking shoes shall I wear this evening?

 

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Dec 03 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Announcement #3 – Pop Culture Mysteries Is On

Hi again, 3.5 readers.

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Why Delilah spends her time representing BQB will become part of the mystery.

In case you didn’t realize it from Announcement #2, then yes, Pop Culture Mysteries is officially a go.

I am the president of the television network inside my mind and I just gave this endeavor the green light.

At the risk of being vaporized by the Mighty Potentate, Undesiredverse will be on hold.

I like Undesiredverse.  I think its a continuation of my “so funny you’ll have a good time but serious enough to make you want to know what happens next” style.

But after thinking about it, I barely have enough time to see one project through and I have no clue how I’d be able to juggle two at the same time.

So as the president of my mind, I’ve decided to put all my eggs in the Pop Culture Mysteries basket for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been attempting to write a novel for years now and I continue to get trapped by the idea that “oh, this NEW idea is really EASY to write and I’ll bang a rough draft out in a month then pop it right out there!”

That’s why I thought I’d give Undesiredverse a go.  Man and Alien become caretakers of strange woman.  They must get her to safety and in the process, find out why all the evil doers want her.

I know why.  I can’t tell you why because hopefully I’ll write it one day.  BUT – as I thought about it, explaining WHY they wanted her became complicated.

There just is no such thing as a “I’ll bang that out lickety split!” novel.  There’s no simple fix.  If you want the quality, you have to put the time in.

So Pop Culture Mysteries it is.  I’m going to let my attorney, the enchanting Delilah K. Donnelly, make the formal announcement, but here are my preliminary thoughts:

THE BLOG

I found a blog template that looks like a desk, the posts and photos look like they’re on paper – so in other words, ITS AS IF ITS ALL WRITEN BY A DETECTIVE WORKING OUT ALL THE DETAILS!!!  Yup, the format was just too beautiful to pass up.

THE POP CULTURE

My experience writing #31ZombieAuthors cinched the deal for me.

One worry I had was that as Jake (or Mack?) goes on, his reports become less about pop culture and more about his own past and present exploits as a detective, boxer, and war hero.  I need those exploits to sell books.

But I also want the site to be about solving pop culture mysteries.

So:

  • Jake’s still going to solve pop culture mysteries in his own way.
  • Informant Zero is going to pose a Pop Culture Mystery Question once a week, invite readers to discuss, and give the answer the next week and finally…
  • Just as I did with #31ZombieAuthors, I will be seeking out writers who will be deputized as pop culture detectives and they will be given pop culture mysteries of their own to solve (in fact, if you want in, let me know in the comments below.)
  • I’ll also be interviewing mystery writers about their craft.  So ultimately, the site becomes a big mashup of pop culture, mystery, and noir.

I’M GOING TO BE BUSY

It’s December.  I need to write a whole season of Jake’s exploits and get several author interviews/contributions in the can and ready to go.

The main story will go all week but I’m thinking Mystery Author Interviews will be posted on Friday and Pop Culture Detectives will have their posts up on Saturday.  (I’m going to call these “contracts,” as it will be explained that Delilah delivered their cases to them).

I’m hoping if I can stick with it, I’ll be able to launch April 1, but at the latest May 1.  I’m really hoping for April.

Once April or May is here, I’ll have several months of posts ready to go so I can throw them up and then focus my time on Jake’s first book…for sale…for money, because, gosh darn it, I really need this nonsense to start making some money one day in order to justify keeping it going.

CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE PLOT?

Jake/Mack/Whoever He Is fell asleep at his desk in 1954.  For 60 years, his friends, Mr. and Mrs. Tsang, took care of him, followed by their daughter, Susan, whom Jake regards as his niece.

A year later after trying to figure out what happened, the mysterious Delilah K. Donnelly pays him a visit.  She’s an attorney for Bookshelf Q. Battler, a world renowned poindexter, etc. etc.

While BQB will remain a goofball on bookshelfbattle.com, he becomes the Charlie from Charlie’s Angels on Pop Culture Mysteries – i.e., he’s always giving orders but he’ll rarely show up in person.  Instead, Delilah delivers his mysteries for him.

A deal is struck.  BQB claims he knows why Jake/Mack/Whoever fell asleep for 60 years and how to get him back to his own time.  But he won’t give up the info until our hero solves 100 pop culture mysteries.

In between tracking down the answers to BQB’s questions, our detective will have to:

  • Adjust to modern life, with plenty of room for witty social commentary on how things that happen today seem odd to a person from the 1950’s.  We’ll discuss the good and the bad.  (GOOD – people have more rights.  BAD – People spend too much time using those rights to post about their lunch on social media.)
  •  Get Real Work – BQB only pays $5 bucks a case and our hero can’t sponge off his niece forever, so he’ll need to find real mysteries he can solve for pay.
  • The Past – tell us about mysteries he solved way back when.
  • Vigilantism – He’ll definitely start dabbling in taking down modern day ne’er-do-wells.  A hot police detective babe will take notice.

THE FIRST NOVEL…

…will be about how our hero punched Adolf Hitler in the face.  In the process of doing so, he obtained a certain item and, well, even though BQB’s blog(s) only get 3.5 readers, a person from his past will come looking for it.

To clarify, the person from the past will come looking for it in the first season of blog posts.  How he punched Hitler and got the item will be the crux of the first novel…which I will sell on Amazon…for many, many, payments of monies.

But not really.  As long as I get $3.5 dollars I’ll write a sequel.

THANKS 3.5 READERS

If you’re a writer of any genre who wants in on a) solving a pop culture mystery or b) a mystery writer who wants to talk about his/her craft, let me know.  Your books/blogs/social media etc will be promoted so check out #31ZombieAuthors for an idea of what I’d do.

 

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Dec 03 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Announcement #2 – Jake’s Name Change

A few months ago, I had a Kobayashi moment.

You know what that is, don’t you?

Remember when the cop in The Usual Suspects drops his ceramic coffee mug, marked Kobayashi on the bottom, and everything goes in slow motion as he, in a very shocked manner, comes to grips to the realization that Kevin Spacey/Verbal just snowed him?shutterstock_224427679

Oh.  SPOILER ALERT.  Sorry.  Whatever.  You had like 20 years to watch that thing.

I did some research and learned there is a noted noir writer with a character named, “Jake Hatcher.”

What are the odds?  I never beat the odds for good things to happen to me.  I’ll never win the lottery or get caught in an avalanche of bikini models but yup, I made up a random name and sure enough, another noir writer was using it.

And I’m not being disrespectful or anything, he seems like a great writer. He’s published so, you know, he’s running laps around me.

I did think “what the hell just use it anyway no one cares.”  And chances are, no one would.  But then, you know, what if that guy’s Jake Hatcher becomes a movie character?  That kinda ruins mine.

So after deliberating for awhile, I decided that Jake needs, at the very least, a last name change.

3.5 readers, please provide me with your input on the following:

DASHING – After pouring through name books, coming up with all kinds of possibilities, it dawned on me that it would be fun to come up with a last name that pays tribute to Dashiell Hammett, the author of The Maltese Falcon and the man recognized as the inventor of hardboiled private eye/mystery noir genre.

Dash?  Daschle?  Dashman?  Dashington? Dasher?

Then it just hit me.  “Dashing.”

I know.  It’s a bit contrived.  Almost like “Rip Pecchest” or “Dirk Steele” but I like it, its got meaning, and its the result of months of thinking about it and not coming up with anything better.

3.5 READERS: You spent months thinking about this?

BQB: Oh, the things I do for my 3.5 readers.

JAKE DASHING – I was going to go with Jake Dashing and I still might.  I have a subplot in mind where he is Jacob Roscoe Dashing and his evil brother who looks just like him assumes his identity (Roscoe Jacob Dashing, formerly Hatcher).

OR

MACK DASHING – It’s manly, rolls off the tongue.  It’s cartoonish but so is the whole concept.  Its about a guy who took a 60 year nap after all.  I suppose the brothers would be Mack Roscoe Dashing and Roscoe Mack Dashing (I wish my name was Roscoe Mack Dashing.)

Jake Dashing seems more plausible.  But as I studied the noir genre, there are a lot of fictional hardboiled private dicks named Jake.  I never found one named Mack.

His full named would be Mackenzie, which I know, is a girl’s name.  It can be a boy’s but its mostly for girls now.  I could write it away by having him tell Uncle H’s joke about “why the hell are there so many girls named after cowboys?!” and then he vows to never be called anything but Mack.

So Jake Dashing is closer to my original intent, but Mack Dashing is more unique.

Either way, his last name is Dashing, his first name is down to Jake or Mack.  I’d like your input.

Thanks 3.5 readers.

 

 

 

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Dec 02 2015
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Announcements

Announcement #1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler to Remain In Character

By: An Omnipotent Narrator

How It All Started

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Bookshelf Q. Battler

This blog was started by a man in a Taco Bell parking lot, who, whilst shoving a grande chalupa into his gaping maw, decided that he too could make a contribution of his own to America’s already bloated entertainment hole.

Living the dream, baby.  Living the dream.

He spent most of 2014 learning how to blog.  He’s still learning.  If anyone knows how, please tell him.

2014 he more or less took on the role of a nerdy, uncredentialed online lit teacher.  He wrote about his favorite books, poems, classic works and invited readers to talk about them.

He posted pictures of his toys next to his favorite books.  Yes, he’s a grown man but he did that anyway.  In fact, that’s how this blog got its name, because he called these photos, “bookshelf battles.”

That was all the blog was meant to be.  Book reviews and images of a nerd’s toys.

And because he was too shy/reserved to reveal his name, he started going by the handle, “Bookshelf Q. Battler.”

2015 – The One Post a Day Challenge

With a self challenge to post once a day, the person behind this blog grasped for ideas to make his posts interesting.  He still is.  If anyone found anything on this blog at all interesting, please let him know.

Suddenly, Bookshelf Q. Battler began having adventures:

  •  He gained an arch nemesis, an evil, fun hating yeti known simply as, “The Yeti.”
  • He informed everyone he is the caretaker of a magic bookshelf which causes literary characters to pop out of their books in tiny versions of themselves, then proceed to eat all of BQB’s food, run up his pay per view bill, and of course, fight over limited shelf space.
  • His former professor, Dr. Hugo Von Science, began writing a column entitled, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”  Dr. Hugo would later switch his status from trusted good guy to traitorous super villain.
  • He explained to us that he lives in East Randomtown, a bug full of pathetic drooling dummies who view him as a celebrity because of his blog, which attracts upwards of 3.5 readers.
  • Oh, and he set the bar very low, deciding that as long as he gets 3.5 readers, he’ll keep blogging.
  • His long deceased uncle, Uncle Hardass, started a column, “Things That Really Frost My Ass” in which he makes fun of BQB’s attempts at becoming a writer, then moves on to a diatribe on everything bothering him.
  • An all powerful alien being, referring to himself as, “The Mighty Potentate” became incredibly disturbed by Earth’s love of reality television.  He hates it and fears it will one day spread off of Earth and across the universe, replacing all scripted programming with shows in which video cameras simply follow morons around while they babble about nothing and engage in moronic activities.
  • The Mighty Potentate deemed BQB “the chosen one” – the writer whose words will one day inspire the masses to abandon reality television.  (Oh and he’s decreed that if BQB kicks the bucket before doing so, he’ll send his alien army to conquer Earth and outlaw reality television so, you know, no pressure).
  • His Potentosity dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to assist BQB in  his writing career.  Alien Jones began writing an “Ask the Alien” column in which he takes questions from indie authors and promotes their works in his posts.  He’s helped twenty or so authors so far.  He has some misgivings as to whether or not BQB is actually “the chosen one” but doesn’t want to tell the Mighty Potentate, who has a penchant for vaporizing those who disagree with him.
  • BQB died on the toilet while shooting a lightning bolt out of his butt, BUT was given a second chance at life by William Shakespeare, who urged BQB to search for the meaning of life.  In doing so, he met his current love interest, Video Game Rack Fighter, who is basically a female BQB except with video games instead of books.
  • Oh and there was a zombie outbreak that decimated his hometown but luckily 31 real, live actual zombie authors gave him the advice he needed to save the day.
  • You heard that right.  Real, live successful people cared enough to help this guy out.  I was as surprised as you were.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BLOG ABOUT NOW?

<DEEP BREATHE>

It’s a chronicle of a nerd named Bookshelf Q. Battler’s efforts to launch a successful writing career, thus getting an intergalactic overlord off his back and saving his alien buddy from vaporization (as well as the Earth from alien conquest.)

Along the way, he fights the Yeti, a mad scientist, endures his grumpy uncle’s rants, his ornery bookshelf characters’ attempts to destroy his house (oh and that’s called BQB HQ, a sprawling fortress wrapped around a small house his aunt gave him.)

He’s also very concerned about keeping VGRF as his main squeeze.

From time to time, he takes a break from his writing career to tell his 3.5 readers what he thinks about books, movies, life and so on.

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The Alleged Man

BUT STARTING IN 2016, HE WILL REMAIN IN CHARACTER AND DIVORCE HIMSELF FROM – “THE ALLEGED MAN”

So a lot of people think there’s an “alleged man” behind all of this, that this mysterious individual just pretends to be Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, Dr. Hugo, all the characters really.

Preposterous, though because BQB has, on occasion, broken character this year, I can see why people think that.  Hell, even this post refers to an “alleged man” who just wrote about literature in 2014.  Sloppy narration if you ask me.

Going forward, Bookshelf Q. Battler has to stop asking the 3.5 readers about what should happen to him because this blog is just the ongoing saga of his life as he tries to become a writer with all of the hurdles he has to jump over.

To bring down the curtain for a moment, BQB was modeled after this so-called “alleged man” behind the blog.

After all:

  • They’re both nerds.
  • They both love pop culture.
  • They both want to become writers.

BUT, as you can imagine, “The Alleged Man” behind this blog and BQB have had a psychological split of sorts because after all, IF this alleged man exists (and no one is admitting that he does because that’d be ludicrous), he certainly isn’t friends with an alien, nor does he fight yetis, etc.

GET TO A POINT ALREADY!

Starting in 2016:

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will remain in character.  Feel free to ask him questions, but he will respond in the manner of a nerd from East Randomtown who’s trying to launch a writing career in order to stave off an alien invasion.
  • He might even ask you questions but, you know, he’ll ask them as Bookshelf Q. Battler.  For example, “Any ideas on how I can promote my blog so the Mighty Potentate doesn’t vaporize Alien Jones?”
  • Once in a blue moon, the hypothetical “Alleged Man” might give the 3.5 readers a peak behind the curtain but that will be rare and keep in mind, that’ll just be all fantasy because while BQB is real, the Alleged Man is totally fake.  Some dude pretending to be all these characters?  Absurd.

Thank you, 3.5 readers and please stop by in 2016 as Bookshelf Q. Battler will become a stronger, nerdier, and more sure of his identity as a struggling writer/yeti fighter.

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Dec 02 2015
1 Comment
One Post a Day Challenge

Announcing My Announcements

Hello 3.5 readers.

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Our esteemed blog host looks upwards to the future, or maybe he’s attempting to cure a nosebleed. 

I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, a world renowned poindexter, reviewer of books, movies, and assorted cultural happenings, and a champion yeti fighter.

We’re in the home stretch of the infamous “One Post a Day for a Year Challenge” and I for one have grown super paranoid, concerned that any manner of evil will come between me and my end game of posting once a day for 365 days.

Possible concerns that may keep me from blogging:

  • Yakuza attacks
  • Yeti attacks (The Yeti has friends)
  • Yakuza Yeti attacks (The Yeti has friends in Japan)
  • Cold, flu and or gout
  • Zombie outbreaks (though one didn’t stop me in October)
  • Bigfoot sightings
  • Meteor crashes
  • Vampire strikes (as in they strike in an attack formation, not that they picket for more blood)
  • Alien invasions
  • And so on

But that’s all besides the point.

In this final month, I find myself forced, totally, undeniable FORCED to make decisions as to how my precious 3.5 minutes of daily free time can be spent to entertain you, my beloved 3.5 readers.

I have more ideas for novels, blogs, posts, etc that you can shake a bag of sticks at BUT…

DECISIONS MUST BE MADE!

I must pick a project and see it all the way to publication on Amazon, that fine, life changing site brought to us by omnipotent and future overlord, the Supreme Bezos (prognosticators predict he may one day rival even the Mighty Potentate when it comes to ultimate power.)

And I, for one, salute our future overlord.  (**cough cough Simpsons reference *cough*)

So here I am, carefully thinking about what I need to do and how I should announce it to you, my trusty 3.5 readers.

Until I figure it out, let me ask, what do you hope to see from me, Bookshelf Q. Battler, in the future?

 

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Dec 01 2015
4 Comments
TV

Walking Dead Midseason Finale

I thought it was one of the top Walking Dead episodes I’ve seen thus far.

I do wonder though – if escaping the walkers is as easy as whipping on a zombie guts poncho, why don’t they just always have zombie guts soaked ponchos on standby to throw on in the event of a zombie attack?

What did you think, 3.5 readers?

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